Is Lack Of Sex and Intimacy Grounds For Divorce???

[rat1687]

I really need some input on this. I have been married to my wife for 16 years. We have had a problem with sex and intimacy for at least the last ten years. I am soooo tired of the cold shoulder. It has gotten to the point where we are only having sex about 6 times a year. When we do have sex it is very mechanical and I am left to feel like she is "doing me a favor". I have had numerous major talks with her about the problem. She readily admits that is all her. Things will be better for a couple of weeks then right back to normal. It is like she is doing just barely enough to keep me around. I can't hardly breathe emotionally. I have been thrown into a major depression that requires medication as a result. I am miserable. I told her a few days ago that I just can not live like this any longer. She asked me to "give her one more chance". My happiness as well as my emotional and physical health is at stake. I have no reason to expect that anything is going to change. I feel 90% sure that I will seek a divorce after the first of the year. I feel like I am being weak and immoral for doing so but I am absolutely at the end of my rope. I would appreciate some input and advice on this.. I am truly in a desperate situation.

[carhill]

The grounds you're looking for are defined in Texas law:

 

Cruelty - When your spouse is guilty of "cruel treatment" towards you to the point that it is no longer bearable to continue living together.

 

Before tossing 16 years into the bin, I'd give MC a try. IME, M, as a partnership, has two aspects and perspectives and each partner experiences them uniquely. Make a commitment to MC your Christmas present to the marriage. If nothing else, it could make the divorce more amicable and help with your depression. Good luck and welcome to LS

[rat1687]

What is MC ???

[carhill]

MC = marital counseling.

 

In your case, since you're on medication for depression, I'd recommend it be with a clinical psychologist.

 

More forum shorthand here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/water-cooler/228723-loveshack-terminology-guide-acronyms-forum-shorthand

[amaysngrace]

My friend and her husband only have sex once a year because that's all that is needed in NJ to not be considered sexual abandonment.

 

His choice. Not hers.

 

She bitches at him all the time for the littlest things and I'm always confused about that. If they just had a healthy sex life I think she'd let the little things go.

 

But why would he want sex with someone who constantly bitches at him?

 

So he does have a point.

[oldshirt]

This is going to sound harsh and I don't mean to be hurtful or mean but would any other woman in her "league" want you either?

 

Have you put on a bun h of weight? Are you well dressed, well groomed and in style? Have you gotten lazy and quit taking care of yourself and stopped taking care of your home and family and sit around on the couch?

 

Who do you resemble more Ryan Cooper/ Adam Levine etc or Homer Simpson or Archie Bunker?

 

First step is to look in the mirror and ask yourself if you would be attracted to you ..f you were a woman.

 

If you are legitimately fit, healthy, clean, well groomed, well dressed and well styled, then you need to ask a few more questions in the following order -

 

- does she have a medical or psychiatric issue? Ie metabolic or hormonal issue, libido killing medications, diabetics, depression etc? A normal, healthy woman has a sex drive and wants to be loved up?

 

- have you been treating like an important person in your life and not neglecting her or blowing her off?

 

-.... or the opposite, have you been a whiney, sniveling, spineless footboy putting her on the pedestal an letting g her walk on you?

 

- have you been living up to your role as husband, father, protector and provider or have you been drunk on the couch neglecting her and your families' needs and she has lost faith and respect in you?

 

- have you been abusive, mean, drunk, a stoner, neglectful or checked-out of your relationship and marriage??

 

- is there anyone else taking care of her needs for love' n and sexuality? ARE YOU SURE??????? Just asking doesn't count. Have your gone through her phone, her emails, her Facebook, her credit cards, her purse, her car, her drawers?????

 

Any one of those things can make a woman's libido for her husband dry up worse than the Sahara.

 

Your wife has had at least ten years of no desire for you. Figure it will take you a minimum of at least ten months of hard work to gain some desire back if you have let yourself and you relationship go.

 

Are you willing to put in that time and effort?

 

If yes, if you get yourself buffed up and taking care of business as a man and husband and she still wants nothing to do with you, then someone else will.

 

If you get yourself looking sharp, treating her right, and being responsible in taking care of your family and she still doesn't want you, then you can give her fair warning and a fair opportunity to step up or get left behind.

 

If you do all of that you will know that you did everything you could and you will be able to move on with your life without guilt or remorse.

[ShannonBanana]

I stopped having a libido too in my marriage...which always being 'healthy' in that way was a clear indication it was the wrong marriage for me. There was a clear reason I lost interest and it had to do with how he treated me, constant stress and the lack of emotional connection.

 

I'm not saying your wife would have the same reason but that there are two sides to every story. There may be a reason your wife has lost interest and MC will hopefully help bring that to the surface.

[oldshirt]

...and to answer your question, YES. Both men and women have a right to a healthy and function love life and to have intimacy, affection and passion in their lives.

 

They have the responsibility to be a desirable person and not be a fat, lazy, drunken, abusive and neglectful slob an they have the responsibility to candidly tell their partner they need more intimacy and they have the responsibility to try to meet their partners needs too.

 

But if their partner is still unwilling or unable to step up then they are within their right to move on.

[d0nnivain]

Lack of sex is called constructive abandonment. It can be a reason to terminate a marriage. In most states no fault is the law & it doesn't matter why you want out. You just say that you have irreconciable differences.

 

If she is the one begging for "one more chance" give it to her conditioned on marriage counseling AND sex therapy. Maybe if you two can understand more about each other's needs, you can fix this. If you have never tried MC, & you don't have major problems outside the bedroom, it couldn't hurt before you throw away a 16 year marriage. If it helps, great. If it doesn't, at least you know you tried.

 

The emotional & financial costs of a divorce are staggering.

[oldshirt]

My last post was too long, let me be more concise.

 

If someone loses interest in sex it is either one or a combination of the issues -

 

- medical/psychological (ie hormonal, metabolic,meds, depression etc)

 

- YOU are not attractive to them anymore ( ie fat, unkempt, slobish, weak, whiney, bearish, mean, smelly etc)

 

- loss of respect and admiration (ie lazy, unemployed, uninvolved in home an family, drunk/drugs, poor financial management or decisions etc)

 

- poor relationship skills and breakdown in connection (ie abuse, neglect, abandonment, negative conflict resolution skills etc)

 

- get' n it elsewhere ( ie cheating. Emotional affair, physical affair, porn etc)

 

It's one of or a combination of those things. You have a responsibility to found out what it is and fix it to the best of your ability. Then you have the responsibility to give fair warning of your dissatisfaction and interventions.

 

Then if she still wants nothing to do with you then you are within your right to move on.

[rat1687]

Thanks guys for your input. I am physically fit. I lost over 100 lbs just to make me more attractive to her a few years back but it didn't work. I am the sole breadwinner in the household. I am a professional and I think I am at least average looking. I am the one who tries to initiate things almost 100% of the time but I seldom get anywhere. I have asked her to go to the doctor but she seems unwilling other than her normal checkups and she doesn't bring this problem up to the doctor. I have bought her pills to at least try and she will not take them. I have orchestrated several romantic weekend getaways and things seem good during the getaway but right back to normal when we get home. I am not sure what else to do. I have pretty much given her the "ultimatum". All that is left to do is to see if she finally tries to help herself in some way. She told me last night that I "really needed another woman that could satisfy me". Gee....... doesn't sound to good does it???

[d0nnivain]

Good for you on the weight loss.

 

 

Did the ultimatum include we have an appointment with MC / Dr So & So on _______ [date]? If not, make such an appointment. Drag her along (not physically) & then you can at least know you did everything you could.

 

 

FWIW, no I don't think that statement bodes well.

[GuyInLimbo]

Any chance there's been a third party involved?

[oldshirt]

She told me last night that I "really needed another woman that could satisfy me". Gee....... doesn't sound to good does it???

 

No that's usually a really bad sign.

 

Typically if a wife is offering another woman (other than a swinging arrangement)

It means she has zero attraction for him and is perfectly happy to believed of the trouble of providing him sex.

 

I suspect the reason she keeps telling you shell "try" is to keep you supporting her

[whichwayisup]

I really need some input on this. I have been married to my wife for 16 years. We have had a problem with sex and intimacy for at least the last ten years. I am soooo tired of the cold shoulder. It has gotten to the point where we are only having sex about 6 times a year. When we do have sex it is very mechanical and I am left to feel like she is "doing me a favor". I have had numerous major talks with her about the problem. She readily admits that is all her. Things will be better for a couple of weeks then right back to normal. It is like she is doing just barely enough to keep me around. I can't hardly breathe emotionally. I have been thrown into a major depression that requires medication as a result. I am miserable. I told her a few days ago that I just can not live like this any longer. She asked me to "give her one more chance". My happiness as well as my emotional and physical health is at stake. I have no reason to expect that anything is going to change. I feel 90% sure that I will seek a divorce after the first of the year. I feel like I am being weak and immoral for doing so but I am absolutely at the end of my rope. I would appreciate some input and advice on this.. I am truly in a desperate situation.

 

You two should do marriage counseling and fix this, give it your best. 16 years is too many years to throw away without really trying hard.

 

The thing is, does your wife feel loved, special and adored by you? This could be a vicious circle, you want sex, make a move, she feels like an object to you, rejects you, you shut down.

 

When was the last time you two held hands? Cuddled? Had a fun date night out? Bought her flowers for no reason? When was the last time you two kissed or when was the last time she did something just nice for you?

 

It's a two way street.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks guys for your input. I am physically fit. I lost over 100 lbs just to make me more attractive to her a few years back but it didn't work. I am the sole breadwinner in the household. I am a professional and I think I am at least average looking. I am the one who tries to initiate things almost 100% of the time but I seldom get anywhere. I have asked her to go to the doctor but she seems unwilling other than her normal checkups and she doesn't bring this problem up to the doctor. I have bought her pills to at least try and she will not take them. I have orchestrated several romantic weekend getaways and things seem good during the getaway but right back to normal when we get home. I am not sure what else to do. I have pretty much given her the "ultimatum". All that is left to do is to see if she finally tries to help herself in some way. She told me last night that I "really needed another woman that could satisfy me". Gee....... doesn't sound to good does it???

 

Be honest, tell her that you love her but are miserable without any intimacy from her and that you actually would consider an affair or casual sex. Maybe then she'll wake up and realize that she HAS to put in effort too, learn to take care of herself, go to DR's appointments and also put you first instead of only thinking of her own needs.

 

Let her know how close you are to thinking of divorce. Really talk and listen to one another, it's time to have that very serious/emotional talk.

[oldshirt]

No that's usually a really bad sign.

 

Typically if a wife is offering another woman (other than a swinging arrangement)

It means she has zero attraction for him and is perfectly happy to believed of the trouble of providing him sex.

 

I suspect the reason she keeps telling you shell "try" is to keep you supporting her

 

Also, when women suggest their husbands get their needs met else, it is also very common that they have someone else on the side as well and want their husbands off their back so they can do their own thing without restriction and to justify their own affairs.

 

Have you done your due diligence in seeing if she has someone else????

Edited December 5, 2013 by oldshirt

[rat1687]

I really need some input on this. I have been married to my wife for 16 years. We have had a problem with sex and intimacy for at least the last ten years. I am soooo tired of the cold shoulder. It has gotten to the point where we are only having sex about 6 times a year. When we do have sex it is very mechanical and I am left to feel like she is "doing me a favor". I have had numerous major talks with her about the problem. She readily admits that is all her. Things will be better for a couple of weeks then right back to normal. It is like she is doing just barely enough to keep me around. I can't hardly breathe emotionally. I have been thrown into a major depression that requires medication as a result. I am miserable. I told her a few days ago that I just can not live like this any longer. She asked me to "give her one more chance". My happiness as well as my emotional and physical health is at stake. I have no reason to expect that anything is going to change. I feel 90% sure that I will seek a divorce after the first of the year. I feel like I am being weak and immoral for doing so but I am absolutely at the end of my rope. I would appreciate some input and advice on this.. I am truly in a desperate situation.

 

 

Okay... I started this thread almost exactly one year ago. I got some good advice on here last year. We did go through Marriage Counseling as so many suggested. I have communicated with her again and again about my desperate need for passion and intimacy. Still no significant change in things. Over the past year I have been diagnosed as severely depressed, I have gained weight, started drinking alcohol and I am pretty sure my testosterone is at an all time low. I have sent her to the doctor several times and no results. I think I have done my due diligence. I have been patient. Now I feel like I am dying from the inside out and that I am just a shell of the man I could be. After a serious discussion 3 days ago she is asking again for "one more chance". I must confess that now a deep resentment has been born in me. I resent her for all that she has put me through. I am afraid we are not at the point of no return. I am considering leaving her after the holidays.

Okay forum... Let me ask again... Should I leave this marriage due to like of passion/sex??????

Any feedback is MOST appreciated !!!!

[GirlStillStrong]

No, you should not leave her for a lack of sex. You should leave her because you have given it the best you could, and despite this, you are worse off in your personal life than you were before you started. You can see clearly your relationship with your wife is taking its toll on you. Is she toxic to you?

 

And let me offer this little piece of advice. Just do it. Leave. You don't need to make any proclamations, you don't need to be dramatic, you don't need to cry, and you don't need to lay blame. You just need to get some space. For yourself. To work on your SELF. To make things, your environment, the people you surround yourself with, the things you do, conducive to YOU. It does not have to say anything about your marriage. This does not have to be "You're not giving me sex therefore you have failed and I am leaving." It can just be "I need time and space to clear my head, get my life back together, and see what I want to do with the rest of my life." And then you just go. Get an apartment if you can afford it or rent a room from someone or look for a roommate situation in the want ads.

 

Then come back here in a couple weeks and tell me whether any passion has returned to your marriage.

 

Alternatively, I'll give you a little hint to try. Establish a time each week for a date, preferably a weekend day. But the date CANNOT be dinner or going out to eat. The date must be an activity, preferably something new, and most preferably it includes something that is SCARY. Scary movie, bungee jumping, race car driving or even those mini racetrack cars kids like to drive, parasailing, rollercoaster, trapeze class, mountain or cliff climbing, skiing, you get the picture. Get scared together.

[carhill]

Nothing says 'I'm leaving' quite like the sheriff serving the spouse divorce documents. Myself, I was interested in his gun

 

Seriously, do it calmly and in a straightforward manner but take steps. Otherwise, limbo will continue or you may find yourself as respondent and under the gun. It it's time to go, make that decision and get moving.

[oldshirt]

Okay... I started this thread almost exactly one year ago. I got some good advice on here last year. We did go through Marriage Counseling as so many suggested. I have communicated with her again and again about my desperate need for passion and intimacy. Still no significant change in things. Over the past year I have been diagnosed as severely depressed, I have gained weight, started drinking alcohol and I am pretty sure my testosterone is at an all time low. I have sent her to the doctor several times and no results. I think I have done my due diligence. I have been patient. Now I feel like I am dying from the inside out and that I am just a shell of the man I could be. After a serious discussion 3 days ago she is asking again for "one more chance". I must confess that now a deep resentment has been born in me. I resent her for all that she has put me through. I am afraid we are not at the point of no return. I am considering leaving her after the holidays.

Okay forum... Let me ask again... Should I leave this marriage due to like of passion/sex??????

Any feedback is MOST appreciated !!!!

 

 

 

What would you do if she packed up and left without a trace or if she died? What would you do to restore your life and get back to living your life if the most healthy and fulfilling manner without her?

 

 

Do that.

 

 

 

 

You keep trying to 'talk' to her to get her to change. You can't change her. She likely doesn't even want to change. You can only determine your own actions and make your own course. Change yourself and start living your life to it's fullest for you. She will either become attracted to what you become and follow you into your new life or she won't. If she doesn't, then leave her behind.

 

 

You 'talk' too much. stop talking and start doing. you talking isn't going to change anything.

Edited December 3, 2014 by oldshirt

[Mr. Lucky]

Okay forum... Let me ask again... Should I leave this marriage due to like of passion/sex??????

Any feedback is MOST appreciated !!!!

 

I don't know what you should do, but can tell you what you shouldn't do - waste another year.

 

I'd set a well-communicated deadline and either fix it or get out. Any additional time wasted is on you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[rat1687]

Thank you all for your comments. You were brutally honest and that is what I need. I have agreed to pay for her to see a counselor tomorrow. I don't mind doing that during this holiday month as a last ditch effort. I doubt that things will change any though. My feelings of resentment have grown to the point where I am completely turned off to her now. It would be completely un-classy to leave during the holidays with family visiting and such. However, this marriage is over by Spring unless there is some sort of significant breakthrough. I don't think she really believes I will do it. She convinces herself that things aren't that bad even though I have been completely honest about my feelings for the last 4 years. She is in for a surprise and our family (wonderful people on both sides) are in for a major shock. I will be the BAD guy... but.... I have to save my own life here! Thanks to all for your comments!

[rat1687]

Okay... I finally did it! I filed for divorce yesterday. She has already been served papers. I went out and joined a gym to celebrate my decision. I KNOW I made the right decision. The situation is tough right now.. but I am SO EXCITED ABOUT THE FUTURE. It is liberating! Thanks to all who posted advise. This is a great forum !!!

[Molly Hooper]

The grounds you're looking for are defined in Texas law:

 

Cruelty - When your spouse is guilty of "cruel treatment" towards you to the point that it is no longer bearable to continue living together.

 

The whole idea of having to give the state a specific reason for divorce is crazy to me.