How to stop sabotaging relationships?

[LovesickAlberta]

I'm not sure why I do this, or what brings it on. Recently this young woman who I always found attractive and had feelings for announced she had a crush on me years ago, and wanted to meet me. Normally, I am pretty cool, and play the dating game well- except when someone I truly have many feelings for, and feel is "too good" for me, comes around and wants a relationship.

 

We never got past online chatting. I totally ruined everything. I sent two rude and judgmental emails for virtually no reason, something completely uncharacteristic of me. Then I ended up telling her I loved her, etc. a couple of weeks later out of desperation. It was a losing battle. I pushed her away completely.

 

All my life I have bad depression and self-confidence issues. It was like a voice in my head telling me "you're going to fail" or "you're just going to disappoint her." I'm having a real hard time forgiving myself for messing this up, especially when this is totally uncharacteristic of me, especially when dating other women, and the fact that I felt like I had no control over my actions.

Edited December 4, 2013 by LovesickAlberta

[carhill]

Are you uncomfortable with strong emotions?

 

If you normally process desire/acceptance/rejection with little fanfare, why do you think it's different in romantic relationships/pursuits?

 

Perhaps one exercise is to close up the chasm between how you feel when dating women you don't have 'feelings' for versus those you do have 'feelings' for. Care more about the former and care less about the latter. The root emotions can remain static but you can choose to process the care differently, affecting your behavior and responses.

 

If this is persistent and inhibits the formation of healthy intimate relationships, perhaps consulting a professional would be helpful. I learned a lot of this stuff in MC when I was married. Good luck.

[LovesickAlberta]

 

If this is persistent and inhibits the formation of healthy intimate relationships, perhaps consulting a professional would be helpful. I learned a lot of this stuff in MC when I was married. Good luck.

 

 

I think I may go for that. It was her initially saying that she had strong feelings for me, and wanted to meet. If it had just been "let's go for coffee" or something, i would not have reacted as I did. I just had all this negativity thinking I would let this person down. I've felt depressed for the last 3 months, so maybe it could be related to that. I wish I knew what to do to stop this from happening again.

[LovesickAlberta]

hi lovesickalberta,

 

when life looks dull, dreary, lacking potential, & then something comes along almost magically wiping it away, of course some part of the self says 'wtf? nope. too good to be true. abort. abort.'

 

i'm beginning to accept that relationships are best entered into when all of one's personal needs are being met, there are few if any issues of self-care, & lost parts of self have been recovered & given the sun & nurturance needed to fully live.

 

otherwise, a new person can be seen as that ray of sun that really should come from the self. the unfulfilled self recognizes that.

 

j

 

I can't believe how well you put that, especially the bolded part. That is EXACTLY how I was feeling. I almost felt like saying "can you come back in 6-8 weeks?" considering the other times I have experienced clinical depression lasted usually 3-4 months.

 

I wish I could have avoided conversing with her for the past 5 weeks. Now she thinks I'm a bad person. Ironically, if we had met in the summer, I would have handled it fine...

[LovesickAlberta]

I'm going to wait until the fog lifts over my head, and just write a email explaining things in 3 months time, if I am over it, which I should be. How would I explain this to someone? I know it has to be depression, after thinking how rotten I have been feeling since September. She is a social worker, ironically, so she may understand. Who knows?