Hurting and confused

[Jaylene]

I have been seeing this guy for the past 5 months. He has all of the qualities that I want such as caring, smart, funny, fun, sensitive, honest, loyal, cute, and great in bed. Before I met him, I had recently got out of a very bad relationship in which I was lied to, cheated on, and basically really hurt. Therefore, I was able to better appreciate this much better relationship.

 

But, my new relationship has had rocky points, mostly due to me causing petty arguments. "J", the new guy, did put up with me dealing with emotional baggage from my old relationship. But, I have been bitchy on occasion by not being appreciative of things that he has done for my my making comments indirectly that I want more materially, which I know is wrong on my part. We do go out and pays for basically everything, but I guess I was spoiled more materially in my last relationship even though it was emotionally abusive. J does what he can as he has many school loans to pay off adn I realize this now.

 

He had broken up with me three weeks ago because of how I reacted when I opened up his X-mas present; I was basically disappointed because I wanted something else and he was hurt by that. That in combination with other unappreciatiev acst on my part caused him to break up with me. He took me back a few days after when I poured my heart and explained to him that I understood how I had hurt him and vowed to changed if given another chance.

 

Yesterday he broke up with me again, we had a talk after and agreed that we would remain friends and see what happens. This was because we have been overall, been arguing too much about petty things that have acculumated. He basically expressed to me, and I agreed that although we both care for eachother, we tend not to get along enough that it is problematic. These arguments are not only about my materialistic ways, just petty everyday stupid stuff.

 

Anyway, even though I told him that I was OK being friends, I don't know if I want that.

 

I know that I rushed into a relationship with him too quickly after my prior one; but I cannot undo that. I know that it is probably better for me to have some time alone anyway, just to get mysefl emotionally together, but I feel lonely and sad without him. I am aware that this is expected as it just occured yesterday, but..

 

We spoke yesterday on the phone after the breakup and he told me that he would call me during the week so that we arrange a way for me to get some stuff that I left at his place. I am hoping that after some time, he will miss me and ask me if I want to try thid again.

 

I feel in my heart that even though we have had rocky moments, it can work.

 

I feel sad and empty and scared of going through all of the breakup emotions again; I just got over a terrible heart break from my ex that in some ways I am still dealing with; I don't know if I could cope with another situation like that, even though thsi is different because J and I had an open talk about it and it has nothing to do with him cheating on me.

 

Should I just give him space and hope that he comes around or try to talk to him.I would really appreciate an outside opinion; Thanks guys!

[Tony T]

I copied and pasted the above post and edited it so I could read it without getting a headache...and also for everyone else in the forum to more easily read as well. We love you, Jaylene:

 

I have been seeing this guy for the past 5 months. He has all of the qualities that I want such as caring, smart, funny, fun, sensitive, honest, loyal, cute, and great in bed. Before I met him, I had recently got out of a very bad relationship in which I was lied to, cheated on, and basically really hurt. Therefore, I was able to better appreciate this much better relationship.

 

But, my new relationship has had rocky points, mostly due to me causing petty arguments. "J", the new guy, did put up with me dealing with emotional baggage from my old relationship. But, I have been bitchy on occasion by not being appreciative of things that he has done for my my making comments indirectly that I want more materially, which I know is wrong on my part.

 

We do go out and pays for basically everything, but I guess I was spoiled more materially in my last relationship even though it was emotionally abusive. J does what he can as he has many school loans to pay off adn I realize this now.

 

He had broken up with me three weeks ago because of how I reacted when I opened up his X-mas present; I was basically disappointed because I wanted something else and he was hurt by that. That in combination with other unappreciatiev acst on my part caused him to break up with me.

 

He took me back a few days after when I poured my heart and explained to him that I understood how I had hurt him and vowed to changed if given another chance.

 

Yesterday he broke up with me again, we had a talk after and agreed that we would remain friends and see what happens. This was because we have been overall, been arguing too much about petty things that have acculumated. He basically expressed to me, and I agreed that although we both care for eachother, we tend not to get along enough that it is problematic.

 

These arguments are not only about my materialistic ways, just petty everyday stupid stuff.

 

Anyway, even though I told him that I was OK being friends, I don't know if I want that.

 

I know that I rushed into a relationship with him too quickly after my prior one; but I cannot undo that. I know that it is probably better for me to have some time alone anyway, just to get mysefl emotionally together, but I feel lonely and sad without him. I am aware that this is expected as it just occured yesterday, but..

 

We spoke yesterday on the phone after the breakup and he told me that he would call me during the week so that we arrange a way for me to get some stuff that I left at his place. I am hoping that after some time, he will miss me and ask me if I want to try thid again.

 

I feel in my heart that even though we have had rocky moments, it can work.

 

I feel sad and empty and scared of going through all of the breakup emotions again; I just got over a terrible heart break from my ex that in some ways I am still dealing with; I don't know if I could cope with another situation like that, even though thsi is different because J and I had an open talk about it and it has nothing to do with him cheating on me.

 

Should I just give him space and hope that he comes around or try to talk to him.I would really appreciate an outside opinion; Thanks guys!

[Tony T]

You need to give him more space...a lot of space...much more than I gave you between the paragraphs I created for you.

 

This man has not seen a good relationship here. The constant bickering is not the mark of great romance. A woman who cops an attitude about the inadequacy of a Christmas gift is the kind of woman most men would run from...FAST!!!

 

Yes, you've made mistakes and that's OK, we all do. But you are right. You got into this relationship way too soon...that's not only your fault but his as well...I'm sure you disclosed the timing to your boyfriend.

 

You need some time alone to get over all your emotional stuff...clear it out entirely...and create priorities in your life. You say material stuff isn't important but your behavior indicates otherwise. Hey, nothing at all wrong with wanting material things...but you need to be with a guy who can provide you what you want...and you can be happy with it.

 

You need to be with a guy where there is not constant fighting, bickering...where you resolve conflicts readily. This fighting seems symptomatic of more serious issues in your relationship. Anger is very related to fear. You need to work on identifying the source of your fear, whether it be from your last relationship or your childhood...fear of being abandoned...or whatever.

 

This arguing could even be your way of keeping some distance in the relationship. You describe this guy as having almost every quality you imagine wanting, yet you go out of your way to create a wedge between the two of you. That, my dear, is serious FEAR!!! This guy sounds like a guy you don't want to get away yet you have driven him away by your actions.

 

Your guy does not want a selfish, combative, confused woman in his life right now. If you can show him you have changed...and it won't happen overnight...maybe it will have a chance. He sounds like he's decent and understanding enough to give this one more whirl if you show him some serious committment to change, including admitting your problems, weakness...asking him for help...and going to counselling.

 

But my recommendation is that you take some time...as much as six months to a year...to clear your head and work on yourself. You would be absolutely astounded and how wonderful being free and alone to do whatever you want can be.

 

It is only fair to your next guy that you enter the relationship free of all kinds of complicating baggage that you now carry.

 

If necessary to help you sort this all out, see a competent counsellor for some sessions. You may have more issues that you realize.

 

Best of luck to you!!!