sparklingbeauty Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 Ive been with my boyfriend for over 5 years, we have 2 beautiful children together 4 and 1 years old and we also bought a house together. For the past 3 years hes been telling me "very soon". Now it just hurts when he says it. He tells me he loves me, wants to be with me forever and get married but he doesnt do anything and Ive mention to him several times that Im not going to be in a relationship were there is no commitment and seems like this is it. Im at a point where if he does ask I just want to say no! Is it rude of me? Even his mother doesnt understand after 5 years, 2 kids and a house why asnt he proposed yet and how come some people in a 2 year relationship or WAY YOUNGER then house are getting engaged or married. Im tired of waiting. It happened to me in the past where i broke up with a boyfriend and all of a sudden they wanted to get married. I love him very much but I feel like he shouldnt be this selfish. You dont marry for yourself but for the one you love! Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 Im at a point where if he does ask I just want to say no! Is it rude of me? Even his mother doesnt understand after 5 years, 2 kids and a house why asnt he proposed yet and how come some people in a 2 year relationship or WAY YOUNGER then house are getting engaged or married. Im tired of waiting. I love him very much but I feel like he shouldnt be this selfish. You dont marry for yourself but for the one you love! I wouldn't marry you either with this attitude. Tell us. What does this man stand to gain from marrying you ? What do you stand to lose by marrying him ? The answer to both is nothing. Why aren't people happy with just love. You don't need a contract that says you're stuck with me or else I get half of your stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 Well not everyone has a deep desire to get married. Personally I would stay with my fiancee whether or not we were getting married. Commitment is a choice and his actions show he is committed. Maybe you need to talk to him about his views on marriage? Ask him what it means to him. You need to be open minded though as a nice calm conversation may either open him up on popping the question or may open you up to whatever is going on in his head. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 Well you know what they say about "why buy the cow when the milk is already free". He already has you as his wife (living at his home and acting the part), already has kids (living with him), already has a home with a family in it. What would make him want to marry? Link to post Share on other sites
nescafe1982 Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 If you weren't parents already, I'd say to pull back on him, mirror his level of commitment and see if he ups the ante. That is, if you've already had the talk, telling him that marriage is important to you and asking him what the holdup is (after 5 years, there's a holdup, after all). But because you're parents together at this stage, you can't just move out and start dating other people. But since he does bring up getting married "in the future" a lot... I would simply wait until the next time he does it, and ask "when is that going to happen? Because it's starting to really hurt my feelings to keep hearing these promises without any follow-through." Despite what some posters might say on here, you're not "bad" for wanting marriage, nor is marriage "just a contract." There is a real level of commitment that the paper signifies, and a man who is both a roommate and a father should be capable of meeting that level of commitment. It's weird that he hasn't done so, IMO. But it sounds like you two need to have an honest-to-god discussion about this thing: your expectations, and his apparent misgivings. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 I don't know. To me, these are talks you should have had before you had kids. You picked this life after all. If you wanted more, you should have said something before. Now your priority is to do what is best for your children. And, hate to say it, they couldn't care less if Mommy and Daddy ever get married. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 Do you two talk about marriage & what it looks like to both of you? If you don't you need to. At this point, 2 kids later, you may have to forgo the fancy expensive wedding if that's what's holding him back. You are already tied together by the kids so I don't see the big deal. Link to post Share on other sites
knitwit Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 I strongly disagree that someone gets married for the other person. I got married because I wanted to, and my husband also wanted to be married. We actually even married ourselves, we didn't use a preacher or priest or anyone. I love PA for having that option! If your guy doesn't want to get married, then that's that. Do you you really want to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to you? I think your best bet is to realize/accept that you made the decision to have kids and buy a house with a man who hadn't married you yet, and to go with it. You backed yourself into a corner with your decisions. You did a lot of things right: You have created a good relationship (I am assuming it is good since you want to make it legal and permanent) with your children's father, which is great! You have a house for them to grow up in. You've created some stability for them. IMO it would the height of selfishness to destroy that stability for your children because you got one thing wrong, which was agreeing to create a family before getting married (when you want to be married.) He has kids and a house with you, so he has put in a commitment- just not the one you want. I understand wanting to get married, and if you didn't have kids I would advise you differently. If you had other complaints about the relationship, I might advise you differently. But the relationship with your guy is otherwise good, and you DO have kids, two of them. The kids' stability and well-being come first. Their stability and well-being is best served by being with their two parents together, parents who provide a safe and stable home and who demonstrate a loving relationship together. Your guy is saying that he wants to marry you at some point. Hopefully he will. I agree that it would be good to have an open, calm conversation with him to see if there are some concerns you can alleviate, such as being able to afford a ring or a decent wedding; or maybe other financial or other concerns. I would certainly be pointing out all the benefits of marriage to him. This includes things as simple as protection for you and his children, should anything happen to him (social security benefits, next-of-kin rights, decision-making powers). Best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sparklingbeauty Posted December 4, 2013 Author Share Posted December 4, 2013 I wouldn't marry you either with this attitude. Tell us. What does this man stand to gain from marrying you ? What do you stand to lose by marrying him ? The answer to both is nothing. Why aren't people happy with just love. You don't need a contract that says you're stuck with me or else I get half of your stuff. there it is a guy view!!! Nothing nice to say you shoul;dnt answer. What do we gain? A bigger family, bigger commitment, a trust and bond that could never be broken. Maybe to men marriage is not important but for us ladies weve had wedding in our heads for as long as we could remember. I have a good sense of humour we talk and discuss those things. Are you married?? Because I wouldnt with this attitude!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sparklingbeauty Posted December 4, 2013 Author Share Posted December 4, 2013 we talk about it all the time and I tell him how it hurts my feeling to talk about it without any actions. Alot of people feel sad for me because he is not fulling committing to our relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 No one 'feels sad' for you. That is all in your head. Instead of worrying about your dream wedding, how about starting a college fund for your kids? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 there it is a guy view!!! Nothing nice to say you shoul;dnt answer. What do we gain? A bigger family, bigger commitment, a trust and bond that could never be broken. Maybe to men marriage is not important but for us ladies weve had wedding in our heads for as long as we could remember. I have a good sense of humour we talk and discuss those things. Are you married?? Because I wouldnt with this attitude!!! we talk about it all the time and I tell him how it hurts my feeling to talk about it without any actions. Alot of people feel sad for me because he is not fulling committing to our relationship. You continue to talk about what you want and how you feel, but you fail to mention if you asked him what he truly wants. You seem very hostile towards the situation and honestly that may have him hesitant. I still think you need to ask him what being married would mean to him and figure out what his reservations are. But if you are hostile and either take shots at him or complain the whole time, it's not going to help you make any progress. A full commitment is taking care of his children, being faithful, and trying to provide a good life for all involved. Marriage doesn't make a commitment any stronger, all it does is make it "legal". That commitment needs to be in your heart, as marriage has a high failure rate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sparklingbeauty Posted December 4, 2013 Author Share Posted December 4, 2013 no its not in my head because those words actually come out of their own mouths!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sparklingbeauty Posted December 4, 2013 Author Share Posted December 4, 2013 and the college funds is already done! thanks for trying to educate me about how to be a parent! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sparklingbeauty Posted December 4, 2013 Author Share Posted December 4, 2013 ya we do talk about it all the time we give eachothers opinions and feelings and he tells me all the time that he wants to marry me, that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me that he as this overwhelming feeling "love" and he wants us to be a family and wants me to have his last name. Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 no its not in my head because those words actually come out of their own mouths!!! Well, if you whine and complain about it, I'm sure they might have said something to pacify you. However, I highly doubt anyone has ever said, "Hey Sparkling, want to go get coffee tomorrow? By the way, I think it's sad that your boyfriend doesn't commit to you fully" out of the blue like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sparklingbeauty Posted December 4, 2013 Author Share Posted December 4, 2013 actually im a hairstylist so we do talk about relationships, kids, how many yeears and all the tralala so ya when we do ask eachother if we have kids, married and how many years weve been dating they ask me what his waiting for.... some people are quick to have responses without knowing anyfacts Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 there it is a guy view!!! Nothing nice to say you shoul;dnt answer. What do we gain? A bigger family, bigger commitment, a trust and bond that could never be broken. Maybe to men marriage is not important but for us ladies weve had wedding in our heads for as long as we could remember. I have a good sense of humour we talk and discuss those things. Are you married?? Because I wouldnt with this attitude!!! You came to an advice forum. You will get it from every possible angle. Your family size does not increase with marriage. The only "commitment" you gain is a piece of paper that means almost nothing in today's society. Trust and a bond? You need a piece of paper for that? If you don't already have your trust and your bond, its not coming. Sorry. " for us ladies weve had wedding in our heads for as long as we could remember. " What makes you think that is healthy? I've noticed 2 things about your situation already. A) You care more about a wedding than a marriage. B) You are only concerned with YOUR wants (marriage) because YOU want it does not mean that HE wants it. He may say that he wants it to get you to stop nagging him, but you actually had the nerve to call HIM selfish because he would not conform to YOUR desires. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sparklingbeauty Posted December 4, 2013 Author Share Posted December 4, 2013 He told me in 2 years will be married. But I dont see any engagement soon and I dont even think he sees one either. Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 Polite conversation. Nothing more. If you think anyone in their right mind actually CARES whether or not their HAIR STYLIST gets married, you are straight up delusional. Heck, I couldn't even tell you my hair stylist's last name. But if I was stuck in a chair listening to her whine and moan about not being married while she was coloring my hair, you better believe I'd cluck my tongue sympathetically and say a bunch of cliche crap like, "what is he waiting for, blah, blah, blah, Dont screw up my hair please, blah, blah." The FACT is, the only one emotionally invested in you getting married is YOU. And, like I said before, if this was important to you, you should have insisted BEFORE you had kids. Now you're stuck. Sorry, but it's true. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sparklingbeauty Posted December 4, 2013 Author Share Posted December 4, 2013 Actually BUDDY he starts the conversation on getting married and NO i do not care about the whole wedding thing. What I care about is combining our 2 families together and celebrating "MARRIAGE" Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 Have you considered proposing to him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 Let's backtrack for a second. What is wrong with the current setup you have? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sparklingbeauty Posted December 4, 2013 Author Share Posted December 4, 2013 Ive told him that but I told him I wasnt that low and I wouldnt do what my aunt did because right now shes been with my uncle for over 20 years and there is still no sign of a marriage happening. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 Ive told him that but I told him I wasnt that low and I wouldnt do what my aunt did because right now shes been with my uncle for over 20 years and there is still no sign of a marriage happening. Sounds to me like they are happy without marriage? A marriage is not going to make your relationship "better" . I think you have this fairy tale idea of what its going to do to your life. Absolutely nothing about your life will change, except you will be in debt, and if you ever separate its going to cost a lot of time, hassle, and money. Oh, and half of the mans stuff, probably the house too. Link to post Share on other sites
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