I am desperate.

[SamWAR]

I do not really know how to start this, but I think that I need someone to talk to, and I got to the desperate point where I don’t even have any real person that I can count on atm.

For anyone with some free time, please, read my history. I am not asking for anything but any kind of council. I must admit that I’m rather desperate at this point.

 

My name is Samuel, and I’m a 22 years old Brazilian.

I’m a very depressed man, and for all my life this was part of every single one of my days. It started several years ago, when I was still a child, I used to isolate myself from the other kids, never really enjoyed the same stuff as most of them (like sports, and child plays). Instead, all I used to do was read books or drawn random stuff that I didn’t even let anyone see. As well as writing small stories all the time.

As a teenager, I got some good scores at school and that allowed me to skip some grades. I developed a certain taste for languages and learned a few by myself, including a fair understanding of English.

 

Yet, depression usually got the best of me. I’ve been under therapy for years, taking several kinds of medicine. And nothing actually works. I feel unable to enjoy most small things in life, and even those that can give me some pleasure, like games, don’t really last.

My social skills are poor to say the least, I don’t get along with most people. Sadly, I’m unable to enjoy things like going out, meeting new people, and so on. Nothing really last long enough, I simply lose interest.

 

Even so, I kept trying my best to go on and on, even if that usually made me feel like a slime that’s going nowhere. When I was 16yo, I got a girlfriend, and fell really in love for the first time. It lasted 4 years, and in that time, I changed and she changed as well. The sentiment died out. Simple as that. Mine at least. After a very hard separation process, I broke up with her.

 

I was 20 then, and thanks to those grades I skipped on school, I was in one of my last years at a Law university. At that point, I was very sad again, for pretty much everything on my life. There’s no explanation for what I feel, I don’t go around complaining, or crying out, nor do I blame anyone or anything. It just happens.

 

The old suicide thoughts that I experienced as a kid and as a teenager came back stronger, I found myself running away from everyone.

And I was alone, for my parents have problems of their own and at this point, they literally tired of trying to help me out. My father refused to spend any money on more medicine or therapy, and I was just left on my own.

And still, that didn’t stopped me. I got a band, start singing, made some money on the night, tried to my best to keep it professional, since I failed so hard at making friends, and things worked out for a few.

 

That’s when I met another girl, and we had a relationship for a few months until the same thing happened, I lost interest and broke up.

This one wasn’t that easy, she got crazy, made a lot of pressure for me to stay with her, but ultimately, I was over with it.

Time went on, and the band also failed. Then I started working with law, and It went badly, I hated it for several reasons. This was this year. I was smashed then. Felt like everything I did on the past years was in vain. Its very hard to explain the reasoning behind it, but lets just say its not for me. I didn’t stopped studying though. And time kept going, completely unhappy, but living and trying. Handling the fights between my parents the best I could, and feeling alone as usual.

 

Then I made two decisions. First, I tried to get some joy, and started even another degree at university, now on Linguistics, something that I ever liked. Second, I started writing a Medieval Fiction book, in a complete new scenario.

Even with the lack of time thanks to the two degrees, I managed to make that book the most important thing for me, and worked hard as hell to make it as good as I could.

Then I got another girlfriend, a very lovely woman, that actually tries the best she can to understand those weird problems of my life, and we get along pretty fine.

 

At that time, my scores at the Law degree got worse and worse, by my own dammn fault, I don’t know if my responsibility sense changed too much, or if the fact that I started to hate the whole thing made me mess it up, but the thing is, I started failing at it, hard. For some reason It doesn’t get in my mind anymore, I just don’t learn it properly, no matter how hard I try, and believe me, I tried. I feel very bad for it.

And after this fail, my parents actually acknowledged me, to complain at least. And thanks to that, they made my life a living hell. At this point, my father thinks that I’m such a fail, that if I can’t get my usual 80-90% scores at Law university anymore, then I’m not worthy anything.

He simply ignores the linguistic degree since according to him, it doesn’t make enough money, so its useless.

My family is… Greedy to say the least… My father is a retired military commander, and my mother is, ironically, a rather successful psychologist. Even so, at this point in life, all they care about is money, and I usually don’t really bothered with it, but right now, they can’t even see me and they start to make some pressure.

 

Depression as usual, got me crazy as hell, suicide was a very common desire, the easy way out, and to be honest, the only person that gave me some strength to keep moving was my girlfriend.

And then, when I thought that things couldn’t get worse, that other girl, that I met when I was with the band, came back from nowhere, after two months without seeing each other, trying to get me back into a relationship and saying that she was pregnant of me.

Ok! It’s a possibility. It made me mad, I didn’t came back to her, I told my girlfriend, who accepted it, but I don’t really think this child is mine. Even so, I’m no jerk and after more and more pressure on my parents behalf, I did the right thing and got a job.

A small computer store on my city, to make repairs and stuff. I’m rather good with technology overall, and I did rather fine at it for the last month. My co-workers tho thought that I was weird, too quiet, and once again, I got isolated. I didn’t even complained, I’m used to it to the point of liking it.

 

In the mean time, the thing between my parents gets worse and worse, the pregnant girl treats me like an ******* and acts like a whore, going out with any guy that wants to sleep with her, calling out that its vengeance for me not being with her. That’s make me sure as hell that I’m not that kid’s father, but until he/she is born (around march next year, if she really got pregnant when she told me that she did), Im living a freakin hell.

And to make things worse, today, a guy who was in vacation since I started working came back, and my boss simply fired me. Giving me no other reason than saying that he doesn’t need my services anymore (and no, it wasn’t a summer job, we don’t have those in Brazil, it was a 3 month contract that he simply broke for no reason).

So right now, I’m jobless, I lost my semester on law degree thanks to bad scores, depression is killing me inside, I don’t know how to tell my parents since I’ll have no support whatsoever, I don’t have enough money saved to move away from everything, I can’t do a thing about that girl but wait, and this FREAKIN SUCIDE THOUGHT DON’T GET AWAY FROM MY MIND NOT EVEN FOR A SECOND.

 

I feel desperate. The only thing that I have now is my finished book, feeling as my last hope. Five hundred pages of hope. I’ll be sending it to editors tomorrow, hoping for approval and publishing, but even if it gets approved, it’ll be several months until I hear back from the publishers, and even more before I start getting some return out of it.

My parents don’t even bothered to read it. They just said its impossible for someone to get something by writing in Brazil. And I can’t be optimistic because it has a percentage of truth, the population of my country simply don’t enjoy reading on its majority.

 

At this point, I have nothing. The damn disease is breaking my mind, my family don’t have time, or don’t really care about me, my girlfriend, that is so good for me, is living in another city, I lost my job and didn’t even got a real reason for it and I completely desperate.

What can I do? How come so many things can go wrong in someone’s life? Is it my fault? Am I doing something wrong? Why does not even medicine works to cure me?

There’s not even something that I can blame, at least that I’m aware of. I’m okay physically, I don’t have any disabilities, I always try to work as hard as I can for stuff I need or want, and even so, for the past few years, NOTHING WORKS.

 

Everything always goes wrong, over and over and over again. I don’t know what to do anymore, I fell so sad, so weak, so tired…

This is the first time I actually tell all this, I needed to say something. I’m not a victim, I don’t want to act like one. I know there’s a lot of people with problems worse than mine. I never experienced alcohol or drugs in life, never did nothing wrong, and I don’t have not even a single unpaid bill on my name, but DAMN, it feels so bad.

 

The simply idea that I have to put this on a internet forum, because I so socially awkward despite how much I try, that I don’t have anyone to talk to besides a girl that is actually suffering with/for me, makes me fell so bad… So sad…

I don’t even know what to ask… Thoughts? Advice? Fulfill this auto-destructible side of me that simply makes me a target for more and more critics? Idk…

 

Sorry to bother you, and thanks for your time. I just had to talk….