generalizations about OW/OM

[wanting more]

sometime the generalizations on here are enough to run you off.

 

the words every, all, always and never should not be used to describe OW/OM, WS, As are very similar, but not exactly the same.

 

i got pregant during my A, i took 10 tests to make sure. when i realized, i was less than a month pregnant and xMM knew right away, (he knew my schedule and we had a trip that had fallen during that time and it just became obvious)

 

our A had been going on for over 2yrs by then, no d-day, still promises of being together eventually and not once had i ever thought "i'll get pregnant to make him mine" i'm sure there are some women who do that, not all, definately not me. I was on the pill, he didnt' wear condoms. i didn't ask him to, nor did i ever tell him not to. of course there was always a chance it would've/couldve happened. but it wasn't MY own doing, to get pregnant.

 

he never out right told me what he thought i should do, but it was hinted at about abortion. i made an appt at the clinic, went thru all the tests, xMM waited outside in the car (at my request), made the next appt to actually go thru with the abortion for a week later, i canceled and rescheduled for the following week, i canceled and rescheduled again.

i didn't have to cancel, the day before i was scheuled to have the abortion, i miscarried. alone. hurt and confused. I had to get up, get kids ready and off to school, drive myself to work, pretend to get sick and then go to the dr. (only xMM and one other person knew i was pregnant)

 

this wasn't something i did on purpose to try and hold on to him. it was the toughest thing i had gone thru, abortion, raising the baby, my family finding out, not knowing what xMM would've really done had i had the baby.

 

2 things really get under my skin with all the "analogies" of OW/OM

 

1. they always affair down, this is just stupid to say. do some, i'm sure, but does it really make a person feel better to say "oh, my husband definately affaired down, i'm great and she was just a trashy whore that he picked up in a bar", what does that really say about your husband if it was that easy for him to look for a piece of as*

 

2. if an OW gets pregnant, "she did it on purpose to try and hold on to him", really, he knows what it takes to make a baby, so if he was that worried about it, he should've wrapped his steve with a sleeve.

 

now my rant is over!!!!

[lilmisscantbewrong]

yeah - I hear you. It is amazing how that happens. Affairs are never "smooth" - they are messy and that is, unfortunately, one of the risks that comes with affairs. Unprotected sex and possible STD's and possible pregnancies.

 

But it always seems as if there are those ready to throw stones at the OW - it's never the MOM's fault and he shouldn't know or take responsibility - according to some.

 

Ridiculous - and I am on a rant this week - bad, bad week.

[Owl]

Two thoughts.

 

First...I've never believed either of those 2 analogies are a constant at all. In fact, those are two that I personally feel are a relative minority.

 

With that said...many of the "generalizations" are nearly universal. Not EVERY situation ends the same...but the vast majority do. The same methods to conduct the affair, start in the same fashion, etc...

 

They nearly always do follow a script.

 

And even this post...the denial of that script...is part of the script.

 

I've said it many times...the battle cry of OW when the first come to this site is nearly always "BUT MY SITUATION IS DIFFERENT!!!!!"....and then they find to their dismay that it isn't.

 

And I'd like to add...I don't consider myself a stone thrower. If I come across that way, I apologize. But I do try to have empathy for those that are hurting, and try to get them to take action to help themselves.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

You are right, Owl. The script is pretty much the same and I don't think my affair was different, for certain. But I can tell you that xmom got off with WAY less in the way of "payment" than I did for our "crimes".

 

It is a man's world and frankly the woman almost always takes the biggest hit. My husband is a prime example of that. He had an affair too and guess who lost the job? His MOW. In fact, I am quite sympathetic to her in many ways. She lost way more than he did.

 

So, I experienced it from both sides - as an OW and as a BS - and I observed the exact same thing from both men. They came out smelling WAY better. And, unfortunately, my respect for both of them is diminished because of that.

 

ps - and I love your quote because I love Yoda - best philosopher around.

[Sarabi]

I'm not sure if I've said I before but I am so sorry for all you went through with this pregnancy, potential abortion and eventual miscarriage I just can't imagine how painful that would be to have to deal with in the way you dealt with it

Hope things are getting better for you now

[MuddyFootprints]

I am not a slut

Nor am I a whore

Simply, just a simpleton

whom believes she is adored.

 

His path, though not a highway,

A trail traveled, much deplored

I'm an ego trip

That he can't afford.

[wanting more]

Two thoughts.

 

First...I've never believed either of those 2 analogies are a constant at all. In fact, those are two that I personally feel are a relative minority.

 

With that said...many of the "generalizations" are nearly universal. Not EVERY situation ends the same...but the vast majority do. The same methods to conduct the affair, start in the same fashion, etc...

 

They nearly always do follow a script.

 

And even this post...the denial of that script...is part of the script.

 

I've said it many times...the battle cry of OW when the first come to this site is nearly always "BUT MY SITUATION IS DIFFERENT!!!!!"....and then they find to their dismay that it isn't.

 

And I'd like to add...I don't consider myself a stone thrower. If I come across that way, I apologize. But I do try to have empathy for those that are hurting, and try to get them to take action to help themselves.

 

i certainly do not consider you a stone thrower, you're one of the posters i try to make sure and read all comments you post

 

i've seen the "but my situation is different" when new posters come on, hell, i was one of them. it takes time and lots and lots of reading from people who've been in your situation to come the the realization, "i'm not that different from others on here". but to just assume every OW is the same and what one does means all do is not right

 

the thing that sparked my ranting was on the infidelity board where the MOM just found out his OW is pregant, and within the first few responses there it is "she probably did this on purpose to trap you", it just brings me back to when i was pregnant, the overwhelming lonliness being in that situation. it was not intentional on my part. and i just think had i come on the board when i was going thru that, and saw comments like that, i would've not come back,

 

the whole affairing down thing i try to stay away from, just brought it up in this thread

[wanting more]

I'm not sure if I've said I before but I am so sorry for all you went through with this pregnancy, potential abortion and eventual miscarriage I just can't imagine how painful that would be to have to deal with in the way you dealt with it

Hope things are getting better for you now

 

Thank you Sarabi,

when i talk/type about it, it feels like yesterday.

 

there are dates i'll never forget, when i got pregnant and when i miscarried and i do get sad on those days because of what was lost

 

but overall i think i'm doing pretty good.

[carhill]

People generalize in this arena because it can make for a more easily consumed and invective sound bite. The generalizations have specific purpose and intent.

 

I'm a fOM and fMM and I've read a lot of it here on LS over the years and find the advice of posters who suggest to take away what is meaningful, including generalizations, and leave the rest to be quite wise in their suggestions.

 

Please accept my sympathies regarding your miscarriage. To generalize, it was probably for the best, but that doesn't mitigate the sense of loss and hurt that comes from a potential life ending so abruptly and spontaneously, even respecting the choice you had already made to terminate. In many ways, it's a process a man (like myself or your xMM) will never truly understand.

 

I've been around a lot of MW's in my lifetime and, outside of the basic premise of an affair being a choice to abandon the exclusivity of one's primary committed relationship, the flavor, tone and specifics of those affairs, and the relevant marriages, are as unique and different as the people themselves. So, there, I've made a generalization. Take away what you will. Good luck.

[bentleychic]

It annoys the crap out of me to see people call all OW sluts and whores.

 

I've slept with two men my entire life, my now exH and MM and I have NEVER slept with two people at the same time. Yeah, I'm SUCH a slut.

 

Yes, I'm doing something immoral right now and yes, I know it's wrong and I do regret it, but I am absolutely not a slut nor a whore.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Im just surprised that so many men - especially married men in affairs, where an affair child would be a disaster - don't take accountability and responsibility for their own fertility.

 

You are already having sex with someone with questionable (what word am I looking for here...boundaries? ethics? morality? ...pick your own)...why would you put contraception into their hands alone. Too risky!

 

But to answer your question - the generalisation exists for a reason I suppose. Because it happens.

[Ruffian1]

I am sorry for your loss. I have suffered a miscarriage in my past, I know it hurts, but there may have been a “impairment” with the developing fetus which may have caused it to spont. miscarry. It happens. The innocent soul is in a better place (I believe).

 

I think most people with common sense know that all OW are not whores or sluts, etc. Every situation has its own unique dynamic as individual as the people involved.

 

But generalizations do come from a basic root that grew over time. Just as there are generalizations and analogies about the BW.

She don’t put out.

She is controlling.

She’s treats him bad.

She don’t really care about her spouse, etc

 

So it goes both ways

Edited December 3, 2013 by Ruffian1

[AlwaysGrowing]

I believe the affair down comes from not a trashy woman being picked up at a bar...it is to do with the the AP not having an issue sleeping with a married person. Most would view that as having poor character, integrity, morals.

 

 

And FTR, the sentiment that the OW did it on purpose wasn't until page 2

Edited December 3, 2013 by AlwaysGrowing

[threelaurels]

It annoys the crap out of me to see people call all OW sluts and whores.

 

I've slept with two men my entire life, my now exH and MM and I have NEVER slept with two people at the same time. Yeah, I'm SUCH a slut.

 

Yes, I'm doing something immoral right now and yes, I know it's wrong and I do regret it, but I am absolutely not a slut nor a whore.

 

Calling ANY woman a slut or whore is not acceptable in my book. They reinforce outdated ideas about women's sexuality that I don't like or accept. Out of all the possible insults, there are plenty to choose from that don't degrade women as a whole. Same goes for the "you're not like other women" line from men. Something that insults other women and my gender is not a real compliment!

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Like others, my husband was my first (and I thought would be my last) and then my xmom. Two sex partners in 52 years. I never, ever jumped in and out of anyones's bed. Even my husband said "I know you and know that you have to have an emotional connection" and he is right. Boundaries overstepped? Absolutely. But it doesn't take away the pain of any of it.

 

This is why I so love this board - there are some that are so militant - name calling (POSOW or POSOM, etc.) - I can't stand that because we are human. Now some are sort of off their rockers and measures need to be taken to protect oneself in those cases. But I believe for the most part, most of us are just trying to find our way. I can guaranty you if most BS's met me on the street they would like me very much.

 

These situations are so, so hard to navigate and I just get so upset because of what I have personally gone through when people are mistreated, regarded as less than human, when mm do not take responsibility for their part in affairs (like creating a human life), when people give cold,heartless advice to not have anything to do with the child they created (and I know the there are a few men on this board who have xmow who threw them out with yesterday's garbage as well), religion that treats second marriages as something less than a first marriage and in fact tries to break marriages up because of some weird, cultish belief, etc.

 

Rant over - lol - I am sick of people being cruel, in other words.

 

Ps - muddy footprints - is that a song you wrote? I write too and in fact that has helped me so much through all of this - love your words.

Edited December 4, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

[Got it]

I think it is easy to generalize about affairs because, quite frankly, it is easy to generalize all relationships. There are only so many "scripts" out there for relationships and reading enough it ends up repeating themselves. There are only so many ways to write a book, Man against Man, Man against Nature, etc and so is the same for relationships.

 

People, by nature, while unique if looked through a wide enough lens all look the same.

 

But I am am big fan of the gray and do not believe in absolutes. Generalizations are lazy thinking to quickly find trends and move on faster. It is lazy to not deep dive the nuances to see the differences as well as the similarities.

 

And the affair down comment. Okay, what ever makes you sleep better at night. Most slights are made to comfort the speaker.

Edited December 4, 2013 by Got it

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Well as far as "affairing down" I can tell you my xmom did not affair down. Was it a mistake? Yes. But I even his BS would tell you, if asked, that he did not affair down.

[Popsicle]

Oh, there's many...

 

1. OW is an upgrade from the wife. (OW like to believe this one)

2 OW is a downgrade from the wife (BW's like to believe this one)

3. Single OW are looking for a husband or a father if she has kids.

4. OM/W were pursued by the AP. WS didn't initiate or invite it first.

5. Male AP's only want sex.

 

Too many to list...the circumstances and participants of any two affairs will never be the same.

[rumbleseat]

Flip the coin and you'll see there are just as many stereotypes of bs as there are ow.

 

E.g.-"she's frigid", "she knows he's cheating and doesn't care", " she's controlling and treating him like a child", " he doesn't love her", "she's selfish" or " she only got pregnant on purpose to trap him in an unhappy marriage"

 

Then there are the boundless stereotypes of ws. How many threads here have the word " psycopath" ,"sociopath", " narcissist" , "scumbag" or some other choice words.

 

Funny thing is that if the ws is all, or even any, of those things, what does it say about both the bs an ow who were willing to put up with him and his lies?

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Flip the coin and you'll see there are just as many stereotypes of bs as there are ow.

 

E.g.-"she's frigid", "she knows he's cheating and doesn't care", " she's controlling and treating him like a child", " he doesn't love her", "she's selfish" or " she only got pregnant on purpose to trap him in an unhappy marriage"

 

Then there are the boundless stereotypes of ws. How many threads here have the word " psycopath" ,"sociopath", " narcissist" , "scumbag" or some other choice words.

 

Funny thing is that if the ws is all, or even any, of those things, what does it say about both the bs an ow who were willing to put up with him and his lies?

 

Agreed - although I never, ever looked at his BS like that - at all. He most likely told me things that weren't true, but I have never characterized any BS like that and I wouldn't because I just don't know. And that is the point. You never know what is really going on behind closed doors which is why when someone divorces (the perfect couple - or who you thought was perfect) - it comes as such as a shock.

[Fluttershy]

I have no problem with generalizations but do have a problem with absolutes.

 

All BS x

All WS x

All AP x

 

Usually, sometimes, and most are all better things to use. And even then I think the wrong word can get used but it is still far better than ALL.

The truth is many woman have used pregnancy to get a guy. I always feel sorry for those that do accidentally get pregnant because there is usually someone who thinks they did it on purpose. So I think if you know you didn't get pregnant on purpose learn not to care if others think you did. Easier said than done, I know.

People are right though. Generalizations are just for the the AP.

[Raena]

First of all... I'm very sorry for what you went through. I too have had the misfortune of having not one, but two miscarriages. It's awful and it's even worse when you have to go through it alone. Considering how much pain I was in both times, I can't imagine how you had the strength to get your kids off to school and then go to work and THEN leave. Goodness woman, you must be such a strong person!

 

I think you are right about the generalizations... and others have said that it works both ways... many are also said about the BS.

 

See, part of me comes here to this board because I want so desperately to understand what the OW in my situation must have been thinking and feeling during all of this. I also read the infidelity boards too trying to figure out why my ex chose to do what he did instead of work things out with me.

 

I keep thinking that I almost feel sorry for her, because I know darn well he lied to her just as much as he lied to me. Right now it is very difficult to have any empathy for her because she is in full on bit.ch mode and she is in fact acting like a crazy psycho, and on top of that, I know that she knew full well that he and I were together the entire time she was with him. It's hard to feel sorry for or have empathy for someone who created the situation they are in and helped to cause the destruction of my family. Their actions changed my life forever.

 

I think, given some time, and a change in her behavior towards me,(and mine towards her) I could really come to an understanding of what went on from all perspectives and be able to forgive it and let it go. I think that's the most important part of all of this. Yes, we are humans, but why do we have to act in such despicable ways towards each other? I don't think I'll ever really understand that. I do know that labeling it and making generalizations doesn't work. Each situation is unique but yet there are some common veins through it all too.

[Sofie2013]

It annoys the crap out of me to see people call all OW sluts and whores.

 

I've slept with two men my entire life, my now exH and MM and I have NEVER slept with two people at the same time. Yeah, I'm SUCH a slut.

 

Yes, I'm doing something immoral right now and yes, I know it's wrong and I do regret it, but I am absolutely not a slut nor a whore.

 

I can so relate to this and it does hurt.

 

Although I do understand were the BS is coming from and its understandable.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Rae you are definitely dealing with an extreme. I can say (just because it's me) most of us (FOW) are just human and have been lied too and promised things that could just not be delivered and the problem is we believed these guys. So gullible. It really is unfortunate and the bottom line is we should have been more kind to each other as women and then this wouldn't have happened.

 

I feel so stupid sometimes.

[wanting more]

I believe the affair down comes from not a trashy woman being picked up at a bar...it is to do with the the AP not having an issue sleeping with a married person. Most would view that as having poor character, integrity, morals.

 

 

And FTR, the sentiment that the OW did it on purpose wasn't until page 2

 

I'll never understand how a person will say the WS affaired down because they found someone with no morals to have sex with. Where's the WSs morals???

(BTW I also think its stupid when an OW says their AP affaired up)

 

FTR, I never said the comment was made on page 1, I said within the first few replies, Although I don't really know why you went back and found the reply and pointed this out.