Were firsts, broke up, back together. She has slept with others? Am I being jealous?

[TheOlde]

I'm 23 years old. I understand what I'm getting into. You don't know me or her, this happens to a lot of people. And a lot of people couldn't care less if their partner slept with others during a break. Some care a lot and I just so happen to be one of them.

 

 

Right now, I can tell you I won't forget it for a while. But, right now, I have accepted it. It no longer upsets me anymore and I don't feel any anger like I used too. I see him now and of course I think of it. But, I think to my self why bother thinking about it? Why keep continuing to think these thoughts all the time. It's not going to get me anywhere and just will affect your relationship.

 

So, I don't, I have stopped worrying as much as I did. I now look forward to things we do. She is in exams and I focus on helping her with that and supporting her. When the time comes and I do think of it again and if it does hurt. We will talk again. As I think now I'm literally getting bored of talking about it. I keep asking my self why I worried about it now. She is with me and chose me over them. She took me back and I also took her back after. Of course I do have good reasons to worry about it and some people think I might be screwed up or just mentally blocking or ignoring it. Which I am, no doubt. But, isn't that better than being depressed and killing my self over it and just bringing my self down?

 

I just wanna be happy with her, if it works out then that is great. If it doesn't, well, I have learned from it. I have learned a lot about my self because of all this and so did she.

Edited December 8, 2013 by TheOlde

[gabgab]

You're doing fine OP. Concentrate on your gf and don't let it bother you.

[Try]

I just wanna be happy with her, if it works out then that is great. If it doesn't, well, I have learned from it. I have learned a lot about my self because of all this and so did she.

Great attitude. In your first post you asked how you should deal with it. It appears that you have your answer. Good luck to you and be well.

[Spectre]

There is no truth to this statement. I am truly in love with my wife, but I am still attracted to other women from time to time. I have not cheated on my wife, not because I was not tempted to, but because I respect the vows of my marraige.

 

Yeah maybe I should rephrase: if you are truly in love you won't actually go through with the act of boning other people, irregardless of whether or not you are officially together. You will especially not sleep with this person you are "in love" with and then a week later sleep with another person.

[Try]

Yeah maybe I should rephrase: if you are truly in love you won't actually go through with the act of boning other people, irregardless of whether or not you are officially together. You will especially not sleep with this person you are "in love" with and then a week later sleep with another person.

No matter how in love you are with your partner, if they dump you stating that they "wanted to experience others", which is what the OP told his girlfriend, after the tears (the OP's girlfriend cried for a week), most people would be very vulnerable to the advances of others.

[gabgab]

 

 

I did push her away. The time I broke up with her I told her I wanted to experience others. I told her too also, she cried for a week after. She called me and told me she couldn't. That she loved me and would never be able to move on. It hurt me but I thought I didn't love her. Flash forward, a month has past. I realize I couldn't do it either. I made a huge mistake. I called her and we spent the day together which eventually lead to sex. This happened a few times a week for a while. .

 

Ouch, I somehow missed this...she probably still thinks you want to experience others in the back of her mind...you both don't trust each other apparently.

Edited December 10, 2013 by gabgab

[Spectre]

No matter how in love you are with your partner, if they dump you stating that they "wanted to experience others", which is what the OP told his girlfriend, after the tears (the OP's girlfriend cried for a week), most people would be very vulnerable to the advances of others.

 

Nobody is arguing about vulnerabilities, but that really doesn't mean you'd be sleeping with one guy and then jumping in the sack with another a week later.

 

I'm not saying his telling her he wanted to experience others was a good thing, but then again I won't hold it against him too much since it kinda sounds like she wanted to "experience others" too judging from her behavior afterwards.

 

It is also weird to me that he says he told her to experience others and she told him she "couldn't" but obviously she could since..well, she slept with some dude. It is one thing if she said she tried and it wasn't for her, but he says she told him she said she couldn't do it, not that she did do it and didn't like it. Again I'm not saying she cheated, but there is behavior on both sides to me that brings up some red flags.

Edited December 11, 2013 by Spectre

[Spectre]

Also hold on if I am re-reading the opening post correctly, did she sleep with MORE then one other guy? I was under the impression it was one person, but re-reading it sounds like there were multiple guys.

[TheOlde]

This is where it all gets bad with her as I explain when it was with the guys. But, like if you knew her and what kind of person she is and was then you would understand why I'm giving her a second chance.

 

I seriously wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't for my friends and our mutual friends that are also including adults (40+) that are married and know her. And have told me that I should forgive her and let it go because she is a great girl with a lot of potential and that she just made mistakes and I need to not let that hold me back.

 

She slept with me three weeks prior too my "friend". We got in a bad argument and as far as she and I were concerned that was it. Though I still loved her and she me but we both thought it was done without saying it. And when I say it was done I meant our Friends with benefits as it pretty much was.

 

After three weeks if her story is straight she slept with him. I can literally sit here and type all of what she said and you guys can critic it if you want I seriously will. But, she slept with him, he told it that she was the most awkward and nervous girl he has ever been with. Which to me sounds like he noticed she didn't want to be there and was regretting it and upset about it the whole time. Which just proves to me he used her as a booty call and didn't care about her at all. To tell you the truth I'm glad because that sounds like he barely enjoyed it either.

 

Anyway, this is by far the worst part of the entire event of this. She went to work for her afternoon shift. After two hours she called me which I felt was weird but after almost a month of barely any contact I talked to her. She was bawling her eyes out saying she is upset about stuff and really needs a ride home. I said okay fine, so I get her. I pick her up and she is still bawling. So I ask her whats up, whats the problem? She hesitates, I think nothing of it. She tells me her parents are being *******s to her and her brother again. Which was a very common thing and as I said I think before she had big family issues and a lot of stress. So, I coached her through it and made her feel better. Of course I knew nothing about her earlier activities.

 

I go to my house we hang out for hours talking about random crap. I was trying to keep her mind off her "parents" and make her feel better. And then well late in the evening. Me and her got touchy which eventually lead to well sex. So, Yes that did happen. She had sex with him and me in the same day. That is by far the worst part of it all. When she told me that I if you can believe it wasn't that phased by it as someone should be. I almost didn't know what to think. I mean he used a condom the whole time. I usually don't till the end and that did scare me about STD. But, I know him and he was clean because I knew he got checked twice a week. Which just adds to the type of person he is.

 

When she told me that, she started degrading her self hard. I mean really hard, she called her self a whore and a slut. That she is a low life piece of crap for doing it and it was the worst thing she has ever done to some body. She compared her self to her father. Which is huge, because her father cheated on her mother and she to this day has huge issues with that. So, the compare that if you don't understand the gravity of what she is saying to me. Compare the worst thing a person has ever done to you and then say you just did that to someone you loved and cared about. To me at least knowing how big that was that she compared her self to him doing that. Was a massive reason why I looked past a lot of things because she showed me how much she truly was sorry and regretted the whole situation.

 

 

As for the college person. Me and her slept together on a weekend. The next weekend she slept with him. Her friends told her to and supported it and as I keep saying I told her too that weekend again to go experience college. Well, she did and again she has cried and cried to me about it and I can't really express how she showed me that she was truly actually upset about it.

 

 

So, to answer that question. She has slept with Me, My "friend" and a guy from college. We were not together, we were essentially bang buddies during all of this. I took this a lot harder because I never thought she would actually sleep with anyone for one. I loved her still for two and I never told her. And three because she did it with that "friend". The college person isn't even remotely as hard on my mind as my "friend" is.. almost every question I have for her is about him. I barely even talk about the college person though I have and did talk about it in detail. It may seem screwed up to some but, knowing the details for me brings comfort. Because, it helps me not think about what they might of done or did. Now after two full months of being back together and messaging and skyping for hours a day. We have really worked a lot of things out. That also means past problems of our own and not even just this stuff. She comes home this weekend. Which will be almost two months since she told me. When she does, were going to talk about it in person face to face and resolve it all. Once, I do, I'm going to do everything I can to put it behind me. I know she will too. Then I will just move on with our relationship and I want that more than anything.

Edited December 11, 2013 by TheOlde

[Spectre]

Wait dude she slept with you and another guy in the same day?!

 

Dude, I'm sorry, and I realize you care about this girl, but I don't think it matters what others say about how they know her and how this isn't like her, etc. Actions speak louder then words. I honestly cannot understand why would want to be in a serious relationship with a girl like that.

 

Come on man! She boned you and him the same day. Why do you want to be with a girl like that? She sleeps around, she bones other dudes the same day she bones you. I hate to say it man, but that isn't some girl just acting "vulnerable"..that is some pretty skanky behavior.

 

Just holy crap man, I honestly can't believe you want to stay with a girl who boned you and your friend the same day, REGARDLESS of if you were together. That is some shady sh*t. You can have these other people telling you she "just made mistakes" but I call BS on that made. She made CHOICES. She screwed you and your friend the same day! I just can't get over that, get out of this relationship while you can.

 

You seem like a nice guy, so you deserve better. I know you may love her a lot, I know you may be telling yourself this behavior is not like her(I went through the same thing), but you just have to keep reminding yourself: she banged you and your friend the same day and then not long after was banging other dudes, all while supposedly still "in love" with you? I hate to keep repeating this, but she slept with you and your friend in the same day, that is frankly disgusting to me even if she did use a condom. That needs to be your mantra man, I honestly would get out of the relationship before you get in even deeper.

 

Save yourself some pain, this girl has several red flags, I don't care what her adult friends over 40 tell you, her actions are clear as day. I mean, where do you see this heading? Do you really want to end up married to a chick like this or something? I'm sorry, it's just..ok the "I was vulnerable and had sex after we broke up" is one thing, but banging you and your friend the same day? Ugh..I feel bad for you man. I think you need to get these people out of your life. The girl and the friends who betrayed you by sleeping with her. I don't mean to sound harsh to you or make you feel bad if you choose to stay with her, but I am telling you I have experienced similar things..I really am trying to spare you a lot of future pain. I'm sorry man, it sucks enough when your girl does something like this, but then when she does it with people you thought were your friends? Like I said..ugh.

Edited December 12, 2013 by Spectre

[TheOlde]

Trust me when i say this has been on my mind and I'm being cautious. She isn't going to cheat or sleep around while with Mr so I'm not worried about that. But she did do that not against me though. Sorry I'm on my cell and typing fast but I still stand by that it was then and it was a mistake and she and I will discuss that in full when she is back.

[Chi townD]

Trust me when i say this has been on my mind and I'm being cautious. She isn't going to cheat or sleep around while with Mr so I'm not worried about that. But she did do that not against me though. Sorry I'm on my cell and typing fast but I still stand by that it was then and it was a mistake and she and I will discuss that in full when she is back.

 

If she want's to call it a "mistake" then fine! Then she made a "mistake". But, that's a mistake that you don't have to live with.

 

I'm sorry dude. But, that's pretty bad. She couldn't have been torn up about it too much because she felt comfortable enough to do it again. It may not have been the same day, but she was with someone else within a week of being with you. And what happens when you get into another fight and you remove yourself from the situation so you don't say anything you'll regret. Will she take that as a sign that she thought it was over and jump into bed with someone else?

 

I seriously think you need to start thinking with your brain and not your heart.

[TheOlde]

For all of this time, that all of this happened. We were not together, as far as the situation was. We were just bang buddies or friends with benefits. All we did for months was have sex and barley did anything past that but watch a movie or two together. I don't know if that makes that sound any better. But, what she told me when I repeatedly ask her why in the f*** would you not tell me before I started getting intimate with her. Was that she was afraid and scared and didn't know what to do. Now, I can see that because as I said before at the time I picked her up. She was losing it like hysterically crying. I have not seen her that upset since the day I met her. When I picked her up that day from work after she did that like I can't explain how emotional was. So, that to me sounds like she had no intentions on sleeping with me that day.

 

 

How I see it is. I made her feel comfortable again. As I said before, I thought it was all her parents crap that was making her upset. So, from the minute I picked her up till late in the night that day. I did everything I could to make her feel better and more comfortable. I ESSENTIALLY did exactly what my friend did with her minus the intention on trying to get in her pants. So, again, she was vulnerable and I made her feel comfortable and I as I remember started it. YES of course I agree with you all that she should of told me. For everything I have I realize that I know that more than anyone. I experienced it man, first hand. It's on my mind now that it happened probably for a long time. But, it keeps on coming back to me liking her enough to give her another chance. I don't know what you guys are getting at besides the fact maybe your worried about her cheating or doing it again. But, right now this is what I'm doing. I'm going to give it another go. F*** all the crap that happened. I know she has the up most regret for it and I couldn't really ask for more than that from her.

 

I know she won't cheat. I know that and I will never worry about that. IF things do not work out between us then that's it. It's over and I'm done with it. I gave it another shot and well it didn't work out. If she wants to jump onto another guy again. So be it, because she won't be part of my life anymore. I'll move on and I won't have any regrets for trying again. Because as I said just above I gave it a shot for love. And well that's all I have to say I guess.

Edited December 12, 2013 by TheOlde

[OnlyHonesty]

So she slept around after you guys broke up because she wanted comfort? What ever happened to a big tub of chocolate and a few of the girls enjoying a night in watching chick flicks?

 

From what I have read, you are in for a very rude awakening. You have placed this girl on a pedestal, you have high trust for a LDR at college, (two words I might only see together in a comedy show) and you keep on making excuses or saying you pushed her away.

 

It seems people need very little excuses to sleep around nowadays. It doesn't matter what anyone says here, you will learn in your own time anyway.

[Space Ritual]

I know she won't cheat. I know that and I will never worry about that.

 

 

IDK what you want to ask then....

 

see you after the holidays when you discover something else....because I am petty sure now there will be more to divulge to you on her part. the Holidays are coming up and she probably has surprise for you...lol

[Spectre]

For all of this time, that all of this happened. We were not together, as far as the situation was. We were just bang buddies or friends with benefits.

 

I realize this, but I still find it shady. Also didn't she claim she loved you during this time?

 

All we did for months was have sex and barley did anything past that but watch a movie or two together. I don't know if that makes that sound any better.

 

To be honest no it doesn't make it sound better.

 

But, what she told me when I repeatedly ask her why in the f*** would you not tell me before I started getting intimate with her. Was that she was afraid and scared and didn't know what to do.

 

More red flags man, why on earth are you even with this girl?! She was scared? Not scared enough to have sex. She didn't know what to do? Bull, she knew exactly what to do and just didn't want to do it, showing a complete lack of respect for you.

 

Now, I can see that because as I said before at the time I picked her up. She was losing it like hysterically crying. I have not seen her that upset since the day I met her. When I picked her up that day from work after she did that like I can't explain how emotional was. So, that to me sounds like she had no intentions on sleeping with me that day.

 

I don't think her intentions matter much compared to her actions. Did she intend to sleep with your friend? What about the other guys she slept with, did she intend to do that?

 

Also don't let her crying fool you. Sex isn't something that just happens with the snap of a finger. She had PLENTY of time to realize what she was doing and stop, she chose not to.

 

How I see it is. I made her feel comfortable again. As I said before, I thought it was all her parents crap that was making her upset. So, from the minute I picked her up till late in the night that day. I did everything I could to make her feel better and more comfortable. I ESSENTIALLY did exactly what my friend did with her minus the intention on trying to get in her pants. So, again, she was vulnerable and I made her feel comfortable and I as I remember started it.

 

Dude re-read what you just typed. Why on earth are you even with a girl like this?! Think about what you just said, you basically were doting on her a lot, and she let you do it..even though she'd just banged your friend. Then she has sex with you and doesn't tell you until afterwards. That is messed up. How long after she slept with your friend did she sleep with you?

 

But, it keeps on coming back to me liking her enough to give her another chance.

 

Hold on do you just like her or love her?

 

I don't know what you guys are getting at besides the fact maybe your worried about her cheating or doing it again.

 

We are getting at the fact you put this girl on an undeserved pedestal. I know you will say you aren't, but I think you can agree you might be a little bias when it comes to this case. Things like blaming it on her being "vulnerable" and saying how a lot of people you know say how awesome she is, etc.

 

I know she has the up most regret for it

 

For me this would be a case of too little too late.

 

I know she won't cheat. I know that and I will never worry about that.

 

I think you're being a tad bit naive here. Going from her behavior I don't think cheating would be off the table. What happens next time she is feeling "vulnerable" and you aren't around?

 

IF things do not work out between us then that's it. It's over and I'm done with it. I gave it another shot and well it didn't work out. If she wants to jump onto another guy again. So be it, because she won't be part of my life anymore. I'll move on and I won't have any regrets for trying again. Because as I said just above I gave it a shot for love. And well that's all I have to say I guess.

 

Well obviously I can't stop you..but I truly would encourage you to drop this chick before you get your heart broken man. I know you might not see it, but pretty much all the signs are there..I think you're just blinded by your feelings for her. I went through the same thing, I had people pointing out things about my ex, trying to get me to wise up, but I ignored it because I loved her. Later on after we broke up and some time had passed..I realized every single thing they were saying was true, and I felt foolish for having missed these signs myself.

 

I get what you're saying about a shot at love, but sometimes you need to be careful which gambles you make with love and which ones you don't. By this I mean, I did take a "shot" with my ex, and the end result was me ending up heavily jaded about women and about relationships. It caused me to pass up chances to get to know other girls merely because the pain of cheating was still there and it gave me trust issues.

 

Some women are worth the risk, but I feel yours..is not. Her behavior towards you tells me that. She was completely and utterly disrespectful you. Essentially I think you are in for some massive heartbreak if you pursue this relationship any further. I think deep down maybe you know that too.

 

Also I found this from your original post:

 

But, I know this girl and I love her and I know she loves me equally.

 

I really can't see how this is true at all. You seem to love her A LOT, to the point where you seem to ignore massive red flags. She on the other hand is sleeping with multiple guys in the same day, letting you dote on her whilst knowing she just had some other dude inside her, and then slept with you without telling you what she did.

 

Anyways, I wish you luck and I do hope you realize you deserve better then this girl. There are plenty of fish in the sea and some of them will actually treat you with respect.

Edited December 14, 2013 by Spectre