Toning down presents over Xmas.

[Darwined]

So I'm in the age old situation where my best friend is a girl and I have feelings for her..she knows of them, but basically pretends they don't exist. We never got physically intimate outside of kissing and she now has a regular boyfriend. We've always got on extremely well and so far I'm able to play the bigger man..even friends with her new fella. The fact we weren't 'together' makes it easier somewhat.

 

My feelings are often mixed but it's a situation I think I can handle..we weren't together..she chose someone else..thats something I just have to live with.

 

My question is this..I would often spoil her at Christmas and Birthdays with presents. She would spoil me too. (Moreso out of a feeling of responsiblity probably) It was a bad move on my part to give so much..but I fell for her pretty hard and you make those mistakes.

 

With her new Boyfriend spoiling her now..I do wonder how I approach a holiday season..I have no idea if she will get me anything but I imagine she will. Part of me does feel that she deserves less of me but how do you have that conversation? Is it normal for a guy to buy his female friend a Christmas present when shes seeing someone else? Is being friendly even wise? I do like to make her happy and yet part of me wants to step back on the whole thing and perhaps offer less..or perhaps even nothing. Or is that selfish and inconsiderate?

 

Whats worse her boyfriend asked me what she would prefer in a present and I obliged in helping..I mean here I am thinking out his presents because I know her much better. Like I said before, my feelings are mixed but I find the situation bearable..I'm just looking for a way of keeping her as a friend I guess without feeling too emotionally involved. (In the way I was..making sure her presents were thoughtful and meaningful)

[Arabella]

Totally fine for you to get her a present, since you're friends and used to do so.

 

Just don't go overboard. Spend no more than half of what you used to in prior years, and make sure it's not highly personal.

 

I once bought a several-hundred dollar gaming system for my then-husband. After the relationship ended, we still exchanged gifts occasionally but they were smaller and cheaper. For example, a sweater along with some home-baked goods.

 

Also, help her boyfriend buy her something nice and make sure it outshines your gift.

[soph12]

Friends get each other presents all the time- it's not weird. I personally love gift shopping for people I care about. In your case it would be kind of odd if you stopped, like you had just been trying to win her affections. I agree with toning it down. I would say you should get her 1 nice gift.

 

As for helping her boyfriend, that's a really nice, mature thing to do. I would interpret it as a sweet symbol that you care about her and harbor no resentment. The fact that he even asked you means he knows you're a special person in her life who knows her well

Edited December 4, 2013 by soph12

[Elliotte]

To me it seems like the bigger issue here is that you have feelings for her that were not reciprocated, and you need to get over them. Stressing about the ifs and whats of getting her a present is not going to help you get the distance you need to move forward. You even said your previous presents were to spoil her and the likely reason she got you anything was out of an obligation to return the favor, which isn't a good situation for gift giving in the first place, for either one of you. And yes the "guy friend who has feelings for the girl, and buys presents for her" is weird, especially for the boyfriend if he knew.

 

I rarely get friends gifts, and I do not expect any in return, if I do get gifts for anyone, it is from the heart because I found something I know they would enjoy, not from the need to get someone something in the hopes that it helps me further my relationship with them. I'd really suggest you not worry about gifts with this "friend".

[Darwined]

Thanks for the replies. Will get her something..but not much.

[imtooconfused]

To me it seems like the bigger issue here is that you have feelings for her that were not reciprocated, and you need to get over them. Stressing about the ifs and whats of getting her a present is not going to help you get the distance you need to move forward. You even said your previous presents were to spoil her and the likely reason she got you anything was out of an obligation to return the favor, which isn't a good situation for gift giving in the first place, for either one of you. And yes the "guy friend who has feelings for the girl, and buys presents for her" is weird, especially for the boyfriend if he knew.

 

I was pretty much thinking the same thing reading OP's post. Why are you still obsessing over the gifts that you buy for her when she has a 'new man' to obsess over her? If it helps you get closure over the fact that she has moved on, then a gift would be OK. But otherwise, your effort should be spent finding a new female friend to 'spoil'.