Feel like I'm losing him, he won't maintain contact

[RosieDunne]

Ok so I posted in one of the other boards about problems we've been having, but I really feel like I need to talk about this as well. It's only recently starting to become a really big problem to me as I've realised it's not just me being 'needy' and 'attention seeking' like he's led me to believe and like I've thought for so long, but that there is something not right about this I think.

 

He's 21, I'm 19, we were living together in my student house for about 2 months and we've been together nearly 2 years. He recently moved back home because he didn't like living here (had no job, no money, didn't like the noisy housemates, being in the same room all the time etc) all these things made him angry and miserable so every time I came home he'd just be SO moody and start arguing with me. Anyway, long story short we argued a lot and decided it would be best for him to go back home where he could get doll money for a while and get his life back on track a bit and that he'd come up and visit me instead.

 

It's been several weeks, maybe months now and he still has no job and no money because all of his doll money goes to his mum for bills. Because of this he hasn't been up to see me once because he can't afford it. But it's ok, I have money so I've been going down to see him although I feel a little hurt by his lack of effort to see me I know it isn't his fault.

 

Anyway, since all this happened I feel like we are really slipping apart. He's never been very good at communication over the internet - his messages are always really well punctuated, full stops everywhere and sound short and lacking emotion. I've brought it up a couple of times and he just says he's trying to be 'articulate' and sorry that he doesn't write like a five year old... I wasn't saying that, I just want him to put a little more emotion in his messages so it actually sounds like he misses me. Anyway, recently it's been getting a lot worse. He hardly EVER messages me throughout the week, I always always have to initiate conversation and even then I have to wait at least 10 hours each time to even get a response, most of the time it isn't a very inspiring response. He will say things like 'I miss you' sometimes but I'm not sure I altogether feel that he does... I try to have conversations with him but because it takes him SO long to reply we never really get to talk a proper flowing conversation. I've been getting so fed up of it recently that this week I just didn't message him at all, put him out of my head and waited for him to come to me. Today I actually got a message from him! It was to ask if I was ok and coming home this weekend, I replied within about a minute but he was already gone and I haven't heard from him since and now he's just been in my head ever since and it's really unfair of him to ALWAYS leave me hanging like that. Is it unreasonable to expect more conversation from him??

 

I really want to skype him but he has no webcam or microphone and can't be bothered to install it. He also has no phone credit EVER so never texts me or rings me, I sometimes ring him but being a student I don't have many minutes either. He said to me that he finds me really annoying to talk to online once and I don't understand what I've done to be annoying?? One time I did message him quite a long message while I was drunk which I now regret and he said it was really childish, the kind of thing pre-teens do but I only did it because I missed him. Anyway he said it pissed him off and he doesn't like to talk to me online. I don't know what I'm supposed to do??

 

I only get to see him at weekends now, if that, which after living with him is very difficult and I always have to be the one to train home.

 

I care about him a lot and we always have an amazing time when we see each other, he's affectionate and loving and everything I want him to be but why can't he be like that during the week and show that he misses me?? Thing is, I don't think he does miss me anymore. Our relationship is a bit on the rocks at the moment so I don't feel it's ok to bring this up with him or it will just make him feel more like we aren't working.. I love him a lot I really don't want us to end but so many things are telling me to run away.

 

We nearly broke up a couple of weeks ago over the phone can I add which was incredibly unpleasant of him. I'd just finished all my assessment and was really looking forward to celebrating with my friends (which he knew) and then he dropped that massive bombshell on me and I was unable to enjoy myself at all and ended up not going out because of it which I thought was incredibly selfish. After the phone call I felt so awful at the idea of us breaking up (he said we'd talk about him when I next saw him which wouldn't be for a week) so for a WEEK I was left thinking we were over, not allowed to talk to him about it. I asked him if I could train home that night to see him as I really needed to talk about it but he said he didn't want to see me that night. I spent a week not eating, not thinking, not doing anything just literally lying in my bed and crying all day and hoping to fall asleep so I wouldn't hurt about it anymore. After this horrible horrible week I finally got to see him and he acted like everything was fine and normal and we got on AMAZINGLY well and I stayed the whole week and we just had a perfect week. That was last week. Now I feel really uneasy because our relationship feels really unstable and having experienced what it felt like to think we were broken up I REALLY don't want to break up again.

 

I'm so sorry for the long post but I just feel really awful

[Toddbt12y1]

If this relationship is making you feel this stressed. This unhappy. This worried about whether you'll get a meaningful message from him; emotions. The hopes he will get a job(why doesn't he have a job? It shouldn't take years to get one). Instead of waiting and clinging to a hope that will only leave you with the same defeated despair, move on.

 

Then again, he might just be unable to communicate with you properly online. Text is very hard to read the emotions. I can get this. But, him delaying texts. Not wanting to see you, etc. Just screams bad.

 

Once again: Should a relationship be this stressful, a constant pain, and emotionally charged as this one is? You should be having fun, enjoying your time. Focusing on school(not having tths distraction). He does sound selfish....

 

You truly have a lot to think about. In the end...you have to do what is right for you...you know?

[FitChick]

In her other thread she says they haven't had sex more than six times in two years and he isn't really interested. This relationship has become a habit, nothing more.

[MidwestUSA]

Listen to the things that are telling you to run away (basing this on your other thread too). This guy can't be bothered with ANYTHING!

 

What's doll money?

[xUnknown]

I didn't read your post, but I'll go back when I have time. I just read the comments. But, What is your gut telling you. Based off the comments your gut is telling you that this relationship isn't for you. Don't justify staying...listen to your gut and move forward with your life.

[Meadowgreen]

Hi Rosie...

 

 

Ho boy.

 

 

Honestly, I only made it about 2 thirds of the way through your post before I skim-read to the end and sighed. This guy sounds about as charismatic as a doorknob.My heckles shot up like crazy to read his frankly bitchy comment about not writing like a 5 year old...

 

I really need to know what you see in him, hun. Is he really hot? Is he a good shag? what is it? Because nothing you've said here would compel a girl who knows her worth and knows she deserves a loving, attentive boyfriend to stay.

 

The fact that he squabbles with you over something as so-not-a-big-deal as noisy flatmates and being in close quarters kinda rings alarm bells to me. He doesn't seem to give a rat's ass about your feelings. If anything, it seems to me that he's acting like a bellend to see if you'll eventually get bored and ditch him, and I suspect because he's too much of a wimp to actually put you out of your misery.

 

When you're in the year 2 phase of the relationship - provided it's a happy one - you're just coming out of that heady honeymoon phase and easing into something easy-going, comfortable and intimate. Add to the fact that his love for you should have made him forsake all of that nonsense and stay put so he could remain close to you.

 

If this dude was determined to be with you, he'd have the stones to say to his Mum "look, my gf is far away, I'm going to lose her unless I put a tenner a week aside to go see her" unless she's a complete witch, she'd understand. Then you say that you're constantly going down to see him, and steadily I'm starting to realise that you, lovely one, are doing ALL the running around while this helmet sits back and plays with his dollies. You say it's okay but it's NOT! It's not ok because it's not EQUAL!

 

So let's recap:

 

• He hardly ever initiates contact with you
   
  
• He slips you the once-in-a-blue-moon 'I miss you' out of pity
   
  
• He has the emotional range of a teaspoon, to quote Miss Hermione Granger\
   
  
• He leaves you hanging for HOURS due to his busy schedule of playing with Ken and Barbie
   
  
• He insults you / patronises you / manipulates you / throws you breadcrumbs of affection to keep you hanging
   
  
• ...he's a knob.
   
  
• dolls.
   
  
• ???
   
  
• PROFIT?!
  

 

Sophie, I've been there.

 

I've been so dependent on a man to validate me that his every fart was more significant than anything I had to contribute, but you gotta understand, he's treating you like crap because you're letting him.

 

You're terrified to lose him and be alone, and that really makes my heart do a sadface because it IS a ****** feeling, but once you're over the initial plunge into melancholy, I PROMISE you you'll be glad you kicked him to the kerb.

[nomadic_butterfly]

Ok so I posted in one of the other boards about problems we've been having, but I really feel like I need to talk about this as well. It's only recently starting to become a really big problem to me as I've realised it's not just me being 'needy' and 'attention seeking' like he's led me to believe and like I've thought for so long, but that there is something not right about this I think.

 

He's 21, I'm 19, we were living together in my student house for about 2 months and we've been together nearly 2 years. He recently moved back home because he didn't like living here (had no job, no money, didn't like the noisy housemates, being in the same room all the time etc) all these things made him angry and miserable so every time I came home he'd just be SO moody and start arguing with me. Anyway, long story short we argued a lot and decided it would be best for him to go back home where he could get doll money for a while and get his life back on track a bit and that he'd come up and visit me instead.

 

It's been several weeks, maybe months now and he still has no job and no money because all of his doll money goes to his mum for bills. Because of this he hasn't been up to see me once because he can't afford it. But it's ok, I have money so I've been going down to see him although I feel a little hurt by his lack of effort to see me I know it isn't his fault.

 

Anyway, since all this happened I feel like we are really slipping apart. He's never been very good at communication over the internet - his messages are always really well punctuated, full stops everywhere and sound short and lacking emotion. I've brought it up a couple of times and he just says he's trying to be 'articulate' and sorry that he doesn't write like a five year old... I wasn't saying that, I just want him to put a little more emotion in his messages so it actually sounds like he misses me. Anyway, recently it's been getting a lot worse. He hardly EVER messages me throughout the week, I always always have to initiate conversation and even then I have to wait at least 10 hours each time to even get a response, most of the time it isn't a very inspiring response. He will say things like 'I miss you' sometimes but I'm not sure I altogether feel that he does... I try to have conversations with him but because it takes him SO long to reply we never really get to talk a proper flowing conversation. I've been getting so fed up of it recently that this week I just didn't message him at all, put him out of my head and waited for him to come to me. Today I actually got a message from him! It was to ask if I was ok and coming home this weekend, I replied within about a minute but he was already gone and I haven't heard from him since and now he's just been in my head ever since and it's really unfair of him to ALWAYS leave me hanging like that. Is it unreasonable to expect more conversation from him??

 

I really want to skype him but he has no webcam or microphone and can't be bothered to install it. He also has no phone credit EVER so never texts me or rings me, I sometimes ring him but being a student I don't have many minutes either. He said to me that he finds me really annoying to talk to online once and I don't understand what I've done to be annoying?? One time I did message him quite a long message while I was drunk which I now regret and he said it was really childish, the kind of thing pre-teens do but I only did it because I missed him. Anyway he said it pissed him off and he doesn't like to talk to me online. I don't know what I'm supposed to do??

 

I only get to see him at weekends now, if that, which after living with him is very difficult and I always have to be the one to train home.

 

I care about him a lot and we always have an amazing time when we see each other, he's affectionate and loving and everything I want him to be but why can't he be like that during the week and show that he misses me?? Thing is, I don't think he does miss me anymore. Our relationship is a bit on the rocks at the moment so I don't feel it's ok to bring this up with him or it will just make him feel more like we aren't working.. I love him a lot I really don't want us to end but so many things are telling me to run away.

 

We nearly broke up a couple of weeks ago over the phone can I add which was incredibly unpleasant of him. I'd just finished all my assessment and was really looking forward to celebrating with my friends (which he knew) and then he dropped that massive bombshell on me and I was unable to enjoy myself at all and ended up not going out because of it which I thought was incredibly selfish. After the phone call I felt so awful at the idea of us breaking up (he said we'd talk about him when I next saw him which wouldn't be for a week) so for a WEEK I was left thinking we were over, not allowed to talk to him about it. I asked him if I could train home that night to see him as I really needed to talk about it but he said he didn't want to see me that night. I spent a week not eating, not thinking, not doing anything just literally lying in my bed and crying all day and hoping to fall asleep so I wouldn't hurt about it anymore. After this horrible horrible week I finally got to see him and he acted like everything was fine and normal and we got on AMAZINGLY well and I stayed the whole week and we just had a perfect week. That was last week. Now I feel really uneasy because our relationship feels really unstable and having experienced what it felt like to think we were broken up I REALLY don't want to break up again.

 

I'm so sorry for the long post but I just feel really awful

 

I think you need to be careful not to be delusional and grasp onto marginal efforts on his part and call them "amazing." I've skimmed through your post and I am sorry but he is too lazy to plug in a cam/mic? How much effort does that really take?

 

He doesn't value YOU or your relationship because you hand everything to him on a platter and he sees he doesn't need to earn a darn thing with you. He automatically gets what he wants from you, when, how and if he wants. You relationship is imbalanced and this is the precedent that you have set by not putting your foot down from the beginning and standing firm in your standards.

 

This relationship unless some miracle happens has a bleak future. Hate to be negative but it is true. He is lazy, selfish, self absorbed and you are an enabler. I sound harsh but you needed this reality check. Move on to a man who will COMPROMISE, have ambition within his own life and thinks enough of you to not always have lame excuses for his inaptitudes and reluctance.

 

Learn to respect yourself, value yourself, and let this be known from the beginning of the next relationship you get into or else history will repeat itself.

[RosieDunne]

Thank you to everyone that gave me replies! I sound like such a whiner but it has really helped to be able to talk about these things and not be made to feel like I'm being stupid.

 

Toddbt12y1 - I have begun to re-evaluate how happy I am in this relationship, it causes me incredible amounts of stress and pressure every time I think about it, which is nearly every day so I really don't feel happy. But at the same time I know I would feel a lot worse without him and he does make me happy when we're together. I don't really know why he hasn't got a job yet to be honest - he's apparently been applying to a lot but I don't think he's really been putting the effort in because he doesn't have to. At the moment he can just sit in front of his computer all day making music and doing whatever he wants so I think to be quite honest he cannot be arsed. I agree with the communication thing though, I think he does just have difficulty expressing emotion online because if ever I bring it up he'll be like what are you talking about? I do tell you I miss you and I do talk to you.. but I just don't feel like it's enough where he thinks it is.

 

MidwestUSA - to be honest, he is pretty lazy. He never puts much effort in to make me happy. But saying that I feel really bad because when he does put the effort in, he is really lovely.

Oh and doll money is unemployment benefit, I'm not sure if that's how you spell doll money actually haha I've just heard people call it that!

 

Meadowgreen - He is really lovely, like he'll give me really wonderful massages and cuddle me until I fall asleep even if he isn't tired and he'll buy me chocolate sometimes and he did once get me flowers even though he didn't have much money and he ALWAYS came to see me when I lived at my normal home - always paying £10 every weekend to come and see me, we'll often go for a meal at our favourite restaurant which is really lovely and he bought me some really lovely (and expensive!) perfume for my birthday and my favourite snacks and he does try really hard sometimes, I think he just thinks it's ok to be nice sometimes and then put no effort in other times. But I feel cruel now because he does do a lot of lovely things for me like these and he'll cuddle with me lots and we'll watch our favourite programmes and sometimes drink wine together and listen to our favourite music and what more than that can I ask for really? I just want someone to look after me and love me, and he does. I do see a lot in him, he does all these things and has some really nice qualities and makes me laugh and looks after me and if ever I'm upset he's SO lovely to me, cuddling me and rubbing my back until I feel better and he is very attractive so I'm drawn to him physically as well and we have SO many things in common, we like all the same things and he loves to play games with me (I'm a bit lame, I love board and computer games) but so does he and we'll always have the best time. I'm so torn because there's so many nice things about him but also these little things that keep niggling at the back of my mind. I agree with everything you're saying though! Thanks for your feedback, I do think he has these tantrums over nothing. Like one time he had this massive argument with me over the internet because I said I thought he was coming to see me and it turns out he wasnt so he got angry at ME for getting it wrong?? I don't even know what happened that night, he just has a REALLY short temper when it comes to talking online.

 

Part of me wants to get out, the other part wants to never leave. I know we won't be together that much longer, I can't see this lasting more than a few more years at most but I'm beginning to worry we won't make it a few more months. I don't know. Things do seem to be improving though, I think I just need to give it some time...

 

nomadic_butterfly - Thanks for your advice! I think I am making it too easy for him, I just lie back and take anything from him, I think he thinks he can do anything and get away with it. He often tells me I need to be more in control and push him around but I'm not very good at that... how can I be more assertive in every day life? I think maybe I need to tell him that he needs to start putting more effort in or he'll lose me.. but I'm worried he'll just say fine lets break up then because he was the one that almost broke up with me a few weeks ago.

 

This is really hard. I think I am a bit naive - he's my first long term relationship so I don't really have anything to compare to so I don't know if how he acts sometimes is ok or not? I don't know if I'm being treated how any boyfriend would treat me or if he's taking advantage of the fact that I don't have any other experience? I feel like I need to take control of this relationship, because at the moment he's the one holding all the strings and he can say he wants to break up and I'll do anything to get him back, where as really it should be the other way round... because as I see it I've done nothing wrong here where as he has.

He said I was too emotional for him recently but I've only been so emotional because I've been driven so CRAZY by him. It's an ongoing cycle. I should be enjoying this relationship but I feel like I'm working at it almost every day.

I don't know what to do.

Everyone keeps saying end it but that isn't an option for me yet, I'm not ready to be by myself and he is lovely to me when I see him and I can't imagine being without him and not being able to cuddle with him anymore

[RosieDunne]

Also, meadowgreen - right? that's exactly what I thought, he could easily ask his mum to let him keep some money to see me, she's TOTALLY understand, I feel like he's simply using her as an excuse to not have to waste his money on coming to see me

[RosieDunne]

Ok I just have to post this conversation I've had with him, I am SO angry and really just want some second opinions on this chat. This is not ok is it??? The way he treats me.. I hate it. And he just buggers off when he doesn't want to talk about it anymore and now I'm left feeling really angry. Here's the conversation, please tell me what you think of it!

 

me: are you sure you don't want to see me tomorrow night? I was really looking forward to seeing you and fancy coming to yours for a night!

It's boring being here and at ((where I live)) all the time

I really liked being at yours last week

 

him: Nahh, because I've got a lot to do tomorrow and I want to come back and work on stuff.

 

me: like what?

 

him: Reason projects. ((it's a music programme))

 

me: haha oh

 

him: Doing it makes me feel like I've achieved something.

 

me: but I don't come back very often and you get so much time to yourself in the week? Can you not spare a night for your girlfriend?

 

him: Nahh, because I like the balance at the minute.

I don't want to ruin it.

 

me: it makes you feel like you're achieving something but it makes me feel like I'm losing something

 

him: My life is far more contempt than yours at the minute.

I need it.

 

me: I'm by myself all week in a foreign city trying to work hard and you think playing with music all day is harder?

I just want to see my boyfriend

 

him: Im fine with how things are.

 

me: I'm not trying to have a go I just feel a bit lonely not seeing or hearing from you all the time

I'm not, you never even talk to me

and now I'm home you don't want to see me?

 

him: I'm going, alright.

?*

I don't want to talk about it.

 

me:wait what?

can we not talk?

you always disappear it's really frustrating

I just want a conversation with you

about anything really

 

him: Well then don't have ago at me.

 

me: you never talk to me about things

I'm not!

I'm just trying to say I feel a bit let down that you don't want to see me

I feel like you never put any effort in to us

I'm not trying to be horrible I'm just saying what I think

because you do it quite a lot and I want a say haha

I don't want to fight I just wondered why you aren't excited at seeing me?

are you seeing someone else?

 

him: What do you think? That's rhetorical.

 

me: is it?

I'm not sure at the moment

I hoped you'd talk to me this week because you missed me but you disappeared

 

him: I still think we're dysfunctional and it's not working.

 

me: I get so excited to see you and you blow me off to be with reason

I feel like I'm always putting in all the work

You don't maintain any contact with me but then we have these amazing weekends and I don't know what's happening

I had such a lovely time last time I saw you

it's all I was thinking about, but I haven't had a single hello since

I don't want to fight I just feel this is a bit imbalanced at the moment and I'd hoped to see you happy at the thought of seeing me

please don't tell me you've buggered off again, can we not talk about this without you running away? I just feel I need to say something because I don't think you're being fair and I miss you

oi, cheesehead. stop being a child haha

grr

((he had gone offline for a while))

 

him: I'm fine with how things are for now, if you want to change that we'll have problems again

 

me: ((trying to keep the mood light for a change)) aha he lives!

I am fine with things

I just wish you'd talk to me sometimes

I find it a bit strange

 

him: I need to go to bed because I have to get up.

 

me: oh ok

 

him: Goodnight xxxxxx

 

me: well I might go back home on friday

so I dont know when I'll see you now

goodnight xxxxxxxxx

but I hope its soon

(because I have lectures)

 

him: What are you on about?

What.. during the weekend?

 

me: I'm not sure what's happening which is why I wanted to see you, otherwise I'll have to get 4 trains!

I might be staying though I don't know yet, depends if the lectures rescheduled

 

him: I don't understand you, why not open with that.

 

me: I already told you last time I saw you?

I swear you never listen to me...

haha

 

him: Oh yeah because I'll remember that.

bye.

 

me: wait

I thought you would?

I would if it was me

I always think about when I can see you

don't be so rude.

I don't believe you sometimes

 

((he's now gone.))

 

EDIT: ok, he's just come back and said:

I'm sorry, I will make more of an effort.

I don't know what's wrong with me at the minute.

I did really enjoy last week too.

 

and he's started being nice again and telling me to stay, so that's a good sign right? At least I can sleep easy tonight now. I think he maybe picked up on the fact I was being more assertive and not letting him totally walk over me after the 'dysfunctional' comment? Maybe I just need to be more like that to make him see how he's being.

Edited December 5, 2013 by RosieDunne

[WrinkledForehead]

"him: I still think we're dysfunctional and it's not working."

 

When people tell you what they think, believe them.

 

I wouldn't waste anymore breath on someone who didn't want, and make an effort to, see me.

[TMichaels]

Three words...

 

Pretzel

 

Doormat

 

Crumbs

 

 

Why are you putting up with such sh|te?

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Toddbt12y1]

You only think you would be worse off without him. All you know is this relationship and him. Only for a while would you be worse off, as you went through emotions and adjustments to being single, and trying to find someone better.

 

You seem to be dependent on him; despite this constant, continual problems that arise. Despite how you honestly feel. If he will not be motivated for you, he never will be.

 

Point in case: Unhappiness is on the horizon(constantly), all for a form of dependency. Ask him...If he will come and see you next time? If not, tell him you won't see him then until he makes an effort. His reaction will tell you enough.

[Meadowgreen]

Oh my god.

 

Dump this smug prick now. RIGHT now.

 

Everything you said was perfectly rational, and he just completely fobbed you off. Your feelings mean **** to him, Rosie! Surely you can see that. I think I know why you haven't attempted to call things off though - youre scared he won't fight for you, as if that means youre not worth fighting for at all. Sweetie, you are, but this douche knows he holds all the cards.

 

Imma break this down for you:

 

him: Nahh, because I've got a lot to do tomorrow and I want to come back and work on stuff. (AKA IDC)

 

him: Nahh, because I like the balance at the minute. (AKA I'M LAZY AND IDC)

 

him:I don't want to ruin it. (AKA IDC ENOUGH TO KNOW IF WHAT IM DOING IS RUINING IT SO LOL)

 

him: Im fine with how things are. (AKA SHUT UP AND LEAVE IF YOU'RE NOT, IDC)

 

him: I'm going, alright (aka END OF CONVERSATION IDC LOL)

 

him: I still think we're dysfunctional and it's not working (aka I'M A SNIVELLING LITTLE RUNT WHO CAN'T MAN UP AND DUMP YOU SO YOU DO IT FOR ME PLZ ^__^)

 

 

Dump him.

 

Dump him.

 

DUMP. HIM.

I cannot express to you what a disservice you're doing to yourself by staying with him. Call it off and never look back. You can do soooooo much better.

Edited December 5, 2013 by Meadowgreen

[RosieDunne]

Thank you for your understanding replies! I've been thinking this over and over for so long now and I really don't know what to do. I'm leaning more and more towards the fact that if he doesn't start treating me a bit better I need to eave because this relationship is draining so much out of me and it shouldn't be like that But I do still want to be with him - perhaps because I'm a little bit scared of being alone but also because we do have the best time when we''re together and I don't think it's right yet. The more I think about it the more I prepare myself for our inevitable break up and will (hopefully) make it hurt less when that time comes so it's not like I'm running away from the idea entirely.. but I don't want to break up with him either. He does talk to me like a pompous arrogant **** a lot of the time and I'm beginning to get really fed up of it... but this time he did come back and apologise and say he didn't know what had gotten into him and he asked me to please please stay here so he could see me this weekend. And he's NEVER done that before, he's never come back and admitted he was in the wrong so I'm hoping maybe things are changing slightly? Meadowgreen, you're so right when you say that he knows he holds all the cards - that's exactly it, he has total control over this relationship and he knows it. But my attitude is changing very quickly and I feel a lot stronger having thought about it so much so slowly, maybe, I think I might be regaining control of this relationship. I think he picked up on my change in attitude, the fact I didn't get upset over his dysfunctional comment I think made him realise he doesn't control me as much as he thinks he did. He keeps using comments like that as a weapon - telling me he doesn't think things are working when he isn't getting his way and basically wants me to suck up to him to fix our relationship because he knows I care which quite frankly, if it's true, is cruel and twisted. But to be fair, I gave him that control by being so weak in the first place. So if I just continue to toughen up I think maybe that's all we need, he's always said he wants me to be stronger and if I start being more in control I think he might respect me more and therefore treat me better for it. He once said to me he likes to tease me and hurt me because he can, because it's easy. And he said it's hard to respect someone without a backbone. As I read these words back to myself while typing them I realise how stupid it sounds that I'm still with him. But he is a decent guy and I'm going to keep trying until the end. If nothing changes I'm beginning to realise I may have to face the fact we don't work anymore. I hate this so much. Why do relationships never work out the way you want them to. We were so happy before, planning all our arrangements for living together and going on trips to center parcs and staying over each others houses for weeks on end, and now it's all just crumbling apart.

[TMichaels]

He once said to me he likes to tease me and hurt me because he can, because it's easy. And he said it's hard to respect someone without a backbone. As I read these words back to myself while typing them I realise how stupid it sounds that I'm still with him. But he is a decent guy and I'm going to keep trying until the end.

 

Newsflash: DECENT guys do not say things or treat people like that ESPECIALLY their significant others. Chicken-sh|ts on ego-trips, do.

 

Sorry Rosie, but the only sane thought (albeit fleeting) that you've had is boldfaced above. Instead of spending so much time analyzing his behavior why don't you spend some time on analyzing your own?

 

As in, why are you so desperate for this loser's attention? Do you honestly have no sense of self-worth?

 

You're letting this guy insult and disrespect you six ways to Sunday and continue to make excuse after excuse for his sh|te behavior. That says loads not only about him, but more importantly, *everything* about you.

 

Put your big girl panties on Rosie, and get some self-respect. Believe me, he's not going to give you any nor should he. It's your problem you let others walk all over you and it's sh|ts like him that have little guilt or remorse over doing so -- no matter what they say.

 

His "apology" is nothing more than a self-serving form of insurance -- and it's worked. All he had to do is throw you a few crumbs after treating you worse than a stray dog and just as he figured - Voila! -- he's back in your good graces. I bet he's laughing his hiney off about what a push-over you are and how easily and reliably he can push your buttons for his own amusement and gratification.

 

Do you understand how pathetic that is? But apparently you don't think so -- or else you wouldn't be putting up with his crap for a nano-second.

 

If I were you, "Mr. IDC" would be spending the weekend all by his lonesome. And I'd be spending it rewarding myself for finally waking up and getting some b@lls of my own.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[KatZee]

OK, so I get that you love him and want him to "treat you better" but honestly nothing you do, nothing you say, is going to "make him" do anything. HE has to want to put forth this effort himself, and honestly it sounds like he couldn't care any less about you, or this relationship and he flat out said that you guys were dysfunctional and it's not working.

 

I think he's staying merely out of obligation, not out of any sort of love for you. I think he feels sorry for you, and I think he probably feels a lot of guilt because you're giving and giving and giving and going out of your way and trying, and he's not doing a thing. THESE are the reasons he's still with you. I think he's too scared to pull the plug, fear of hurting you, or just fear in general.

 

This guy is never going to be what you want him to be. "He's just not that into you" is very apparent here.

 

You really need to just stop with the nagging and moaning to him. He. Doesn't. Care. He doesn't want to hear it. That's why he always "buggers off." It's because he does not care, and he'd rather be anywhere else than listen to you go on and on about how you're so lonely and sad and miss him and yadda yadda. Save your breath.

 

This relationship isn't going anywhere, and if you really think about it, it's actually regressing, not progressing. You go from living together and being in contact, to him moving out, no contact, nothing. It's like he's pulling a very slow fade out on you.

 

You say how YOU'RE going to try up until the end...you do know relationships take two people, correct? It's not about you pulling your weight and his weight as well.

 

It's going to be hard since you love him so much, but seriously, it's time to move on. There's nothing to see here anymore.

Edited December 6, 2013 by KatZee

[OnlyHonesty]

There is no relationship. You fear being alone but you are already alone. You do not respect yourself so this guy never will.

 

You are afraid of being in your own company so you put up with crumbs from someone else who is no good. Instead of investing so much time into a guaranteed failure, you should be spending it on yourself, finding yourself, increasing your self esteem and figuring out why you can't stand your own company.

 

If you do not, you will just jump into another poor relationship next time, rinse and repeat. You are young now so probably not thinking ahead but if you continue like this, you will probably just go from one bad guy to the next, end up bitter and will potentially go on about how you want a nice guy when you just spend time ignoring all of them in favour of idiots like the one you are currently with.

 

The fact is, I guarantee you there is a nice guy out there or in your vicinity who will treat you right, who will visit you, who will always communicate and who will always be there. However, I wonder if you even truly want this. Perhaps your current self worth does not feel you deserve this hence why you put up with this current nonsense.

 

Either way, if you do not end this, you will regret it even more.

[Zahara]

me: wait

I thought you would?

I would if it was me

I always think about when I can see you

don't be so rude.

I don't believe you sometimes

 

EDIT: ok, he's just come back and said:

I'm sorry, I will make more of an effort.

I don't know what's wrong with me at the minute.

I did really enjoy last week too.

 

and he's started being nice again and telling me to stay, so that's a good sign right? At least I can sleep easy tonight now. I think he maybe picked up on the fact I was being more assertive and not letting him totally walk over me after the 'dysfunctional' comment? Maybe I just need to be more like that to make him see how he's being.

 

I'm not sure where you come off as assertive. I only see a woman that is groveling for attention.

 

The only reason he's apologized is because he has to rope in the benefit (you). The moment he felt you get mad, it dawned on him that you could slip away so he hit the reset button, got you calm and in your good graces again. It had nothing to do with you being "assertive".

[BOREDouttaMymind]

you know whats going to happen, it just sucks that its going to happen.

 

ya, the relationship is slowly ending, but you know what? youll be ok.

[RosieDunne]

Ok, first of all I appreciate very much the comments everyone has left me and for your advice. I know I'm coming across as pretty pathetic and need to build up my self esteem and be stronger etc, and thank you for being so honest with me, I know I need it.

 

But also, there's something that you're all not taking into account - apart from the bad communication when we're apart, we do have an incredible time when we're together. Which is more important, right?

 

I've been staying round his this weekend so seeing him is allowing me to ask myself all this questions while I'm with him to decide if this is really working or not. I brought up the lack of communication thing and he apologised, saying he knows it's wrong and he's sorry and that he doesn't understand why he's being like that lately and that he'll be better from now on. He continued to explain that he's just been feeling really low at the moment - he hardly ever leaves the house, he's been unable to find a job even though he's applied for loads, he has no money and all of his friends have moved away to university etc so he has noone to communicate with at all except me so I can understand why he's feeling a bit low and lonely. He explained that's it's quite hard to get back into the flow of talking to me when he's alone for so much of the week (which is actually understandable, even if you don't agree.) Anyway, once again we've been having a really nice time and we've discussed the issues slightly, neither of us really wants to talk about things not working as we both want things to work. He actually said to me earlier completely out the blue "Please don't leave me will you" and when I confront him about him thinking this relationship is dysfunctional, or about him wanting to leave he says "no I don't want that really, I just feel strange when you're not here, but I don't want you to leave." So now I'm a little confused as it seems he really does actually care about me and doesn't want this to end. I came to his house this weekend with full intentions of ending things if this weekend didn't go well, but now once again I feel the complete opposite. He even asked me to spend christmas with him and his family, saying he really wanted me there - surely he wouldn't have offered that if he wanted things to end?? He also keeps talking about us going to center parcs together again, and when I say "but is it a good idea to book something like that if we might not be together then?" And he said of course we'll be together.. He's also been really sweet, cuddling me and saying nice things to me, we've been doing everything we normally do, getting on great and having fun and he's even been much more intimate with me this weekend, initiating things sexually as well as just hugging and things. So now I don't really know what to think. These are all signs that he's committed to this relationship right?

[justwhoiam]

Basically, if what you have now is what you would be happy with long-term, then go on with it. You need to look deep...

 

About finding work, around Christmas, there's usually plenty available, even if it's temporary. Many shops need more staff, especially in toy departments, or for demos... Anyway, if all his effort is writing people and never get out of his place, he's going to lose many opportunities. Some shops put a sign on their window, when they need help/new staff. Or he might enter the shop/store and ask directly. One thing for sure, if his method got zero results, it's not working. So he should at least try other methods too.

 

There's a chance he doesn't want you to leave him because he has no one else, not because he's madly in love with you... See what happens from now till January and then decide what to do about the relationship.

[Meadowgreen]

It's still my gut feeling Rosie that this guy is taking you for granted, but ultimately it's up to you what you do with your life and who you share it with.

 

I'm weary that he's giving you lip service - he's treated you very shabbily but I imagine he'd sooner be with someone he feels 'meh' about than actually be alone. I know he's said all these sweet things to you when you saw him, but where's the consistency? Where's the reassurance when you guys aren't physically together? Where's the sensitivity to your feelings when you're missing him like any good, devoted girlfriend should?

 

I also fear that because you desperately want this relationship to work, you may be blowing his sudden change of heart out of proportion. I say that because I and many people I know have done it too. When you want someone to love you and treasure you as much as you want this guy to, it's very easy to convince yourself that their words mean more than they actually do.

 

I appreciate what you're saying about 'having an incredible time when together' but I still feel that there' an imbalance with how he is when you're apart. It's almost like an 'out of sight, out of mind' thing yknow? Like he physically needs you in front of him - your pretty face, your cute mannerisms, the body that he finds sexually attractive - to remind him 'oh yeah, I DO sorta like this girl'.

 

Hopefully I'm wrong. Hopefully since that convo the other night he felt guilty and realised what he could potentially lose. It's my experience however that mediocre boyfriends tend to stay that way and are never inspired to change while their girlfriend runs after them for attention. So with this in mind, do start establishing boundaries and tell him when he's upsetting you.

 

The job situation is a tough one - if he specialises in something, like a freelancer in the design industry for instance, than yes that work can be tough, and it can be very demoralising when you've applied for lots of jobs and heard nothing back. I really feel for people in your age group (I'm assuming 16-25?) You guys have it incredibly rough with this culture of 'you need the experience but there's nowhere you can get the experience'.

 

You don't need to worry that you're coming off as pathetic. As you can imagine, we've seen it all here on LS. We've seen people utterly humiliate themselves in ways you can't imagine just to get a sniff of attention off someone. You don't fall into this category. Instead, you're a young woman still figuring out what she needs from a relationship and why. We all go through this. It's essential.

 

See how things go. Who knows? Maybe since you talked to him he's got his act together and realised he has to treat you right. I hope for your sake this is the case, I genuinely do.

Edited December 8, 2013 by Meadowgreen

[Conners]

Listen to the things that are telling you to run away (basing this on your other thread too). This guy can't be bothered with ANYTHING!

 

What's doll money?

 

She must be in Australia, and i think she means "dole money" which is money from the government when you are un-employed and actively looking for a job.

[Meadowgreen]

She must be in Australia, and i think she means "dole money" which is money from the government when you are un-employed and actively looking for a job.

 

Either Australia or the UK. We say dolemoney over here in England for unemployment benefits.