Is there redemption for cheaters?

[lookingglass88]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to put this post, but I just wanted to get my story out there, because I've really been struggling lately.

 

My boyfriend and I were dating for about 11 months before we left for college. Our colleges are about 6 hours away from each other, so it was a long distance commitment but not a plane ride away or anything. Going into college I was nervous about our relationship. We were crazy in love and had big dreams for the future-we were really close because we had been best friends before dating, and dreamed of getting married someday and staying together "forever." But with the crazy love came a lot of jealousy and trust issues. I had never done anything to justify my boyfriend's jealousy-but it persisted nonetheless. He wasn't comfortable with me going to a party by myself, wasn't comfortable with me drinking when he wasn't there, didn't want me talking to/being facebook friends with/having the numbers in my phone of anyone I had had a past relationship with or hooked up with, and on numerous occasions when I would break one of these rules by accident (for instance, talking to someone I once kissed at a party years ago) he would become extremely angry and upset. I loved him so much, and when we were together alone everything was magical. We were best friends and crazy about each other, and I had never opened up to anyone the way I opened up to him. But the jealousy and the trust issues were really getting to me, especially since I didn't feel like I deserved to be treated that way, and I didn't feel like my emotions were valued in the relationship; just his.

When I got to college, the first few days were crazy. I found myself busy and making new friends, and when my boyfriend texted me all the time I found it more annoying than comforting. He got mad at me for going out, for not texting him enough. I was stressed and anxious and ended up asking him for a break, which he insisted be "exclusive." Five days later, I went out with friends, got too drunk, kissed one of my friends who I had a crush on, felt happy that night, and woke up horrified.

I had no idea what to do. I told my friends and roommates about this relationship I had ruined, with each conversation describing it as more and more damaging. It seemed like I had "cheated to break up" and needed to get out of the relationship. Everyone agreed the best thing to do would be to break up-even I thought that staying with him would only be out of guilt and that wouldn't be right. I told my boyfriend right away and he was expectedly livid, calling me names, threatening suicide...he wanted to stay together. I didn't. We saw each other in person in our hometown and I broke up with him. After I got back to college the angry upset texts were incessant, and I had to ask for a communication break. I couldn't handle the guilt and sadness. For 3 weeks we didn't talk. In those three weeks, I remembered good times together. I remembered how much I loved him. And I felt ashamed for ignoring and rebuffing his efforts to fix things three weeks earlier. I texted him after the 3 week period ended to say I missed him and I wanted to fix things. His response was "I hate you."

Since then, I've made considerable efforts to fix things, even traveling to his college to stay with him for a night. Every time we see each other in person we end up kissing and things feel like normal. But every time we separate he's angry and upset with me and vacillates between wanting me to 'win him back' and feeling the need to break up before that's even possible.

Right now he's ignoring me, responding every once in a while. All I send him are positive messages, trying to say how sorry I am, how much I regret my mistakes, how much I love/care about him, how I want things between us to be wonderful (and when I say that I don't mean how they were before, but better somehow.) All I send him is positivity. He's been in therapy since it happened, but I recently started therapy to take a good hard look at myself and figure out what happened so it doesn't happen again.

The last text he sent me was that he talked to a friend (apparently a girl, a new friend at college) and she said I was "selfish and crazy" and if I really loved him I never would have betrayed him. Is this true? Isn't there redemption after mistakes? I'm finding it hard to believe that it's impossible to cheat and still love someone with all your heart, but a lot of online testimonial seems to suggest otherwise.

I know he may never forgive me, but I would regret it forever if I didn't at least try to win back this person I love. Has anyone succeeded in this? Am I lying to myself? Am I selfish and crazy? Someone plz help. I'm so sad.

[BOREDouttaMymind]

first off..

 

learn the first rule of relationships... don't be so dramatic.

 

honesty is best right? so here it is..

 

you wont 'regret it forever if..'. youre telling me youre going to be thinking of this when youre 87 years old and pooping your pants?

 

you made a crappy mistake. ya crappy. deal with it. learn from it. hear me? I said LEARN from it.. and move on. period.

[Whyareyoumyfox]

This is the kind of relationship I'm in right now... Except that I've BECOME embittered by what my boyfriend has done to me. Before I found out what he did, I had no trust issues, never got jealous, never second-guessed his actions, NONE of that. But what he did... It changed me. I don't know who I am anymore, I've grown to hate myself. Yet, I can't find myself to leave him, and I hate myself even more for that. The thing is, he has tried so hard to gain my trust back, and he really is a great guy, but nothing works. I've become so insecure by what he did to me. I truly do hate myself. I feel like as if this is more of a permanent change, and that things won't ever be the same.

 

Your boyfriend shouldn't have had any trust issues with you to begin with, seeing as you two were crazy in love with each other, but I do understand how he feels after you've cheated on him.

 

This is just coming from one person, but I'm sorry to say that I don't think it'll get any better. There are many times when I'd wish for my boyfriend to cheat on me once more, believing that it'll give me the strength, that extra push, that'll convince me to leave him, because I simply do not have the strength to do so myself right now. Either this, or that he'll just do it himself and break up the relationship. I feel stuck. Maybe you should do your boyfriend some good and break up with him, for HIS sake.

[Space Ritual]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to put this post, but I just wanted to get my story out there, because I've really been struggling lately.

 

My boyfriend and I were dating for about 11 months before we left for college. Our colleges are about 6 hours away from each other, so it was a long distance commitment but not a plane ride away or anything. Going into college I was nervous about our relationship. We were crazy in love and had big dreams for the future-we were really close because we had been best friends before dating, and dreamed of getting married someday and staying together "forever." But with the crazy love came a lot of jealousy and trust issues. I had never done anything to justify my boyfriend's jealousy-but it persisted nonetheless. He wasn't comfortable with me going to a party by myself, wasn't comfortable with me drinking when he wasn't there, didn't want me talking to/being facebook friends with/having the numbers in my phone of anyone I had had a past relationship with or hooked up with, and on numerous occasions when I would break one of these rules by accident (for instance, talking to someone I once kissed at a party years ago) he would become extremely angry and upset. I loved him so much, and when we were together alone everything was magical. We were best friends and crazy about each other, and I had never opened up to anyone the way I opened up to him. But the jealousy and the trust issues were really getting to me, especially since I didn't feel like I deserved to be treated that way, and I didn't feel like my emotions were valued in the relationship; just his.

When I got to college, the first few days were crazy. I found myself busy and making new friends, and when my boyfriend texted me all the time I found it more annoying than comforting. He got mad at me for going out, for not texting him enough. I was stressed and anxious and ended up asking him for a break, which he insisted be "exclusive." Five days later, I went out with friends, got too drunk, kissed one of my friends who I had a crush on, felt happy that night, and woke up horrified.

I had no idea what to do. I told my friends and roommates about this relationship I had ruined, with each conversation describing it as more and more damaging. It seemed like I had "cheated to break up" and needed to get out of the relationship. Everyone agreed the best thing to do would be to break up-even I thought that staying with him would only be out of guilt and that wouldn't be right. I told my boyfriend right away and he was expectedly livid, calling me names, threatening suicide...he wanted to stay together. I didn't. We saw each other in person in our hometown and I broke up with him. After I got back to college the angry upset texts were incessant, and I had to ask for a communication break. I couldn't handle the guilt and sadness. For 3 weeks we didn't talk. In those three weeks, I remembered good times together. I remembered how much I loved him. And I felt ashamed for ignoring and rebuffing his efforts to fix things three weeks earlier. I texted him after the 3 week period ended to say I missed him and I wanted to fix things. His response was "I hate you."

Since then, I've made considerable efforts to fix things, even traveling to his college to stay with him for a night. Every time we see each other in person we end up kissing and things feel like normal. But every time we separate he's angry and upset with me and vacillates between wanting me to 'win him back' and feeling the need to break up before that's even possible.

Right now he's ignoring me, responding every once in a while. All I send him are positive messages, trying to say how sorry I am, how much I regret my mistakes, how much I love/care about him, how I want things between us to be wonderful (and when I say that I don't mean how they were before, but better somehow.) All I send him is positivity. He's been in therapy since it happened, but I recently started therapy to take a good hard look at myself and figure out what happened so it doesn't happen again.

The last text he sent me was that he talked to a friend (apparently a girl, a new friend at college) and she said I was "selfish and crazy" and if I really loved him I never would have betrayed him. Is this true? Isn't there redemption after mistakes? I'm finding it hard to believe that it's impossible to cheat and still love someone with all your heart, but a lot of online testimonial seems to suggest otherwise.

I know he may never forgive me, but I would regret it forever if I didn't at least try to win back this person I love. Has anyone succeeded in this? Am I lying to myself? Am I selfish and crazy? Someone plz help. I'm so sad.

 

Well always remember that Long Distance Relationships require a lot of trust. What happened in your case is not unlike many others who go off to college and experiencing the lifestyle for the first time(or even if it's not the first time) lends itself to not the best of behaviors. There is a huge amount of temptation especially when you re going to parties, getting drunk, high, whatever. It is like I commented on another thread of someone who is in the reverse position....College people party get wasted, and screw around. So it's not real conducive to maintaining a long distance relationship. It is hard for anyone but with college....a rarity.

 

That being said, even though I do not condone your initial actions, (I myself was cheated on 3 weeks before I was to be married and got to walk in on the act in my own bed...) I will say that your best course of action would be to probably end this relationship for good.

 

As the previous poster said, It won't get any better. Matter of fact in my opinion after what you have written it is only going to go further downhill from this point on. He already has someone he is confiding in about your relationship so at best you will have a 3rd party involved. At worst he will revenge cheat on you. All signs point in that direction. And it will become a "tit for tat" situation. And that is no good for either of you.

 

 

Please move forward and learn from the experience that Long Distance relationships at this stage of your life simply are not going to work out.

 

Good Luck.

[Fluttershy]

The big problem I can safely say is not that you kissed some other guy while drunk and felt terrible the next day that you cheated on your boyfriend who you were on an exclusive break from. While that was wrong and I am glad you feel sorry for it and I am in no way justifying it, your boyfriens's behaviour is borderline psychologically abusive. He made you feel like crap for doing nothing for I am guessing a long time. That sort of behaviour is not healthy. I think you need to figure out why you feel you deserved that pre-cheating. And I think you need to stop focusing on the good memories but work on putting it behind you.

Even if you hadn't finally confirmed his fears his jealousy and insecurties would have only mounted. Male co-workers, the fathers of your future children's friends, your bff's husband's, the neighbor, would all have raised his suspiceons. His insecurities and behaviours could have grown to unmanagable levels.

Now that you have cheated, even though a rational person could see the whole picture, he feels justified in his jealousy and he would, by how you have painted him, hold it over your head for the rest of your time together.

I'm sorry your hurting. I know it is hard. But unless he show signs of truely changing I think you should just walk away from him.

And yes, their is redemption for cheaters. You don't have to be defined for the rest of your life by that one night. And you don't want to be with anyone who would.

Take care.

[lookingglass88]

Thanks to everyone for your responses! Safe to say I'm in a much better place emotionally now, although I haven't stopped talking to him. I've definitely put the drama behind me, as @BORED suggested, I agree. Being dramatic in relationships definitely not good.

 

@Whyareyoumyfox it's good to hear from the other person's point of view, even if it hurts to hear. Sometimes I get in this mindset where I think that my ex must be crazy to be so mad at me but I KNOW that this sort of thing really ruins relationships and sometimes you really can't come back from it. I'm really sorry for your situation with your boyfriend, I hope it gets better

 

And thanks to @fluttershy for the perspective on the jealousy issues, they've really scared me in the past and still scare me, and I do need to think about how they would have manifested in the relationship in later years had I not done anything wrong even. Helps to not think wistfully about how it would have been **perfect**

[Kate9292]

But with the crazy love came a lot of jealousy and trust issues. I had never done anything to justify my boyfriend's jealousy-but it persisted nonetheless. He wasn't comfortable with me going to a party by myself, wasn't comfortable with me drinking when he wasn't there, didn't want me talking to/being facebook friends with/having the numbers in my phone of anyone I had had a past relationship with or hooked up with, and on numerous occasions when I would break one of these rules by accident (for instance, talking to someone I once kissed at a party years ago) he would become extremely angry and upset.

But the jealousy and the trust issues were really getting to me, especially since I didn't feel like I deserved to be treated that way, and I didn't feel like my emotions were valued in the relationship; just his.

When I got to college, the first few days were crazy. I found myself busy and making new friends, and when my boyfriend texted me all the time I found it more annoying than comforting. He got mad at me for going out, for not texting him enough. I was stressed and anxious and ended up asking him for a break, which he insisted be "exclusive."

told my boyfriend right away and he was expectedly livid, calling me names, threatening suicide...he wanted to stay together

I told my friends and roommates about this relationship I had ruined

No you didn't. He ruined it long before.

 

What a charmer...

 

Why do you even try to win him back?

 

The last text he sent me was that he talked to a friend (apparently a girl, a new friend at college) and she said I was "selfish and crazy" and if I really loved him I never would have betrayed him. Is this true? Isn't there redemption after mistakes? I'm finding it hard to believe that it's impossible to cheat and still love someone with all your heart, but a lot of online testimonial seems to suggest otherwise.

 

It is possible to redempt after mistakes. But he'd have to a bigger man than he is. If he's "a man" at all...

Edited January 12, 2014 by Kate9292

[ChessPieceFace]

No. /forum