Why would dumpers feel emotional numbness?

[Greenj30]

Im just curious what are some reasons dum[p]ers would feel numb?

Edited December 4, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Corrected spelling

[MoooOinkBaaa]

feeling numb or acting numb?

[Buck Turgidson]

Because they've just had a relationship end and that is painful.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

not all the time. they usually go through it months in advance and then a sense of relief follows.

 

they have to act numb to play the role of the dumper, to keep you away and to make sure they aren't tempted to go back to you.

[Greenj30]

Feeling "empty" and "numb".

[felicity1]

Im just curious what are some reasons dumbers would feel numb?

I was once in a dysfunctional relationship with an abusive man. The reason why I stayed with him for many years was b/c I was not facing the reality of my situation, I was numb. Through advice and help from friends I began to realize that he was manipulating me to stay in the relationship-I was losing my numbness and beginning to face the truth. So there are sometimes very good reasons for dumping a partner and this requires clear thinking.

[rec88]

When you say numb, I think of the huge relative difference in emotional state between dumper and dumpee at the time of the breakup. The dumper has had a lot of time to go through their pain and process the breakup. It's a slow process that has taken time. For the dumpee, on the other hand, it's a sudden shock. So while dumper has ridden the emotional roller coaster and returned to stability (for now), the dumpee is in the middle of it.

 

This could be interpreted as 'numb' or 'cold' or 'disconnected' by the dumpee. That's how I saw it anyway. In hindsight, I can see it for what it was, she was just over it at the time and I was scrambling to pick up the pieces.

[Greenj30]

Well im just talking about her feeling numb because that's how she said she was feeling our BU wasnt thought out by her because I initiated it because of her mixed feelings.

[rec88]

Oh in that case it's probably emotional burnout.

[lylat333]

Just to offer another perspective, I was a dumper who was very cold/numb about breaking up. I was in a 6 1/2 year relationship, we were getting into the same issues over and over again. It was an extremely difficult decision but after wrestling for it for months I finally went through with it. She moved back in with her parents while I lived alone.

 

I felt fine for the next 2 months or so, I thought I had processed the breakup and everything. Wasn't sure whether we would get back together or not. I knew she wanted to, I was just enjoying time alone. That and I believe I was a typical GIGS dumper even though I didn't have someone waiting in the wings.

 

She got into another relationship a little after 2 months and it devastated me. I thought everything was under control and even more than 2 years after I still look back with a lot of regret.

 

My point is most people who dump probably have put a lot of thought into it. They may feel fine for months after. Sometimes dumpers never look back, sometimes they do. I think it's normal to be numb though... I know I was trying to cut off those emotions so I could finally experience something different otherwise I felt like I was stuck in the same thing.

[keepontruckin]

Here's what happens... And my wife is a good example of this.

 

The dumper quickly reverts to a mindset that you are a complete stranger. Not a friend, not an ex, but a complete stranger, like one walking down the street that you pass.

 

This is how they view you now, in their eyes. You are the stranger, and as such they don't care what you think, what you need, or what you do.

 

You do NOT exist to them in any way, shape or form.

 

I know. Because after five years of being with my wife, I am treated exactly how she would treat strangers during those five years. And I mean EXACTLY!

 

You can judge how your spouse will act once they leave you, by how they interact with complete strangers...

[keepontruckin]

So, a good indicator of a good spouse is how they deal with strangers on a daily basis.

 

My wife was over-critical to strangers, looked down on many for no reason, and wouldn't give anyone the time of day.

 

And low and behold! It was only a matter of time before I was on the receiving end of that also!

 

I plan on staying single for a very long time, but if the opportunity ever arose, I will certainly watch closely their demeanor with strangers. If it's cold and critical, I'd literally just walk away from the date then and there.

[Simon Phoenix]

Well im just talking about her feeling numb because that's how she said she was feeling our BU wasnt thought out by her because I initiated it because of her mixed feelings.

 

I'm guessing you still haven't done the No Contact thing.

[melell]

I don't think at all this is a given. I don't think that they are emotionally numb.

 

If someone suddenly acts distant and uninterested in you it may seem 'emotionally numb' but there is a good chance they are just tired of the whole situation and past caring.

 

If they are going out of their way to numb pain, then that is different, they are doing it because they are hurt underneath it all.

 

I would say those two things are much more likely than them being naturally emotionally numb... That kind of thing, in my experience, develops over a period of time, not spontaneously.

 

Dumpers who are sure of their decision will act uninterested, or cold most of the time because they have resided in the fact that things are over- they are acting accordingly. I would take it as a sign that they really are over it.

[Simon Phoenix]

I think coldness is par for the course whether they are sure about their decision or they aren't, at least in the vicinity of the dumped. It's a masking technique.

[EIK]

I guess part of it is because acting numb is (apparently) the only way to deal with the fact that you're causing so much pain in someone you care/cared so much about. It can really mess with your head if you let yourself get involved in the dumpee's grief and their desire to not breakup. It's a bit like looking the other way in an attempt not to give in.

I believe it really is shutting you brain off completely from the dumpee. You don't let anything they say get to you, and it's questionable how wise that is, but it's the only way you will be able to stick with your decision.

[nevergoodenough]

People express and deal with hurt in different ways. Its likely that you see someone acting attempting to prevent themselves or you from hurting and read it as them being numb. Maybe they are just trying to keep from hurting more. It's all about perspective.