a different view on no contact

[blue963]

from:

 

Let?s Talk Again A Month From Now Affair Partners: Why ?No Contact? Doesn?t Work and Makes Things Worse

 

 

 

When I first began to see the struggles on my website, Lostlovers.com, over “NC”, I was surprised by the topic. When I began my research in 1993, there was no such concept being discussed.

 

That’s probably because there were few affairs. People back then had to write personal letters or make phone calls to contact their lost loves, and those who reconnected did so purposefully, usually to spark a romance, and they were single, divorced or widowed. They met for a reunion, and they continued or ended it. There were no times out or No Contact.

 

But this NC pattern (as my website members have labeled it) has become common for people who post on my member forums. The members’ reunions are usually affairs.

 

No Contact is not my term or idea. I know it doesn’t work. Agree to a 1 month time out and that may last about 2 weeks. An open-ended NC may end even sooner. I have some thoughts for you about the negative impact of “going NC.”

 

NC is a middle ground. No one has decided to leave the romance, but there’s a feeling that it isn’t working, because there are marriages involved. It’s meant to be a brief time out to catch one’s breath and get one’s life back.

 

I have spoken in the forums about lost love reunions having an addictive quality. They certainly are obsessive. Part of what causes this state of emotions is “going NC.” This interim, time out period sets up an insecure attachment, a withdrawal from the love partner. Anxiety builds up, wondering if the bond has been really severed by the lack of contact.

 

As the anxiety builds, it becomes intolerable. Then in haste, in fear and panic, the lost love is contacted. Reassurances are given, the voice is comforting, and the anxiety immediately goes away. Ending NC ends the anxiety that it caused in the first place, so the insecure, addictive lost love romance is reinforced.

 

But the joy is not consistent or secure, because the lost loves will pull the plug on the romance every now and then, without warning, to try to figure out what to do with the marriages or take time “to think” (or to go to couples therapy with their spouses).

 

If you go to Las Vegas or Atlantic City and play slot machines, the machine doesn’t pay off every time. It pays off approximately every 35th time. If it paid off every 35th time exactly, no one would want to play – everyone would want to be only the 35th player. The payoff at approximately every 35th time keeps people playing.

 

If you don’t win this time, well, maybe next time; and the more you lose, the more you have to keep playing, because your time to win must be coming right up. This is intermittent reinforcement. It is the most powerful motivator there is. That’s why there are gambling addictions. Just keep playing long enough and you have to win, right? Meanwhile, before the payoff, you are losing, big time.

 

Setting up “NC” is a recipe for misery. It doesn’t allow the romance to move forward, so it stops whatever happiness was going on. Instead, it substitutes a very painful insecurity and anxiety, too painful to continue. Two weeks of misery during a self-imposed NC, and then a few moments of feeling happy. Just like the gambler — losing more than winning, but waiting for and needing the hit.

 

Breaking the silence and reconnecting momentarily eases the fear of losing the romance, but it sets up an insecure attachment that makes people more clingy and more addicted. It is harder to leave a lost love affair after going back and forth from Contact to NC to Contact to NC… The relief every time a NC ends sets up the belief that “this is it,” now it will work. But it doesn’t, because the same issues that caused the lost loves to go NC are still there – they are married.

 

And it certainly doesn’t help the marriage in any way. If one knows that the NC is time-limited, then the affair is still there. An affair without sex at the moment is still an affair. No one in NC can work on the marriage, decide what to do about the marriage, go into therapy to see if he/she can save the marriage. And a person is just as likely to get caught by the spouse in the NC period as when they were seeing each other: the person is acting so weird that the spouse gets suspicious that something is wrong, perhaps cheating.

 

So testing a marriage vs, a lost love affair, to see which is more important, by setting up a withdrawal from the affair partner (which increases longing) will skew towards the affair every time, and this has nothing to do with whether the marriage or lost love relationship is “better.” Ask a cocaine addict to choose between his/her family or the drug, and the addict will pick the cocaine every time. Does this mean the cocaine is better for him/her than the family? Of course not.

 

When someone decides to (or has to) give up a lost love, if the reunited couple had had a series of NC times, leaving will be much harder than if the romance just progressed until it ended. Returning to the lost love has been strongly reinforced — because the return always took away the unbearable anxiety. NC/C became a cycle of familiarity; trying to break the cycle and really stop the romance is excruciating. So back we go: the romance doesn’t end, the anxiety briefly clears, and it is reinforced again… and strengthened each time the lost loves try to leave but “slip.”

 

Cold Turkey, one day at a time. That works. But the person has to make a very firm decision that this is truly the end and then grieve the permanent loss.

 

I can see how some of this opinion can be accurate. When I try to stop everything, it is so anxiety producing it is ridiculous.

[whatatangledweb]

From a BS point of view, the NC is not a time out. It means the affair is over . There will be no going back. They are not to contact the person to prove they want to be married. I have heard of LC being a time out. Most people assume NC means the affair is over and everyone is going cold turkey .

 

When my WS ended it, he told her it was over and not to call again. He then made sure there was no way she could. That is when NC started. She knew there was no time out. I think holding on to the hope is what makes it harder to heal. Maybe there should be a clearer name for it.

[whichwayisup]

NC is not punishment, nor a plea or game to get the other person to cave, or to take a break. NC is for each person to heal. To grieve the loss, to let go of feelings, and move on with their lives.

 

Sure it's painful, I see it all over the boards how it affects people, but if an A is truly over, NC has to happen.

[starryeyedsurprise]

Permanant NC. No calls, no texts, no facebook or internet stalking, no asking....no nothing. Some people do use it as a tool to make their ex miss them, get them back, etc. and you know what, it almost NEVER works. You go right back to the same nonsense.

I had a girlfriend, who did the NC for 30 days, got her ex back for 2 weeks and he dumped her again. So please people, do not use NC as a way to get them back, use it to heal and work on yourself.

[dichotomy]

Deleted

 

10 characters.

Edited December 4, 2013 by dichotomy

[Snipercatt]

If you want to change a habit you have to end a habit. NC does that.

 

I have spoken in the forums about lost love reunions having an addictive quality. They certainly are obsessive. Part of what causes this state of emotions is “going NC.” This interim, time out period sets up an insecure attachment, a withdrawal from the love partner. Anxiety builds up, wondering if the bond has been really severed by the lack of contact.

 

 

Again, if you are addicted to drugs, or alcohol, or obsessing about an addictive relationship, you can't continue to imbibe and hope to heal. Contact just reinforces your neediness and extends your time to heal.

Edited December 4, 2013 by Snipercatt

[MissBee]

Someone posted this article before.

 

"Let's talk again in a month" is not NC.

 

Real NC isn't a "break" to reconvene later and talk or resume the relationship. Real NC is ending the relationship and having no contact with this person so that you can move forward with your life. Affair or no affair, most people cannot wean themselves slowly off their ex in a way that is productive, most people try to though, and when they realize how much more painful and stuck it keeps them when they attempt to "be friends", is when they finally decide on NC to move on. I've tried the "let's immediately be friends" thing in regular breakups and in my A, and it didn't work and only caused more pain, confusion, ex-sex etc lol. NC isn't easy, detaching isn't easy, but the temporary anxiety and sadness beats the long drawn out process of an emotional A disguised as friendship or emotional R disguised as friendship.

 

What this author is labeling NC...i.e. a "timeout" to "catch one's breath" is not in fact what NC means or how I've ever understood it. There are loads of articles and "NC Guides" out there and almost all of them will state emphatically that NC isn't some game or time out where you take a breather and come back, but is supposed to be done when you've already decided to end things and just need to keep firm to your decision.

Edited December 4, 2013 by MissBee

[Snipercatt]

So testing a marriage vs, a lost love affair, to see which is more important, by setting up a withdrawal from the affair partner (which increases longing) will skew towards the affair every time, and this has nothing to do with whether the marriage or lost love relationship is “better.” Ask a cocaine addict to choose between his/her family or the drug, and the addict will pick the cocaine every time. Does this mean the cocaine is better for him/her than the family? Of course not.

 

 

 

Blue, you aren't making sense. Sure an addict wants what they last had (a hit of cocaine), but if they won't get sober taking additional hits. They can only get sober if they quit, cold turkey, forever, and let time heal. Continued hits just keep the hits coming.

[AlwaysGrowing]

This article assumes that both parties are taking a breather. That is not necessarily true at all.

 

The person initiating NC, usually has decided to end the relationship in its entirety. For the other person, to then assume that the party who initiated the NC is now building up longing, is false..and is setting themselves up for additional hurts.

 

When I ended my first marriage, I didn't realize that I choose NC at the time, but it is exactly what I did. I used lawyers to handle any legal issues, relationship issues were not an issue to me...as there wasn't going to be one, so I never engaged his attempts. As there was no point...for me.

[Ladydrib]

From a BS point of view, the NC is not a time out. It means the affair is over . There will be no going back. They are not to contact the person to prove they want to be married. I have heard of LC being a time out. Most people assume NC means the affair is over and everyone is going cold turkey .

 

When my WS ended it, he told her it was over and not to call again. He then made sure there was no way she could. That is when NC started. She knew there was no time out. I think holding on to the hope is what makes it harder to heal. Maybe there should be a clearer name for it.

 

After the second D day, the unsavory man I was involved with sent me one, one-liner which said he was staying with his wife. Then within 10 minutes he sent me two separate messages where he said "but my feelings for you remain" and "I don't want this". I accepted his first message. But then he came back after two weeks. When he came back he was back to his old tricks. Telling me that everything his wife said to me was a lie. (Probably telling her the same of me). Telling me that I betrayed his trust by being honest with his wife when SHE approached ME for answers. And yes, I bought into what he was saying again. Not 100% but he's quite convincing. Convincing enough to have his wife begging forgiveness for "her fault" in his cheating (this was a huge clue how manipulative and abusive he is). There are so many lies and manipulations on so many levels that he has created in both her and my mind it's sickening. He did not end anything with me, nor would he ever, not unless he simply lost interest in me. He fully intended to lie to us both so he could keep us both for as long as we would both allow it. NC for me was meant to bring truth to my mind. As long as I do not make myself available to listen to his lies (via NC) then I can rid myself of the toxic relationship he had no intention of ending. Oh and he gave his wife access to everything too. But he still found a way. I'm sure not all men are like this. I guess his wife and I were just extra, special, lucky to have met this one.

[waterwoman]

I thought that NC was the same as cold turkey. Isn't it meant to be?

[blue963]

I didnt write this. I found it on another website. The name of the article was given by the writer. I just wanted to give a little different view on no contact so that it may click for someone or help them. Sheez!

[elbe]

I feel like you don't get it. No contact is to terminate a relationship not fix one.

[Ladydrib]

I didnt write this. I found it on another website. The name of the article was given by the writer. I just wanted to give a little different view on no contact so that it may click for someone or help them. Sheez!

 

It's good to get different perspectives. I believe NC can be successful in ending an affair. I guess it depends on what someone's intent is. I used to initiate NC and hope that man would come back, and he would. So that story was true when I was using NC to try to make a statement to him.

 

I'm very happy to say that it's not the case for me this time! I'm not making any statements. I'm protecting myself from his words. :-) And I certainly do not hope he comes back. If he made contact with me that would only put me at risk again. I'm glad he's gone.

[MissBee]

This article assumes that both parties are taking a breather. That is not necessarily true at all.

 

The person initiating NC, usually has decided to end the relationship in its entirety. For the other person, to then assume that the party who initiated the NC is now building up longing, is false..and is setting themselves up for additional hurts.

 

When I ended my first marriage, I didn't realize that I choose NC at the time, but it is exactly what I did. I used lawyers to handle any legal issues, relationship issues were not an issue to me...as there wasn't going to be one, so I never engaged his attempts. As there was no point...for me.

 

Good point too.

 

NC isn't some new-fangled concept. For ages people have done NC without necessarily labeling it as such, i.e. cutting contact in order to detach and move on.

 

Some try to use it as a manipulation tactic or to increase longing and usually the results of the "success" with that are short-lived as real NC is detaching and separating yourself from this person physically and emotionally so that you can move on at the end of a R. Anything else is some misguided use of NC.

[MissBee]

I didnt write this. I found it on another website. The name of the article was given by the writer. I just wanted to give a little different view on no contact so that it may click for someone or help them. Sheez!

 

No one has attacked you btw...they're (or at least I am) strictly addressing the points in this article. I don't believe this author is using a definition of NC that is correct, so her conclusion about NC, based on an incorrect definition don't jive for me.

[Bootsie]

I think there might be at least 2 types of NC and the author is only talking about one type.

 

 

NC as I understand it, and in the context of a discovered infidelity, is not some agreement between the affair partners, but is an agreement between the married couple that the WS will no longer have contact with the AP. The OW/OM is not supposed to be involved in this type of NC.

 

 

In the context of an undiscovered (by the BS) infidelity then I suppose NC could be something an AP imposes to escape or get a breather from the affair, and this is the sort of NC I think the author is discussing.

[Walker69]

@Blue963

I agree your view.

I want to add my view -

Most importantly we are human and develop relationship with other human. NC is uncivilized way of dealing a relationship.

 

Some compare it with drug or nicotine addiction. Yes, you can get over such addiction by cold turkey. Remember that you are dealing with human here. Cutting off relationship is inhuman, selfish and uncivilized act.

 

If you want to end the relationship for whatever reason - sit down, talk and clearly say 'good-bye' but not NC. You may not contact her/him over phone, email, text as before when you were in relationship but if you see her or him in the future somewhere - you say "hello" and "how are you?". If you are unable to say this bit - you are selfish and uncivilized person.

[psm04]

@Blue963

 

If you want to end the relationship for whatever reason - sit down, talk and clearly say 'good-bye' but not NC. You may not contact her/him over phone, email, text as before when you were in relationship but if you see her or him in the future somewhere - you say "hello" and "how are you?". If you are unable to say this bit - you are selfish and uncivilized person.

 

This is where I want to get to. Neither myself nor xAp hate each other. Yes, we have to stop the A for everyone's sake, and that's what we are doing now, but I'd hope that after we come back from giving each other space to move on, we could get to this point where we can say hi or how are you, or be able to handle being around each other like civilized people at work events.