How to stop overthinking and live in the moment?

[mammasita]

I'm a TERRIBLE overthinker. I overthink everything. I have everything planned out in my head and when things don't happen the way that I have planned I end up terribly disappointed. This is especially bad when is comes to relationships.....moreso new relationships. Overthinking a new relationship can pretty much doom it from the get go.

 

How can I stop this? Does anyone else overthink like this? What do you do?

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Do you have any conditions or disorders that contribute? ADHD, Avoidant Personality disorder, OCD, etc? That's a good place to start.

 

I am an over-thinker and have experienced much of the disappointment you describe. For example, say someone calls you up and wants to hang out. They say they can come to your place so you get everything ready, there's beverages and snacks, music to listen to or movies to watch, you tidy everything up.... but their plans change and they never show. You put so much thought into and were so excited about the evening but it all comes crashing down in a pile of disappointment.

 

It just gets worse for romantic relationships.

[felicity1]

Do you have any conditions or disorders that contribute? ADHD, Avoidant Personality disorder, OCD, etc? That's a good place to start.

 

I am an over-thinker and have experienced much of the disappointment you describe. For example, say someone calls you up and wants to hang out. They say they can come to your place so you get everything ready, there's beverages and snacks, music to listen to or movies to watch, you tidy everything up.... but their plans change and they never show. You put so much thought into and were so excited about the evening but it all comes crashing down in a pile of disappointment.

 

It just gets worse for romantic relationships.

You've only done what any normal person would do. Your friends say they are coming over, so you prepare for them. You don't know they are going to change their plans. You're not a mind-reader.

[felicity1]

I'm a TERRIBLE overthinker. I overthink everything. I have everything planned out in my head and when things don't happen the way that I have planned I end up terribly disappointed. This is especially bad when is comes to relationships.....moreso new relationships. Overthinking a new relationship can pretty much doom it from the get go.

 

How can I stop this? Does anyone else overthink like this? What do you do?

Do you get upset at people who are unreliable, or do you set up in your mind how you want the relationship/event to turn out?

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

You've only done what any normal person would do. Your friends say they are coming over, so you prepare for them. You don't know they are going to change their plans. You're not a mind-reader.

 

But normal people don't obsess over it and become depressed for days. They don't feel like this happens to them over and over and need to post a thread about it because it is affecting their relationships.

[Under The Radar]

But normal people don't obsess over it and become depressed for days. They don't feel like this happens to them over and over and need to post a thread about it because it is affecting their relationships.

 

Hey AShogunNamedMarcus

 

I get like this sometimes myself. In your case, what condition would prompt that response? I would not think it to be your BPD, AVPD, or ADD. I'm genuinely curious and would like to know how you combat those obsessive feelings.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Hey AShogunNamedMarcus

 

I get like this sometimes myself. In your case, what condition would prompt that response? I would not think it to be your BPD, AVPD, or ADD. I'm genuinely curious and would like to know how you combat those obsessive feelings.

 

My guess it is the AvPD + ADD. The BPD would then spin that feeling.

 

AvPD = introverted and hypersensitive

ADD = daydreaming and excitable

BPD = fear of abandonment and inability to get over things

 

Low self-esteem, plus the initial excitement, plus some extra fears thrown in cause the hard crash.

 

I haven't been able to combat them. I just withdraw from social interaction so I can distract myself until they go away.

Edited December 3, 2013 by AShogunNamedMarcus

[felicity1]

But normal people don't obsess over it and become depressed for days. They don't feel like this happens to them over and over and need to post a thread about it because it is affecting their relationships.

I'm not trying to minimize your situation. I get like this too. I think it's rude for friends to constantly change their plans and leave me in the lurch all the time. My disappointment/depression lasts forever until I decide I'm going to erase certain people from my "friends list". They're just not worth the despair. They don't respect me or my time.

[smuggy95]

What I like to do is take a deep breath and meditate, just FEEL the moment, think that right now is where I am at, and if you physically and mentally just stay in the moment, it helps refocus you, centers in to your own self.

[Meadowgreen]

Like numerous people have told you OP, it's absolutely normal and acceptable that your feelings would be a bit dented due to cancelled plans with a friend.

 

I fear however that the slump you find yourself in is more down to a path of

negativity you wander down when something disappointing happens (I say this because I have been dealing with the same problem all my life):

 

Scenario:

 

"My friend cancelled on me. That's disappointing, I was really looking forward to hanging out."

 

Instead of telling yourself:

 

"It happens. People can be flaky. If they make a regular occurence out of it I'll tell them it's not cool. I do have other things I could be doing. Hey ho, on with my evening."

 

The negative thoughts start seeping in:

 

"What if they lied to get out of hanging out with me?"

"I can't stop thinking of the infinitely more fun things they could be doing rather than hang out with me."

"They must think I'm a loser to just cancel on me like that."

"If they do think I'm a loser...then I MUST be a loser."

 

With no one around to tell you you're being silly, the negative thoughts get worse:

 

"Why would anyone hang with me?"

"I bet they're laughing at me right now."

"I shouldn't even bother having friends, they only ever let me down."

"Why wouldn't they? I suck! I'm not funny enough, smart enough, cool enough etc etc etc"

 

The best way you can combat this kind of self-masochism is with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). As soon as a situation like this arises, sit down with a pen and paper and write down every negative thought that arises. For example:

 

"People don't want to be friends with me."

 

You combat this by giving your inner negative voice evidence that it's wrong!:

 

Evidence: That statement isn't true. Only last week I went out for coffee with _______. Last month I hung out with ___________ and we had a great time. I talk on the phone regularly with __________. All these people volunteer to be my friend and accept me for who I am!

 

Then, when that negative thought rears it's head again, you SHOOT IT DOWN WITH YOUR EVIDENCE!

 

What I've told you about CBT is very basic, but you get the idea. Look it up online and give it a try. It will feel really weird at first, but I promise you, if you make a habit of this and constantly remind yourself of the good, positive things you do on a daily basis, you'll begin to respect yourself and that damaging self-bullying will start to fade away.

 

All the best!

[jphcbpa]

expectations are premeditated resentments.

 

trust me I struggle with this greatly. I too am a planner and like to have things decided well in advance. Frankly, it is more about me and "perfectionism" than it is about the other person, place or thing.

 

There is a prayer that I like to pray...

 

"God I am powerless over x,y,z...x,y,z is yours, no mine. If x, y, x needs changing, you are going to have to do it. Just keep me loving and free of judgement."

[felicity1]

Just keep me loving and free of judgement."

But it's unhealthy to give in to certain "friends" who are constantly unreliable b/c of their own selfish reasons. It's really all about self-worth.

[SoonMyFriend]

I am also an overthinker. I overthink EVERYTHING.

 

Here's an example - for two weeks I have had a painful bump behind my ear. I have health anxiety (aka hypochondria) and so I started to think about what this bump could possibly be.

 

-Is it a pimple?

-Is it a swollen gland? (the usual cause, since I get sinus problems)

-Is it an ingrown hair that's gone awry?

-Is it CANCER?

 

So of course I do what I have been desperately trying to AVOID doing, and that's googled what a bump behind the ear could be, and of course CANCER comes up. And I freak out. And I worry. And then I start tallying up how my body feels (do I have a headahce? Is it an infection that has spread to my brain? If I have cancer how advanced is it???)

 

This morning I get to work, feel behind my ear for the bump and notice I have a bit of blood on my finger. It was a pimple, and burst this morning.

 

And I do this with everything in life.

 

So what do I do to stop this? I am working on it. Anxiety isn't easy to cure, but you can treat it.

 

-Go to therapy. Find out why you're an overthinker, what your triggers are, and they can help you deal with those bigger issues that often lie behind the little things we worry about

-Read books about anxiety. They help.

-Start a journal about your worries, and then go back and write down the outcome of those worries. It helps to see you often worry about NOTHING.

-Start a journal about things that made you happy each day. They help you focus on good things before you go to sleep, rather than stressful things.

-Yoga. The deep breathing REALLY helps calm your nervous system down

-When you're doing an activity really focus your mind on it. For example when cutting onions think: I AM CUTTING ONIONS. I stops the cycle of bad thoughts.

 

Just keep working on it, and teaching yourself to think differently.

[Mario79]

Soonmyfriend is right.

 

Over thinking is only bad when it becomes obsessive. It only happens when there things that you give a lot of importance to and also things that you can attach a high risk too.

 

Realize also that living in the moment is not always the best policy to live by, if you have responsibilities and commitments, you cant just live in the moment and hope it works itself out.

 

Nothing in excess is ever good.

 

They way you describe it though, sounds more a problem with expectations from what you want in your partner or relationship, when all you can control is yourself. So maybe its ok to plan if you set only expectations that well will not leave you dissapointed.