Feel Like I'm Going Crazy

[mirage12]

It's been about three weeks since my ex broke things off. We dated for 8 months, but knew each other for about a year. Though it wasn't the longest relationship, we went through some horrible/stressful transition times together, and we lasted through a lot of external stress that was awful to deal with as a couple. Unfortunately, my ex was starting a new career and going through a dark place and ended things a month after she started working, something along the lines of needing to fix herself before she could manage a relationship.

 

We both went almost completely NC for two weeks. And then a week ago, we both got good news as we found out we passed our state's bar exam. This had been a huge, huge stressor on my ex, as she was legitimately worried she was going to fail, something that would have possibly tanked her career and turned her life upside down.

 

Since she's been relieved of that stress, she's since made multiple efforts to reach out. She texted me for several hours the day after results, trying to make small talk/continuing to try to revive the conversation while I responded briefly. A few days later she reached out again, saying she was wondering if she could get me a drink/that she missed me/wanted to see me, etc. She texted again on Thursday to wish me a happy thanksgiving.

 

I don't know what to do. I went home to hang out with friends/see family this weekend but I was distant and distracted. A girl I used to hook up with was practically throwing herself at me and I just ignored her because I didn't care. Sometimes I have trouble concentrating at work. I'm not excited about much anymore.

 

I think if the opportunity came up, I'd want to get back with the ex. I know how dangerous that sentiment is - I've spent hours reading posts on here. I just can't help but think that our breakup was more situational than due to some flaw in us or because of a falling out. I've posted about this before but my ex is also extremely independent, smart as hell and has a ridiculous ego. She's dated many more people than I have and she knows how/has even told me how she handles breakups - she severs ties, doesn't ever look back and moves on. Her recent actions don't make sense to me. They're not like her. I don't think she's trying to make sure I'm not angry because I've responded to her very politely/cordially and we ended things on really good terms. I don't think she's trying to mess with me, because I can't see what would be in that for her and she's not malicious. I don't think she's trying to alleviate guilt necessarily because I've sent her no signals that this whole ordeal has messed me up as much as it has.

 

I know right now she's being too vague for me to act on anything, and the words she's saying have been more breadcrumb than anything concrete. But knowing her, I also know she's not handling this breakup the way she normally would, and in fact I'm almost shocked she's making these attempts to reach out/saying these things that could delay both of us in our healing process. She's smart as hell, and she knows by saying certain things, I'd likely read into them. None of it makes sense. Does anyone have any advice on what to do? I've read again and again about full NC but what if I lose a window of opportunity by not responding when she's continuing to try to reach out? Should I meet up with her to see how things are in person, if she brings it up again? I feel lost without her.

[mirage12]

You think I should wait until maybe midweek and then initiate asking about the drinks if she doesn't by then? We never made set plans although i think she was trying to get me to give her a concrete time - I just left it at "sometime after thanksgiving"

[CrJsc88]

You seem like you really care about the relationship.. Why did you guys break up? I would say give it some time try to meet new people if feeling are still there try it out. Or just tell her if she wants to get back together to take things slow.

[mirage12]

You seem like you really care about the relationship.. Why did you guys break up? I would say give it some time try to meet new people if feeling are still there try it out. Or just tell her if she wants to get back together to take things slow.

 

We both graduated from grad school a few months ago. A month before we broke up, she started working an extremely high stress, time consuming job - the type of career that takes an entire lifestyle change. At first she was really stressed/anxious, and she doesn't handle stress well, she shuts down. Two weeks into the job she changed in a way id never seen her - horribly depressed, miserable all the time. That was made even worse by the upcoming bar ex results. There were times I thought she was gonna have a meltdown, and I don't think she could handle both new job, test stress and maintaining a relationship. I think passing the test has been a huge relief before...and maybe she realizes she made a mistake. But I have no idea

[cavalier99]

She broke up with you right?? So text book move is pure NC and kill all hope. Stop grabbing at straws. Any contact is bad for you and makes her feel better about tearing out you heart because your A OK chatting with her.

 

PURE NC. Thats it. Cav

[Simon Phoenix]

You think I should wait until maybe midweek and then initiate asking about the drinks if she doesn't by then? We never made set plans although i think she was trying to get me to give her a concrete time - I just left it at "sometime after thanksgiving"

 

Absolutely not. She broke up with you, it's up to her to chase you. You know these answers -- they aren't changing no matter how many different ways you try to ask the same question.

[LadyM]

It seems to be a common thread on here recently, dumpers wanting to reconnect with their dumpees, all under the guise of "missing you."

 

Why is she only communicating to you that she misses you? If she really wants a relationship with you, what is stopping her from saying that she made a terrible mistake and would like to reconcile?

 

They ALL miss us. That is, unless they have someone to take our place. They are ALL lonely. So they throw us some breadcrumbs to satisfy their own needs.

 

Remember, for all the excuses you are making for her, she is still the one who broke up with you, still the one who thought it would be better for her if she never saw you or spoke to you, EVER AGAIN.

 

If she's as smart as you say, she will know exactly what to do to get you back, if that is indeed what's on her mind.

 

No need to meet with her until that happens. Satisfying her itch will only serve to cause you additional pain.

[mirage12]

Thank you all. I know you're right and it's so weird but this forum has been truly helpful to me...not just with this breakup but ones before it too. I know some of you have weighed in repeatedly on different threads I've made and I really do try my hardest to follow advice I'm given (even though sometimes I do cave). I'm glad to be able to vent on here instead of being pathetic directly to her...I've maintained far more dignity than I did with my ex before this one. Planning to not do anything because I know you're right - if she wants to make her intentions know , she's absolutely smart enough to know how.

[mirage12]

Moderation note: This and some subsequent posts were copied from another thread where they were reported as a threadjack. Moderation directs members to continue this discussion in this thread. Thanks!

I have a related question that OP might find helpful too (not trying to hijack). I've posted a few times about my own situation, but taking what Op said and projecting out into the future - what do you do if the ex does reach out and says she misses you/wants to meet up? Many people on here have said don't respond, do nothing unless she says something extreme like "let's get back together."

 

I'm curious as to why her communication would need to be so extreme. Even if the situation happens (or happens to OP in the future, as he hopes), doesn't it seem like you and the ex would be starting from square one? Not exactly jumping back into anything, or even able to express something so direct, especially after sorting through the emotional experience of a breakup. I get that everyone on here gives answers in black and white because it's best to protect the dumpee. But if the ex does start to reach out again and/or wants to meet up, how do you keep ANY line of communication open by being fully NC? Is it so horrible to initiate contact if they have started to reopen the lines?

Edited December 4, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Never Again]

I have a related question that OP might find helpful too (not trying to hijack). I've posted a few times about my own situation, but taking what Op said and projecting out into the future - what do you do if the ex does reach out and says she misses you/wants to meet up? Many people on here have said don't respond, do nothing unless she says something extreme like "let's get back together."

 

I'm curious as to why her communication would need to be so extreme. Even if the situation happens (or happens to OP in the future, as he hopes), doesn't it seem like you and the ex would be starting from square one? Not exactly jumping back into anything, or even able to express something so direct, especially after sorting through the emotional experience of a breakup. I get that everyone on here gives answers in black and white because it's best to protect the dumpee. But if the ex does start to reach out again and/or wants to meet up, how do you keep ANY line of communication open by being fully NC? Is it so horrible to initiate contact if they have started to reopen the lines?

 

There are two general rule of thumb here:

 

1.) If you have to ask if you're ready to see you're ex, you're probably not.

 

2.) If your ex really does have even the slightest amount of REAL interest in trying again, they need to be willing to let you know. It doesn't need to be EXTREME, but they need to be willing to handle a bit of rejection themselves. "Playing it safe" means they're not really interested.

 

Does it fit every situation? Probably not. But if you're healed...and I mean 100% healed and over the breakup, then you wouldn't really be concerned about it.

 

There's room for flexibility of course. If my ex was to contact me in 6 months and ask to meet up, I'd probably come asking the forum because I've come to trust many of the people here...and because I know I'd be too close to the situation to see it clearly.

[mirage12]

Definitely, I hear you on that. Just wondering what the approach is if/when they do reach out/want to meet up. I suppose there's a difference between what looks like opening the door to potentially wanting to retry and flat out saying "let's try it again." The latter seems so extreme to me...has anyone experienced an ex actually being so forward in that way? It would seem, for both parties sake, that jumping right back into things would be a bad choice from both ends and that moving really slowly/testing the water is how it would play out?

[fixing]

I have a related question that OP might find helpful too (not trying to hijack). I've posted a few times about my own situation, but taking what Op said and projecting out into the future - what do you do if the ex does reach out and says she misses you/wants to meet up? Many people on here have said don't respond, do nothing unless she says something extreme like "let's get back together."

 

I'm curious as to why her communication would need to be so extreme. Even if the situation happens (or happens to OP in the future, as he hopes), doesn't it seem like you and the ex would be starting from square one? Not exactly jumping back into anything, or even able to express something so direct, especially after sorting through the emotional experience of a breakup. I get that everyone on here gives answers in black and white because it's best to protect the dumpee. But if the ex does start to reach out again and/or wants to meet up, how do you keep ANY line of communication open by being fully NC? Is it so horrible to initiate contact if they have started to reopen the lines?

 

That question entirely depends on the circumstances of the break up.

For OP's situation, if his ex sent him an email saying 'Hey, been thinking about you, how are things' Then he should dive head first into that conversation because he really did some hurtful things to his ex and caused the break up. Plus he still madly wants her back.

 

Next example.

If say, the dumpee and the ex had been together for 2 years until the dumper left him for someone else and completely broke his heart. The dumpee will be dying of heartache and rejection. He has to protect himself and go NO contact. As we all know, Dumper's almost ALWAYS throw breadcrumbs which 95% of the time turn out to be nothing other then them looking for ego boosts.

Dumper 'Hey, how are you? Its been a long time?'

After all the pain she has caused him by leaving him, thats the BEST she can come up with???

Its best to stay NC because it breadcrumbs that will lead to more heartache.

She should be bending over backwards to win him back, not some stupid meaningless mundane text.

 

Its a complex and broad question but most of the time if a dumpee receives texts/calls from the dumper they often fail to realise its nothing but breadcrumbs.

You will know 100% if your ex wants back, because she will be banging down the door, and its only when its that obvious you should respond, and by then you have all the power and its YOU who decides if you want them back.

 

TLDR

That question entirely depends on the circumstances of each individual break up.

[mirage12]

My ex and I broke up 3.5 weeks ago. Went almost complete NC for two weeks , and then she's started to reach out to me...asked a week ago if she could get me a drink. Again, I have no idea what her intentions are or what she really wants...but I do know that if I would've been contacting her constantly before this, she never would have reached out.

 

I did that with my ex before her and I was very very pathetic about it. She only reached out or responded out of what was probably pity.

[Never Again]

Definitely, I hear you on that. Just wondering what the approach is if/when they do reach out/want to meet up. I suppose there's a difference between what looks like opening the door to potentially wanting to retry and flat out saying "let's try it again." The latter seems so extreme to me...has anyone experienced an ex actually being so forward in that way? It would seem, for both parties sake, that jumping right back into things would be a bad choice from both ends and that moving really slowly/testing the water is how it would play out?

 

It's better to cross that bridge IF you get to it, which isn't very often.

 

If you constantly wonder this, then you're more prone to respond (and respond poorly) to breadcrumbs.

 

Delays your healing, validates their dumping you, gives them an ego boost and helps them move on...the usual jazz.

 

When you truly move on and begin to not really give a damn, then any chance of reconciliation would be natural. Nothing to be in a stir about.

 

That being said, "starting over" and starting slow really would be the only good way to do it...but that can only happen looooooooooong after both parties have moved on, grown, and fixed whatever personal issues they had that contributed to the break.

 

Better to not consider the possibility, to be honest. Think of it as a reverse self-fulfilling prophecy: the only chance you have, is to proceed as if you don't have a chance at all. At that point, it doesn't really matter much.

[mirage12]

That question entirely depends on the circumstances of the break up.

For OP's situation, if his ex sent him an email saying 'Hey, been thinking about you, how are things' Then he should dive head first into that conversation because he really did some hurtful things to his ex and caused the break up. Plus he still madly wants her back.

 

Next example.

If say, the dumpee and the ex had been together for 2 years until the dumper left him for someone else and completely broke his heart. The dumpee will be dying of heartache and rejection. He has to protect himself and go NO contact. As we all know, Dumper's almost ALWAYS throw breadcrumbs which 95% of the time turn out to be nothing other then them looking for ego boosts.

Dumper 'Hey, how are you? Its been a long time?'

After all the pain she has caused him by leaving him, thats the BEST she can come up with???

Its best to stay NC because it breadcrumbs that will lead to more heartache.

She should be bending over backwards to win him back, not some stupid meaningless mundane text.

 

Its a complex and broad question but most of the time if a dumpee receives texts/calls from the dumper they often fail to realise its nothing but breadcrumbs.

You will know 100% if your ex wants back, because she will be banging down the door, and its only when its that obvious you should respond, and by then you have all the power and its YOU who decides if you want them back.

 

TLDR

That question entirely depends on the circumstances of each individual break up.

 

This is why I'm a little at a loss. My situation is unlike either - I believe we split because she was going through some extreme external stress/depression, some of which was recently alleviated (long story, career related). The way we left things was that she couldn't handle the relationship because she recognized she was broken and needed to do something to fix herself.

 

I'm also not sure how to approach the "heavy lifting." When she asked me to meet up we couldn't really plan because it was thanksgiving week. She did ask me "when" and I was very vague, just saying "hopefully soon"/after thanksgiving.

[Simon Phoenix]

Definitely, I hear you on that. Just wondering what the approach is if/when they do reach out/want to meet up. I suppose there's a difference between what looks like opening the door to potentially wanting to retry and flat out saying "let's try it again." The latter seems so extreme to me...has anyone experienced an ex actually being so forward in that way? It would seem, for both parties sake, that jumping right back into things would be a bad choice from both ends and that moving really slowly/testing the water is how it would play out?

 

Yes I have. I have had an ex say straight out that she wanted another chance. Others on here have as well. So yes, it happens, no matter how badly you want to believe it doesn't and that you have to do all the work to restart a relationship that you didn't end. And you probably should have started another thread.