My Mother doesn't seem to understand why my husband wants a divorce

[ShannonBanana]

I am living with my mother for the moment and the arrangement has worked out very well. I am happy and love living here. The problem is that she doesn't believe my husband actually wants the divorce he has asked for. She keeps suggesting to me that I should do more to keep him in my life by dropping him emails or inviting him to X-mas.

 

Now, my husband has only said he wants a divorce for the past 5.5 months. Yes, he misses me but he has given no indication that he is changing his mind. And we are now living in different countries. I have told my husband on many occasions that I do not want this separation before I came back home, even after the day I moved back to the States I told him I prefer to make a happy marriage with him. But of course he said 'no' and this is what is best for him. So, I move on with my life.

 

When I remind my mother of this she thinks that because it's been 2 months since I said that to him that he needs another reminder from me that I still don't want a divorce. And that should solve it.

 

I'm at a point now that I almost want to have her talk to him about it so she will believe either him or me and leave me alone about it. I wish I didn't have to field these suggestions though I know she wants the best for me. Sometimes it I end up feeling like I haven't done enough or wondering if I should be doing more.

 

Is it fair to have him talk to her about it? Maybe by email? I don't want him to have to defend himself but she is stuck on believing he is just hurt and feels their is no way out of the pain from our marriage other than to divorce. She just flat out refuses to believe this is what he wants and that he isn't going to change his mind.

 

Also, the pain was largely mine due to emotional abuse. Hubby saw no way or desire to change his behaviours and blamed me. And that pain of mine made the marriage unhappy for both of us.

Edited December 4, 2013 by ShannonBanana

[Yarrow]

I'm so glad my parents have been supportive of me.

 

The only person so far who has told me that I should take my STBX back was my grandmother. What she said pretty much boiled down to, "He must have another woman. That's the only reason he could have left you. Don't worry. When he finds out that she's only after his money, he'll come back to you. And then you can take him back!"

 

"Uh.., but Nana, I don't want him back!"

 

"My dear, you must understand that all men are like that, and there's nothing we can do about it. We women simply must bear it."

 

Yeah... I think she just comes from a different generation, and in the old country, I'm sure women didn't have many options and had to put up with stuff like that. In the end, I just told her that if he came crawling back, I'd think about it. You can't argue with Nana, and he's not ever coming back, so it doesn't matter. Could generational and cultural background have something to do with why your mother thinks you should try to get him back? Or was he her favorite or something?

 

I don't think there is anything to be gained by having her talk to him. You say that he has a history of emotional abuse and blame-shifting. He could very easily tell your mother that he left because you didn't do this or that and if only you had kept yourself prettier/cooked better/nagged less/thanked him more/kept a cleaner house he wouldn't have left. And then your mother could be on your case to do all those things. I would just say that he suggested the divorce, and if he really wanted to be with you, he would be, and he isn't. You may not have communicated formally, but his actions are speaking his intent for him, and then tell her that you are taking steps to prepare for if he never comes back.

[amaysngrace]

Yeah invite him to Christmas by email and when he replies to you show it to your mom. But don't let him know you'll be sharing the email. This way he can be the real him.

[alonefornow]

Also, the pain was largely mine due to emotional abuse. Hubby saw no way or desire to change his behaviours and blamed me. And that pain of mine made the marriage unhappy for both of us.

 

Whoa whoa whoa. Why are you blaming yourself for being unhappy being abused? No one should have to endure abuse, and it is not your fault for being unhappy being mistreated.

 

As for your mother, don't let her tell you what to do. You should be focused on yourself and improving your life. If you feel like emailing your husband then do, if not then don't. Thank her politely for the advice and then ask her to drop it.

[GuyInLimbo]

Since when is your mom's opinion relevant to the matter? Was SHE married to the guy? No. Tell her to mind her business.

 

And I also agree with Alone. STOP blaming yourself for an abusive person's behavior!

[HokeyReligions]

Tell your mom he's gay.

[ShannonBanana]

Blaming myself is the most stubborn problem that I have at this point. I don't even consciously do it! Just the blame comes right out of my mouth like it's assumed.

 

I wonder if doing this is the only way I can wrap my head around his decision or if I feel like I have more control by blaming myself for a situation that makes me feel so helpless to stop.

[ShannonBanana]

I decided this morning to stop paying attention to what my mom says. What she says has no bearing on anything with my marriage and ultimately it doesn't matter what she thinks. I will not substitute her judgements for my own.