chattychatty Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 Hi I've just registered here after reading on the forum for some months. I have been married to my beautiful wife for 8 years almost. We lived together for 5 years before being married. We have 2 toddlers now. They are great and we love them and cannot imaging going back to life without them. We are mid/late 30s. Our "couple" life was good - not saying perfect, but good and happy before they were born. Since they have joined us we have no time for each other. We fought often - up from almost never fighting before they were born - until we began seeing a marriage counselor about 6 months ago. It has been tremendously helpful, it at least gives us an hour a week to talk to each other about non-kid things. I'm writing because there is one area where things have not improved much: sex. I fear bringing it up, because we are not fighting and I would rather keep it that way - not that we would necessarily fight...but I don't know how to re-say what I feel I have already said every way I can think of in counselling. Around valentine's day I knew things had to get spiced up so I bought us some toys. Thought it might renew the fun-ness we used to have. Used 1 once and the rest are still in the box. Then, I asked for "a fantasy" for my b-day and she asked what that would/could be and I said 'use your imagination' and then nothing happened. Sometimes I think she's hinting but 9/10 I should mention, as I think it matters, I was/am an alcoholic. I wanted to improve my /my family's life so I gave up drinking. I used to drink for (among other reasons and non-reasons) stress relief. My drinking caused conflict in my marriage. I dont know how to say the following in a way that is understandable - I have said the following before and it seems to be in one ear and out the other "wife, I love you and want us to be happy. I know we are very busy and very tired. I had an easier time ignoring the rare sex when I was drinking. I want regular and good sex, not 5 minutes before bed when we're both exhausted. I don't want to have an affair. I feel myself getting older and I want passion. Not having it is depressing me and I fear I will start drinking again one day just to forget that I dont get much sex. I dont want such a sexless life and I need your help to fix it." any ideas anyone Link to post Share on other sites
ChooseTruth Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 It sounds like you need to talk to your wife about this. Communication is so important. Also I recommend you be more specific when you ask for a fantasy. If you had told her what you actually wanted she may have had more confidence to do what you were asking for. OH and 2 toddlers, that's a rough stage. Be patient. It gets better 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 It sounds like you need to talk to your wife about this. Communication is so important. Also I recommend you be more specific when you ask for a fantasy. If you had told her what you actually wanted she may have had more confidence to do what you were asking for. OH and 2 toddlers, that's a rough stage. Be patient. It gets better Bolded for truth. Vague sexual fantasies are not happening. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 (edited) Jeez. You have not one but TWO toddlers. That woman is probably exhausted. How about you arrange some date nights? Get the sitter and make reservations and treat her to some romance? You would actually throw the word "affair" out there and consider it because of a most likely temporary situation? Edited December 4, 2013 by DaisyLeigh1967 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chattychatty Posted December 4, 2013 Author Share Posted December 4, 2013 I've no doubt my wife is exhausted. I couldnt say she is more or less so than I am but I'd imagine as least as much. 2 toddlers (fraternals) is hard. I/we love them dearly but it is the hardest thing we've done. I have thought of affair not in terms of wanting to have one but in so far as I have known many a couple whose once great relationship disintegrated to the point that an affair seemed, I guess, irrelevant -My own parents included. Hmm, I hadn't thought that vague fantasies (well I wasn't vague, I didn't provide any guidance at all) were an issue but I see why now actually. thanks. I was/am hesitant to suggest something/anything in case it is a turn off to her / it's something she isnt into it which will create potential for conflict. Also, though it may sound ridiculous to anyone who doesnt get it, but I don't really know how to have such a conversation entirely sober --> "gee honey, those sure were great Brussels sprouts we had at dinner and boy, do we ever have a huge pile of baby laundry to do, but how about we do it tomorrow instead and have a 3-way with the neighbor tonight?" (just making that up) --> There's no way to work such things into conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
jphcbpa Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 bring up the lack of sex in MC ASAP! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 "wife, I love you and want us to be happy. I know we are very busy and very tired. I had an easier time ignoring the rare sex when I was drinking. I want regular and good sex, not 5 minutes before bed when we're both exhausted. I don't want to have an affair. I feel myself getting older and I want passion. Not having it is depressing me and I fear I will start drinking again one day just to forget that I dont get much sex. I dont want such a sexless life and I need your help to fix it." This problem with this is "I....I....I.....I...." Have you asked her if she misses regular sex? If she misses the closeness? Find a time to reminisce about your dating days, and early marriage years. Maybe look through a photo album together. Share stories together about the fun you had, the romance, etc. Ask if she misses it. Tell her you want to bring it back. You want your girlfriend back. Ask how she feels about it. As a parent, when do you plan to have sex if not that time before bed when you are both exhausted? Some of this is just reality, man. We were there once, too, but it passes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chattychatty Posted December 4, 2013 Author Share Posted December 4, 2013 bring up the lack of sex in MC ASAP! I did that. The counselor said she doesn't deal with sex and that we should see someone else about it. I don't see how you can separate sex from love or marriage but I guess I'm not a professional. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 My two cents Do not tie you falling of the waggon to sex. Not fair and you own your issue. Do not say you might cheat. Cheating is never justified. Get a different marriage consuler now. I dumped the one we had that did not want to get into promoting good sex. Can you set up date nights? Kids away overnight or with a baby sitter. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ChooseTruth Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 My old MC didn't shy away from talking about sex... Definitely a part of marriage. I like the point that she might be dissatisfied as well. Another thing to think about is your timing: Time of month, time of day, day of the week. I was always 100% sure to get laid the first Saturday morning after she finished her cycle. Also make sure you are meeting her emotional needs. Women don't like to have sex out of the blue. You need to do those little things, like holding her hand, giving her a peck in public, saying ILY, buying flowers, flirting, complimenting her, doing the dishes, all that cheesy stuff. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cozycottagelg Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 I can relate to this post kind of. I was always the one in my marriage who wanted sex, way more than my husband did. Now it's him who wants it and I'm just not very interested. It used to be that I could get a back rub or just cuddle and it would be just that, a massage or a cuddle. Now, if I ask to cuddle or for him to rub my back, it always means he is going to let his hands wander and want to have sex. So it's at the point now where I don't ask for those things and I tend to sit far away from him on the couch so I don't have to touch him physically. It's actually really sad, and makes me sad to type. My suggestion.. maybe make time for more hugs and touching, but do not take that to mean she wants sex. I don't know if it's going to help...but I can tell you from experience, there is nothing more of a turn off than your partners wandering hand when all you want to do is rest because you're exhausted... I'm rambling. I know you want sex...totally get it, you should want it. My only advice is do not take every opportunity your wife gives you for physical interaction to mean that you can try to have sex. I know..I'm not helpful at all... I am also not sure the conversation is going to help. She must already know you want to do it more. If my husband sat me down and said "I would really like to have more sex"...I can't say that would help his case. Link to post Share on other sites
jphcbpa Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 I did that. The counselor said she doesn't deal with sex and that we should see someone else about it. I don't see how you can separate sex from love or marriage but I guess I'm not a professional. WHAT???? Fire here ASAP. She, the MC, probably does not give it to her husband either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chattychatty Posted December 4, 2013 Author Share Posted December 4, 2013 Thank you all for replies. When I get a chance to talk to her with a certain amount of peace, like when kids napping or something, I will talk to her about a lack of intimacy in general (it isn't just a lack of sex I suppose when I think about it) and see how that goes. Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted December 5, 2013 Share Posted December 5, 2013 These kinds of threads confirm that my husband and I are smart to be childfree. Part of the reason we have a wonderful sex life is there are no children to take time away from each other. Every night is date night! Well pin a rose on your nose! Woot woot for you! Guess what? I have had great sex and I have THREE children. They don't take away from a thing! I have no problem with people being childfree. If you choose not to have kids that is your business. I don't tell anyone how to live. Your reproductive life or lack thereof, it no one's business but your own. But your post smacks of "I am better than you", or blaming kids on the situation with the OP. Kids are not to blame for marital issues. That is totally on the married couple. You were smart not to have kids when you clearly do not want them, not because you have hot monkey sex every night. There is more to life than sex. You can have kids and have a great marriage or be childfree and have a ****ty marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted December 8, 2013 Share Posted December 8, 2013 Until your children leave home, you will not know the freedom that my husband and I have when it comes to sex or other aspects of our lives. Oh and since the OP started having a bad sex life after becoming a parent, it is clear that the sexual problems stem from having kids. Are you really going to tell me that kids cannot put a strain on a marriage and lead to problems? Also, I did not say that only childfree marriages can be happy. Obviously there is more to life than sex. However, it is an important part of our marriage and parents confirm our reasons for not having kids when they complain. I see how tired and stressed out parents are most of the time. I also notice that couples with children have far less time for each other because their children need so much. Pointing out that this thread makes me glad I don't have kids doesn't mean that I am saying I am "better" than parents. To be honest, it is usually parents who are condescending and rude to the childfree for daring to make a different choice. Parents become indignant when childfree people talk about how great their lives are without children. This is because the parents are painfully aware that the childfree are right about the positive aspects of not having kids. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/complete-without-kids/201103/fact-or-fiction-childfree-couples-are-happier-couples-kids Good article about the effect of children on a marriage. Oh hell no, kids sure as heck add strain on marriage. That is a given. It is all in how you deal with it. I do understand what you are saying and I am sure meant no snark. And believe it or not I do know what it is like to be without kids. We did not have children for almost 10 years. I "get" you. Really. And just to let you know, I would never ever cut anyone down for NOT having kids. That is just stupid if you ask me. Another person's reproductive choices are no one else's business. If I were you, I would tell said asshats to kiss my butt. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted December 8, 2013 Share Posted December 8, 2013 We were together 10 years before kids, and more than that with kids. There were a few years that kids seriously cramped our sex life, but those years are OVER :D:D Now we have the joy of sex AND the joy of family Remember OP: This too shall pass. Nurture your marriage so that it is there for you when the kids are older. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chattychatty Posted January 16, 2014 Author Share Posted January 16, 2014 Update: So last night I talked to my wife. She said she gets what I'm saying. I left it at that. I said that it wasn't just lack of sex but also the lack of a christmas gift and such things that together all bother me and that I want a wife in addition to mother to kids. I appreciate the responses and especially those who said this is a phase - I hadn't thought of it like that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 I'm afraid I can't help with the kids bit; there are posters here who have been married with kids and still maintain a very close bond with their spouse, so they will be better positioned to give advice in this regard. Xxoo is one of them. What I CAN offer advice about, is my perspective as a woman on this: Around valentine's day I knew things had to get spiced up so I bought us some toys. Thought it might renew the fun-ness we used to have. Used 1 once and the rest are still in the box. Then, I asked for "a fantasy" for my b-day and she asked what that would/could be and I said 'use your imagination' and then nothing happened. This is a bad bad bad bad bad idea. If you find that your sex life is flagging behind due to emotional distance, the worst thing you could do is to put even more focus on the sex - that usually just makes things worse. A better idea would be: "Around valentine's day I knew things had to get spiced up, so I booked babysitters for the night and made reservations at my wife's favourite restaurant. I took her out for dinner and drinks, and when we returned home after several hours of good wine and conversation, I gave her a sensual massage." Obviously, that doesn't tackle the root of the problem either (counselling is for that purpose, which you are already doing), but it does take a step in the right direction towards reigniting the spark and making her feel sensual and sexual. As cheesy as it sounds, romance goes a long way towards reigniting the flames of desire for many women in a M or LTR. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 OH and 2 toddlers, that's a rough stage. Be patient. It gets better Nope, it gets worse... G (father of 4) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 There's another thread going on a related subject, where this link has been pasted: That said, it's a bit late for the OP, now..... What are you personally doing to ensure she gets a break? have you actually looked after your two children, on your own, for a whole weekend, say, and sent her off to a weekend with the girls/her sister/mom/BFF? Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 have you actually looked after your two children, on your own, for a whole weekend, say, and sent her off to a weekend with the girls/her sister/mom/BFF? I would recommend this... I have done it personally, in fact, only 2 days ago. Having said that, my youngest is nearly 13 now... Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 Update: So last night I talked to my wife. She said she gets what I'm saying. I left it at that. I said that it wasn't just lack of sex but also the lack of a christmas gift and such things that together all bother me and that I want a wife in addition to mother to kids. I appreciate the responses and especially those who said this is a phase - I hadn't thought of it like that. I very much doubt if not absolutely positive she knew the entire time you wanted to have more sex anyway, it's not exactly rocket science of the mystery of the century. She gets what you're saying, but she's not going to do anything about it...the exception here is you have two very young children, I'm sure that takes away from her personal time and adds additional stress to her life not making her the most sexual person in the world at this time...but I'm not sure if that's the issue and the problem is just the "phase"...I doubt it, she doesn't even want to communicate with you about the real issue she just basically heard your opinion and left it at that...not the way to rebuild the bond but at least you got it out there and now she knows about, maybe she'll think about it and then you can engage her again about her "needs" next time...the thing is now she might even feel more pressured and resistant to having sex with you because now she feels "forced"...she can feel that pressure and anxiety knowing she can't meet your needs and you said the word "cheat"...there are some words you can say to women in any context and they're only going to hear the keyword and it's damaging completely. I know I know...there's no "right" way to do things at times and you're no specialist/therapist...it's a lot to chew and know for a guy, but it just comes down to the fact that she simply doesn't want to have sex with you, she does not desire it for one reason or another...and that's the beginning and the end, finding out "why", communicating, rebuilding the "romance" in combination might help you to some degree in terms of understanding but don't necessarily expect change, that takes compromise...because likely no matter what you do it's not going to have a huge impact on your sex life...it's going to be a long process basically for some results, you have to be able to identify the issues behind that lack of desire for her, but she might just be over it with you...a "phase", well....how would one determine a "phase" between a long-term issue issue without understanding the relationship? therefore I wouldn't just put all your eggs in that basket just "hoping" it is a phase, you might end up waiting for a bus that never comes. I think in the end you're going to have to face the reality that a lot of married men do with a poor sex life...and that is there's going to be somewhat of a personal needs/desires sacrifice for that "family" unit unless you want an affair, it doesn't mean you don't love your wife and all of that, just means you aren't getting your needs met outside that dynamic...I guess a lot of men just choose the family in the end, especially with kids and suffer until they grow up at least, eventually come to terms with their life (after all it's not a great outcome to cheat and it's only temporary fix..most men who do figure that out)...that's what I've seen anyway, never met too many men personally with a positive sex life unless the woman was more sexually driven and they were less so...most of the time it's eerily similar from married man to married man so it makes me kind of wonder what men are even thinking, unless you think you're special or "lucky"...good luck with that gamble. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 Update: So last night I talked to my wife. She said she gets what I'm saying. I left it at that. I said that it wasn't just lack of sex but also the lack of a christmas gift and such things that together all bother me and that I want a wife in addition to mother to kids. I appreciate the responses and especially those who said this is a phase - I hadn't thought of it like that. Start dating each other again. Prioritize time together, and spend time enjoying each other. Refer to her as your "girlfriend", and treat her like one Remember that the spark is lit outside the bedroom. Don't pressure her. Inspire her. Link to post Share on other sites
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