Shared custody for a newborn?

[aussietigerwolf]

I broke up with her because she tried to get pregnant, without me knowing, and succeeded. Reason enough for me.

 

you will regret it and wow has she really dodged a bullet by not being stuck with you.

 

as for the breastfeeding thing? please try it and let us know what happens because it's going to be so funny when you do.

[just.in]

She miscarried, following that she went on the pill (or so she claimed). 2 months after the miscarriage she was pregnant. She would leave the pill packets on the counter and I could see that days pill missing but never recall seeing her actually take one. So she didn't take them, just pretended to. No, I didn't use condoms and thus if the pregnancy would have be accidental I would have no problem staying with her (like I did last time) and would welcome the addition. But this was not an accident.

 

I think it's best for kids to have their parents together and I think when you have a kid you should stay together for the child and make it work. However, this is a different situation that we talked about a lot and she knew my stance on. IMO, if a woman gets pregnant on purpose the child become her responsibility. She wanted the baby, she can have it. I will be there for my child but I will not be there for her. She was well aware of this. I would be miserable being with her, and that is NOT in the best interests of the child. Happy separated parents over miserable together parents wins any day.

 

She did not have therapy, she pretended everything was already because "no one understood or cared". It's her fault we aren't together. I don't sympathize with someone when they caused the outcome and were well aware of what would happen. Yes, it sucks she lost the baby and had a hard time dealing with that. But that is all I will feel bad for. She is worse now than before because she is having our baby and we're not together, which she is much more upset about. No, I'm not there to support her a way a BF or husband would during the pregnancy. I care about her well-being but I'm not going to act like her BF/fiance/husband when I am not. Again, something she created herself.

 

We don't need therapy. We are friendly together and I do not want to be with her. No therapy needed. Yes I am bitter here but to her I am not.

 

For maternity leave she is going to play it out and see. It will most likely be 6 months but up to a year since that's what Canada offers. Her mom won't be helping her, her mom died a long time ago and her dad was never in the picture. The rest of her family lives far away. She also has no friends in the city she lives. She's completely on her own in that regard.

 

She is only 21, 22 when the baby gets here. I'm 26. I've never been into younger girls because of the immaturity and different lifestyles (I outgrew the party/drinking phase years ago). She had always been different. More mature than a lot of my friends and smart, too. She is finishing university in a few weeks, which she had a full ride scholarship to.

 

Here is an issue I have, which is about the living situation. If I live with her I get to see my baby daily, learn what needs to be done and how to do it and help her out. Apparently that is in the babies best interest. But what happens to my EX when I leave? She is going to me more devastated because I'll be leaving and starting to take the baby away from her for the first time. She wants to be with me and she thinks if I keep living with her I still want to try and work things out. She also things when the baby gets here I will want to be with her again. If she gets more depressed is that in the best interest of the baby?

[Balzac]

Her every intention is to breast feed. How long she endures while working full time and single parenting may be a very different story.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Did she admit to not taking the pills?

[Balzac]

Canadian maternity leave of a year is paid for by the govt? Employer?

I'm confused if she's employed in a career job now? I think it's not always easy to secure a first career job while obviously pregnant. Perhaps in Canafa it's a different gambit.

[scorpio1978]

She miscarried, following that she went on the pill (or so she claimed). 2 months after the miscarriage she was pregnant. She would leave the pill packets on the counter and I could see that days pill missing but never recall seeing her actually take one. So she didn't take them, just pretended to. No, I didn't use condoms and thus if the pregnancy would have be accidental I would have no problem staying with her (like I did last time) and would welcome the addition. But this was not an accident.

 

I think it's best for kids to have their parents together and I think when you have a kid you should stay together for the child and make it work. However, this is a different situation that we talked about a lot and she knew my stance on. IMO, if a woman gets pregnant on purpose the child become her responsibility. She wanted the baby, she can have it. I will be there for my child but I will not be there for her. She was well aware of this. I would be miserable being with her, and that is NOT in the best interests of the child. Happy separated parents over miserable together parents wins any day.

 

She did not have therapy, she pretended everything was already because "no one understood or cared". It's her fault we aren't together. I don't sympathize with someone when they caused the outcome and were well aware of what would happen. Yes, it sucks she lost the baby and had a hard time dealing with that. But that is all I will feel bad for. She is worse now than before because she is having our baby and we're not together, which she is much more upset about. No, I'm not there to support her a way a BF or husband would during the pregnancy. I care about her well-being but I'm not going to act like her BF/fiance/husband when I am not. Again, something she created herself.

 

We don't need therapy. We are friendly together and I do not want to be with her. No therapy needed. Yes I am bitter here but to her I am not.

 

For maternity leave she is going to play it out and see. It will most likely be 6 months but up to a year since that's what Canada offers. Her mom won't be helping her, her mom died a long time ago and her dad was never in the picture. The rest of her family lives far away. She also has no friends in the city she lives. She's completely on her own in that regard.

 

She is only 21, 22 when the baby gets here. I'm 26. I've never been into younger girls because of the immaturity and different lifestyles (I outgrew the party/drinking phase years ago). She had always been different. More mature than a lot of my friends and smart, too. She is finishing university in a few weeks, which she had a full ride scholarship to.

 

Here is an issue I have, which is about the living situation. If I live with her I get to see my baby daily, learn what needs to be done and how to do it and help her out. Apparently that is in the babies best interest. But what happens to my EX when I leave? She is going to me more devastated because I'll be leaving and starting to take the baby away from her for the first time. She wants to be with me and she thinks if I keep living with her I still want to try and work things out. She also things when the baby gets here I will want to be with her again. If she gets more depressed is that in the best interest of the baby?

 

 

 

Ok..as a pregnant female here, I need to tell you that unless she has admitted that she got pregnant on purpose, then you cannot just assume. I got pregnant on the pill. It happens. And you don't need to be bitter towards her to still harbor anger and resentment that will eventually boil over. I get why you are angry. This is a huge life changing event that you did not want and were not ready for and you are being forced into it. Nobody is trying to say you have no right to be angry, but this blame game you have going on about this all being her fault will carry over and possibly be toxic in the future. Maybe one day, you can fin a way to forgive. If you will stand up and be there for the baby, good for you, but having such anger and resentment towards the mother will be toxic in the long run. I hope you can get over that. Won't be easy, but I hope.

 

 

But you should really, truly make sure that she did indeed do it on purpose and if so, then I wouldn't want her either, but I do wonder if the miscarriage played a role in how she has conducted herself and what-not. I don't think you will ever understand that if it did or didn't

 

 

I suggest this, if you really feel that you absolutely want nothing to do with her, then you need to make sure you say it over and over "I am here for the baby, but I do not want this relationship and I will not change my mind when the baby is born". If you feel that by staying there, you are sending the wrong message to her, then leave. You think of how expensive it will be to keep up two places? Get used to it. A baby will cost you a lot of money too.

 

 

Just a thought.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

*raises hand*

 

Another one who fell pregnant after contraception failed...for me it was the Morning After Pill.

 

There are so many reasons how hormonal contraception fails. Even if taken correctly it still has a 97% success rate. Thats a 3% failure rate. Statistically speaking, every 100 times you have sex with a women and only rely on the pill, there's a chance that 3 out of those 100 times can result in a pregnancy. And that's when used correctly.

 

Was she on medication at the time? You would be surprised to learn that medication for asthma, antibiotics, anti seizure drugs, anti depressants, anti fungals, anti-anxiety, migraine and some natural supplements can interact negatively with a hormonal contraceptive pill.

 

I have 2 sons. I hope I teach them that no matter what, if you dont want a baby - use a condom. Dont rely on anyone else to be responsible for your own fertility. My H doesnt want any more (neither do I to be honest). He is talking control of that and getting a vasectomy. The pill fails. Often. (oh and if your fiance had a D&C with her miscarriage, she is super super fertile as her uterus becomes really really sticky for a fertilised egg).

 

Nevertheless, a baby has been made which is half her and half you. Half of you. Your actions also that brought it about. Yep, if she did this on purpose its morally reprehensible. But let it go. Let go of the blaming. It will only hurt you and your child.

[Eggplant]

Even if taken correctly it still has a 97% success rate. Thats a 3% failure rate. Statistically speaking, every 100 times you have sex with a women and only rely on the pill, there's a chance that 3 out of those 100 times can result in a pregnancy. And that's when used correctly.

You misunderstand what the 3% means. A 3% failure rate for birth control means that out of every one hundred women who rely solely on that contraception for a year and have sex throughout that year, at the end of the year, expect that 3 of them will be pregnant.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

You misunderstand what the 3% means. A 3% failure rate for birth control means that out of every one hundred women who rely solely on that contraception for a year and have sex throughout that year, at the end of the year, expect that 3 of them will be pregnant.

 

You're right. My bad...Thanks

[just.in]

She will get 4 months of paid leave (by the government) and 8 months of unpaid leave (with her job still available for her). During those 8 months she will get around $800/month in benefits, if she chooses. In Canada you cannot decide to not hire someone because they are pregnant. Canada is a lot different from the US in that, we have laws in place to protect employees not the other way around.

 

Of course it is possible to get pregnant on the pill. But lets put this into perspective.

 

-She got pregnant and was scared at first then became happy and excited. By 12 weeks we already had names picked out and made small purchases.

-She looses the baby.

-She is very upset and keeps saying she really wanted that baby.

-After the miscarriage I ask her about birth control; she says she doesn't need it for the first month because you can't get pregnant. (Lie, you are very fertile).

-We use no protection the first month and she did not get pregnant.

-After her period I asked her about BC again; she says she is going to go on the pill because the shot (which she was on previously) takes to long to get pregnant after stopping.

-She gets the pill; every morning she leaves the packet on the counter OPEN with that days pill gone.

-I never see her take a pill; she leaves the container open so I will see and assume she is taking them.

-For a few days she is pushy to have sex and gets upset when I don't want to

-Ends up pregnant.

 

She doesn't have to admit it. She was depressed after losing the baby and wanted another, so she TTC. End of story.

 

Yes, BC fails but the chance of it failing so quickly after a loss is slim. No, she did not have a D&C she chose the natural route. Most of those conditions you listed have medications that are safe to use with contraception. It's called modern medicine. And are you aware that BC HELPS asthma? She has asthma and takes anti-depressants sometimes, her doctor is aware of this and wouldn't prescribe a contraception that wasn't suitable.

[stillafool]

Since it is clear you are not going to take her back I don't think you should live with her now. She will definitely grow to depend on you and she will think that after the baby is born you two will stay together. You need to detach yourself from her now and like another poster said continue to tell her that the two of you are not getting back together and that you are only there for the baby.

[SoleMate]

In a situation like this shouldn't she agree to use formula or breastfeed when the baby is with her and formula when the baby is with me? I'm not a woman, obviously I don't understand this the way they may.

Nobody without lots of baby experience understands this at all. Feeding a baby is not like putting a Happy Meal in front of a healthy 8 year old. Getting a baby to nurse is more like a contact sport...it is learned behavior for both mother and child. A baby who gets used to being cuddled in a mother's arms and fed delicious breastmilk from the breast will not necessarily take easily to having formula from a bottle from a different person. My baby wouldn't...she'd readily drink breastmilk from a bottle but rejected formula. You'd think hunger would win them over soon enough, but no. If you try this route, be prepared for some 5 hour long screaming/vomiting sessions with a bright red/purple baby. Once the baby gets frustrated and worked up, even severe hunger won't get them to eat. Sound like an illogical impasse? You betcha!

 

Also, I'm shocked that you conclude she committed a birth control fraud on such slight evidence. It seems the two of you never even discussed how this pregnancy occurred so she doesn't even know you have accused her and condemned her without even a hearing. Based on your own description of the facts, this definitely could have been accidental. You admitted to knowingly having sex for 1 month w/o BC based on the apparent misunderstanding (?) that pregnancy was not possible until after her period returned. Not true...

Edited December 5, 2013 by SoleMate

[just.in]

Right now I am not living with her but I still have a some stuff there. If I move back home I won't be able to see the baby very often. But I may have to deal with that. I keep telling her that we aren't getting back together and I am only still around because of the baby. She saw me out with another girl the other day (not a date, just coffee with an ex/friend who was in town) and started balling and was acting like I cheated on her. I didn't tell her it wasn't a date, she just assumed it was. When I go over there to help her with something or talk to her she cries when I leave and tries to make me stay.

 

We talked about how she got pregnant again. She said the birth control failed, probably because she was late taking a few pills or forgot to take a few (which she says I knew). She did tell me she was late taking a few but played it out nicely so it seemed like she actually forgot. I think she just did that to use this excuse. Yes we had sex for a month without protection based on a misunderstanding, but she did not get pregnant that month. She said her OB-GYN told her she couldn't get pregnant until her first period. I don't know whether that is true or not. Probably not.

[Shepp]

She took them, they failed. She didn't take them, hormones/biological clock its a funny thing in women, can make them do drastic things! Whatever, I doubt she meant to hurt you but either way, it doesn't change anything - its your son or daughter so whatever the circumstances let the blame go! When you hold them in your arms I promise you, you wouldn't undo it for the world!

 

My EX is adamant that I cannot take a newborn away and if I want to see the baby I will have to come to her place. She wants me to see the baby and be involved but doesn't think a newborn should be moved around a lot. She is going to breastfeed (no formula whatsoever) and says she won't be able to 'supply' enough milk for a weekend or whatever it happens to be. She says when the baby is older we can figure out a 50/50 (or close to) schedule.

....

I want to mention, she is a very accommodating person normally. She isn't going to try and keep me away from our baby and wants me to be very involved. She knows I want to move back to the city my parents are in (my hometown) and is seriously considering moving up there for me basically in a year.

 

To be fair, I'm sure it sucks for you, I know my boys are just over a month and to be apart from them at all is hard, really hard, but that said I kinda see where she's coming from.

Routine is just so important early on, I have twins so its routine or die basically! I think if your gonna keep taking a baby away from the place/people it knows and moving it to a totally new environment with new people and then switch it back again, your gonna make everything a lot hard - sleeping/feeding especially.

If she'll let you spend time with your baby in your home or she'll come with the baby to your home then at least your keeping one thing the same either the environment or the people, then I think you'll make it easier for yourselves.

 

It does depend on the baby though as well, once you guys get to know him or her you'll know how adaptable they are!!

Ours are fraternal wins but their as different as character as they are in looks - Ronnie, would be easy, you could share custody of Ron between four lots of people and he'd be as happy as ever. Fraser though is...spirited, you make the smallest change and regret it instantly!! Woe betide you if you dare to make a school boy error like feeding Ronnie first! You'll know what do once their born!!

 

She saw me out with another girl the other day (not a date, just coffee with an ex/friend who was in town) and started balling and was acting like I cheated on her. I didn't tell her it wasn't a date, she just assumed it was. When I go over there to help her with something or talk to her she cries when I leave and tries to make me stay.

She's probably a bit scared, she's gonna be a single mum. But you gotta take into account hormones though mate - seriously my girlfriend barely ever cries, definitely not over anything less that very serious, her lifes been tough and she's the strongest girl I know - but when she was pregnant, must of been about 7 1/2 months, she cried at the drop of hat!! I came downstairs one morning to her crying cause toaster wasn't working, I had to be like "babe, you just need to turn it on at the plug" and she then proceeded to cry again later that day because she remembered the toaster not working.

(I think all women get a bit crazy when they're pregnant)

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

I think she probably misunderstood the OBGYN as you can't start taking the pill until AFTER your first period. You should be using condoms instead.

 

In any case, seems a drastic measure to split with someone who you otherwise love based on suspicion without evidence, but it's your decision. Honestly, if you distrust her that much then maybe you shouldn't be together.

 

I wouldn't be too concerned with emotional outburst...pregnancy hormones can be a real b!tch that way. Just keep reiterating that you are over and won't be getting back

 

If you don't want to stay with her then don't. But you won't be able to have the baby removed from her for overnight visits as a newborn, so you will just need to decide on an option that you can live with which sucks the least. Just remember to put baby #1, and your decisions will become easier.

 

Good luck.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

excellent post Shepp, especially this part:

 

 

She took them, they failed. She didn't take them, hormones/biological clock its a funny thing in women, can make them do drastic things! Whatever, I doubt she meant to hurt you but either way, it doesn't change anything - its your son or daughter so whatever the circumstances let the blame go! When you hold them in your arms I promise you, you wouldn't undo it for the world!

[Shepp]

excellent post Shepp, especially this part:

Well you know, I try

 

 

No, I just think miscarriages are quite a hard mental thing for girls to go through, probably harder mentally than physically!

Even if she knew what she was doing then she probably just wanted back what you had OP, picking out names, buying baby stuff, looking to future. I think the worst crime she probably committed was looking for a quick fix! And if that is the case she should of told you, she should of taken your feelings into account. But in my recent reading of baby books it tells me that dads form a bond after a babies born, but mums love their baby already before that....and we all do stupid things out of love, right?

[Balzac]

Focus on the future 12omths. She will have to address contraceptive needs very soon again. At her age I find it unlikely shed avoid dating/sex for 12 months. How soon until she wants baby#2?

 

Your realistic option is to be the observer.

 

"Can't conceive while nursing" may be her new mantra.

 

You will have a child, you will bond, you will have to bear witness to her future relationships. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. You se like a solidly smart guy - you already know this. You are best able to parent by taking care of yourself, becoming a happy man, continuing to establish your boundaries w this girl. You cannot save her from herself.

[hotgurl]

The first month you start birth control it is not effective. You need to go through a whole cycle to become 100% effective. Most doctors recommend using a back up method during this time.

 

Not to mention what hormonal spikes could have been happening from the recent miscarriage.

 

She could have done it on purpose or she could have had a BC failure.

[Balzac]

I've not ever seem a published study/peer reviewed not read a contraceptive insert sheet that detailed non effective for 30 days. What product are you speaking about!

Edited December 5, 2013 by Balzac

[Arabella]

The first month you start birth control it is not effective. You need to go through a whole cycle to become 100% effective. Most doctors recommend using a back up method during this time.

 

I'm not sure that's accurate at all. Most forms of hormonal birth control state that they become effective after 7 days if you begin taking them with your period.

[hotgurl]

I have read 7-14 days but they recommend a back up method for the first cycle just to be safe. Well at least my doctor did.

 

I suppose the point is it is not instantly effective. Plus if she forgot pills well.

[Balzac]

"They" would be whom? Your physician? Package inserts do not state 14 days or a backup. Choose your sources carefully. Read the drug inserts for facts.

[hotgurl]

"They" would be whom? Your physician? Package inserts do not state 14 days or a backup. Choose your sources carefully. Read the drug inserts for facts.

 

My doctor recommended a back up method for the first 30 days just to be safe.

 

Maybe it was because at the time I was younger and she felt I should be extra protected. I don't know.

[Balzac]

Even the last ranked person in a medical school graduating class is called "doctor". ?