when NC isn't an option

[bconnor]

God - if only I had listened to the alarm bells ringing in my head when my co-worker and I started our affair. It's been 2.5 weeks since we began no contact and she works in the next cubicle .. 3-6 feet away. We both have window seats so I can see her reflection. Here are some of the things I have done over the last 2.5 weeks: Got one of those whiteboards on wheels and stuck it close to me so it's not easy to look over at her, brought a picture of my 3 year old son and put it on my desk, I'll put more of anything that reminds me of my son in due course, I got rid of anything around my cubicle that reminds me of her (she had given me a plant). I have also consciously stopped looking at her - when we pass each other in the hall, even at meetings. I do IM her at work because we are part of the same team and there are work items to be discussed. But, no chit chats about anything else personal, no contact outside work, no nothing. Any other suggestions would be greatly appreciated apart from finding a different job as it's not easy to do that right now. What helps though is in her ending email when she said "Please help me by staying away". Those few words are enough for me to think of my own pride, self respect and dignity and not reach back to her. I have to say, the heart still wants her - I'm hoping time will heal all wounds and let me move on - it was a 1.5 year affair...

[painfullyobvious]

You may be forced to choose between your marriage and your current job. If the cycle keeps repeating itself you break the cycle or it will break you. Not sure how a betrayed spouse could handle situations like this. I know times are tough and jobs are a luxury but what is a marriage worth? How does a BS function know their WS sees there AP several times a week? You guys are better people than I am I give you that.

 

Get another job!

[Wambo]

I like to think my situation is now over and I will be hovering over these boards for a few more weeks. There is still a possibility she will break NC but fingers cross she had given up. However I still need to find employement else where so I can fully move on.

 

The difference between Full NC and either LC or ON/OFF NC is huge. The ability to think straight and having a clear head instead of constantly fighting with one self and the cheater is unbelievable. There no other way around it, if you are in contact with the AP then you are still lock in the situation and still partly engulf in the affair. It's either in or out and there no middle. You may want affair to be over but for the affair to be truly over both parties can not contact with each other. There are some exceptions to this rule but the people who comes to these boards aren't the exception.

[Artie Lang]

i see that you haven't disclosed the full extent of this affair to your husband. why is that?

 

 

you seriously need to remove yourself from this situation, not only for your marriage, but for your sanity as well.

[psm04]

I'm sorry that this post went into some hostile conversations. That wasn't my intention. Anne, I value your input. I do believe that it is possible for a person to work with an ex or xAP and not have it affect their current relationship. You seem to have incredible self control, and I'm envious of that and impressed with it. You also seem to have a very understanding and amazing H, just like I do.

 

It is easy to say anything, but hard to practice. I have my reasons for not disclosing every painful detail to my H, and for not leaving my job. I've told my H that I had an A, and asked him for forgiveness and told him that he could leave me if he wants to. As far as leaving my job, it's not really possible at this point. It might be in the future, or if things just don't work out. Right now, I've only been a couple of days into NC, again. I'm taking it one day at a time. bconnor, i feel your pain. At least my xAP and I don't sit next to each other. He sits in a different office. I've already been staying away as much as I can from him. I initiate no conversations. And with the holidays coming up, both of us will be off work for a few days, so that will help.

[Owl]

I'm personally of the opinion that the only way a marriage can survive in this kind of situation is with boundaries...crystal clear cut, diamond hard boundaries.

 

Decide where the limits are going to be in your interactions. If you say "nothing but work related discussion"...that's great. That's pretty clear cut. Then ENFORCE that boundary ruthlessly. If he says "hey, how are you", either tell him that this isn't work related and remind him of the boundary (calmly, but coldly), or just do not respond at all.

 

But do NOT set weak boundaries. Nor poorly defined ones.

 

I believe that Anne's situation is a good example of the exception to the rule. It CAN happen...it has happened in her case. But it typically DOESN'T work out as well as her situation has...in my opinion. Most of the time it ends up with one or the other person finally insisting on complete and total NC in order to let them move on and heal.

 

No insult intended, Anne. You know this.

 

OP, one last thought. Tell your H the complete and total truth, so that he knows fully what he's being asked to forgive.

[anne1707]

I believe that Anne's situation is a good example of the exception to the rule. It CAN happen...it has happened in her case. But it typically DOESN'T work out as well as her situation has...in my opinion. Most of the time it ends up with one or the other person finally insisting on complete and total NC in order to let them move on and heal.

 

No insult intended, Anne. You know this.

 

No insult taken Owl

 

I know my situation is unusual and I know it would have been better/easier/preferable all round if there had been no contact at all.

[JustJoe]

I'm sorry that this post went into some hostile conversations. That wasn't my intention. Anne, I value your input. I do believe that it is possible for a person to work with an ex or xAP and not have it affect their current relationship. You seem to have incredible self control, and I'm envious of that and impressed with it. You also seem to have a very understanding and amazing H, just like I do.

 

It is easy to say anything, but hard to practice. I have my reasons for not disclosing every painful detail to my H, and for not leaving my job. I've told my H that I had an A, and asked him for forgiveness and told him that he could leave me if he wants to. As far as leaving my job, it's not really possible at this point. It might be in the future, or if things just don't work out. Right now, I've only been a couple of days into NC, again. I'm taking it one day at a time. bconnor, i feel your pain. At least my xAP and I don't sit next to each other. He sits in a different office. I've already been staying away as much as I can from him. I initiate no conversations. And with the holidays coming up, both of us will be off work for a few days, so that will help.

I'm sure you have your reasons for not telling your husband the truth, and also for remaining in contact with your OM. Are those reasons worth jeopardizing your marriage? These are your decisions to make and I hope that you decide wisely. Again, good luck.

[anne1707]

I'm sorry that this post went into some hostile

conversations. That wasn't my intention. Anne, I value your input.

 

Thank you psm

 

I do believe that it is possible for a person to work with an ex or xAP and not have it affect their current relationship. You seem to have incredible self control, and I'm envious of that and impressed with it. You also seem to have a very understanding and amazing H, just like I do.

 

Yes it is possible to work together but it is far, far harder than when there is absolutely no contact. My continued working at the same place was something that was agreed with my H and on the basis that he was satisfied that progress was being made at a reasonable pace. If not then I would have had to leave my job regardless of how bad the financial hit would have been on us or how bad it would have been for my career. It did make the first few months especially difficult - the exOM played games with me and I was in a mess - it was only when I started being harder on myself about the NC that real progress started to be made in my marriage.

 

My husband is an amazing man (). He is very strong and has a quiet dignity about him. How he found the ability to cope with the situation is just incredible and I have tremendous respect - and gratitude - for that.

 

It is easy to say anything, but hard to practice. I have my reasons for not disclosing every painful detail to my H, and for not leaving my job. I've told my H that I had an A, and asked him for forgiveness and told him that he could leave me if he wants to.

 

But you also need to remember that my husband knew about my affair and my worry for you is that if your husband was to find out everything, he would see this continued contact through work (even if just work) as a betrayal too.

 

As far as leaving my job, it's not really possible at this point. It might be in the future, or if things just don't work out. Right now, I've only been a couple of days into NC, again. I'm taking it one day at a time.

 

I understand that totally. I know others may not. But you do need to be prepared for this being more difficult, much more difficult. But one day at a time is a good enough approach for now. In time it will get easier. I don't actually think of "how" I have to behave with the exOM at work now. It is now just what I do and he also does the same thing. We just don't have any personal chat whatsoever. We get on fine for work related stuff, there is no "atmosphere" and if I am talking about my day at work to my H, the exOM has a nickname (as given to him by my H in the immediate aftermath of dday so rather derogatory) which I can use without having to use his real name (as my H never wants to hear that understandably).

 

bconnor, i feel your pain. At least my xAP and I don't sit next to each other. He sits in a different office. I've already been staying away as much as I can from him. I initiate no conversations. And with the holidays coming up, both of us will be off work for a few days, so that will help.

 

When you do need to contact him re work, take a step back on how you actually do that. Don't go and see him, just phone him and even better just email him. Email is wonderful - you can just do work, you can keep it to the point and you can give yourself a moment to stop a reaction if he tries to engage you in personal things in his emails to you.

 

Use those holidays for some quiet time and a time to gather strength for when you do go back to work.

[psm04]

It did make the first few months especially difficult - the exOM played games with me and I was in a mess - it was only when I started being harder on myself about the NC that real progress started to be made in my marriage.

 

Yeah, I have had to deal with games as well. I'm sure I still will. Until I prove to him that I'm actually serious about NOT getting back into the A OR being his work confidant/supplementing his life since he can't deal with his personal issues or his M in a more productive manner (counseling, discussing with W, etc)., he will continue to play them, intentionally or not. I know that I'm 100% accountable and responsible and in control of what happens from here on. He won't help with it. I just have to remember to not react, regardless of what he does/says to upset me.

 

For those who asked about me quitting my job, I actually did think of it, and discussed it with my H. He was the one who told me to not do it. He said that I shouldn't let a person affect my life to the point where I have to leave an otherwise good work environment. My H is selfless and understanding to a level that I don't understand. I know I wouldn't be that way. If he sternly asked me to quit my job, I would have. I'm already working from home as much as I can so that I'm not around xAP. I'm doing what I can.

[ClemsonTigers]

 

…...my H knows that I had an inappropriate relationship with him, but he doesn't know that anything physical happened (we never had sex, but there was enough physical interaction for it to be wrong anyway). I've been telling my H that I'm trying to break out of this. My H has been incredibly nice about it.

 

Men often don't sweat emotional "inappropriateness". Your husband thinks you just got a little too close, recognized it as the loyal wife he believes you to be and are trying to back away from it. He has no idea you already had a physical affair with him NOR that your still having longings and feelings of love for OM. If you tell your husband the truth maybe he'll wise up and make you do what's best for your marriage AND your sanity. Give your husband a chance to fight for you. You already said he's being understanding, which means that is likely to continue. Get the secret out there and deal with him honestly and then, any recovery you do experience can be an honest recovery.

 

Who knows…he might be foolish and let you continue working there but he at least needs to be given the choice with all the facts.