Learning how to overcome the need for approval and external validation

[Meadowgreen]

Hey LS,

 

Today I had a startling thought.

 

Today I considered something that at first unnerved me, then left me suspended in a strange sense of disbelief that eventually settled into a pool of calm.

 

I considered the possibility...that instead of needing validation from my friends, my family, my lover, my boss, my neighbourhood, my social network, the media I watch, the celebrities I follow, the world I live in...

 

Maybe...just maybe...the only person I truly need validation from is myself.

 

Think about that for a moment.

 

Think about a life where the shallow opinions of others have no bearing on you.

 

Think of a moment where you're truly, madly, deeply glad to be this person, in this skin, blinking these eyes, thinking these things, feeling these feelings, hoping these hopes... your hopes...

 

Think of a day where you don't torment yourself with thoughts that you're not smart enough / rich enough / attractive enough / successful enough...

 

Think of a day we're you're simply...enough.

 

Think how liberating a day like that would be.

 

Is anyone else here trying to cultivate a feeling of genuine self-validation? I'd love to hear your stories and tips on how to get there.

[todreaminblue]

today even though i feel liek utter crap ....i dont want to be anyone else....never have......ill be m e...to me that is me validating..i will never think i am pretty i dotn need to eb pretty to do what i have to do in this life....i need to be approachable...i accept who i am, where i have come from and hopefully where i am going will be a blast....i dont need people to tell me i am pretty or hto or sexy its actually an insult that peopel look at me and think sex....... ....if i look decent that is enough......if i dont have toilet paper stuck to my shoe or my dress tucked into my stockings i consider i look peachy and fuzzy....i like fuzzy people ......a fuzzy guy with glasses...ok ....im out.....he doesnt need to validate m e or what i like o rwho i am .....hummmmph i dont have toilet paper stuck to my shoe today so ....bonus...........:0)........deb

[Meadowgreen]

today even though i feel liek utter crap ....i dont want to be anyone else....never have......ill be m e...to me that is me validating..i will never think i am pretty i dotn need to eb pretty to do what i have to do in this life....i need to be approachable...i accept who i am, where i have come from and hopefully where i am going will be a blast....i dont need people to tell me i am pretty or hto or sexy its actually an insult that peopel look at me and think sex....... ....if i look decent that is enough......if i dont have toilet paper stuck to my shoe or my dress tucked into my stockings i consider i look peachy and fuzzy....i like fuzzy people ......a fuzzy guy with glasses...ok ....im out.....he doesnt need to validate m e or what i like o rwho i am .....hummmmph i dont have toilet paper stuck to my shoe today so ....bonus...........:0)........deb

 

Being content in your own skin is half the battle. Everything around us tells us we can never be happy with who we are, what our body shape is, what we look like. Look at it closely, and you'll see that it's all a clever mechanism to strip you of your personal power and enslave you.

 

People who hate themselves and survive solely off the validation of others are never happy with their lot, so they:

 

• Distract themselves with trashy celeb magazines and reality TV instead of nurturing their beautiful minds with knowledge and nature
   
   
  
• Stuff the void within them with useless junk, bling and expensive trinkets rather than heal that void with self-love
   
   
  
• Tear those they deem more worthy of them apart because they're too cowardly to attain betterment for themselves
   
   
  
• Languish in terrible relationships that leech them dry and dull their spirit instead of walking away and loving themselves
   
  

 

 

Looking closely, I'm realising that happiness has nothing to do with the world's perception of me and everything to do with MY perception of me. As long as I live in a way that's congruent to my core values (self-respect, compassion, generosity, creativity and integrity) then that's all that matters.

 

I hope every broken hearted person on this board one day realises just how worthy of their own love they really are.

[regine_phalange]

Self validation starts indeed when you start listening to yoursef! I think it is all about attending your own needs. Being a friend with your healthy ego.

 

How do you feel when you spend time by yourself? Do you have fun? Why? Why not?

Do you ever wish you knew how to receive? Love, compliments, care...

If someone wanted to spoil you, would you allow them? Would you feel guilty?

What makes others more important than yourself?

Maybe the fact that you have your attention focused on them and not on you?

 

We can't be perfect. No one holds all the answers!

Even if perfection was something achievable, we wouldn't achieve it in one day. Years and years would pass... A lifetime. Otherwise, what would be the meaning of all this?

 

What's the rush?

[rec88]

I'd like to add to the 'people who are seeking validation do this' list.

 

A big one I've noticed is they post all the interesting things in their life to social media. Huge attention seeking behavior, and it's a very tempting thing. Notice their social media personality does not match their actual life. We've all got these friends.

 

I've found a good way to avoid this is intentionally NOT post your biggest achievements or events in your life. Share them with the people closest to you and that's it. I think it's a useful exercise and it makes you much more interesting in person.

[Meadowgreen]

I'd like to add to the 'people who are seeking validation do this' list.

 

A big one I've noticed is they post all the interesting things in their life to social media. Huge attention seeking behavior, and it's a very tempting thing. Notice their social media personality does not match their actual life. We've all got these friends.

 

I've found a good way to avoid this is intentionally NOT post your biggest achievements or events in your life. Share them with the people closest to you and that's it. I think it's a useful exercise and it makes you much more interesting in person.

 

Amen.

 

There's a dude I know through a friend who preaches self-confidence around local schools, which is a brilliant thing to do, don't get me wrong, but damn does he EVER shut up about:

• His new bling (he's a former failed rapper so maybe this explains it)
  • 
    

  [*]His new BMW

  [*]How all his haters are losers

  [*]How anyone who doesn't agree with him is a loser

  [*]His 'rockstar lifestyle'

  [*]How anyone who doubts his success is pathetic and jealous

 

Not to mention that he flies into an ALL CAPS tirade if people suggest that much of his new trappings are bought on credit. Surely if you're content with yourself and your place in life you'd see jealous remarks for what they are, right?

[rec88]

Meadowgreen I think we might know the same guy . Just remember this important distinction:

 

con·fi·dence: belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities.

 

ar·ro·gance: having or showing an exaggerated opinion of one's own importance, merit, ability, etc; conceited; overbearingly proud.

 

The guy I used to seemed to be motivated by seeking validation from young adults about how awesome he was rather than inspiring them to better themselves. I couldn't figure out how in the world he got into that line of work. Makes me wonder if that kind of sincerity can be faked...

[William]

Moderation bump by member request

[Taramere]

Is anyone else here trying to cultivate a feeling of genuine self-validation? I'd love to hear your stories and tips on how to get there.

 

I'm happy when I feel in harmony with my surroundings and get a sense that I'm making good choices. When you have that sense, other people disagreeing with your choices, deriding them or imposing their own tastes and choices as "better" becomes an irrelevance; you have that strong sense of confidence that you're making the choices that are right for you. That's what I think having a sense of self means.

 

I was talking to my brother recently about a man we both know who is very popular but doesn't seem to have much of a sense of himself. He's popular because he goes through life kissing up to wealthy people and making useful contacts. He's a terrible snob. I can remember a few times this guy has criticised things about me. Where I live, for instance (in what I consider to be a very appealing little oasis on the edge of one of the rougher parts of town). He interspersed his criticism with effusive apologies. I laughed it off and said it was okay. That as long as I was happy I didn't really care what anybody else thought of where I lived. You could see all over his face that he absolutely could not grasp the concept of not really caring what other people think of what you have so long as you're happy with it. And I think that's what the lack of a sense of self is...and when a person lacks that sense of their own self they become very dependent on other people to validate their life choices. "Do I live in the right part of town? Do I drive the right car? " and so on.

 

However, there are times we all become tested in our ability to have confidence in ourselves and the choices we make. I visited NYC some weeks back and was staying at one of the nicer hotels. I was dressed smartly enough, but certainly not in high fashion, carrying $2000 dollar handbags or any of that. A few times I caught sight of other women staring really hard at me and I got the distinct impression they wanted to let me know that they were noticing I didn't have all the expensive, "right" accessories. I did get a flash of feeling "should I be dressed more expensively?" Then I thought "are you crazy? Dress more expensively just so that the disapproving stares of a couple of narcissists (who probably get themselves into heavy debt with all the money they spend on clothes) is lessened slightly? I don't think so..."

 

So generally, that. Have faith in the choices you make as being the right ones for you, and don't let other people's judgements throw you off course. In a lot of cases the most blatant and rude judgements are probably related to irritation that comes from them sensing you don't need external validation to the extent that they do. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with enjoying and appreciating external validation when you get it. But the fact that you enjoy it doesn't mean you have to depend on it in order to be reassured that the choices you make are okay.

Edited July 7, 2014 by Taramere

[todreaminblue]

I read what i wrote i don't know how long ago that was i wrote that....don't agree with it.....self effacing crap, throw off stuff....cover up with goofy side....

 

 

I know what i deserve in life....i deserve to be able to express myself...i deserve to be respected because i show respect for others....and i have the right to think i am special...there's no one like me never will be anyone like me...im one of a kind...i am a multiple personality and they are all one of a kind....i am not up myself but i have some wonderful qualities and then i have areas to work on....i will always be a work in progress.......i think face book is stupid......when it becomes a constant upload scenario...i think i have a lot to give people in my life and i do ....for that reason i deserve to get something back ......i dont need to be spoilt i spoil myself on not so good days...i take walks in fresh air and visit favourite haunts ...like my pier and i get back to nature, i eat ice cream for no reason for breakfast, i go on stealth missions to cheer myself when i need cheering.....

 

 

i do love who i am and i know that there are many past and present who have seen and loved exactly who i am, all the good and the bad they see my flaws and know it is just me...if peopel dont accept me .......it says more aboutthem than it does about me and i am passed caring...im gonna sing..and im going to shine....regardless..deb

[whoiswhatwhenwhere]

Hey LS,

 

Today I had a startling thought.

 

Today I considered something that at first unnerved me, then left me suspended in a strange sense of disbelief that eventually settled into a pool of calm.

 

I considered the possibility...that instead of needing validation from my friends, my family, my lover, my boss, my neighbourhood, my social network, the media I watch, the celebrities I follow, the world I live in...

 

Maybe...just maybe...the only person I truly need validation from is myself.

 

Think about that for a moment.

 

Think about a life where the shallow opinions of others have no bearing on you.

 

Think of a moment where you're truly, madly, deeply glad to be this person, in this skin, blinking these eyes, thinking these things, feeling these feelings, hoping these hopes... your hopes...

 

Think of a day where you don't torment yourself with thoughts that you're not smart enough / rich enough / attractive enough / successful enough...

 

Think of a day we're you're simply...enough.

 

Think how liberating a day like that would be.

 

Is anyone else here trying to cultivate a feeling of genuine self-validation? I'd love to hear your stories and tips on how to get there.

 

That's what I'm here to do.

I think the reason we seek external validation has a lot to do with how you were raised. If your parents instilled a sense of self-confidence/self-esteem, a good self-image, a good sense of self-respect and love then you will automatically know how to love yourself without the need for external validation.

For those who didn't have emotionally sound parents, they were never taught this way of thinking and so have to make a conscious effort to learn to think in a self-loving way. It's kind of like learning how to ride a bike... some kids were never taught, and it's a lot harder to learn later on in life.

[SpiralOut]

 

Think how liberating a day like that would be.

 

Is anyone else here trying to cultivate a feeling of genuine self-validation? I'd love to hear your stories and tips on how to get there.

 

I've been working on this for years. Seems like I'm finally making some progress.

 

Whenever I feel hurt or upset I take some time to talk to myself. That probably makes me sound crazy, but I find it more helpful to talk out loud than to write it down or think inside my head (though I do journalling also). I take on the role of my adult self and talk to the hurt self - which for me, is a young child. I ask her what's wrong and she tells me what happened and why her feeling are hurt, and I comfort her. This is a technique that I learned from a therapist session. I had a spiritually minded therapist who taught me that everyone has a "family" of different selves inside, and that we can heal ourselves by talking to them.

 

I didn't really have anyone to talk to about my problems as a kid, so I carried that unmet need with me into adulthood. I've been subconsciously seeking out someone who can comfort me. At my age, it's not really appropriate to do that so I had to learn to do it for myself. It sure feels good to be able to do that. I've finally met someone who will always be on my side and who will always be with me - me.

 

And I agree with the other posters, that those who need validation are the ones most likely to scream to the world how great they are.

[Offspring]

Hey LS,

 

Today I had a startling thought.

 

Today I considered something that at first unnerved me, then left me suspended in a strange sense of disbelief that eventually settled into a pool of calm.

 

I considered the possibility...that instead of needing validation from my friends, my family, my lover, my boss, my neighbourhood, my social network, the media I watch, the celebrities I follow, the world I live in...

 

Maybe...just maybe...the only person I truly need validation from is myself.

 

Think about that for a moment.

 

Think about a life where the shallow opinions of others have no bearing on you.

 

Think of a moment where you're truly, madly, deeply glad to be this person, in this skin, blinking these eyes, thinking these things, feeling these feelings, hoping these hopes... your hopes...

 

Think of a day where you don't torment yourself with thoughts that you're not smart enough / rich enough / attractive enough / successful enough...

 

Think of a day we're you're simply...enough.

 

Think how liberating a day like that would be.

 

Is anyone else here trying to cultivate a feeling of genuine self-validation? I'd love to hear your stories and tips on how to get there.

 

Post of the century!

Edited July 8, 2014 by Offspring