websites- looking for a relationship

[skinut2234]

I have decided that right now my only option is to have an affair. I am a 45 YO married man (20 years)- with 3 kids. I am very involved with my children and have just surrendered to the fact that not much is going to change. I have not been with anyone in years and would like some companionship. Has anyone tried sites like AshleyMadison.com?? I would like to hear some feedback as to what type of people are on there- I did take a sample look but it looked a little scary to me..... I'm very hesistant to go that route but I do not know where else to go to look.... any feedback is appreciated

[OpheliaSong]

Why can't you just divorce your wife and get joint custody of your kids and date?

[skinut2234]

I could- I am just fearful..... I can't help it- I am so worried about the effects on the kids.... they are all teenagers and I always hear horror stories of their friends parents who got divorced... I know it may not be the right way to go but I am just worried about them (yes I realize them seeing an unhappy marriage is not right either........)

[OpheliaSong]

I could- I am just fearful..... I can't help it- I am so worried about the effects on the kids.... they are all teenagers and I always hear horror stories of their friends parents who got divorced... I know it may not be the right way to go but I am just worried about them (yes I realize them seeing an unhappy marriage is not right either........)

 

Being rather young myself, I would rather my parents be happy and divorced than angry and in affairs.

[Realist3]

Never visited the site, but from what I have read it is simply a way to separate you from your money. The whole thing just seems really sleazy.

[skinut2234]

I don't disagree...... not ruling it out.....

[OpheliaSong]

Honestly I think divorce is a nicer way of dealing with dissatisfaction in a marriage rather than visiting sleazy websites with women who pose as interested but are just prostitutes giving you the girlfriend experience. I would think that would hurt your self-esteem to be only chosen because you pay form a new bracelet for someone in exchange for sex. that is how I have heard ashleymadison.com works...women act like girlfriends for cars, jewelry and monetary gifts. my mom had a co-worker who fell victim to a woman from one of these sites. She tried to blackmail him.

[Smarter_Now]

I could give you the name and contact info of my former MM - I found he had two profiles on that site after the fact!

 

But seriously, as the other posters have mentioned, that site is very sleazy and full of prostitutes and nut-jobs who threaten MM with blackmail!

[d0nnivain]

You have choices:

 

 

 

1. stay in your marriage & be miserable
   
2. try to fix your marriage
   
3. get a divorce
   
4. pick the most destructive route possible & have an affair
   

 

 

If you love your kids, pick one of the 1st 3.

[whichwayisup]

I could- I am just fearful..... I can't help it- I am so worried about the effects on the kids.... they are all teenagers and I always hear horror stories of their friends parents who got divorced... I know it may not be the right way to go but I am just worried about them (yes I realize them seeing an unhappy marriage is not right either........)

 

Then cheating is not going to help, even more so when you get caught and your wife divorces you. If you D without cheating being the reason and there's communication and honesty with your kids, then they won't be messed up. Even do family counseling to help the adjustments.

 

Your kids are not stupid, if you and your wife do your own thing in the house and barely spend time together, it won't shock them if you two do D. Right now they see mom and dad not loving each other at all, spending time together (I assume) and what they base their future relationships and dynamics on is what they learn at home. I'm sure they also know that what you and their mom have is not a normal functioning, loving and kind relationship.

 

Either talk to your wife about an open marriage or divorce. don't cheat.

[bentleychic]

I promise you that leaving and having a civil divorce will be better for your children than having an affair(s). Once it comes out (and it almost always does), it will tear your family apart and cause hurt worse than a civil divorce possibly could.

 

Best wishes in your decision.

[veryhappy]

What are the horror stories about divorce? What are your fears exactly?

 

2/3 of As get discovered, and you'd better think of how your kids would react to that. Kids don't think as adults or have the life experience to see that your lack of sex, closeness and intimacy is a big deal.

 

If you insist on having an A, go local - find her at work, activities etc. Find a married woman who seems interested. Plenty of unhappyy married women.

Edited December 3, 2013 by cutedragon

[CarrieT]

I have decided that right now my only option is to have an affair.

That is NOT your only option.

 

I am very involved with my children and have just surrendered to the fact that not much is going to change.

YOU have to be the one to be brave enough to change. If you have an affair, at some point your children will find out. Is this the lesson in life you want to teach them? To lie and deceive someone you made promises to?

 

I would like to hear some feedback as to what type of people are on there- I did take a sample look but it looked a little scary to me..... I'm very hesistant to go that route but I do not know where else to go to look.... any feedback is appreciated

Many, many of us have had affairs when our relationships didn't work and 99.99999% of the time it backfires. You won't read many reports of those having affairs where it works out happy for anyone/everyone involved.

[peaksandvalleys]

I could- I am just fearful..... I can't help it- I am so worried about the effects on the kids.... they are all teenagers and I always hear horror stories of their friends parents who got divorced... I know it may not be the right way to go but I am just worried about them (yes I realize them seeing an unhappy marriage is not right either........)

 

 

Then do what my WS did. Have an affair and get busted. Have your children find out and hate you anyway. He got away with it for years then the tide turned. Now he has lost everything including his children. Wanting to earn your child's respect should be the most important thing to a parent where their relationship with them is concerned. But it seems that trying to figure out how to live a double life and creating a false image of who you are is most important in theses situations. Our family is one of many examples on this board of children finding out about a cheating parent. It doesn't end pretty for the parent even especially if the children have their image of a parent shattered.

[violet1]

I actually met my exMM from Craig's list. I was surprised! I'm the 2nd person he's ever had sex with. He's successful and not a sex addict or creep. No, there's not just prostitutes and weirdos online. I also visited Ashley Madison, but only chatted with a few, never met anyone. Again, none of them were creeps. I also happen to live in a very conservative area so I'm sure that has something to do with it.

 

Sure affairs sound fun and excited, but in reality they're not. It's a complete roller coaster ride with more downs than ups. Affairs change you and not for the better. I was just like you, afraid of divorce and thought that an affair was the way to go. It's not and I was wrong! I strongly suggest marriage counseling. If it doesn't help than look into divorce. Trust me, don't go down that road. IT IS NOT WORTH the sex and fun on the side.

[KathyM]

Marriage counseling would be your wisest choice. You will keep your integrity intact, and have a good chance of improving your marriage and making it more satisfying to you. You will not only keep, but increase your rapport with and respect from your children, and your whole family's lives will be improved. With counseling, your marriage will likely improve, as well as your sex life. If you choose to have an affair, you will likely lose everything--your marriage, the love/respect of your children, your money (both from the site and from the resulting divorce), your self respect, your reputation. It's not worth it. Don't screw up your life, please. A marriage counselor will help you get your sex life with your wife back on track. Start looking for marriage counselors in your area.

[scatterd]

If you are so unhappy in your marriage you should let your wife know. Chances are that your wife is also unhappy. Cheating is selfish and your wife deserves to know how you feel so she and your children can prepare. I would rather know what my husband wants so I could move on and find someone who is more compatible for myself then catch my Husband cheating. Cheating does not fix anything it makes things more complicated. I am glad you came here before making your move their is other options if you read here you will find many broken

hearts which might change your mind.

[Oldspiceywolf]

There are so many options other than having an affair but I wouldn't judge you if you did but as far as your kids are concerned an affair is way worse.

 

If you are honest with your wife and kids and tell them you are drowning in your life at least they won't be caught off guard. The easiest way to eliminate stres from your life is to no practice in deceit, the deceit will make you feel worse and won't alleviate your loneliness.

 

You sound like you want a partner to share the second half of your life with, cheap sex thrills don't seem to be your angle but if it is I would recommend asian massage parlors. My therapist told me (72 now) left his wife with his 18 month old because it wasn't gonna work, he doesn't regret it and he and his son have a great relationship and his son is successful. As long as you give them your all and stay involved they won't fault you for needing happiness.

 

Research shows a women's ability to enjoy sex and have loving caring relationships most often is related to her parents relationship, if you have daughters you don't want them to question your love for them because she will now thinks you are a liar. Since you are her dad she will expect to be with a liar because all men are that way when they are not. Your sons will either think it's ok to cheat or they will hate you for cheating on their mom.

 

Lastly read the OM/OW forums, these people are in pain even though they could have said no and they all thought it would be different when it started.

 

Your lucky, you haven't started yet. If you like to cause pain, if you want to be alone without family and partnership, and if you want people to think you are a sleepy liar then having an affair is a pretty good recipe to have that life.

 

Not judging you, just think about the fall out and be familiar with what's likely to happen, what you have romanticized in your head is not typical reality.

[carhill]

OP, reading your most recent thread on your issue, and acknowledging that you've been a LS member for nearly ten years and have likely read the gamut of potentials, my read is that you've looked at your options and this one is a serious potential right now.

 

I noted that AdultFriendFinder evidently has developed a television advertising budget and campaign, indicating that its business model is finding interest amongst the general population. Given your particular desire, it might be too sexually focused but may be worth a look. When you say you are looking for companionship, could you elaborate further on that? As example, if one is to presume sexual companionship, what else? Someone to travel with? Share mutual interests with? Comfort you on a bad day? What? I ask because each persons needs and wants are different. Would you prefer your companion to be married/LTR or single?

 

I think exploring all these factors and clarifying them will help you, both in selecting the right partner, if that is your choice, as well as finding the most appropriate web site to assist. One tip I learned along the way is to select from a demographic where there are more men than women, as women may be more predisposed to entertaining multiple partners due to supply/demand and the resultant psychology and socialization.

 

If you do choose the affair path, buckle in and get your boxes organized. Compartmentalization is key to success in this arena. If you still have contact with your IC, it might be worth a few sessions to clarify the choices and risks. Good luck.

[skinut2234]

thanks all- good advice........ stuff I need to read.

it makes sense... guess I let the emotion of being with someone get the best of me and sometimes it's the easy way out...

[Mcle]

Yeah you are not doing your kids any favors by cheating on their mom. When your wife find out, how do you think it will affect her? Your kids are teenagers, old enough to understand this type of betrayal. Most likely they will hate you for hurting their mom. Also, it will forever change their view of you. If you have been a hero in their eyes, that will die forever.

 

I know someone whose mom had an affair over 25 years ago. He still thinks less of her and has a strained relationship withher not to mention some residual PTSD symptoms from the traumatic DD.

 

If you decide to cheat don't "do it for the kids"! That is just an excuse as you are afraid to do the right thing because it's harder. Divorce will only be harder at first. Cheating could make everyone's life worse permanently.

[KathyM]

When you say you are looking for companionship, could you elaborate further on that? As example, if one is to presume sexual companionship, what else? Someone to travel with? Share mutual interests with? Comfort you on a bad day?

Those are needs that he should be having met by his wife. Not some prostitute or cheater on a cheater's website. He needs to be working on his relationship with his wife, preferably through counseling. Please do not torpedo your marriage, or cause this horrible hurt to your wife and children. Don't compromise your own integrity for the sake of some cheap thrills. It's not worth it. Isn't your wife, your family, your reputation, your integrity, and your self respect worth more than getting some cheap thrills from sleezy people on a cheater's website?

[ClemsonTigers]

I have decided that right now my only option is to have an affair. I am a 45 YO married man (20 years)- with 3 kids. I am very involved with my children and have just surrendered to the fact that not much is going to change. I have not been with anyone in years and would like some companionship. Has anyone tried sites like AshleyMadison.com?? I would like to hear some feedback as to what type of people are on there- I did take a sample look but it looked a little scary to me..... I'm very hesistant to go that route but I do not know where else to go to look.... any feedback is appreciated

 

 

There's no way to know for sure but estimates place the number somewhere around 90% of the women that actually partake in ashley madison type anonymous hookups are either mentally ill or intellectually challenged. Many are "servicing" several men PER DAY. Are you the kind of man that victimizes incompetent women???

 

Not to mention, IT'S VILE and DANGEROUS.

 

Besides STD's, people are getting robbed & beaten. It's not like you'll call the authorities.

 

There are also vigilante groups attacking the website setting up fake accounts, arranging fake meetings, documenting it and exposing the perpetrators once they reveal themselves.

 

Please try everything to save your marriage FIRST and if that fails, divorce before proceeding to your next REAL relationship. An affair will only make you (and your entire family) more miserable.

[carhill]

Since the OP has had both couple's and individual counseling and has been addressing this issue on LS for a number of years, I'm sure he's aware of what he 'should' do. The process is for him to reach a decision which works for him, even if it is contrary to what we may 'think' he 'should' do.

 

Having worked with a skilled psychologist, I found his neutral approach, lack of use of inflammatory adjectives and accusatory tones worked wonders over time to reaching a healthy decision. The OP is apparently still open to engagement or else he would have simply tried a few web sites, gained an affair partner and moved on without comment; instead, he opened a dialogue. My vote is to continue that dialogue and see where it goes.

[KathyM]

Since the OP has had both couple's and individual counseling and has been addressing this issue on LS for a number of years, I'm sure he's aware of what he 'should' do. The process is for him to reach a decision which works for him, even if it is contrary to what we may 'think' he 'should' do.

 

Having worked with a skilled psychologist, I found his neutral approach, lack of use of inflammatory adjectives and accusatory tones worked wonders over time to reaching a healthy decision. The OP is apparently still open to engagement or else he would have simply tried a few web sites, gained an affair partner and moved on without comment; instead, he opened a dialogue. My vote is to continue that dialogue and see where it goes.

If he has given counseling a fair try, and has been making an honest effort to work this out with his wife to no avail, then the next step is to either leave the marriage or suggest an open marriage. Going behind his wife's back and cheating on her is never the right answer. Living a deceptive, dishonest life is never the right answer.