Is it really just an innocent friendhsip?

[oceanblue18]

I'll keep this as short and simple as possible.

I am in a committed relationship with a man for two years. We are in our late 30's - both divorced - and both working professionals. I have small children - he has none. We live together and I am right where I want to be in life and am very happy with my circumstances, except for this (small) issue...

 

After he got divorced he dated a woman that was separated from her husband. The two of them had been co-workers for years and had formed a friendship. After she separated from her husband an intimate relationship grew. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. They kept this relationship mainly to themselves because she was only separated - not divorced. She ended up going back to her husband and my bf was heartbroken. Fast forward a few years. They have maintained a friendship and he has said they were friends before the intimate relationship and are once again just friends.

 

Here is what I need help on. I have insecurities about this so-called friendship. I believe that they are not having any intimate relations, but I do not understand the desire to continue this friendship. Her husband does not know about the continued contact and despite my bf knowing I'm not comfortable with it, he still continues to be friends with her. He has other female friends that he has not had intimate relationships with that I have no problems with. I do not feel a pang of jealousy or insecurity towards them. I have issues with this woman and their friendship because she is married, her husband does not know, and it seems like a recipe for disaster. It's as though they just can't walk away from each other and need to maintain contact. She has asked to grab lunch or get together (and has even invited me...gasp lol). He once told her that he can't because of my insecurity and that I'm not comfortable with it. I was hurt when he told me this because it felt like he betrayed an unwritten rule between two people...you don't tell other people your gf's biggest insecurities and issues. That is something sacred between two people. What you share with your partner should stay between your partner. Of course he's given me the whole..."we would be in public having lunch" "it's two adults who are friends" song and dance.

 

1. Should I let this go and be "okay" with their friendship?

2. Am I justified in feeling betrayed that he told her my insecurity with their friendship?

3. Does she use him and their "friendship" to fulfill a need her husband is still not providing?

4. Is it wrong of me to tell him "why can't you tell her the reason you can't have lunch with her is because you are married and your husband isn't cool with it and even if it is innocent, it looks guilty"

 

I love this man and am committed to working on this relationship. I want to be able to find peace with this. Any insight is appreciated.

[painfullyobvious]

A couple of red flags for me. First her husband doesn't know they are in continued contact. Why? Because once you sleep with someone friendship is difficult to maintain once it's over. In my mind a person that has slept with me or my wife in the past are considered exes even if there was no formal relationship. They should not be hiding their friendship.

 

I like that they are including you it appears that they are open about your side of the relationship. Your husband is being honest about your insecurities with his friend even if it is about your relationship. Not as concerned about that as what else is taking place.

 

She is getting something from your husband because if this relationship was platonic she would hide it from her husband. A better question is what is your husband getting from these lunches or communication? I have many female friends and I seldom have lunch with them individually. We have staff lunches or get togethers from old coworkers. I don't do lunch with one woman and me unless it's my wife.

 

Accept a lunch with the two of them and see how they act or if they make excuses why you are no longer welcome. One on one lunch with exes once you are married is playing with fire and just wrong in my opinion. Tell him to knock it off. How would he feel if you went out with another guy one on one?

[oceanblue18]

painfullyobvious - thank you for your reply. I have said the exact statement to my bf you posed in your response: she (both of them) is getting something from their continued contact and if it were platonic she wouldn't hide it from her husband. He repeatedly states that there is nothing going on between them and that she wants to meet me. (Why would she want to me?!?!)

 

I wrestle with the idea of obliging to their lunch invitation - more or less to call their bluff. But I honestly have no interest in meeting her AND I do not want to be party to a lunch "date" when her husband doesn't know the two of them still talk. It feels wrong - as though I'm encouraging the relationship.

 

I see your point about his honesty to her about my insecurities. A better answer for him to give would of been, "I can't have lunch with you because it's wrong! My gf and your husband aren't okay with it." Honesty is always the best policy

 

She hides it from her husband because he knows the two of them were together during their separation and doesn't want his wife continuing any sort of relationship with him.

 

Thanks again!

[BlametheIrish]

1. Should I let this go and be "okay" with their

friendship?

 

-That's up to you to decide but I certainly wouldn't

 

2. Am I justified in feeling betrayed that he told her

my insecurity with their friendship?

 

-Yes, he could have worded it way better but chose to make you look bad in his "friends" eyes.

3. Does she use him and their "friendship" to fulfill a

need her husband is still not providing?

 

-Yes, if I was a betting women definitely yes. Im thinking he may be doing the same.

 

4. Is it wrong of me to tell him "why can't you tell

her the reason you can't have lunch with her is

because you are married and your husband isn't

cool with it and even if it is innocent, it looks guilty"

 

-How wording it a bit differently like " So and so, out of respect for your marriage I cant in good conscious continue our friendship. But im guessing that wont happen as he obviously doesn't want the relationship to.end. If he still hangs out with her aftrr you've voiced your disapproval you could give it one more talk and see if he is true to.his word and leaves ger alone. If he doesn't leave her alone than that says hus friendship with her is more important than your feelings.

 

If they were only friends and not past livers then I'd be giving you different advice as I whole heartedly believe that opposite sex friendships aren't an issue.

 

Me thinks their frienship is more than platonic even if its just to stroke eachothers egos.

[oceanblue18]

blametheirish - thanks for the reply. We had a "talk/argument" about it last night. I wish I would of posted BEFORE that because the insight would of helped me craft my responses to his responses. Your last thought of "...even if it's just to stroke each others egos" is dead on. Those are the words I've been searching for to explain why I think they continue the friendship!

 

I wouldn't be making a big deal about this if they weren't past lovers and her husband was "cool" with it.

 

My "talk" must of sank in somewhat because I just had flowers delievered to my office with a card that read "I know I don't always say it but I love you more than words can say. I would be lost without you... I love you now and forever."

 

Do I drop it at this point and wait and see what happens?

[d0nnivain]

The "red flag" for me is that her husband doesn't know.

 

 

Kudos to your guy for being up front with you. Don't be so hard on him for telling her that he was trying to respect your wishes. His heart & I think, his ethics, were in the right place with that disclosure.

 

 

I'd meet her if I were you but that's me. I'm a woman with a lot of male friends / colleagues. I would often have wives & GF's get upset about their men spending time with me. I would always say the same thing, you have to honor & respect her but can I meet her 1st because I'm pretty sure I can reassure her that I have no romantic designs on you. Taken men hold no appeal for me. Every woman I made that offer to was eventually OK with my relationship with her guy.

 

Having said all that I still come back to the fact that this woman's husband doesn't know & they were previously lovers, not just work colleagues. What I'd want to do in that situation is a double date. If the 4 of you can hang out . . . as long as your guy keeps telling you when he sees this woman, I'd be more comfortable with their friendship. If she won't tell her husband about this then you have to get your BF to see that this is a problem; he shouldn't feel too proud about being a secret either. What does that say about his friend's character?

[oceanblue18]

I have said all along that if the 4 of us can go out then I'm fine with the friendship. Show me that it is just innocent friendship and there is nothing to hide. The response I got was, "I'm not interested in hanging out with her husband and why would we do that?" Pah-lease! He insists he "can't turn his back" on a good friend - he's not that kind of man.

[d0nnivain]

I can sort of get why he doesn't want to hang out with the husband but if he cares about you, how bad could a quick drink be?

 

I think your "smell test" is working just fine.

[oceanblue18]

I get why he doesn't want to hang out with the husband. He has other women that he has not had an intimate relationship with that he is friends with and I have absolutely no issue with that.

 

I've done all I can think of doing to get him to see my point that I think it is inappropriate because her husband does not know (and would be p*ssed if he did) and that it bothers me. What else can I do/say or what is a reasonable compromise to the situation?

[Try]

I get why he doesn't want to hang out with the husband. He has other women that he has not had an intimate relationship with that he is friends with and I have absolutely no issue with that.

When your boyfriend says that "They kept this relationship mainly to themselves because she was only separated - not divorced", your boyfriend is speaking cheaters speak. Take the cheaters spin away, and what you are saying is that your boyfriend was her affair partner, and the poor husband never found out. This other woman ("OW") already has a history of cheating with your boyfriend in secret, and even separated from her husband to better pursue the relationship with your boyfriend who "wanted to spend the rest of his life with her". When she ended up going back to her husband, your "bf was heartbroken". Your boyfriend does not want to hang out with the husband, because if he got to know the husband as a real person, your boyfriend would feel like the snake in the grass that he really is.

 

I've done all I can think of doing to get him to see my point that I think it is inappropriate because her husband does not know (and would be p*ssed if he did) and that it bothers me. What else can I do/say or what is a reasonable compromise to the situation?

Tell your boyfriend that the OW's husband believed their lie that they were always "just friends", and look were that got him; he is still being deceived by them and played the fool as he still does not know. Tell your boyfriend that since this is how they treated and still treat her husband, you would be insane to expect to be treated any differently by the two of them should they decide to rekindle their romance. Tell him that there can be no compromise, it is either you or her. He must agree to go full no contact ("NC") with the OW and agree to full transpancy which includes all passwords. If you back down even a little on this, you will live to regret it.