iris219 Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 Why do some children have a really hard time with divorce while others are OK with it? My bf's children's are incredibly well-adjusted and I keep wondering if they are internalizing how they really feel. Is it possible that they came out of such upheaval unscathed? I mean, we've all met adults who were traumatized by their parents divorce as children and are still traumatized now. With the holidays upon us, I thought it would be especially difficult, but they are happy they get to spend Christmas Eve and morning with their mom and her bf and spend the rest of day with with us. I once asked the oldest if he was OK with the fact that his parents weren't together anymore and he said it was fine because they weren't happy and they used to be angry all of the time. What are some reasons why some children adjust well after divorce and others don't? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 I think parents who can put their crap behind them and put their children first are the ones who have the more well-adjusted kids. Kids need to know both of their parents love them, even if they are no longer in love with each other. Messed up kids seem to have parents with messed-up parenting skills. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 (edited) I agree, I also think age is a big factor. I was too young when my parents divorced, so I don't even remember them being married. It was all I knew and it was life. However, what caused issues was my dad bad mouthing my mom later in life. Also when the children are old enough to understand their parent's issues, they have an easier time adjusting versus kids who are old enough to know what is happening around them, but not mature enough to understand the reasoning. Edited December 4, 2013 by pink_sugar Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 The amount of support they get is a huge factor. Not putting them in the middle or playing emotional tug of war with them is another one. Link to post Share on other sites
vanhalenfan Posted December 5, 2013 Share Posted December 5, 2013 Well, in my case, my ex-husband wasn't very involved in the first place throughout our children's lives, so when we divorced, it wasn't a huge difference. Sad, but true. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author iris219 Posted December 5, 2013 Author Share Posted December 5, 2013 I had assumed all children suffer after divorce, but it's nice to know that that doesn't have to be the case. My bf and his ex are good about keeping things stable for the kids. They have a custody schedule and stick to it. They are probably one of the rare divorced couples who agree on most things when it comes to the kids so there's little conflict there. Both agreed on 50/50 custody--it was never in dispute. They have never put the kids in the middle because there wasn't anything to put them in the middle of. The marriage had been over for many years before they actually separated. They had been living separate lives during the marriage. Both were relieved for the divorce. Having no lingering feelings for each other is probably helpful when it comes to being good parents to their kids. They both respect each other as parents as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iris219 Posted December 5, 2013 Author Share Posted December 5, 2013 Nat, I wonder why your dad was awarded custody? My bf and his ex are close to their children--both before and after the divorce. Keeping the relationship similar to the way it was before is probably key. The children are with their parents an equal amount of time and they do a good job of maintaining consistency. I would think, however, that just the idea of divorce has to be scary for children. Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 My parents separated when I was 6/7 and I'm sure I was sad about it at the time (don't remember), but after adjusting to it, it was fine. My brother and I are definitely NOT traumatised by their divorce. And our parents never put us in the middle. We came first. They would talk about everything that related to us and make joint decisions. To this day, and it's been over 20 years, my dad and mom are still close and my dad is a fixture at all family dos. We never once thought they should get back together either. Didn't make any sense to us! Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 Mine seperated when I was 5. I don't remember much, but I remember the fights late a night (I could not sleep), and I remember my mom telling me in the bathroom and me crying that I could be a better boy. My mom had a tough time, worring about money, I remember for the early years - I was the only one she could confide in. I was her little man, and this was not healthy for a 7 year old to be having his mom crying at the table to me. I am older, and at the time, in my neighboorhod I was one (if not the only) kid of divorce. Teachers and some kids treated me diffierently. Then my mom dating and trying being married several times, once to an abusive man. However, we kept a middle class home, food on the table, and my mom was affectionate to me. There christmas presents every year for me. I don't want to paint a picture of me as a sad boy - I had many of the expereinces and friends boys my age had - but also ones that others did not. I realized late in therapy that I was damaged from this time. I think these days - if the parents remain reasonable - and co parrent- it can work. I would not put my own duaghter through it however if I could help it. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 Why do some children have a really hard time with divorce while others are OK with it? My bf's children's are incredibly well-adjusted and I keep wondering if they are internalizing how they really feel. Is it possible that they came out of such upheaval unscathed? I mean, we've all met adults who were traumatized by their parents divorce as children and are still traumatized now. With the holidays upon us, I thought it would be especially difficult, but they are happy they get to spend Christmas Eve and morning with their mom and her bf and spend the rest of day with with us. I once asked the oldest if he was OK with the fact that his parents weren't together anymore and he said it was fine because they weren't happy and they used to be angry all of the time. What are some reasons why some children adjust well after divorce and others don't? my youngest adjusted to the break up the best........ Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 I dont think you can generalize.... No two kids will handle it the same...I would say that the only thing that is certain is that they arent going to be happy about it..Kids are inherently selfish(its not thier fault)..They want whats best for them and they really dont care that much(or dont really understand) that mom and dad are no longer in love..To them, its usually thier worst nightmare, unfortunately. TFY Link to post Share on other sites
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