please help

[25yroldwife]

I'm here again...Not feeling to proud, rather depressed I think. I'm in love with another man.

I'm not in love with my husband anymore. I haven't been in love with him for a very long time, and it's been before I met the other man.

Should I tell this other man how I feel about him or just leave it?

 

When I tell my husband I no longer love him,,,it's like he doens't take me serioulsy. Why?

He still comes up and tries to kiss me and stuff and pretnds nothing is wrong!? I can't belive it..why is he in denial? How do I leave a loveless marriage? And how can he still be so in love with me, when I'm not with him? And why on earth would he still wnat to be with me so bad, even though I don't wnat tp be with him?

 

Someone, please help me....

[TMCM]

You posted once before and the folks here gave you excellent advice but you never replied back, why should people respond and repeat what they have already told you?

 

TMCM

[25yroldwife]

Hi there, I did get you msg. And I am looking for help and advice-not ppl telling me what an awful person I am.

I already know that.

 

So I'm asking you now from experience,,are you married,seperated,divorced? Like I said, I'm not in love with him anymore, he doens't take me serioulsy. Why not? Is is just easier /cheaper for us to live together then actually seperate?

 

Like I say any advice would be greatly apprecaited-without telling me i'm terrible.

 

Thank you.

[indigo_moon]

According to your name, you're young..........how long have you been married?

 

Why did you marry your husband?

 

What does marriage mean to you?

 

The fact that you love someone else only complicates the situation.......you're simply not able to see things objectively. Nevermind this other man.........let him go........so that you can be honest with how you feel.

 

Why don't you love your husband anymore? Love doesn't just fade away or disappear............you obviously (I would assume) married him because you thought he was a great man and you loved him..........so what's changed?

 

You made a commitment to your husband and to your marriage. Have you gone for marriage counselling? What have you actually DONE to try and recapture the love you feel is lost?

[immoralist]

Falling out of love with someone is not a blameworthy state. It is not cause for condemnation. People fall in love, and out of love, every hour of every day regardless of their marital status. People don't deserve praise for falling in love. Likewise, people don't deserve censure for losing attraction, love and lust for a partner. If Dr. Phil and his moral minions want to lecture me about why I should remain in a chronically loveless marriage, I say fu#k'em all. The Great Oz is not walking in my shoes, I am. I will not allow the quality of life to approach zero for the sake of some Moral Ideal.

 

Separate from your husband and , after the waiting period expires, divorce him. Reiterate to your husband that this is not a debate: In your mind, and in your felt experience, you know that your marriage is over, done, ended. Make this point perfectly clear, and then follow it up with appropriate action--separation and divorce.

 

You're young--get on with your life.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Love does fade. It does die. And when it is gone, it is gone - being married doesn't magically keep love alive, nor is marriage an excuse to let society pressure you into staying in a situation where you are unhappy, and know that you will never be happy. If you are absolutely sure that you want out, then there are ways out.

 

I feel really bad for you in this situation. I expect that you feel guilty: not necessarily for cheating on your husband, but guilty for not loving him in the first place like everyone insists that you should. Not only are you married to a man you don't love, you will be continually pressured to "give it a chance". People are far more concerned with preserving the 'sanctity of marriage' than they are the mental health and happiness of the individuals involved in the marriage.

 

That's how people can look a desperately unhappy person in the face and say "but you are married, you should give it a chance because you once loved someone enough to marry them"- when all you want to do is leave. Its a vicious trap. You will be guilted and shamed into staying in a marriage simply because of what it is. You will be stuck with a man you do not love, and your husband will be stuck with a wife who does not love him.

 

Fortunately, there are ways out. First, you have to be honest with your husband. If it takes a mediation counselor to make it serious, then so be it. Set up an appointment with a counselor. Through this third party, you have to tell your husband that you do not love him and that you are serious about it, and do not wish to reconcile. Allow your husband to say his piece. Maybe, just maybe with some talking out, you may decide that you want to stay married - or, you may not. Maybe that is what it will take - an objective third party mediation between you two.

 

If you know 100% that you want out - at least give the counseling a shot. If it still doesn't work out, then at least you can say that you tried.

[25yroldwife]

Thanks for all your replies-I juust wnat to talk about it so I love the fact that yous got back to me.

 

See I was never like this. It all started last Januray. Something happened-I got depressed, none of his support was there. He didn't care. He wouldn't even wnat to talk about it. (i actaully tired overdosing) I was in hospital, counselling etc. When I thought things were going to get better...it didnb't. Afetr everything my counsellor gave my husband Literature to read on *Living with a spouse with Depression*. He got that information and put it on the table, never read it-i told him too if he cared baout me,,*he says what's the point it all says the smaehting thing*.

 

So ok, I think then I got over my depression, then now in a slump living with an uncaring husband, that just wnats to be with me still because *i'm a wife* and what will ppl think of him if he doens't have one anymore?

All we do now is fight.

I have lost alot of weight -properly(cause I am/was trying) He also doens'

t lime my new lifestyle, I'm outdoorsy now and enjoy getting out. He doens't.

 

But I met this other man Last March we have been sexual since just like once a month-But I am honestly trying to cut it off,,,It is so hard,,I can't do it,,why? this is destroying me. Maybe cause it's something to look forward too.

 

I am young,,all my famil and friends are in thunder bay ontraio. So i think that' spart of it too. All of HIS family is here so he has all the support in the world.

 

I just wnat him to be able to take this maturaly, and agree that feelings are lost. We are going around in circles. This has been going on/ and been trying for a YR now,,, I've had enough.

 

Here is a rundown on my life now:

Employed full time as a sports manager

certified personal trainer(which I just recived and very proud of myself for this accomplishemnet)

have a 2 yr old daughter

so i keep busy.

There was a time when I always looked forward to my husband, coming home form work,etc,,loved him to death.

Now, no more,, don't wnat to hug him, kiss him..anything,,,

I love him,,want him to be happy,,but not in love with him....

I'm gonna try talking to him again,,,We have been married 4.5 yrs.

Do i just tell him that when I save up a little more money I am going to move out? How do I go about this?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by 25yroldwife

How do I go about this?

 

By scheduling an appointment with a relationship counselor. Sometimes the things that need to be said are best said through a mediator.

[TMCM]

My XWW [first wife] was also a sick woman who had multiple affairs. I finally divorced her, and got physical custody of our daughters. She did not want to admit that she was sick and continued on her self destructive lifestyle even after the divorce. But a few months later she tried to commit suicide and had to be institutionalized. She finally had hit rock bottom and admitted to herself that she needed help. She entered therapy and was able to finally end her self destructive behavior. It's too late for us since I remarried and now are in love with a loving and emotionally healthy woman. I am happy for my daughters that their mother has come back from the abyss and is now the mother that they deserve.

 

If you truly don't love your H anymore and have no hope for your marriage, then do yourself and him a favor and divorce him. But please be absolutely sure that this is what you want because the cruelest thing you can do to him [aside from your multiple infidelities] is to later come back and express to him a desire for reconciliation when he is still emotionally recovering. My XW tried reconciling with me after she found out I had started a committed relationship with another woman [my present wife]. Fortunately, I had recovered from the trauma of her cruelty and infidelities and was in love with another woman who I was not going to sacrifice.

 

I started cheating on my husband last march. Since last march I have cheated on him/ sex with 6 different men. One affair is still continuing. Been going on since last march.

 

As I said in my first post to you, you have/are self medicating your depression with extra-marital sex and an affair like an alcoholic self medicates her depression with liquor. If you truly want to become well, you have to end your affair with the OM [other man] NOW because you are in no shape to be involved in any committed relationship at this time. As simplistic as it may sound, the solution to your problem lies within you NOT with another person.

 

TMCM

[indigo_moon]

While it's absolutely correct that a person CAN fall out of love and that being married doesn't just automatically ensure love is there, I asked this person the questions I did because it's a well known fact that when there's another person in the picture (like the guy she's in love with, having an intimate affair with), that can really muddy the waters and that other person makes a person's spouse "pale by comparison"...and totally distort a person's view on what "real love" is. So many people who aren't happy in their marriage go online and find someone else in a chat room or through the personals....or even in real life.......and they confuse that "excitement" and thrill of someone "new" with "love"..and when they compare what they feel with that new person to what they feel for their spouse, they realize the feelings are different and often thereby assume they don't love their spouse anymore. The grass isn't always greener on the other side.

 

Oftentimes when someone (who's married) meets someone else, they're only getting the "good parts" of that other person..........they don't live the humdrum "day to day" life with them............so of course there's no arguments, disagreements, concerns about bills and childrearing and all that.............they just get the fun and excitement and newness and sex and the "good stuff"..............so then naturally life with their spouse seems dull and boring and no good.

 

Love takes work, despite what anyone says. Any 2 people can fall out of love if there's no effort to keep the love alive..........just like marriage takes work...but it's really easy to give up when there's someone else waiting in the wings........that's unfair, it doesn't even give the marriage a chance.

[cetl9]

believe it or not, i've had a very, very similar situation with my wife (and you're even about the same age).

 

We've been together for 6 years, married for 2. I've dodged thrown knives, wrestled razors out of her hands, evaded flying irons, heard 2nd hand stories of her infidelity, and fended off the guys in white suits for her.

 

for her anyway, it's all about self loathing. i'm guessing it's the same for you. you need to stop treating yourself like sh*t, you are a worthwhile human being, do what you can to convince yourself of that. live with who you are, accept your history for what it is. organize and arrange all the sharp pointy thoughts in your head in a safer configuration.

 

step 1 would be to live your life with some dignity. stop seeing your piece on the side. you two can hook up after you've left your husband for real. speaking of him, having been in something resembling his shoes, he isn't behaving this way b/c he doesn't love you, he's behaving indifferently about your depression and destructive tendencies because he has NO IDEA how to handle them. a book isn't going to cut it anyway. you should probably jettison him, he can't or isn't willing to handle your issues.

 

 

anyway, hope this helps, and try not to hurt yourself.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

You say you are not in love with your husband and from your previous messages and this one you have engaged in multiple infidelities and currently having sex with one of your OM. Why not tell him the absolute truth? Since you do not wish him to love you then tell him the truth about how you have been betraying him and putting his health at great risk by having sex with other men behind his back. I am sure this will do the trick.

[nowherefast]

It sounds like you are trying to leave this marriage through the back door by convincing your husband to leave you. This probably is not going to work because it seems like he is very committed to the marriage. If you care at all about him why wouldn't you put an end to this marriage? Do you think that he deserves a chance at a loving wife or is the thought of that keeping you from going out the front door?

[25yroldwife]

Flargen I was wondering if your still married to your wife, and what drove her into this situation?

 

I'm not having sex with my husband at all, haven't been for a long time, and we even still use protection when we were.

I'm trying so hard to make love him again or want to be with him.

I know this is hard for you folks to listen to me, especially TMCM and Flargen, cause your wives did this to you.

I am tying to put this other man out of the picture, and determine how i really feel about him. I'm thinking now it's just exciting and something to look forward too.

 

He is a good husband-he is good to me-maybe I feel like I'm being smothered? God, trust me I hate feeling like this. I cannot stand up getting up in the morning and knowing what's i've done and how i'm feeling.

Sometimes I do feel like telling him the complete truth and just have him say "ok see ya!" Or hope maybe oneday I'll catch him cheating on me. ?

 

I have no idea how I even began this. It just all started with no support from him when I needed him most.

There was a time when I looked forward to him coming home form work, we were attached at the hip, i loved him soo much, i never even wanted him to ever go out! I always wanted to be with him.

 

TMCM-is your ex wife remarried? what is her situation like now?

[Bryanp]

Hello again,

 

I am curious what does your husband think in the fact that you

have stopped having sex with him for a long time now? I am surprised

that your husband has accepted this situation? Did he tell you he was

willing to have a sexless marriage? How do you expect to have any feelings more with your husband if you refuse to be intimate with him? Are you waiting for him to say he refuses to be in a sexless marriage and move on? Finally, don't you believe he deserves the truth so he can decide how he wishes to live his life. Again, if the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want him to tell you the truth? Why are you so afraid to tell him the truth? It is what you want isn't it?

[TMCM]

25yroldwife,

 

Originally posted by 25yroldwife

 

TMCM-is your ex wife remarried? what is her situation like now?

 

My relationship with my XW is very business like and it is strictly related to the wellbeing of our girls. But from my daughters' unsolicited information, it seems that she is right now involved with another man but I don't know what the level of committment is for that relationship. I do pray for her emotional, mental and physical wellbeing because our girls are the major beneficiaries of it.

 

As a man I've got to tell you something that you'd be wise to etch into your mind: Good men are not attracted to women who have no self respect but scoundrels are. As a sign of self respect tell the OM that you can no longer have sex with him and that you needed to stop all contact with him until you resolve your issues. Don't you think its worth it to find out once and for all if your heart is being given to a good man or a scoundrel?

 

TMCM

[25yroldwife]

Are you seeing anyone at the moment? And if so hows it going?

I keep telling myself that this other guys doens't care about me. I know he doens't. I keep telling myself this, and to just let go. I don't even know him that well, its just sexual, Its so stupid! I can't belive I let myself fall for him.

The other guy is 36-no married-no kids-did have a g/f...he broke up with her.

But then again I ask myslef,,*what does he wnat with a 25 yr old?* Sex I guess. We don't share much other information about ourselves,,He wants it that way. Why would he not wnat to tell me anything or know anything about me? I don't understand.

 

And I ask myself,,36 no kids not married never been,,*is anything wrong with him!?*?

As for my husband, I'm trying to reverse the roles in my head. How would I feel if I ever found out something about him? Or do I really want him to find someone else, and I won't care.

This is so hard.,

If you don't mind me asking,,How did you find about your wife? Did she tell you or did you suspect something?

[Mr Spock]

If you read TMCM's posts (although tinged with bitterness) you would have seen that he's indeed remarried.

 

 

You don't really know what you want, do you. You're unsatisfied in your relationship yet not ready to be totally honest with your partner or yourself.

 

 

Make a decision to DO something. Seperation, counselling, divorce whatever.

 

Please don't fool yourself into thinking your boyfriend has real or true feelings for you. Whatever you decide to do, know that at least.

[TMCM]

25yroldwife,

 

Mr Spock is right when she said I have remarried but I do beg to differ with her regarding my 'tinged with bitterness' posts for if bitterness was still a part of me then I seriously doubt that I would have been able to emotionally recover, meet and marry my wonderful W or have so much hope for the future.

 

As far as how I found about my XW's infidelities, it was by an X-best friend of hers. I didn't beleive her at first but I installed some spying software on our computer and found a slew of e-mails to many different men describing in all the gory details their sexual encounters. I confronted her but far from beying remorseful she was quite unrepentant and said that she would continued her sexual encounters with other men whether I liked it or not. From that point on my love for her started dying until one day I no longer cared what she did and I was ready to divorce her. The final straw came when one day I was at work and my oldest daughter called me crying that her mom had left and her sister alone when one of her BF came to pick her up. I called the police and left work to file a report against my XW [then W] for abandonment and child endangerment. I contacted the best pitbull divorce attorney [a woman] and filed the paperwork and asking for physical custody of our daughters. I was granted a restraining order and temporary custody [later full custody] and moved our daughters and myself to another apartment near the girls school. The rest is history.

 

One last thing is that before, during and after the divorce, I realized that it was not a good idea for me to start another relationship with another woman until I emotionally healed. My goal was to make my happiness a product of my physical/mental/emotional efforts and not a biproduct of a relationship with another woman. Once I attained this, I was ready to have a healthy and committed relationship with another woman. You also have to emotionally heal before you can be ready for a happy, committed and healthy relationship with any man [including your H], and that won't happen until you dump the OM and work on resolving your personal self destructive issues. You can do it, but you have to make the committment to do it and not wait for an epiphany which may or may not come.

 

TMCM

[25yroldwife]

I know I definatley need to ditch the OM. And then I do need to move out for a bit to figure out exactly what our relationhip is headed. Its hard I can't live here anymore with my husband when all we do is constantly fight. I think we need to be away from eachother for a bit,

 

He on the other hand doens't want to,,??So basically he's saying he would rather have me here to we can continue on our angry marriage ways, then for one fo us to leave for a bit to sort things out.

I can't stand the fighting anymore, and its getting to be over nothing.

 

He has the next 2 days off so I think i will have a good chat with him tomorrow night.

[Owl]

25yrold-

 

Couple of thoughts...and please don't take them as telling you what a bad person you are. I don't know you, so how could I possibly know what kind of person you are?

 

On the "not loving" your husband anymore. I've seen a few people hint at it, but I'd like to reiterate something. Two things actually. When my wife's emotional affair was found out, she told me that she "loved me , but wasn't IN LOVE with me". I later found that that phrase was key in almost every affair. One of the counselors I spoke with made a comment that has always stuck in my mind..."the difference between love and being in love is just how much you're willing to work at it". The reason my wife felt that way is because she'd stopped investing emotionally in our relationship. She was spending all of her "love" on someone else...and all I was getting were the scraps at best. A lot of people can't "love" more than one person at once...it gets too confusing for them. So when they find someone that they're "in love" with...they concentrate on that person. And if there is someone else in their lives (another SO), that person sees less and less of that love.

 

In my case, that hurt like hell when I felt her pull away, but didn't have any idea what the cause was. So, in turn, I pulled away myself. She saw that as a sign that I didn't love her....it became a self feeding cycle.

 

When is the last time you actually concentrated on your husband, and broke off contact with any of the OM in your life? Until that happens...there is no way you'll EVER be in love with your husband again. Because you aren't investing in him emotionally anymore. He feels the distance, I'm sure. And he's likely pulled back to, kinda "cutting his losses" so to speak.

 

Once the OM was out of the picture in my case, my wife immediately saw the person who had really NEVER given up on her...me. She too was undergoing treatment for depression. And the affair and depression combined made her see me as some kind of heartless monster...but once the affair was ended and the depression treated, she could see that I had always been there for her.

 

I don't know that your husband is the same...but you might reflect on what I've said. How hard are you working RIGHT NOW to love your husband? If your having an affair...it isn't enough to make you be in love with him anymore.

 

AGAIN...this isn't meant to bash...I just wanted to give you something to think about. Read my thread if you get the chance, and see if what I've described of my wife's feelings have any mirror effect for you.

 

Good luck, regardless!

[25yroldwife]

Hi there.Thank you very much fr responding, and taking the time. I read every single word aloud to myself.

I am trying hard to love my husband, I so badly want. And I so badly wnat to break off things with the OM. A certain phrase stuck in my head that someone else wrote yesterday * a good man isn't attracted to a wman with no self esteem , but a scandoular is*. So that is with me. This OM thinks I'm dirty maybe, and he likes it.

I am trying to tell meslef this.

He is 36 I am 25 , i'm fulling one of his fanatsies is all probably. I have no idea if he has feeling sofr me at all, no idea.

 

My Hubby is going to be 30 in 2 weeks. I know I'm getting depressed. But why do depressed woman have affairs? I don't get it.

Are you an dyour wife still ok? or do u have your ups and downs?

[michelangelo]

I see several things here.

 

1. You are depressed and need clinical help of a trained professional to get out of your depression.

 

2. You are self medicating by recklessly screwing around. You are confusing that temporary "high" you get with teh OM with love. It ain't it.

 

3. You are damaging your marriage by screwing around.

 

4. Your perceptions of your husband's reaction to your depression are colored by your depression. Do you know what I mean by that?

 

5. You want to heal! This is the most positive part of your story. The rest is pretty sad.

[Owl]

Originally posted by 25yroldwife

My Hubby is going to be 30 in 2 weeks. I know I'm getting depressed. But why do depressed woman have affairs? I don't get it.

Are you an dyour wife still ok? or do u have your ups and downs?

 

 

Well, I'm NOT a counselor, but I can give you my guess based off of what happened with me and my wife. She was depressed and not happy. I was the ONLY other adult in her life at the time...ergo, she was depressed and unhappy WITH ME. She knew that something wasn't right, she could feel it. And I had to be the one at fault...I was the only one she could blame. So when someone came along who started saying all the right things, and making her feel special because he was interested in her, she didn't stop it when she should. It hurts to say it that way, but it's pretty much true.

 

The sad part about an affair is how it becomes self-feeding very quickly. Once she started investing in HIM emotionally, she really quit being intimate (physically or emotionially) with me. That HURT. So, I responded how I've always done when I'm hurt...I pulled back. That made her feel like I didn't love her...justified her affair...and gave her the space to keep going.

 

We are doing a lot better now. But we've got a lot of things going for us that make a difference in our case. Her's was an online emotional affair...I found out about it and got it ended BEFORE they could meet and begin a physical one. We were married just over 16 years when this happened...and we had a number of good years under our belt that we could both look back on and say "wow, I wish we were like that again". We KNOW how good we can be together, when things are going like they should. So, I know that we will eventually recover from this.

 

But we do have our ups and downs too. She's the kind of person to say "it happened, it won't happen again, let it go and be in the past". And she can do that. I'm not. I have to know WHY it happened...WHAT caused it...and WHAT are we going to do to keep it from happening again. While I'm not "clinically" depressed...I tend to be obsessive, and dwell on things. It's been damned hard for me to deal with...especially since I feel like I can't talk with her about things, since it does nothing for her but remind her of what she did.

 

Most of the time, things are awesome...and the down and hard times are getting smaller and further apart.

 

My advice if you're interested:

 

1. Get the OM out of your life. You CAN'T rebuild your marriage or your relationship with your husband if you're still with him. You might think you can...but you can't. You're still investing emotionally and intimately with him what should be going to your husband. It will take AT LEAST 3-4 weeks of no contact before you begin to recover from the "addiction" of the affair.

 

2. Tell your husband...everything. A marriage has to be based first and foremost on trust...and you've destroyed that trust, even if he doesn't know that yet. I am NOT judging...just telling you the facts. Once your husband knows the COMPLETE truth...your depression, the affair, EVERYTHING...then you BOTH have to decide if your marriage is worth rebuilding. It's his marriage too...and he's got the same rights to decide if it should be over or not that you do. He needs to be able to make an informed choice on the subject.

 

3. Get counseling. Personal, and couples counseling if you decide to stay married. Start finding out WHY you had an affair...what was he providing that your husband was not? And, what are you not providing your husband? It works two ways...

 

4. Get treated for depression. If you didn't have it before now, you likely do now. The guilt, the despair, everything adds up. I know how you feel...so does my wife. So start taking care of yourself too.

 

Good luck. I really do hope things get better for you. Remember this...you REALLY DO have the strength to do what you've got to do...it's the doubting of that strength that's holding you back.

[whichwayisup]

I'm really happy that things are getting better and there are less rough days...You and your wife have worked really hard getting back what was missing...I hope the holidays were good to you both!!

 

But we do have our ups and downs too. She's the kind of person to say "it happened, it won't happen again, let it go and be in the past". And she can do that. I'm not. I have to know WHY it happened...WHAT caused it...and WHAT are we going to do to keep it from happening again. While I'm not "clinically" depressed...I tend to be obsessive, and dwell on things. It's been damned hard for me to deal with...especially since I feel like I can't talk with her about things, since it does nothing for her but remind her of what she did.

 

But..If the shoe was on the other foot, don't you think your wife would be asking you the same questions and feeling the same way you did. There is NO way she would have that 'it happened, lets move on and forget about it, never happen again attitude' if it was situation was reversed. And reading your posts, I highly doubt you would take that 'move on' attitude if you'd been the one out there straying. (I know you wouldn't stray though, even more so after what you've just been going through.)