please help

[MT]

Originally posted by Owl

So when someone came along who started saying all the right things, and making her feel special because he was interested in her, she didn't stop it when she should. It hurts to say it that way, but it's pretty much true.

 

The sad part about an affair is how it becomes self-feeding very quickly. Once she started investing in HIM emotionally, she really quit being intimate (physically or emotionially) with me. That HURT. So, I responded how I've always done when I'm hurt...I pulled back. That made her feel like I didn't love her...justified her affair...and gave her the space to keep going.

 

Ditto in my relationship. Each and every day you should communicate your feelings to one another. Find out how you can serve each other. Do unto others as you would like others to do unto you.

[Owl]

25yrdold-

 

Was just thinking of something else. You'd mentioned that you and your husband might need to seperate to stop the fighting. There's one danger you need to think about before you do that...if you do it BEFORE your husband knows about the affair, and especially BEFORE you've got the OM out of your life...you're not going to be doing anything to really heal your marriage if that's one of your possible goals.

 

Do it before you've broken off your relationship with the OM, and he'll end up in your bed again and again. You'll STILL be in the affair...and STILL not getting ready to work on your future.

 

Do it before your husband knows about the affair, and he'll forever think that you did it just to be with the OM. It'll be that much harder for him to believe you in the future.

 

If you and your husband can't work through the "withdrawl" you'll go through for your OM together, then it might be better to seperate during that time. BUT...you'd better have precautions setup to keep from bringing the OM back into your life, or you'll just make things worse.

 

I feel for you...my wife knew I'd be hurt and angry when everything came out. She had no idea. I never ONCE threatened her...or even made her feel threatened, but I was so angry I destroyed a lot of thing to keep myself from doing something stupid to her or to him. Facing your husband with this is going to be one of the toughest things you can ever do in your life...but it does have to be done. Find a way to do it safely.

 

Again...good luck.

 

MT and Whichway- Thanks for the support ya'll. My wife and I do handle things differently. No, I dont think she'd be able to just act like it never happened if she were in my shoes...I'm not sure how she'd do it at all. And I'd have to agree...I'd probably be more supportive of her if I were in her shoes...just the way I am I guess. It was hard nursing her through her grief when the affair ended...but I think that was one of the things that made her realize just how damn lucky she is to have me!!

[whichwayisup]

It was hard nursing her through her grief when the affair ended...but I think that was one of the things that made her realize just how damn lucky she is to have me!!

 

Yup I'm sure it was really hard, and you are a real good person, even more so because of that.

[cetl9]

doh

[Sweetz]

Originally posted by 25yroldwife

 

I am tying to put this other man out of the picture, and determine how i really feel about him. I'm thinking now it's just exciting and something to look forward too.

 

He is a good husband-he is good to me-maybe I feel like I'm being smothered? God, trust me I hate feeling like this. I cannot stand up getting up in the morning and knowing what's i've done and how i'm feeling.

Sometimes I do feel like telling him the complete truth and just have him say "ok see ya!" Or hope maybe oneday I'll catch him cheating on me. ?

 

I have no idea how I even began this. It just all started with no support from him when I needed him most.

There was a time when I looked forward to him coming home form work, we were attached at the hip, i loved him soo much, i never even wanted him to ever go out! I always wanted to be with him.

 

 

From someone that has been in your shoes and still am, let me add my 2 cents in. I am married going on 5 yrs now and have cheated big time on my H. I swore that I would never tell him about the affair I had with a close friend of his, as I felt I was doing him a favor by him not knowing. Well, I was proven wrong. I confessed to him last November. And I have to say for myself, it was one of the best decision I made for myself and for us.

 

It has been a rough road. Many days are tough, but I know in the end, it will all be worth it. And so far it has been. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't easy as pie. I took me a lot of thinking to realize that I did not want to live in limbo any longer, wondering what I wanted out of life, wondering who it was I was suppos to be with. I had to open my eyes up to reality and face it and stare it in the face and deal with it.

 

Do you spend your days and countless hours thinking about the OM and your H? Do you find you are always looking for answers as to whom it is you need to be with? Do you feel that you feel out of love with your H? If so, do you want to continue living this way?

 

Believe me, I know how it feels. You feel so addicted to this OM, its hard to break away. You feel some emptiness inside that is hard to explain even though deep down you know it’s bad for you, you are constantly thinking about it and tempted at all times to return to it. It’s like a bad drug addiction you feel you can’t break. It’s not easy but you can do it.

 

I guess I have to call myself lucky. My husband has stayed by my side. That's just the type of guy he is. But he was hurt, and angry, and shocked, and upset, and pissed off at me. But in the end, he felt we could work through this because we married for better or worse. Now, I will never put this man through the hell I have again. If I did, then I would not deserve to have a good man like him by my side. He deserves better. And so do you.

[25yroldwife]

Yes! You banged the nail on the head! That is excatly what it is. I am addicted to this OM I can't break it. It is hard to just let go. Owl is right though if I have no contact with him maybe for about a month maybe my feelings will subside.

 

I do spend more of my time thinking about the OM. I know this is terrible.

I'm trying to determine if this is just Lust though. I don't think I love him, I dunno.

 

Sometimes I think I will tell my husband everything. But then he is gonna ask the names of these Men,,,

By Far it is my problem,, and I don';t wnat himn going after these Men.

If he gets mad and wants to punch something then its me he should be mad at.

 

I think I'll end up blurting it out one time or another.

[Sweetz]

Here's my take and my story: I did confess to my H about my affairs. It was the toughest thing I ever had to do, but looking back, the only thing I regret about confessing was not doing it sooner.

 

I can't even begin to describe how good it feels to get the truth out in the open. It's like a ton of bricks lifted off your shoulders. Things begin to change after you come out with the truth. It's only fair to you and your H for him to know the truth. It was hard for me to do it, but looking back, I had to.

 

It's been nearly 2 months since I confessed. Some days are tough. But most days are good for us. Things are definitely different now, but for the better.

 

If you are questioning whether or not you love this OM, then chances are you don't. You are in love with the WAY YOU FEEL when you are WITH HIM or around him. That's what you are in love with. That feeling. That high. That drug. That addiction. It has nothing to do with him.

 

You can break this addiction. Believe me. I did and I still battle it daily. Nobody said it is easy but in the end, you know that eventually you will need to in order to move on with your life. You are wasting so much time thinking about this OM who in reality is just a fantasy man to you. I know. I've been there! I did affairs for 4 years! I am not proud of it, but please think about what you are doing to your H. I put mine through hell and back. I think about that everytime I wake up and go to bed.

 

Come clean and be honest with your H. If not for him, for you. You don't want to live in this torment any longer, I know you don't. I've been there. The lows are really low, but the highs are really high. And that's the reason you are putting yourself through this. For that high. Break that addiction. You will feel unbelievable when you do.

[25yroldwife]

I just can't shake him,,how long will it be with no contact before I feel my feelings are gone? Like a month or so?

I"m trying to find other things to keep me busy now. Just so I'm not focused on the OM.

I do work full time and do have other intrests, but this is gonna be hard,,i've been seeing him for almost a year. I know its just sexual that's all it was supposed to be. Maybe its still that for him now,,but me its chnaged i'm developing feeling sfor him,,Or maybe not!? I think I like (what you said) the fantasy.

The other thing I hate is that it is a small town and I'm always afraid I'm going to see him in public.

That just bothers me cause I feel like he has some control over me or something.

 

The OM is 36 I am 25-so there is a little bit of an age gap, but I'm sure it fullfills his fantasy to being with a younger woman. I keep telling myself that he doesn't,,but maybe hope he does have feeling s for me,,

How do I find out if he does?

I know I just want to leave it alone,,but god its hard,,,

[michelangelo]

Just keep redirectly those feelings towards your OM to your H and work on making your love and lust satisfaction happen inside your marriage.

 

Do not contact the OM!

 

When you think of him, think of the damage to yourself with this affair. Keep associating negatives to him and you'll eventually stop obessing on him.

[Sweetz]

Originally posted by 25yroldwife

I just can't shake him,,how long will it be with no contact before I feel my feelings are gone? Like a month or so?

I"m trying to find other things to keep me busy now. Just so I'm not focused on the OM.

I do work full time and do have other intrests, but this is gonna be hard,,i've been seeing him for almost a year. I know its just sexual that's all it was supposed to be. Maybe its still that for him now,,but me its chnaged i'm developing feeling sfor him,,Or maybe not!? I think I like (what you said) the fantasy.

The other thing I hate is that it is a small town and I'm always afraid I'm going to see him in public.

That just bothers me cause I feel like he has some control over me or something.

 

The OM is 36 I am 25-so there is a little bit of an age gap, but I'm sure it fullfills his fantasy to being with a younger woman. I keep telling myself that he doesn't,,but maybe hope he does have feeling s for me,,

How do I find out if he does?

I know I just want to leave it alone,,but god its hard,,,

 

Here's my take on it. You will not be able to move on until you confess the truth to your husband and yourself. At this rate, you can continue to have the affair and come home to the H, so you got your cake and are eating it too. Why would you just suddenly drop the OM? You have no consequential reason to. When you sleep with someone, you tend to find explanations for all the red flags that pop up. Only when you truly step back will you see the red flags for what they are: dangerous.

 

I like you felt like I wasn't doing anything real wrong. I mean, I was seeing the OM just for sexual reasons too, but let's be real. We are humans and feelings do develop regardless of what we think will happen. You ask how long until you feelings are gone? I don't think you can begin to address this question until you decide to be truthful and figure out what it is you want. Do you want your marriage to work? If so, it has to be done truthfully. I am convinced that if you don't own up to the affair with your H, you are prone to fall back into the arms of another OM in your future. You have allowed the OM to be such a big part of your life he defines who you are now to a degree. That is why you feel so "lost" with the feeling that you have to give him up. Listen, you don't love him and he doesn't love you. You know that, but don't want to admit it because you want him to love you, so you continue to sleep with him in hopes that he will come around to you. It's been a year already with him. He has had plenty of time to come around and he hasn't, so what does that tell you? You are just a piece of ass to him. Sorry to put it that way, but it's the truth. I guaranteee you he ain't obsessing over you like you are over him. He knows that if he calls you or emails you to meet him, you are like a puppet for him and will do what he wants. He likes that control over you. So yes, he does control you but its only because you allow him to. Is that the type of woman you want to be? He may be all smiles and nice to you to your face, but in the back of his mind he is probably thinking what a whore you are for doing what you do to your H and how stupid you are. Believe me, I have been there my friend. And believe me when I say, he doesn't want you just for himself. Afterall if you are cheating with him on your H, why would he take the chance to be a couple with you? You may cheat on him as well. There is no trust there and therefore there will never be a real relationship there. He's a good liar and so are you. That is no basis for a real relationship. You are stuck in what you feel is love, but it's not. It's deceit in disguise. Don't take any of this wrong. Like I said, I cheated on my H for years and I was a whore for doing it as I call myself. I want you to learn to love yourself and to see this OM for what he is. And you can only do that once you completely step back and out of his life and back into your own.

 

For me, it's been two months since I've been in contact with the OM minus one episode where I emailed him and shouldn't have, but physically haven't seen him in two months. We saw each other for two years and he was a good friend of the H, so that made things even worse in confession. At one point, I felt like I needed him to be a part of my life and I was convinced I would just have sex with him, keep it from my H, and that was OK to do. Over time, this issue became such a burden for me, I knew it had to change and it was up to me to change it. I look back at what I did to my H and it just saddens me. He is a good man. He does love me. He is a solid person and stuck by me despite the hell I put him through. If that isn't the sign of a good H, I don't know what is. Good luck to you.

[25yroldwife]

I DID IT!!!!! I sent off a msg to OM telling him I dont think we should see eacthother anymore,,,I feel like I dunno right now.... hurt,sad, mad,,I dunno, Now i have to return to normal life. It's gonna be hard, I knowit is going to be. But I feel like a weight has been lifted.

 

I told him basically he knows nothing about me, out of the sheets, and I hated being a tramp..so we'll see what he replies back with,,..,

[Owl]

GREAT JOB!!!! That's step one...and while it's really hard to do, its the smaller step. Now the bigger one....telling your husband.

 

Read again what Sweetz said about telling your spouse. She knows...she's been in your shoes. It's important that you do this too, for several reasons that we've all outlined.

 

Again, glad to hear you taking the first steps. Keep up the good work!!!

[Sweetz]

Originally posted by 25yroldwife

I DID IT!!!!! I sent off a msg to OM telling him I dont think we should see eacthother anymore,,,I feel like I dunno right now.... hurt,sad, mad,,I dunno, Now i have to return to normal life. It's gonna be hard, I knowit is going to be. But I feel like a weight has been lifted.

 

I told him basically he knows nothing about me, out of the sheets, and I hated being a tramp..so we'll see what he replies back with,,..,

 

I think it's great that you took this first step, however one thing does worry me. You say that you want to sait and see what he replies back with. Why? You should have stated it to him clearly what your intentions in the email were to him - to cut off contact with him period. I think you still have hopes that he will have feelings for you. I know you live in torment because of this. I've been there. Good Luck to you.

[whichwayisup]

You sending enter on that email shows as of now you are in control...Not him.

 

Don't wait around for him. I agree with Sweetz, seems that you may be waiting for his reaction. You may get a reply back or not, just don't expect anything at all.

 

Keep busy, know you're doing the best thing for YOU!!!

 

Go out and enjoy yourself...Pamper yourself too, do a spa day or get a massage!!!

 

Hang in there and keep busy!

[25yroldwife]

Hi there, I got all your replies. That's it seems I'm gonna need the support and advice here asI slowly go through things.

A side from ending things with OM- I have taken a bigger step too and have told Husband I want to seperate. Maybe not forever-but for now. I feel I need to move out and get things staright in my head again-and I can't do it here fighting with him all the time.

 

I can't be around his controlling ness anymore it's serioulsy killing me. I get physically ill thinking about it, or coming home from work everyday, It's doing a mess to me inside. I do have a dr's appt this thursday.

He always want's to know who i'm on the phone with-and he tells me to be home at certain times-it's getting awful, it's been this for a long time now.

 

I'm only 25-will I ever be happy again? I tell my husband I'm not happy, i love him-but not inlove-

I think I'm doing the right thing, I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I didn't just let one man go-I let 2 go,

Maybe deep down I know I'm not ready-or don't wnat a committment. I really hated to do this to my husband-but it's not fair to him if I continue to live here and have no feelings for him.

I feel like i'm internally crashing-i hate feeling like this.

[Owl]

25yearoldwife-

 

I can understand the need to be free of someone who is controlling...but think for a minute about what you pointed out as examples of his controlling you.

 

He always want's to know who i'm on the phone with-and he tells me to be home at certain times

 

Does it occur to you that he suspected the affair? Those would be the exact kind of questions I would expect from someone who was suspecting something was going on. Or it could be something else entirely.

 

I have to admit that I normally ask my wife who she's on the phone with, and normally expect to have an idea on when to expect her home when she's out. And I regularly provide that same information back to her...it's a two way street. We are both accountable to each other as members of this marriage. I hide nothing from her, nor do I expect her to keep secrets from me...ESPECIALLY since she had the affair. While I'm sure that many people here will see that as controlling, I don't...especially given that it IS a two way street. I wonder if your case is different?

 

Get that counseling ASAP...it sounds like you've got a lot to sort through friend.

[TMCM]

25yroldwife,

 

Do you realize that it is YOU who is the 'controlling' spouse by witholding the truth about your affairs from your H? Why? Because as long as you are denying him the truth, his view of the woman who is his W is a total lie. Furthermore, by keeping your false image of you, you are keeping all your options open which include reigniting your affair or having another one, while making him feel that it is his behavior that is entirely responsible for your changed behavior. Yes, I know you say you don't want to hurt him but you already have because if we were to ask your H as to how his life with you has changed since last March, I'm very sure that he would say that it has changed for the worse and he would probably give us some examples of your changed behavior towards him [the old two sides to evey story, remember?]. He has the right [just like you] to know who he is really married to so that he can make the choice to either end the marriage or fight to save/rebuild it. Remember that lies are always about power and control, so if you truly have any respect left for him then I hope you reconsider your decision no to tell him about your affairs.

 

TMCM

[michelangelo]

Ditto to what TMCM wrote!