EmAngel Posted December 31, 2004 Share Posted December 31, 2004 Hi all, So here's the situation. I've been with my bf for over a year and we started out at the same university. Now we're long distance and we only get to see eachother every few weeks. Lately I've noticed that he doesn't call, I have to call him. If we're on aim, I always have to keep the conversation going. I feel like I've been chasing him around for the past 6 or so weeks. The passion is just gone from our relationship although I'm still very much in love with him and he did give me a three stone necklace for christmas. That's what confuses me. I'm not really sure how to take that because I did give a few hints before christmas but I don't feel like he would have given such an expensive and meaningful gift if he didn't mean it. I've asked him about it and he says its nothing but I don't believe him. I'm flying in and out of the airport near him before I go back to school so I feel like he's hiding something until I leave. I'm not really sure what to make of all this except that he never seems to want to talk with me. Not only is he distant emotionally but also physically. Up until this summer we were really passionate physically speaking. But that's been dying off too. I gained about 15 lbs after my brother passed which was shortly before I met him althought the pounds came on as our relationship progressed and I began an actual grieving process. Could this be the overall problem... that he's not attracted to my body anymore... that my extra pudge (I was an average weight to begin with) just turns him off? He's really big on fitness and I feel like that might be it. But if that's the problem, what does that say about our relationship? I've been trying to get things back on track but its been 2 steps forward, 1 back. How do I get the passion back without starting another fight? Link to post Share on other sites
missopinionated Posted December 31, 2004 Share Posted December 31, 2004 Maybe just ask him a simple question like "Do you still want to be doing this?" Ok. Not such a simple question 'cause the answer might be something you don't like, but hey, what's worse; wondering whether he's still in it or know he is/isn't and being able to move forward? Sadly, it is far easier for people to just go along than to know what the realities of their relationships are because, as much as just going along sucks, it is more scary and often very disappointing to know the truth. Did you say you're at school in different places? I always thought college was a dating smorgasboard.... Link to post Share on other sites
EmAngel Posted January 1, 2005 Share Posted January 1, 2005 Its definitely true that avoiding the truth is always easier. I guess the hardest thing is that most 20 something guys aren't looking for a girl with my problems. Before they can see what's really going on they only see the surface problems. This guy was the first to stand by me and honestly I don't think I could have been that good of a person. I guess my biggest problem is that I'm terrified of never finding that one perfect guy. And that begs the question if this is the right man for me to even be with now if I have these doubts. But the biggest problem is getting him to say what's really going on when he doesn't want to talk about it. We've gotten in fights before about my weight and I'm afraid that he might not be telling more because he just isn't attracted to me anymore, or at least as much as he was in the beginning. Since he confront the issue with me the only thing I can think to do is try to lose weight and see what happens even though that goes against everything I believe. I don't know what to say to get him to open up... I'm not at all convinced there's not something else going on. -Em Link to post Share on other sites
missopinionated Posted January 1, 2005 Share Posted January 1, 2005 Originally posted by EmAngel Its definitely true that avoiding the truth is always easier. I guess the hardest thing is that most 20 something guys aren't looking for a girl with my problems....I guess my biggest problem is that I'm terrified of never finding that one perfect guy. But the biggest problem is getting him to say what's really going on when he doesn't want to talk about it. We've gotten in fights before about my weight ... the only thing I can think to do is try to lose weight and see what happens ... -Em There is NO such thing as the perfect guy -- or woman -- so give up looking for that. A great relationship is made by two imperfect people finding a great fit. As for getting him to talk, you can't make him and if you do finally bug him enough to make him talk, he won't tell you the truth and he'll resent you for bugging him. It sounds like your formost problem is how you feel about you. If your weight bugs you, then do something about it for yourself, not to attract someone else. There are loads of good reasons to lose weight and be healthy, but attracting a man who obviously doesn't see YOU (I mean your heart, soul and personality) isn't one of them. You're fortunate to be at school. Take advantage of the environment and the opportunities -- clubs and events there -- and maybe let this guy go. I have two gorgeous friends who are both much over the average weight for their ages/heights. Both are married to great men who appreciate their wives for who they are, not what they look like. The key is that both these women are whole, interesting, vibrant, alive, educated, fun people who don't NEED to be with someone but who have committed to a partnership. The men, so you know, are far from physically perfect, but they love their wives and their children. I'd say that's a great deal. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 The necklace doesn't mean a thing. Men will often give gifts to cover up stuff, or for genuine reasons - you have no way of telling anything at all purely from the act of him giving you a gift. He could still love you or he could be boning twin cheerleaders every night. Withdrawing to some degree is natural - he will have a new life out there and thus less attention/time for you, even if his feelings are unchanged. That's just how men are on long-distance relationships, the women usually have to make the running a bit more. But beyond a certain point, a lack of interest is a sign that he has less feelings for you. From your post, I would be somewhat concerned, albeit not paranoid. The weight may be an issue, but IMO is unlikely. As a man, in my experience about 90% of men really don't give a damn about 15 lbs if you were ok to begin with. They all *say* they do, but in reality they don't. I think the real issue here is your own behaviour. Instead of wondering about things, why don't you do something about it? Tell him your fears, and say that he has a choice - either answer your questions honestly, and then if there's a problem you won't be angry and are happy to work it out together; or if he answers and you later find out he was lying, you will immediately leave him and never speak to him again. He might still lie to you, if there is something going on, but if he does then you will eventually find out and then you will know you should immediately break it off. One thing is for sure - if he genuinely was passionate for you, he would not be displaying these signs. Something is up, it's simply a question of whether it is indifference, being busy, and far away - or something more serious. Link to post Share on other sites
7on Posted January 6, 2005 Share Posted January 6, 2005 Originally posted by mental_traveller The weight may be an issue, but IMO is unlikely. As a man, in my experience about 90% of men really don't give a damn about 15 lbs if you were ok to begin with. They all *say* they do, but in reality they don't. Hell, most guys I know like a little "bounce to the ounce" as it were. Never actually hear my guy friends say "well I like really thin girls." Softer girls are just more fun to cuddle and fool around with Link to post Share on other sites
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