Porn, cheating?

[sallyblue89]

Ok, so I am sure many of you will have different views. I'm not sure why I feel the way I do. ..but I do and I would appreciate some advice.

 

I have been with my husband for 6 years. We just had a baby 7 months ago. From day one, we have both been on the same page with porn. We both agreed we don't really care for it. He said he was never into it. He doesn't masturbate. -Seriously!..he doesn't. Or at least didn't! And in the 6 years we have been together, the most he has done is maybe look up a naked celebrity once in a blue moon. I wasn't in the dark. that was really the extent of it, and I didn't care at all. This was one of the many reasons why I fell in love with him. No offense..but he wasn't your typical man always looking at porn.

 

Now, don't get me wrong. I understand there are beautiful woman EVERYWHERE. I Will be the first to tell him if there is a love scene in a movie how nice an actress's breasts are or walking down the street I'll point out someone attractive. I am not a prude. I don't expect him to be blind to all of the other woman out there. ..but I personally feel looking at porn or staring at other woman thinking about THEM sexually and not your wife IS cheating.

 

For the past couple of months, EVERYDAY...like ALL DAY he is looking up pictures of naked girls on this site where real girls post RAUNCHY pics. To me that is cheating and he knows it. I confronted him and he denied it. He has been deleting his history(Which I think the lying and sneaking around might even hurt more..)

 

I had the perfect body before the baby. Seriously, it was a 10. Now.. not so much. I'm working out hard and eating healthy trying to get it back, but i still have 10 pounds to go and have stretch marks on my stomach and thighs that look BAD and probably won't ever go away He barley wants to have sex unless I initiate. he even turns me down at times.

 

How can go from never ever looking at this, to now all day long and lying? Is it that he is no longer attracted to me? For someone who normally doesn't look at this do you think it's just a phase?

 

I am so hurt and I don't know what to do. I feel like if I confront him more, it won't matter if this is what he wants to do now. (Lust over other woman I almost want to post MY picture to get his attention. haha. If it was a once in awhile thing and he was honest, I don't think I would really care all that much. It's just that it's all day and he doesn't pay attention to me. It makes me feel not good enough. Can someone please give me advice?

Edited December 2, 2013 by sallyblue89

[Philosoraptor]

Well porn isn't cheating, but it is something you're allowed to not accept in your relationship.

 

Who knows why he's doing it? Have you shown him your proof and asked him directly what the issue is? No one else can answer that question. Do it in a non confrontational way and you may make progress on the issue.

[me85]

Tell him how you feel, as this is grounds for divorce.

[Arabella]

Wear something sexy. Look at those pics he was looking at. Is there a theme? I know you don't like porn. I don't believe he's not attracted to you. Maybe bored. Just saying. Mix it up. Try anal, lol. Whatever. Do something you've never done. Like while he's cooking supper, (if he does). Take his pants off right there without warning. Give him a BJ. Just an idea. The sky's the limit.

 

That sounds like rewarding his poor behavior and insensitivity.

 

OP, DO NOT DO THIS.

 

Talk to him instead. Explain how you feel about it, and ask him how he feels and why he wants to look at other women naked when he never felt the need before. Listen carefully -- this may not be about you at all.

 

-A

[Ninjainpajamas]

Obviously he knows the consequences which is why he is denying it in the first place.

 

It's difficult because for women it's all about the other women and comparing themselves to these random women that he looks at...for men it's not really the individual or that personal, it's more of just a sexual attraction or button if you will that men have and men need that variety in stimulation...it's the images, the fantasy that doesn't replace the reality...it doesn't mean he doesn't love you anymore or he's looking at these other women because you're not a 10 anymore, men don't look at porn because the person they are with "is not good enough"...you could be the hottest woman on the planet and a man will still look at porn...unless you can constantly morph your body into different shapes and sizes and essentially become the "variety".

 

It's also normal for men to masturbate I'm fairly certain he's always lied to you about that unless his sex drive was just nothing or there was some medical problem...look at your reaction over this, clearly he realizes your point of view and that you are not open about this concept of watching porn and therefore kind of eliminating masturbation underhandedly...I'm sure he's done and said whatever it was to satisfy you if your body was a perfect 10, he probably put you up on a pedestal.

 

It definitely doesn't mean he's not attracted to you...men watch porn even while happy and satisfied, it's not about you and your insecurities, those are things women put on the shoulders of men even though men don't work or think like women but women still place their issues and problems on men and actually expect them to satisfy what they think is within their reasonable needs/desires...its not reasonable to control or tell men what to like or how they feel or what they do mean if they actually genuinely do not feel that way or have the same perspective as you.

 

At any rate, it's clear there are some underlying issues going on in this relationship...something is wrong, however with your poor self-esteem and your sensitivity to these issues I highly doubt you'll make any headway because whatever the problem is, if it happens to be associated with your fears or issues then it's not something he'll be able to admit and you'll just throw it in his face that you thought there was an agreement that he wasn't into porn...the guy is obviously a pussy to an extent and afraid to say how he really feels and confront you, so it doesn't make it any easier when you start to corner him and then expect the "truth"....a truth you realistically can't seem to handle anyway, emotionally you'd rather just believe that he's different than the "rest of men"....unless he was born on another planet and someone skipped the wiring process that men were given, I don't understand how you could believe in something like that...realistically speaking.

 

This is not cheating, and IMO far and away from being a big deal...but your issues is definitely going to make this into a huge problem and unfortunately you'll not get to the bottom of the real issues...communication will be limited with an idealistic woman such as yourself who insists on seeing things in one way and one way only for the sake of her own vulnerability.

[Chi townD]

Personally, in my opinion, if the WORST thing that he's doing is looking at images on a screen of women that isn't even real and no one he's ever had any kind of contact with. Well, there are worse things he could be doing...just look on this site and read some threads....you'll find some really messed up crap on here!

 

A lot of women will say that if there boyfriend or husband looks at porn from time to time, then fine. Guys are extremely visual creatures. BUT! If porn start to become problematic with the relationship or it starts to take away from the relationship. Then, it's a problem that needs to be addressed immediately.

 

It think that the biggest problem you have isn't that he's cheating, which I don't really agree with. But, the problem is, is that you had a baby and you're not feeling very sexy about how you look and feel. And with your husband looking at porn, makes you feel that he finds these women more attractive than you. I think that's the biggest problem here.

 

So, you need to talk with him. And I'm not saying a talk where YOU talk and HE listens. You need to have a calm and open discussion about what's going on. No yelling or screaming.

 

He may have a VERY real condition you haven't even thought about. It's a variation of the condition called the Madonna Complex. That he still finds you extremely attractive and desires you. But, he's hung up about trying very sexual things with you (even wild and crazy things that you might find fun) because now you are the mother of his child. And he has formed a certain image of you in his head that doing those things with the mother of his child is being disrespectful. So, he's using porn as his outlet. The Madonna/ whore Complex is where he identifies women into two categories. One, being the Saintly Madonna and the other is the whore. The Madonna he holds as a woman he admires and adores and the whore is just that. The other group he doesn't respect and views only as a sexual deterrent. It's a very real thing. Look it up.

 

So, considering what you wrote that he's never had an interest before, could explain what's happening now. But, you need to have that discussion. And please, when you have that discussion, don't make him feel ashamed for watch porn. That's just a symptom. So, don't focus on the symptom and get to the root of the problem.

Edited December 2, 2013 by Chi townD

[ConstantVoyager]

I really don't understand why some women find porn and masturbation a problem.

 

That said, if you want to resolve this issue, don't approach him in anger. Just try to talk to him about what is going on. He might be freaked out about being a new father, freaked out about the idea that you're a mother and a wife now, not just his wife. I think it takes some time for some men to adjust to the idea of their sexual partner being someone else's mother.

[lifeunderground]

It's just porn.

 

It's not like he's spending days on end being infatuated, after he gets off the porn is gone too.

 

When I was really young I had the same mindset with my boyfriends but I was really insecure

 

You can't control a man's eyes...he will either hide it or resent you for it.

 

It brings variety into your relationship, not like he's sticking his dick in them.

 

The lack of sex is an issue though that you should discuss.

 

Just think of it like this: the girls are paid whores and sperm receptacles, they don't mean anything to him

 

Try to lighten up.

[sallyblue89]

Well porn isn't cheating, but it is something you're allowed to not accept in your relationship.

 

Who knows why he's doing it? Have you shown him your proof and asked him directly what the issue is? No one else can answer that question. Do it in a non confrontational way and you may make progress on the issue.

 

I didn't give him proof. I just told him I know he has been looking at naked pics. His response was that it was a once in a blue moon thing. I didn't tell him I know it was everyday.

[sallyblue89]

It's not cheating. It's stimulation. And yes, he masterbates, lol. Even though you think he doesn't.

 

PM your pic please.

 

He really doesn't masturbate. Has he ever? Of course! But he doesn't like the way it feels when he does it. Trust me, I didn't believe him for the longest time. Before I was pregnant, we were having sex at least once a day. Now, it's once a week, and really quick. He doesn't seem interested at all.

 

i'd rather not post a pic to stay anonymous. I have a pretty face. My weight isn't even bad. I'm 125. I was 115 before. I gained 80 pounds during my pregnancy. I have huge purple stretch marks all over my stomach and thighs and my stomach is wrinkly It's really gross. I'm doing everything I can to fix it but it hasn't healed that much in 7 months.

[MalachiX]

Most men watch porn and, yes, masturbate. The fact that you fell in love with your guy because you thought he was immune is a bit worrisome (aren't there better things to fall in love over?)

 

It's not cheating and if you treat it as though it's the same as infidelity then you're just going to push him away (and then you may get to see what actual cheating is like).

 

I suggest you take a deep breath and let this guy. He's living with you. He's devoted to you. It's not the end of the world if he touches himself while looking at other women. You're telling me you've never found another man attractive?

[sallyblue89]

Damn. Well first off a few things. One, congratulations on your child! Second, kudos for working out and eating well, some people can't manage that long term anyway, let alone right after having a kid + hormones + being exhausted from raising a child and all that. And third, I'm sorry he's doing this. While I'm of the opinion that looking at porn doesn't exactly equal cheating, the fact that this is (to your knowledge) a recent development and seemingly caused by the after effects of your pregnancy makes this situation a little different.

 

I'd suggest you talk to him about this, no one thinks to delete their history unless they're on a public machine or they have something embarrassing they don't want seen. I will ask though how you know for sure he's looking at it "all day every day"? If you have irrefutable proof and he's attempting to lie about it, that's a very different ball game.

 

Also as for your last comment about posting your picture to get his attention, let's not do that. We're in a very tender age of the internet where people of both genders think it's alright to post porn/nudes of themselves online with no repercussions, and the fact is that all it takes is someone drawing a line of familiarity to your face/body/revenge "calling you out" for your name to be permanently attached to online nudes in multiple databases. As they say, nothing ever goes away on the internet, and if you ever wanted a career that would have you being in a public light, you'd literally kill your chances for success just for having nudes out and about.

 

Unless society changes how it views nudity and sexuality of course, but I'm willing to bet the current mentality will continue for quite awhile.

 

There are also entire sites dedicated to pregnancy fetishes, including pre and post pregnancy photos. While some women knowingly upload images of themselves to these sites, many never know it's happening and have no clue that photos of themselves (and sometimes their infants) are being used as spank fodder by thousands of strangers. You can thank sites like Facebook for open access to images like that. Not wanting to make you paranoid, just want you to be informed of most risks.

 

Thank you so much for your response

 

Everyone I know, including my mom thinks my views on porn are absurd. Like I said, I don't know why I feel this way. Maybe a part of it is insecurity, but I just feel if you love someone and want to be with them, you should lust after THAT person. He is looking at these naked woman ALL day long, and I just find it insulting, and like he prefers them over me.

 

He has also been my best friend and we have never hid anything from me. Now he is lying straight to my face and deleting his history.

 

he doesn't know I know about the website. If I posted on the website, I would never ever show my face. I would probably post a pre pregnancy photo to get his attention. Also, with this site people can leave comments, messages and the poster can respond. It's just everyday girls posting. I don't think he is going that far, at this point though..who knows

 

I don't want to be like his mother and "forbid" him. There has to be a reason for him suddenly doing this. I just wish I could get to the bottom of it so he could stop. Unless he is just not attracted to me anymore and he is missing that in our relationship?

[sallyblue89]

Most men watch porn and, yes, masturbate. The fact that you fell in love with your guy because you thought he was immune is a bit worrisome (aren't there better things to fall in love over?)

 

It's not cheating and if you treat it as though it's the same as infidelity then you're just going to push him away (and then you may get to see what actual cheating is like).

 

I suggest you take a deep breath and let this guy. He's living with you. He's devoted to you. It's not the end of the world if he touches himself while looking at other women. You're telling me you've never found another man attractive?

 

"One of the MANY reasons I fell in love with him." Porn has always turned me off and I felt lucky I found a guy with similar views.

 

I know most people don't find porn cheating, however if I do in MY relationship, than it is. Everyone has different boundaries and definitions of cheating.

[sallyblue89]

It's just porn.

 

It's not like he's spending days on end being infatuated, after he gets off the porn is gone too.

 

When I was really young I had the same mindset with my boyfriends but I was really insecure

 

You can't control a man's eyes...he will either hide it or resent you for it.

 

It brings variety into your relationship, not like he's sticking his dick in them.

 

The lack of sex is an issue though that you should discuss.

 

Just think of it like this: the girls are paid whores and sperm receptacles, they don't mean anything to him

 

Try to lighten up.

 

It's not a regular porn site. It's real girls posting nude pictures. He looks at it all day long. And he never did before. It started after we had a baby. if we had a normal sex life and it was a once in awhile thing, I really wouldn't care that much. It's like he is choosing these girls over me, and it's really hurtful.

[WhiteButton]

Now, don't get me wrong. I understand there are beautiful woman EVERYWHERE. I Will be the first to tell him if there is a love scene in a movie how nice an actress's breasts are or walking down the street I'll point out someone attractive. I am not a prude. I don't expect him to be blind to all of the other woman out there. ..but I personally feel looking at porn or staring at other woman thinking about THEM sexually and not your wife IS cheating.

 

I disagree with your statement that porn is cheating. I think you are being to hard on him and if you keep going at that rate i wouldnt be surprised if he went out and cheated for real. I am a guy and i can say without any doubt that any guy that tells you he doesn't like porn is full of S$%! he was trying to make a good impression on you because that is what you liked to hear him say. Also when he says he doesnt musterbate another lie...he does you just dont know about it.

 

My advice would be - I would approach this whole thing from a different angle in your position. It sounds like sex has droped between you two...rather then boycoting porn why not bring it into the bad room before you guys have sex? See if it spices up things. If it make you feel uncomfortable that he is watching porn, and you truly think its cheating i think this is some insecurity with you. Experiment a little bit, dont let sex be boring.

 

I am sorry if i am coming harsh its not my intention. Hope you guys make it work. Good luck.

[Keenly]

Just be careful because you are slowly moving out of " concern " mode and drifting into " control " mode.

 

Remember that you do not own your husbands sexuality. Also remember that even though be looks, he doesn't love like he loves you.

 

 

 

Also..... keeping a straight face while Saying " my man should only lust after me and only me for the rest of his life " must be hard. That's not even possible.

 

 

One last thing. If you have read 50 shades of grey. You should tell us. Because you would be a hypocrite if you did. You probably haven't though.

[mickleb]

You are already a mum but you still have a lot of wising up to do.

 

Get a grip of your insecurities and talk to you husband. Even if he has only just developed a taste for porn (unlikely) there is nothing wrong with him using it. The problem is the lack of communication between you. He's terrified of admitting he likes it to you, you're paranoid he doesn't fancy you since you've had your baby. Try talking honestly to each other, although you're going to need another chat with your (quite rational-sounding) mum and to read up on the subject, before you do.

 

Please, please understand that porn is not the problem here. And that it does not mean he loves you any less. And that he is perfectly entitled to fancy other women and find them sexually arousing! What does reflect on you is your strong judgement of him being nothing more than a very normal man! That's a massive turn-off right there. As is your preoccupation with your own body. A perfect body doesn't automatically equate to sexy, you know. It takes a bit more than that, like being confident with what you've got and even *shock!* a bit open to being a little 'dirty'!

 

Do you really think the strength of your marriage is based on your body being slightly less perfect than it was before the baby? Do you really, really believe you have grounds to divorce this guy (which is what cheating is) because he's looked at some photos of naked girls?

 

Slow right down and back right up. You do not get to ban him from being a healthy male. You do get to ask him questions about what has happened to your sex-life. I mean, have you ever considered he's trying to be considerate by not initiating sex as often as he knows you're more tired now? Or that he's feeling exhausted? Of course he shouldn't lie to you but I can understand why he's terrified!

 

Take a breath and rethink this, please.

[lifeunderground]

It's not a regular porn site. It's real girls posting nude pictures. He looks at it all day long. And he never did before. It started after we had a baby. if we had a normal sex life and it was a once in awhile thing, I really wouldn't care that much. It's like he is choosing these girls over me, and it's really hurtful.

 

Okay I retract my statement due to your situation.

 

That is cheating when all his desires are being placed into these women, and he is neglecting you due to it.

 

He sounds addicted and will need therapy

 

All day long is not healthy and I would not accept this behavior

 

My post was targeting the occasional (every few days) porn viewers.

[pteromom]

The porn isn't the REAL issue here. The issue is that you used to have sex every day, and now you do it once a week and it's quick. Your husband doesn't have the interest he once had in you.

 

The fact that he's now funneling that interest into porn just makes it hurt all the more. If he just wasn't interested in sex at all, that would be one thing. But that he is interested in porn girls, but not you... that's a problem!

 

In this case, I WOULD call it cheating.

 

Dr. Phil's definition of cheating is:

 

- he's going outside the marriage to fill needs that should be filled inside the marriage (check)

- he is engaging in behavior that he wouldn't do in front of his spouse (check)

 

So yeah, it could fall under the definition of cheating.

 

But the real issue is you not getting your needs met in the marriage, so that's what you should talk to him about instead of focusing on the porn use. Why has sex slowed down so much? Why is he showing no interest in you?

[Ninjainpajamas]

It's not a regular porn site. It's real girls posting nude pictures. He looks at it all day long. And he never did before. It started after we had a baby. if we had a normal sex life and it was a once in awhile thing, I really wouldn't care that much. It's like he is choosing these girls over me, and it's really hurtful.

 

I wouldn't say he's "choosing these girls over you" but there's definitely some issues, a lot of behavior has changed and what you're really doing is just focusing on one result of whatever is happening in the relationship...you're concentrating on the nude women he looks at because you're insecure about it...that's not the real issues here, stop turning this into an "am I pretty than her or am I not good enough" kind of BS thing, men don't care about that kind of shet...but he's obviously withdrawing from the relationship and if there is major issues in the relationship then he'll start seeking the real thing eventually and you won't just be checking his history for nude women on the internet but his phone for text messages and his extended period of time away from home and other changes in behavior if it gets that far.

 

So you really need to stop making it all about these nude women, you need to have a conversation and get him to tell you what is going on because things aren't right and that's plain to see...but don't automatically go for your weak spot because you're jealous over other women and worried they're hotter than you are...that's just all you and really not the main source of the problem.

[FitChick]

The problem is the baby. He married a hot woman with whom he had sex daily and now she doesn't look so great and, on top of that, ignores him most of the time because all of her attention is on the baby. This is the main reason for divorce. With the birth of the first child and each succeeding one, marital satisfaction plummets. The man feels like he isn't important any more beyond paying the bills. Don't take my word for it. This is what every divorced man has told me and what surveys over the years have shown.

 

Get a babysitter every weekend and "date" him and try to recapture those earlier happy days. Don't make him an afterthought in your life if you want your baby to grow up with a father.

[Iguanna]

2 questions:

1. How can he change from "never watching porn" to "watching porn all day long"? It doesn't make sense. It's like someone who never drank in his life to suddenly become an alcoholic.

2. How do you mean "watching porn all day long"? Doesn't he work? Doesn't he help with the new born baby? He just ignores both of you to watch porn? Doesn't make sense either.

[Keenly]

The problem is the baby. He married a hot woman with whom he had sex daily and now she doesn't look so great and, on top of that, ignores him most of the time because all of her attention is on the baby. This is the main reason for divorce. With the birth of the first child and each succeeding one, marital satisfaction plummets. The man feels like he isn't important any more beyond paying the bills. Don't take my word for it. This is what every divorced man has told me and what surveys over the years have shown.

 

Get a babysitter every weekend and "date" him and try to recapture those earlier happy days. Don't make him an afterthought in your life if you want your baby to grow up with a father.

 

I think this is what's going on. Two very important needs of being a man are to be appreciated, and to feel needed. I don't think he feels needed anymore. He is just there.

[Bito]

Why do I doubt he looks at porn all day?

 

Im sorry but you sound very insecure.

[MalachiX]

Hey Sally. I'm really not trying to pick on you. It just sounds like you're in danger of hurting your relationship with your husband by demanding things of him which aren't really fair and are likely to push him away and make him resent you.

 

You also seem rather intent on interpretting his actions is a very negative way which makes you feel bad about yourself. This isn't good for you and it isn't good for him. All of this is your call but I think you'd gain a lot by listening to your mother and other people on these boards and maybe letting go of this preconception you have.

 

I think there is a problem if he doesn't want to have sex anymore and that's worth talking to him about. However, telling him that watching porn is cheating is out of line and not good for you guys.

 

"One of the MANY reasons I fell in love with him." Porn has always turned me off and I felt lucky I found a guy with similar views.

 

I know most people don't find porn cheating, however if I do in MY relationship, than it is. Everyone has different boundaries and definitions of cheating.

 

Yes and no.

 

I'm going to use an extreme metaphor to make a point so please don't take this as an attack.

 

What if a guy marries a girl and one of the reasons he falls in love with her is that she doesn't have any male friends so he doesn't feel threatened. Then, years later, she happens to make a male friend at work. Even though nothing is going on, he decides that this is cheating in his book.

 

Or, what if a guy marries a girl who says she doesn't like porn and he's happy about that because he can't compete with buff porn dudes (save for Ron Jeremy). Later on he discovers that she really enjoys reading erotic romance novels in the bathtub while masturbating (a bit of a cliche perhaps but it happens). This guy also decides that his wife is cheating.

 

In both these cases, the guys chose to define cheating in a way which wasn't really fair to their spouses. They also chose to define it based on something that demonstrated their insecurity. Both of these guys can chose to make this an issue in their marriage but it's only going to hurt them and their spouse in the long run.

 

The fact that you seemed to really care that much about whether your guy watched porn is a bit of a red light in my book. The fact that you felt the need to call yourself "a 10" is as well. Both of these things suggest to me you're more than a little insecure about yourself and making decisions based of insecurity tends to be death in relationships.

 

Everyone I know, including my mom thinks my views on porn are absurd.

 

Part of the reason we have good friends and family is that they give us reality checks. They're the ones who can say, "yes, you're being unreasonable and you're going to hurt your relationship." I talk to close friends and family about certain things and I listen to them if everyone is saying the same thing. I listen even if I don't like what I'm hearing.

 

but I just feel if you love someone and want to be with them, you should lust after THAT person. He is looking at these naked woman ALL day long, and I just find it insulting, and like he prefers them over me.

 

First of all, I'm sorry but you really have been unrealistic about basic human biology. Love and lust are not the same thing and they never will be. Lusting after many women is a chemical reaction caused by testosterone and is 100% out of man's control and not indicative about his feelings for a person. That doesn't excuse someone who betrays his partner by cheating but it's wrong for you to become the thought police and insist that if he loves you he won't feel lust for anyone else.

 

Second off, he doesn't prefer them over you. He's made love to you for six+ years and naturally we're hard-wired to start to feel a desire for something else so that we can be excited. Women do this too (though less because they have less testosterone).

 

The problem isn't looking at porn. The problem is not paying attention to you. You guys need to figure out a way to get your sex life going again and you both need to be part of the solution. Perhaps he should be more open about how he feels but that's hard when you tell him that his natural sexual impulses are cheating in your book.

 

He looks at it all day long.

 

I think this sound to a lot of people like you're exaggerating based on insecurity. How do you know he looks at it all day long? Does he not go to work? For that matter, you do know that it's possible he's doing other things on the computer aside from porn. I hate to further disillusion you about men but lots of guys who work at home might spend a half hour to an hour looking at porn but spend the rest of the time working.

 

If he really is doing it ALL DAY LONG then this is cause for alarm as he may be addicted to porn and that is a serious problem. Of course, one might get addicted because one spent years avoiding it all together. 100% suppressing certain urges can have a lot of bad results. Maybe keep that in mind as you move forward.