How come some cheaters are taken back?

[Miracle90]

I've noticed that sometimes those that get taken back are cheaters who were going to continue to hurt their partners, had no plans on stopping their affair and only ended it when caught but he/she still got taken back and apparently ''forgiven''.

 

However, those who cheated (some like my female friend that at least didn't slept with the OM), really regret it and stopped it but their bf/gf found out through other means wasn't willing to give another chance. Even some who even confessed didn't get taken back.

 

This is an example of a cheater that literally gets caught with the guy's friend, would probably have continue the affair if man didn't find out but even as bad as it was, guy still tries to work it out and married her later on.

 

My husband is bringing back my past cheating but do I deserve it?

 

Compare to this, in this one the girl is very remorseful and has guilt over it even after a year. She even confessed to the guy when it happened but he dumps her the following week. She is wishing for another chance, what the woman on the first example didn't deserve.

 

Cheated, broke up, and unable to move on - relationship advice

Edited December 4, 2013 by Miracle90

[amaysngrace]

I guess if the person is an otherwise good person who just did something bad and if they are truly sorry for hurting their SO then yeah, I can see someone forgiving a person like that.

 

If they are just a crappy person all around then maybe not so much.

[Miracle90]

I guess if the person is an otherwise good person who just did something bad and if they are truly sorry for hurting their SO then yeah, I can see someone forgiving a person like that.

 

If they are just a crappy person all around then maybe not so much.

But in the second example, IMO I think that was worth forgiving more than the first. Even in my surrounding, I see certain individuals that don't even get that chance of redemption for less things.

[carhill]

How come some cheaters are taken back?

So far, relative to the marriages I've observed, status imbalance is the most common perceived dynamic. This combines familial with social status. As an example, since I've known far more MW's than MM's, in my demographic a (married) mother has tremendous social and financial power and her husband, even if betrayed, has to take a hard look at what can happen to him socially and financially if he chooses to end his marriage based on the infidelity of his wife, since there are no legal penalties in our jurisdiction for infidelity. Specifics vary markedly with age and years married/children in custody but I have noted commonalities over the decades in the same place.

 

In past generations, there was more social/religious pressure to 'stay together' and parts of that remain to this day in the older generations but I think the divorce and infidelity statistics reflect changes in general patterns of 'staying together'.

 

On the other side of the coin, of the few philandering males I've experienced who have remained with their families, the commonality is social status/economic power. The ones who played and were allowed to stay were otherwise widely liked and economically successful. For a man to achieve such success, he needs both ambition and charisma, two aspects which are critical to negotiating reconciliation, especially in the current legal climate. Additionally, such men are generally legally savvy and already use competent legal help in their business lives, so have more knowledge and advice to safeguard themselves legally should things go sideways at home.

 

Of course, for most people, genuine remorse is or can be part of the package but IME it's impossible to know for sure what's in anyone's mind so I tend to take that with a grain or two of salt.

 

An aspect I have more interest in analyzing is those marriages where both partners have admitted to/demonstrated infidelity and have mutually been 'taken back'. So far, the most clear aspect is relative parity socially/economically/legally. One partner might be superior/inferior in some aspects but other aspects balance the dynamic out.

 

Lastly, though nebulous, the partner 'taking back' the cheater could love the cheater more than they hate the act of cheating, so the balance, depending on their personal psychology, could tip in favor of that love. Whether pragmatism, as detailed in the bulk of my post and learned from the pragmatist I was married to for a decade, or emotion, or a combination of the two, rules the day depends on the individuals and their personal psychology, so my final answer is 'it depends'

[peruano99]

Because the person loves the other person too much to let him/her go. That first thread gave me a headache though. I could never take someone back if I caught her having sex with someone.

[Miracle90]

Because the person loves the other person too much to let him/her go. That first thread gave me a headache though. I could never take someone back if I caught her having sex with someone.

I know right but I think the man is currently now having a RA (revenge affair) many years later in the marriage so in a way it's like karma coming at her. The only problem is since his now wife was a former cheating gf, she might be able to detect that at a very quick pace; I was reading more and it seems like she was already suspecting it. Still, that woman was lucky and given the chance at the time whereas my female friend who did much less and wasn't caught that way, didn't have that chance given out. Edited December 4, 2013 by Miracle90

[Editbee]

I believe if someone takes back a cheater is usually when they think they can't get anyone better due to their lack of social skills, confidence and self-esteem and would rather have someone stick around with them (even if he/she is a cheater) than be alone and start all over with someone new. Or he/she is emotionally attached to the cheater so they want to continue looking at the other positive traits they initially fell in love with to the point they're willing to overlook at their partner's betrayal. Maybe for them, they're unable to hate the cheater completely.

Because the person loves the other person too much to let him/her go. That first thread gave me a headache though. I could never take someone back if I caught her having sex with someone.

I think the human (male or female) capacity is able to forgive a lot if we were trying but never forgetting. I would assume that girl he took back must be pretty. I've heard of certain men that are willing to stay with a bad gf (or wife) if she's excellent both in looks and in bed and they believe they can't get better than what they have so they settle. Similar to the women that take back cheaters.

[aliveagain]

I think that once the WTF Kodak moment pass's and he/she realize's that the nasty skank he's been dating/married to actually banged his/her best friend, they will do what's right and put the nasty trash to the curb where they belong.

[PegNosePete]

So what you're saying here is that... shock horror... people are different?!

 

You think there should be some kind of unifying law that if certain offences are committed then the victim/BS must forgive, but if a certain line is crossed then they must not forgive?

 

Some choose to forgive terrible behaviour, whereas others bail at the first minor wrongdoing. Welcome to LIFE!

[Miracle90]

I think that once the WTF Kodak moment pass's and he/she realize's that the nasty skank he's been dating/married to actually banged his/her best friend, they will do what's right and put the nasty trash to the curb where they belong.

That should have been done in the first time but seems like that guy must have been in a long trance. From what I read, they now have a child. I feel kind of sorry for him. It would have been easier to walk away when he was only her bf and there was no child but looks like he wants to do that now (after 10 years since the cheating) and might be cheating back.

[Miracle90]

So what you're saying here is that... shock horror... people are different?!

 

You think there should be some kind of unifying law that if certain offences are committed then the victim/BS must forgive, but if a certain line is crossed then they must not forgive?

You're taking it literally. I didn't say there should be a law. I just think there is a difference between forgiving someone that truly regrets his/her wrongdoing and has been beating themselves over it and someone that's only sorry he/she got caught but didn't have to do much to get taken back.

Some choose to forgive terrible behaviour, whereas others bail at the first minor wrongdoing. Welcome to LIFE!

I know and it should be the other way around; some forgiving minor wrongdoing and everyone bailing from terrible behaviors. Edited December 5, 2013 by Miracle90

[Kate9292]

Maybe because it depends on a cheated on person?

 

Some would take back their partners even after multiple sexual encounters over many years, some would dump over the most innocent look or flirting.

[drifter777]

I know right but I think the man is currently now having a RA (revenge affair) many years later in the marriage so in a way it's like karma coming at her. The only problem is since his now wife was a former cheating gf, she might be able to detect that at a very quick pace; I was reading more and it seems like she was already suspecting it. Still, that woman was lucky and given the chance at the time whereas my female friend who did much less and wasn't caught that way, didn't have that chance given out.

Saying she did "much less" is a value judgment that probably doesn't mean a thing to the man she betrayed. The thing to understand is that it has very little to do with what the cheater did (since sex is sex) and much more to do with what the betrayed SO wants to live with. An example would be a man who does not have kids with the cheater would be much quicker to dump her then if they did. The rational is simple: "why go though all the pain and work of trying to reconcile when all I have to do is walk away and start over"? When children are involved then I think most men will stay and try to make things work as long as the cheater is remorseful and willing to try to make it up to him.

[Miracle90]

Saying she did "much less" is a value judgment that probably doesn't mean a thing to the man she betrayed. The thing to understand is that it has very little to do with what the cheater did (since sex is sex) and much more to do with what the betrayed SO wants to live with. An example would be a man who does not have kids with the cheater would be much quicker to dump her then if they did. The rational is simple: "why go though all the pain and work of trying to reconcile when all I have to do is walk away and start over"? When children are involved then I think most men will stay and try to make things work as long as the cheater is remorseful and willing to try to make it up to him.

But the man in that story got cheated on when he was only that woman's bf and had no children. He still took her back, married her years later and now they have a child. He indeed complicated himself. I don't know what reason he had at that time to still want her. Edited December 5, 2013 by Miracle90

[PegNosePete]

I know and it should be the other way around; some forgiving minor wrongdoing and everyone bailing from terrible behaviors.

No it should not. Every individual is free to choose whether to forgive their partner or not. Your implication is that your own moral judgments should be applied onto others. You can't tell other people whether they should be forgiving their partner's sins or not. It's up to them. We live in the Free World here and it is everyone's right to make their own decisions; not for you or anyone else to lay down guidelines about which offences can be forgiven and which can't.