tears of blood

[hit the floor]

i need to type this so i can release it and leave it....

 

anyone who knows my story knows that my c/l husband left me July 04, unexpected. he lied about everything, i found out one week ago that he has been living with his coworker since he left. he told our daughter and myself that he had been homeless. my daughter and i have suffered tremendously. he failed to show up for scheduled visits and the limited contact he had with her he would say things that were just wrong: "dad's homeless because mommy takes all of his money, etc..." he has said some horrible things to me. things i cannot let go - not yet.

 

both my daughter and i are in treatment - she wrote a lot of suicide letters and cuts long lines up her arm with scissors - Family Services was involved and i welcome their help. they have helped me to understand he abused me (emotionally, verbally, and the odd time physically.)

 

even though my logical side knows this is all for the best my emotional side is a wreck. there are times, like now, when the emotions are so strong i want to cut (i too am a cutter...like mother, like daughter - minimal coping skills and a lot of pain)

 

when he first left (in July 04) he told me he wanted none of his belongings. he had a new life. several times i tried to return his stuff and he would yell and threaten me. once in the middle of the night i left two bags of his clothes in the back of his truck (i knew where he was, since he moved 5 blocks from my mom's house on my daughter's walking route to school) no drama, no notes, etc. i got a call two days later - he told me i was a @ucking retard because he had been camping and the bags i left got wet over the weekend. he told me again to take his stuff to the dump and eat the dumping fees.

 

two weeks ago he called and wanted his stuff.....i never took it to the dump....there was always a part of me that hoped he would have forgiven me for whatever i had done this time and come home. so when he wanted his stuff i lied and told him i took it to the dump like he told me to. he threatened me and told me he was going to my house to take my daughter. i ran home and to the police.

 

today i packed his belongings up and returned them via his sister. i know it is the right thing to do....it hurts....tonight i will hurt....

 

i understand i am on a path and i am heavily supported by family, doctors and counsellors.....(so please don't worry too much about me) but the pain of rejection is heavy and it weighs on me. i blame myself for everything something i was told victims of abuse do --- but again the emotion outweighs the logic and the pain builds inside. sometimes i can't look in the mirror because i can't accept the reflection. i feel like this shattered glass, unable to find the pieces to re-connect.

 

i thought returning his belongings would help, maybe it will - but tonight I cry and I hurt. tonight i will try to forget that he is reaching out to his new girlfriend and family, but let's face it - it is unlikely that will happen. instead i will cut my arm and my leg and i release some of my pain and hopefully the night will pass quickly.

 

this forum is a great opportunity to release, thank-you for letting me get some of this out.

 

have a safe and happy new year to all - hit the floor LP

[RowanRavyn]

Oh, Sweetie.

 

Its so hard to move on from Abuse, but you can.

 

I promise.

 

Its so hard to watch your child self destruct, and deal with your own issues and guilt. I am glad you have a good support system, and try to refrain from blaming yourself. Its really NOT your fault.

 

You will look back at some point in the future and think...how could I think I wouldn't make it.

 

Best Wishes, and thoughts of strength to you,

 

Row

[brashgal]

My heart goes out to you. Take care of yourself. May 2005 bring happiness to you and your daughter.

[asbms18]

I can understand what you are going through. I am at times an emotional wreck also.Logically I know I and the children are better off without him, but I still struggle with guilt and shame and hurt pride.

My ex left 3 months ago to live a friend of mine who is 20 years older than him.

SHe was like a grandma to our children and used to tell me " Get rid off that jerk of a husband when you are done with school.( I am going to nursing school)In the meantime she would tell him ,what a good father he was and how much happier the kids seemed when they were with him and not me.She played us both , but I catch myself focusing my anger onto her only and forgetting that he let things happen also.

He has it soo much easier being involved and consumed with someone new.

He has given up on his children also and not made any attempts to see them . Not in a million years would I have thought he would let go of his kids like that.

 

My sister, says he is playing a game. ANd he will do the opposite of what I would expect him to do. He would never admit that he hurts or misses the children , even if that was the case.

 

How can men just give up on their children like that for another woman?Especially one that is soo old. Our youngest is 11.

[RowanRavyn]

I don't pretend to know the answers. I left mine. I took my kids and disappeared. It was the best thing that has ever happened to us. Even though I was the one that left, I spent a lot of nights in tears.

 

Things will get better. I promise. I am poorer than I have ever been in my life, but I am happier, and richer in the things that matter.

 

Blessings on all of you.

Row

[hit the floor]

today, i was so mixed with emotions....giving him his stuff back and forwarding him pictures of our daughter.

 

i have felt so guilty since he left. blaming myself for him leaving, their relationship dissolving, her pain - you name it i carried the guilt for it.

 

for Christmas my ex and I agreed he would deposit $200 into my account for gifts from him to her. i did the shopping and he did NOT deposit the money, but on christmas eve his sister showed up with a $650.00 stereo from him. i asked my daughter if she wanted to call and thank him and she said no.

 

again, i felt bad, he bought a gift, she was angry and wouldn't call him (i felt bad for him), so i called and thanked him - than i spent extra time with my daughter to ease any pain she may have.

 

today packing his stuff was hard. i thought it was the fair thing to do. so i carefully packed his belongings and sent them to him. i even included a card wishing him and happy and safe New Year.

 

than out of the blue, my path hits a bump. I found out that my daughter was given his cell phone number and she had text msg'd him this evening. of course, he responded to her and so the cycle repeats.

 

i knew something was wrong because she was hostile with me. when he first left and had a few visits with her she would be angry at me and yell and swear. when family services intervened and suggested he take me to court for mediation, we never heard from him again. by December my daughter was vibrant, energetic and i thought we were really getting close. i knew by the look in her eyes they had contacted each other.

 

sure enough, she swore at me and said dad says you're keeping us apart. i also found out that he had told her about his new girlfriend in July when he left but had made her promise to not tell me. she also said that her and her dad have a lot of secrets.

 

i called him...i was so hurt - but i knew that this day would come (i had hoped it would be much later and she would be much stronger and clearer, since it appears he has a problem with lying and accountability.) he blamed me for the failed visitation than yelled at me for not returning ALL of his stuff, in particular one saw (i loaned it out and haven't got it back yet).

 

my daughter and i had quite the disagreement. i told her he is an adult and has no business telling "secrets" and the fact that she used this "secret" by telling me he was homeless and crying (basically making me feel guilty for something she knew wasn't true) was a travesty and truly hurt me.

 

while on the phone with my ex, i told him we have to work together --- but he couldn't talk to me because he was getting ready to take his new g/f out for New Years.....

 

so, more of the truth emerges. at first i wanted to die, really thought about how much of a fool i've been and how i've been played by him and allowed him to play her. and frankly i really didn't think i could possibly deal with him again. i just kept blaming myself and wanting to die - this would solve everyone's problems.

 

now the year draws to a close. i feel less guilty right now, than i did 4 hours ago because i know he was wrong. i can only hope he calls on Sunday as he promised so we can resolve these issues.

 

he is one sick person to swear his daughter to a secret against her mother. i seek accountability, but it is unlikely that i will see it in my lifetime. for him to actually sit down and truly accept responsibility for the abuse, the lies and the destruction he has caused would make any normal person kill themselves - so out of self-preservation he will lie to himself and destroy my daughter.

 

tonite, i pray for justice. for my blood to be traded for his.....i have cut myself so many times out of guilt....hurting so much inside, trying and trying to make things better between us between them and between my daughter and i -- i had no idea about the truth. it was carefully created to save him and destroy me.....all my attempts were futile.

 

life may not be fair...blah, blah, blah....... but my god, there has to be justice somewhere. how can one person go thru life destroying the very things that love him.

 

tonite, if there is justice let the blood from my cuts heal and the pain and suffering be handed to the man who deserves it.

 

happy *ucking New Year, may the truth set each of us free from our suffering

 

hit the floor - LP

 

to condense the events:

 

1.) he has been given so many opportunity

[Barby]

Hey. I'm soooooooooooo sorry that you're going through this.

 

You have to STOP worrying about his and your issues and what he tells or doesn't tell your daughter. It is NOT her place to inform you of him having a girlfriend. She should not have lied to you about him being homeless but she shouldn't be put in the middle.

 

He does NOT need to deal with you in order to see your daughter and trying to talk to him each time he talks to her isn't right. You two are over and no matter what he has done to you, you do not need to let it interfere and spill over onto your daughter!

 

 

Cutting is so destructive and I hope you both get help for that!

[indigo_moon]

So many of us here have been in abusive relationships (all different types/degrees of abuse), and so many of us have been in your shoes, believe me..........and we've been where you are in terms of the guilt and self-blame and feeling alone and wondering how we'll carry on...........but I can tell from your posts that you are a very intelligent, caring, articulate, insightful woman who is doing her very best...and you WILL get through this, believe me. None of this is your fault. Him leaving had nothing to do with you - it's about him being a selfish d*ck. Did you read the response I gave you in your first post here? If not, please go back and find it.

 

I had a very abusive husband......and way back then, I was where you are today........I felt guilty and like a failure as a person and woman.........the there must have been something majorly deficient in me for him to have beat me and smacked me and spit in my face and cheated on me numerous times. While we were together, he constantly picked at me........his snide and derogatory comments about everything I did or said, I got to the point where I doubted myself all the time.........and went from a woman who had confidence and self esteem to one who was completely devoid of both........to such a degree that I would nearly start crying when out buying groceries because I couldn't even decide what to buy and under my breath I'd be telling myself what a stupid idiot I was for being so indecisive. His poison spread to how I thought of myself.

 

We lived in a small town. He told lies about why I'd left him.........(I left him because I finally had the courage to have him charged w/ assault, which he later plead guilty to).........made me look like a first class wingnut. Looking back, I don't even know how I got through all that.............well yes I do, it was totally God.........and having people praying for me, and me asking God to give me peace and direction because I was really a mess. Even though I left him (separated), I still hoped he'd get his sh*t together and realize what he'd lost....and be the man he was supposed to be, and get help and give our marriage a shot.........but no, he was too busy living the single live, sleeping with everything that walked. For almost a year, I'd go to bed in tears and wake up with an ache in the pit of my stomache, fighting back tears. I would have to hear the rumors about who he was sleeping with, I would drive by "our" home on the way to work in the morning and see some skank's car in the driveway and I don't even know how I made it through the day at work. I sometimes felt that the only way I'd get rid of the pain was if I were dead............but I wasn't going to give that rat b*stard the satisfaction. I had to keep trusting that no matter what, God loved me and He'd see me through........that all of what I was going through was for a positive reason................and I'd make it. And after a year of being separated, I had the chance of a lifetime to transfer out of that 2 bit town and start my life over......................and that's what I did............though it still took me a good 2 yrs to fully get over him...........and deal with the guilt I THEN felt for leaving.........always wondering if maybe he'd have changed had I stayed. he would sometimes call me up drunk and tell me what a rotten wife I'd been for "leaving him"...he had no concept whatsoever about the hell he put me through.

 

But I am a much stronger person today and i don't take sh*t from any man, though I do believe there are good ones out there and I won't paint them all with the same brush.

 

THere will be so much good that comes from all of this for you, too...........it's impossible to imagine that now, but just you wait and see, with time. You don't need a loser like that.........you've seen his true colors and what he's made of, and you deserve so much better. I know you likely don't think you do, you're probably focusing on all the faults and shortcomings you think you have..............but that's only because you've slowly been so brainwashed into believing you're worth nothing.

 

I hope you find a little hope from what I've shared........and I'm sure others will share with you, too. If you have a Domestic Violence Hotline/Shelter there, they can be reached 24 hrs a day..................there is always someone there you can talk to when you're feeling down on yourself, guilty, alone.......these women who volunteer there, they have been abused themself..............they've walked in these shoes, in your shoes. You don't have to give your name if you don't want to. Many times after I left him I would call them up when I was feeling horribly alone and doubting myself for standing up to him. If you don't know the #, call up your local hospital and tell them it's NOT an emergency but could they give you the #..........they should know it, so should your local law enforcement (police station)...again, just tell them it's not an emergency but do they have the # of the shelter as you'd like to talk to someone. This helped me and many other women, tremendously.........it's so good to talk withi someone who has been there and has survived but knows where you're coming from

 

I wish you the very best in 2005..let this be a new beginning for you. You returning his things is a turning point in your life...................it's one step closer to healing your broken heart and spirit.

 

And if you have ever had any affiliation with a church there, contact them..........they are a great suppport, too. And even if you've never stepped foot in a church in your life and don't even know if you believe in God, they don't care...........the pastor or priest will just be there to listen and be a support.............they won't try to convert you, honestly.

 

Hugs

[hit the floor]

Indigo_Moon --- Oh my, thank-you for your beautiful post.

 

Let me clarify. I never put my daughter in the middle of our issues. I was fair. "Barby" you are right my daughter had no obligation to tell me anything. For one, I never asked and for two my concern is that she used his lie to create lies of her own and gain material objects from family and concerned friends. I don't blame her because she learned her behaviour.

 

for 2005 - i want accountability. my ex, had every opportunity to see my daughter. when Family Services got involved and determined us as Victims of Abuse and advised me to have him take me to court re: visitation due to his alcoholism and drug abuse and inconsistant visitation I advised him and offered to support his decision.

 

The fact is he doesn't want to be accountable. He wants to do @ucked up things and take no responsibility for them. it kills me to know that he continues to tell my daughter lies, but i also know that she must learn (unfortunately the hard way) what her father is really like.

 

it is him that put her in the middle, exactly where i didn't want her to be.

 

but to everyone, don't worry - will not give up on my kid.....she deserved better and I should have never let him abuse us for 14 years.

 

the question is: can you make a dad accountable? and have him stop putting his needs ahead of his child's???? any advise.

 

Hit the Floor - LP

[piper27]

Hello =) You posted a really nice post to me when I was feeling down, and I wish I could do the same for you, but all I can really say is: "Oh dear". I don't have any children, and your situation is so complicated that I don't think that my two cents would be of any use.

 

I cannot believe that any person would do that to a child, let alone his own child. Why would he want to manipulate her feelings? One thing is very clear - unless he stops doing what he is doing, she is going to have major issues. My heart goes out to you, I think it must be really hard for you as a mother to see her suffering and not be able to help her.

 

All I can say about your ex husband is that he is immature, manipulative, self-centred and generally one of the scum of the earth. Either that or he must be the dumbest ape to ever walk the earth, to not know what he is doing to his own flesh-and-blood (assuming that he loves her as his daughter, that is). Even if he does love her as a daughter, to turn her against her mother to assuage his own guilt about not making the time to see her is really one of the most selfish things I have seen so far.

 

To be honest, I think he has far more issues than you do. You should be thankful for that. All the behaviour, like making sure he is in your sight - I know people say that it's just that he has moved on and he's living his life irregardless of you and doesn't care about you - but I really do think in this case, that this isn't true. He's crying out for attention, the selfish bugger.

 

Please don't cut yourself anymore - he is not worth a single drop of your blood. I know that it's really cliched to say 'you are better than he is' - and a lot of times, when people say it on this site, I think the person who gets it feel really grateful for the support shown for them, but doesn't really believe it in their hearts because they feel that the poster may not really know the whole situation and maybe you haven't given them the whole picture. But in your case - even if it is a one sided story, and it is your subjective view coloured by the prejudices or grievances which you have against him - YOU ARE BETTER THAN HIM.

 

Treat him with the scorn he deserves. It really would be hard to beat him in the selfishness stakes.

 

I hope things do get better for you, and I think you have been hurt enough by him and by his manipulation of your daughter - don't hurt yourself any further. Really, he's done a terribly good job of it, the scumbag.

[Mr Spock]

What a crappy time to have to deal with this stuff. My mother's family friend had a similar situation, the daughter knew her father was having an affair for a year before her mother found out and was VERY hurt, but what was the woman to do? You can't expect children to pick a parent just because one may be more in the wrong than the other.

 

It sounds like that when your relationship fell apart, it fell HARD. I'd like to know how "abusive" he really is-during a break up of a long term relationship yelling and swearing are more common that you might think and not something I'd label as abuse, although others might feel differently.

 

It sounds to me like he's making things worse than they have to be to assauge his guilt over leaving you and your daughter. IE being a terrible ass about his belongings and getting mad at you so he can hate you rather than feel bad about the end of your relationship.

 

It's one thing to hate him for leaving you in such a bad manner it's another to start leveling drug abuse and alcoholism against him (are you a doctor, has he been diagnosed?) if all he's doing is smoking a little pot and having beers. Maybe go into detail bout that.

 

The whole "cutting yourself" thing makes you sound insane. Child services will pull your daughter out of your home faster than two catholic school boys doing it in a closet. Stop it, now.

 

What you need to be doing is STOP MAKING THE EFFORT. He's out of your life now, and from what it sounds like it's more of a blessing than anything. Deal with your feelings of rejection (even being rejected by an a**h*** hurts) and realize that some other person will have to deal with his sh*t now, not you. Let him contact his daughter via cell phone, that's his right and hers to speak when they need to. Stay out of it unless your daughter is really being fed lies-most children can realize when one parent is trying to play them to make them hate the other.

 

Let the courts do their thing. Stop cutting yourself, you whacko-yes, you nutjob, normal people do NOT carve things into their flesh. Go, and get a perscription for Valium if you have to. Stop with the drama crap.

 

You CAN'T make a loser accountable for anything. Just wash your hands of him and make sure he pays his child support. Don't make any other efforts, any more. Why should you have to?

[RowanRavyn]

Wow, Compassion Much?

[Mr Spock]

I have compassion for her suffering. Not for cutting herself though, that's self destructive BS that could end up in her losing custody of her daughter.

[RowanRavyn]

From what I understand of cutting, it is an attempt to feel some amount of control in an uncontrollable situation. Its not suicidal. Its actually very similar to eating disorders as a way to control things.

 

I agree that it would be wise for her to stop to help her maintain custody of her daughter, however, its not as simple as stopping.

 

Also, I would like to point out at the age of 14, the daughter could go live anywhere she wants. At least in most states.

[Mr Spock]

The point is that she DOES have control-she has control over her own actions. And having your child pulled from your care by authorities (another thing a vindictive jerk ex can use against you BTW-if your daughter has ANY idea of what you do to yourself then your ex can, too)is far, far different than that child choosing to spend portions of their time living with someone else.

 

It's time you took a break from worrying about him, what he's doing, and what he says to you. I know it sounds hard but you can do it. You don't have to do things like call and thank him for gifts to your daughter anymore, she's old enough to do it on her own. If he wants his things he can pack them his damn self. If he yells at you when speaking to you, you can walk away. Hang up the phone-because the relationship is KAPUT and you don't have to put up with that kind of crap anymore.

[RowanRavyn]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

 

It's time you took a break from worrying about him, what he's doing, and what he says to you. I know it sounds hard but you can do it. You don't have to do things like call and thank him for gifts to your daughter anymore, she's old enough to do it on her own. If he wants his things he can pack them his damn self. If he yells at you when speaking to you, you can walk away. Hang up the phone-because the relationship is KAPUT and you don't have to put up with that kind of crap anymore.

 

 

This much we agree on.

 

I am not advocating the continuation of the cutting. I am merely saying it is no simple matter.

[piper27]

I have to say, I don't really agree with Mr Spock's particular brand of empathy.

 

But as an attorney, I have to agree that if your ex knows about this, it is a mighty big ace against you if custody of the child ever becomes an issue. I hope he doesn't know that you post on this website. Please don't ever let him have your nickname, or let him have any indication whatsoever that you are on here (and I hope for your sake you have your computer swept for any keyloggers/webspy software), because all this is mighty strong circumstantial evidence.

 

You have to help yourself too here. Stop doing anything like the cutting which he could use against you. I know it is pretty sick, but you do realize that in the event custody becomes an issue and the court makes a finding that you have as a fact been doing this sort of thing, there are only two options open to the court with respect to your daughter: (a) go to selfish scumbag daddy who may be a scumbag, but who does not cut himself (yes, even if judicial preference has traditionally been to give the mother custody and the father visiting rights - in your case the age of your daughter also works against you), or (b) court finds both parents unfit, ergo daughter goes to child services/foster parents/whatever they do where you are. You really do have to be strong if you want to keep your daughter (in the event things get even uglier than they already are). (disclaimer: of course, this is dependent on the evidence and findings which the court makes on the evidence.)

[hit the floor]

hi everyone,

 

i try to clarify some issues raised in the above notes....

 

my ex would drink daily, mostly beer - on special occasions he would bring out the whiskey. the hard liquor was the worst. he 8 times out of 10 he would drink until he would fall over or puke and pass out. the family doctor diagnosed him with alcohol abuse issue approximately 7 years ago - right after he tried to hang me with the phone cord.

 

as for the pot - he is a chronic....he smoked it everyday, on his way to work, on his way home and all night. he is a long-haul truck driver and the dispatch team always gives me notification of the infamous "pee test" so he can sober up (from the pot) for a week and pass the test.

 

abuse - for the first few years of our relationship it was really rocky...after the phone cord incident, his father stepped in and told him if he ever laid a hand on a woman again he would be disowned. (he respects his father a lot, his biological mother abandoned him at the age of 5 years and he hasn't seen her since)

 

i myself have difficultly defining emotional and verbal abuse so i will give you some examples and you can decide for yourself. if he was angry with anything, he would slam doors, kick my dog, and/or break my belongings -- the worst would be when he would ignore me....i would say "what's wrong?" and he would turn up the TV and pretend i didn't exist....sometimes for days.

 

name calling: you name it, i've been called it. *ock whore, whore, *unt, retarded mother......"pretty on the outside, ugly on the inside"...."only a *uck to him and anyone else".

 

nothing i did was right....not enough food, too much food, not enough variety of food...not enough sex, than when i would come on to him he would say, you're such a turn-off. he once said everytime he hears the bath running his stomach turns because he knows i'm gonna interrupt Bob Villa.

 

he loved to yell, the louder the better - my ears would ring. and when he would yell he would get right into my face or push by me when i was talking and squell out of the driveway.

 

we once had a disagreement at the local Home Depot and when we left in his car, i said - do not drive crazy or me and our daughter are getting out of the car at the first light. he squelled out of the lot and ran every red light until we got home.

 

so why stay??? i held onto the moments of kindness....from Jan to July 04, he sent me flowers to my work (never did this before) he sent a Valentine's Card with the words underlined (like he really read it)...he left notes and once (2 weeks) before he left he seemed unhappy again and I asked him if he was leaving me again - he said No, i can't leave the two people who i love so much ---- i just have to sort stuff out.

 

he has left numerous times, usually it is to go on a bender and he would return - financially i needed his assistance - so each time i would take him back.

 

this time, i sensed it was different. he did return 1 week after he left. he let me give him oral sex in the basement, than he pushed me the ground where i hit my head and said "you're just a *uck, keep that in mind when anyone says they love you" and he left.

 

the other thing all should know - i was 5 weeks pregnant when he left. and unexpected pregnancy. i found out the Friday he went on his trip, but i didn't want to surprise him when he returned. on that friday before he left he said "i love you, and when i come back on Sunday everything is going to be great" I said "don't worry about me, i have a reason for re-doing the spare bedroom and you'll have a surprise when you return..."

 

after he left, i started to spot....the dr. was concerned and wanted me to stop working around the house (lawn cutting, garbage, finishing the plumbing - the toilet was broken and he left it broken) i asked him for help.....i begged him for help...he told me to go to toronto and have an abortion. i said if i decide to have an abortion are you going to drive me there and hold my hand and wipe my tears...his response "grow up"

 

i held onto the baby until late September, when i miscarried. i called and told him and he said "good, what did you expect"

 

i can only do the things that i can live with, i returned his stuff because it was the right thing for me to do. i know now that no matter what i returned he would have complained.

 

it is like he has to be mad at me all the time....maybe that is how he copes. i really don't know what i did wrong.....i may never know.

 

yes, i agree that i have no business intervening into the phone calls. when he left my daughter he told her to call him whenever she wanted and left her an in c/o address. i supplied her with the stamps in case she wanted to write, she never did.

 

but Christmas can bring strange emotions and i guess she wanted to reach out to him......it honestly kills me, because he has hurt her so much and has not been here once in the last 4 months to clean up the mess he left - this i know is a selfish thought.......

 

I've talked to her because she wasn't calling him, she is text msging him and he responds by text msg. she was concerned over the cost of the test msging so i offered to pay for the contacts she made to him.

 

i know i can't control what he tells her and she must decide for herself what is honest and what is not......

 

i spent 14 years trying to control external sources (like my ex) and never focussed on myself. Yes, in July I was a basket case.....but i have and will continue to take steps.

 

heck, i even called him yesterday and told him i was aware of the text messages....at first he tried to get angry and accuse me of invading my daughter's personal space -- but i calmly said that i support her decisions and i told him of some of my concerns regarding her behaviors. i told him i would call him if she didn't complete homework etc and was being disciplined. you see my daughter loves to play both sides...telling me one thing and telling him the other. i told my ex we have to parent her together or we both will loose her to the streets.

 

maybe i am again being naive that he will do the right thing...all i can do is try. no matter what happens we share one thing: our daughter.

 

i still loose it every once in awhile (maybe once a day) when my emotions take over and i think of him with his new g/f and often wonder how one person can live with another for 14 years and in less than one week move in with another girl and play house. i wonder if his angry is because he has to be angry with me to do what he has done. i wonder if he ever thinks of me in any other way than being a *itch or a *uck.....

 

sorry for the length, but hopefully there is some clarity.

 

hit the floor - LP

[Mr Spock]

Yes, there is more clarity. I think that you don't know what to do with yourself after 14 years of putting up with that kind of thing. That you're upset at the loss of the relationship not because it was healthy or good but because the unknown is scary, even though it will be far, far better than him. I think you're also mad at yourself for not getting rid of him years ago.....in fact you left things until they were so bad (for both of you apparently) that he was the one that left and that made you feel even worse.

 

Limit your contact with him, that's a start. Only discuss daughter related things, and don't think about his new G/F she's the one who has to deal with him.

 

Don't think about what YOU did wrong-I'm pretty sure he's treating you like extra crap through this because he's a jerk, and he needs to call you down to kill any residual feelings.

 

Look to a future where you don't have to experience hatred.....most relationships aren't like yours.

[hit the floor]

HI,

 

glad the extra details provided some clarity. when i met him i was a street kid - i had left my home at 16 and lived on the streets until i was 19. when i first met him we were both young (19 and 20) and both party animals. i got pregnant quickly (within 3 months of knowing him).

 

once i had my daughter, i knew my life needed to change. so i quit drinking and returned to school, finished high school, college and some university. i am a practising social worker (now isn't that ironic). i have kept my job for 8 years now and i am now a supervisor.

 

my ex, never quit drinking, never returned to school and never kept a job for over a year.

 

our relationship was strange - no shared bank accounts or credit cards, etc. he was a financial mess and i was financially responsible. even though he always made more $$ than me, he had nothing to show for it. he just went bankrupt 6 months ago and they repo'd his car after 4 years of payments.

 

buying this house really strained the relationship. Approximately 4 years ago, he had left me and when he returned he said he was tired of renting and felt we should own. so i said, great.....start an RRSP (we are Canadian) and let's save our 5% down.

 

Last year, the interest rates were very low and we applied for a mortgage. the broker said there was no way we would get approved because he had a poor credit history, substantial debt and was too transitional with a work history. on the other hand, we could submit the application in my name only because i didn't have those barriers. so i did - and i was approved. as for the 5% down, he contributed nothing. i saved the 5% by having it taken off my paycheque and saving every penny i could. he had no $$ to contribute.

 

i titled the house in my name - on my lawyer's advice. i know this angered him - but i told him in five years this house will be re-mortgaged so you have 5 years to hold a job, clear your debt, etc and than you can apply to the mortgage and i will add you to the title. he never thought this was fair.......

 

every argument he would say --- well it is YOUR house, or it is YOUR car or YOUR dog. i never hung the title of house on the wall. the house was as much his as he wanted it to be.

 

you're right, he is all i have known. sometimes people from work would visit me and they would take me aside and say, what the hell are you doing?????

 

i am afraid of the unknown of being alone of trying to trust people....and quite honestly i hate the rejection. when we talked about separating 2 weeks earlier i felt empowered, but he said all the right things and i choose to believe him....this cost me a lot of self-dignity, etc.....

 

rejection bites, especially when you are rejected by someone who is so nasty. it is not like he is banging down my door because he realizes i am not so bad.

 

i will limit my conversations with him - they will only focus on my daughter. And i will only call if I have a concern that she is not being honest.

 

thanks for the reply - hit the floor

[RowanRavyn]

You keep on keepin' on hun.

 

You CAN do this!

[piper27]

Yeap, just be strong =)

 

I would just point out one thing to you - please read the post that you wrote about your ex, and what he did to you and your daughter. Note that the operative sentence is: what he did to you and your daughter. No matter what an a-hole he was, he never did anything to hurt himself, physically or otherwise (well, besides ruining his life that is). In fact, the entire thing seems to smack of self-gratification of short-term wants.

 

So if you have to take a page from his book, don't hurt yourself physically. No more actual blood-letting, ok?