rumbleseat Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 I am asking this question out of curiosity. If you were married long term, and your husband of wife had decided that they no longer wanted to remain in the marriage, would you rather know right away or would you rather have them tell you when they felt the time was right -e.g.- after the holidays, when they had found a new place to live, when they felt they had someone to support them afterwards, or maybe they just felt the time was right to call it quits? Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 I want to know right away so I can start planning my single life as soon as possible. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
happykat Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 Agree with Woggle - it's a form of cruelty to postpone telling the spouse because you are (in effect) living a lie until the full truth is disclosed. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jforthegirl Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 Being someone who was just told after a 20+ year relationship that he didn't love me anymore, hasn't for 5 years, and being told this 4 weeks before the holidays, I have a few thoughts. Don't wait 5 years, don't knowingly by a house, get married, and have a child when you know the relationship is broken. Don't be a coward. That being said. ... If you've waited for 5 goddamn years and the holiday season is upon you, go ahead and wait until after the holidays. You're going to ruin some lives either way, may as well let your family enjoy one holiday season before you ruin them for the rest of their lives. just a thought. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShannonBanana Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 Depends on the circumstance. My husband told me the news 2 weeks after a major jaw operation in which my liquid diet had caused me to loose about 15 pounds from my already slim frame. The news made me lose my appetite even further and caused a tremendous amount of stress at an already incredibly stressful time. I would have rather he waited at least a couple more weeks to tell me. I only now after 5 months have started to regain some weight...my mom says up until now I have looked anorexic. If it wasn't a health issue, I would prefer to know ASAP, holiday or no holiday. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rumbleseat Posted December 3, 2013 Author Share Posted December 3, 2013 What about a spouse who says that he or she is unhappy, might to leave, but wants to try and work on things first. What if they say that, but the truth is that they have made up their mind to go and they are trying to get things in order for themselves before they go? Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 What about a spouse who says that he or she is unhappy, might to leave, but wants to try and work on things first. What if they say that, but the truth is that they have made up their mind to go and they are trying to get things in order for themselves before they go? The say I see it is as soon as divorce is even hinted at I am planning on life without them. Link to post Share on other sites
BeingMe Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 What about a spouse who says that he or she is unhappy, might to leave, but wants to try and work on things first. What if they say that, but the truth is that they have made up their mind to go and they are trying to get things in order for themselves before they go? Saying that is just cruel and cowardly. Just think every day that you stay and give them hope,is one more day that they will beat themselves up about and call themselves a fool for believing you. If you have sex or anything like that, it will feel like a terrible violation to the other person because you did it under false pretences. Don't wait, quickly rip the bandaid off in one go. Then you will at least have your self respect and they may not hate you quite as much. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 You don't end a marriage the same way you walk away from a dating relationship. It takes time to sort things out & seperate a life time of stuff, memories & emotions. If there are kids involved, I'd wouldn't want the official news before Christmas. Let them have one last memory of being together before their whole worlds turn upside down, assuming everybody can be civil. If it's going to be drama & fighting, leave sooner than later. As somebody else pointed out there shouldn't be false hope, sex etc. Just co-existence. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 From experience - our last Christmas as a family was torture, and probably torturous for the kids, as my then stbxw was outrageously cruel in her treatment of me that day and the whole week leading up to it. The worst mind-f*ck of all-time, for me and the kids. I'd rather I'd 'woken up' earlier in the fall and jumped ship and got my new life in order, for me and the kids, rather than having suffered through the holiday. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Decisiontomake Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 I've been umming and ahhhing for so long about leaving my marriage - won't bore you with the details, I've posted previously - and now that I feel I've made the decision internally (albeit with continual doubt etc), I am wondering what to do in terms of Christmas approaching. Part of me thinks I should ride it out - we're not arguing, he's professing undying love still, talking of future plans etc - inside I'm thinking I don't want what he wants, but I don't want to ruin everyone's Christmas either. But then, am I a bitch that come January, I'm like "you know what, this isn't working". Isn't this a loose/loose situation? Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 I am asking this question out of curiosity. If you were married long term, and your husband of wife had decided that they no longer wanted to remain in the marriage, would you rather know right away or would you rather have them tell you when they felt the time was right -e.g.- after the holidays, when they had found a new place to live, when they felt they had someone to support them afterwards, or maybe they just felt the time was right to call it quits? So basically your asking should the person who wants to leave the marriage do it when it's most convenient for them? Obvious guy says "Doesn't the answer depend on which one you are?" Link to post Share on other sites
Author rumbleseat Posted December 4, 2013 Author Share Posted December 4, 2013 I'm not asking for myself (we've been married about 17 years and are happy together), but it seems like every year, I see this discussion either on here ori hear about it from friends,etc. For what it's worth, I have been in the role of the spouse who wanted to stay, and I know what it's like to walk on the eggshells and have a special day ruined by funding out a few weeks later the whole thing was a lie. Just speaking for myself, I would rather have been told upfront"I want to leave" than being let down easy with " I don't know what I want, but I'll stay and try to work on things" I was hoping this thread might be helpful to so done reading who is I that particular situation and wants all points of view Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 Bad news never gets better with age. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 There is never a good time to tell. There is always something on the horizon. Stalling doesn't help anyone. 'Limbo land' is miserable. Not worth it to any one. Just tell them asap. You can choose to tell the kids after the holidays if you want, but the sooner the better. Rip the bandaid off. Link to post Share on other sites
revitup Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 I've been umming and ahhhing for so long about leaving my marriage - won't bore you with the details, I've posted previously - and now that I feel I've made the decision internally (albeit with continual doubt etc), I am wondering what to do in terms of Christmas approaching. Part of me thinks I should ride it out - we're not arguing, he's professing undying love still, talking of future plans etc - inside I'm thinking I don't want what he wants, but I don't want to ruin everyone's Christmas either. But then, am I a bitch that come January, I'm like "you know what, this isn't working". Isn't this a loose/loose situation? Sooner or later it hurts to change anything in life.Personally I would rather know right now! No wasting of time and no playing house. No it doesn't make you a b...... if that's how you really feel and in your heart know it. I feel for you and your decision is tough. REVITUP Link to post Share on other sites
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