Just been dumped by my very first girlfriend.

[Leigh 87]

Somedude, I loved my ex more than he loved me.

 

He still cares for me deeply. He would jump to attention if I was in trouble and needed help. I know it in my heart. He tells me such, even though he is happy with his new partner and I am happy with mine.

 

There is nothing that explains the fact that he was not as invested as me, other than the mere fact: he wasn't. He just didn't feel it the way I did.

 

 

A dude recently loved me and I did not even HAVE ANY romantic feelings for him!

 

Now that was REALLY unbalanced! He fell head over heels IN love with me, the way I "wished" a guy would:sick: (careful what u wish for)

 

He felt like sh*t too, when I left him for my current boyfriend.

 

The one sided tendency of relationships really left him in a world of hurt:(

 

The recent dude who fell crazy in love with me would ask me " why aren't I good enough? Why did you ditch me after two months of me doing EVERYTHING to you, bending over backwards to make you feel amazing, and jump right into the arms of some dude you only just met?"

 

He was cute, earned a lot of money and he treated me like a princess. I also loved hanging out with him that I would spend a week at a time staying at his place, with him his house mate and his dogs!

I loved everything about him; I just was not falling IN love with him. I had no romantic feelings for him.

 

 

 

And yet, my "feelings" were red hot for ass- clowns who lied and deceived me and disappeared after they were pretending to be "falling hard" for me:sick:

 

People either feel strong about you in a romantic sense, or they do not.

 

Romantic feelings cannot always be cultivated through willing them to grow.

[suladas]

It's addictive. I'm long since recovered, but I like to try to help others. How are things?

 

Yea it is. Not sure why but I lost interest in posting here for the most part. Long recovered here to. Bunch of other garbage going on right now, actually makes the BU stuff seem like nothing in comparison. Actually read some of my posts from before and wow did I seem stupid

[Haydn]

Somedude, hope you are doing a bit better. Got to move on me laddo! The advice you have got is sound, take care.

[Lobouspo]

I hear California has very strict stalking laws.

[Why so consistent]

That's suck mate , I just got dumped too from my 1st girl friend

[Lobouspo]

Or anti-stalking laws is what I meant

[KathyM]

I think it's good to analyze why a relationship did not work out. It provides an opportunity for introspection and growth. Maybe this talk needed to happen, because it gives SD closure and an idea on what he needs to work on within himself to have more success in future relationships. This girl said her feelings started to diminish for SD when he talked about cheating on a test/in a class. Lesson learned: Most women, certainly women worth being in a relationship with, value integrity in a man. When you showed a lack of integrity, it made her doubt your value as a relationship partner. She said you gained some weight. Lesson learned: You can't let your appearance go just because you are in a relationship. She said you pressured her for oral sex when she didn't want that. Lesson learned: Don't pressure people to do something they don't want to do. It builds resentment. She said she felt guilty for not loving you like you loved her. Lesson learned: Take your time in developing feelings for someone. Guard your heart. Get to know the person well. When someone feels pressured to be in love with someone because their partner has put his feelings on the fast track, it can have the opposite effect, and may not feel genuine for them.

[KathyM]

I think it's good to analyze why a relationship did not work out. It provides an opportunity for introspection and growth. Maybe this talk needed to happen, because it gives SD closure and an idea on what he needs to work on within himself to have more success in future relationships. This girl said her feelings started to diminish for SD when he talked about cheating on a test/in a class. Lesson learned: Most women, certainly women worth being in a relationship with, value integrity in a man. When you showed a lack of integrity, it made her doubt your value as a relationship partner. She said you gained some weight. Lesson learned: You can't let your appearance go just because you are in a relationship. She said you pressured her for oral sex when she didn't want that. Lesson learned: Don't pressure people to do something they don't want to do. It builds resentment. She said she felt guilty for not loving you like you loved her. Lesson learned: Take your time in developing feelings for someone. Guard your heart. Get to know the person well. When someone feels pressured to be in love with someone because their partner has put his feelings on the fast track, it can have the opposite effect, and may not feel genuine for them.

With this said, you now got your closure, and your reasons why the relationship did not work out and why her feelings for you did not progress. Time to stop contacting her, and move on.

[MrCastle]

I think it's good to analyze why a relationship did not work out. It provides an opportunity for introspection and growth. Maybe this talk needed to happen, because it gives SD closure and an idea on what he needs to work on within himself to have more success in future relationships. This girl said her feelings started to diminish for SD when he talked about cheating on a test/in a class. Lesson learned: Most women, certainly women worth being in a relationship with, value integrity in a man. When you showed a lack of integrity, it made her doubt your value as a relationship partner. She said you gained some weight. Lesson learned: You can't let your appearance go just because you are in a relationship. She said you pressured her for oral sex when she didn't want that. Lesson learned: Don't pressure people to do something they don't want to do. It builds resentment. She said she felt guilty for not loving you like you loved her. Lesson learned: Take your time in developing feelings for someone. Guard your heart. Get to know the person well. When someone feels pressured to be in love with someone because their partner has put his feelings on the fast track, it can have the opposite effect, and may not feel genuine for them.

 

Sounds like a lot of stuff he has to work on. What does she have to work on?

 

I can think of two -- having tact when it comes to ending relationships, being more open and honest emotionally

[KathyM]

Sounds like a lot of stuff he has to work on. What does she have to work on?

 

I can think of two -- having tact when it comes to ending relationships, being more open and honest emotionally

Well, she's not asking for advice here, but if she were, I would suggest that she not rush into a relationship with someone until she has recovered enough from the previous one. It sounds like she realizes that now. And that when she does enter into a romantic relationship, she needs to make her relationship with her bf more of a priority in her life, and not be feeding it with crumbs. It sounds like she was not giving the relationship much of a priority from the start.

[suladas]

Sounds like a lot of stuff he has to work on. What does she have to work on?

 

I can think of two -- having tact when it comes to ending relationships, being more open and honest emotionally

 

As far as I can remember she ended it in person, seems good to me. Not wanting to give reasons doesn't in my opinion raise any flag, it's totally acceptable. Most people who give reasons just give BS ones anyway. And why should you care about the opinion of someone who doesn't want to be with you anyway?

[somedude81]

Hey honey, I am so sorry to hear about your pain right now:(

 

 

You will be fine, you just have to feel all kinds of **** in the meanwhile. Until you're fine.

 

Break ups just plain hurt. No way around it.

 

I am a very positive person myself, and you should have seen my break up thread with Andrew after almost 3 years together... I can't bring myself to go back and read it.

 

 

 

How are you doing? Probably not that swell! But hopefully better than when the thread was first made...

I am doing better. It gets easier each day.

 

Being able to talk to her about my thoughts and questions helped me so much and clear my mind. Also I no longer have any anger towards her, which is a relief.

Hi SD,

 

First, I wanted to say I am really sorry for hard this experience has been for you. I am sorry for the breakup and how it has impacted your life.

 

I know it is hard to see now, but this is a real growing experience for you.

What is interesting, is that with each relationship, you learn more about yourself. Not all relationships are meant to last forever. They are there to help you grow into the person you need to become.

Thank you.

 

I definitely did grow in the short time she was in my life. Having her really was a blessing.

Staying stuck in a relationship that is over, can really nullify the potential lessons of the experience.

 

One thing I would recommend is to get all of the relics of the relationships out of your life. Delete the pictures, block the facebook, delete the number.

Thanks for the suggestions but I will no delete the pictures of her and us together. I moved them to an external drive where I won't stumble upon them, but those pictures are just to precious to get rid of. I also don't delete the number in the off chance she contacts me.

For your own your own healing, you have to go no-contact. Right now, you are constantly reliving the dead relationship. You have to accept her decision. For yourself and for your growth. If there is any hope, constantly e-mailing her (and allowing her to keep you on the backburner) is completely removing any chance for a re-connect later down the road.

Though I will no longer initiate any contact between us. I do accept her decision

This woman cannot answer why she was no longer in love, if she ever was. All you are giving her is reasons to remove any guilt she has for breaking up with you. If this was a healthy relationship, and she really loved you, she would have told you how she felt about you mentioning the cheating BEFORE breaking up with you...not weeks later as an afterthought. No one is perfect, we can all list flaws and things people have said that aggravate us. Love overcomes imperfection; that's the beauty of it and one way you know it is love and not just a fleeting romance. Not that imperfections are ignored, but that you still love the person despite their flaws.

I don't think either of us was in love, though I do wish she had talked to me about the things she was worrying about instead of keeping them to herself for so long.

 

Though the past is the past, and there is no point in worrying about it anymore, or at least I try to keep telling myself that.

 

I talked to my mom last night, and she thinks the cheating thing was BS as cheating on a test/class is completely unrelated to being unfaithful. Though she did understand about my ex thinking I liked her more than she liked me, and feeling uncomfortable/guilty about that.

I think it's good to analyze why a relationship did not work out. It provides an opportunity for introspection and growth. Maybe this talk needed to happen, because it gives SD closure and an idea on what he needs to work on within himself to have more success in future relationships. This girl said her feelings started to diminish for SD when he talked about cheating on a test/in a class. Lesson learned: Most women, certainly women worth being in a relationship with, value integrity in a man. When you showed a lack of integrity, it made her doubt your value as a relationship partner. She said you gained some weight. Lesson learned: You can't let your appearance go just because you are in a relationship. She said you pressured her for oral sex when she didn't want that. Lesson learned: Don't pressure people to do something they don't want to do. It builds resentment. She said she felt guilty for not loving you like you loved her. Lesson learned: Take your time in developing feelings for someone. Guard your heart. Get to know the person well. When someone feels pressured to be in love with someone because their partner has put his feelings on the fast track, it can have the opposite effect, and may not feel genuine for them.

Yup.

 

I agree with everything you said.

 

As far as I can remember she ended it in person, seems good to me. Not wanting to give reasons doesn't in my opinion raise any flag, it's totally acceptable. Most people who give reasons just give BS ones anyway. And why should you care about the opinion of someone who doesn't want to be with you anyway?

My issue was that she suddenly dropped the bomb on me and wasn't willing to give me closure until I provoked her.

 

She was being unnecessarily cold and basically turned from my girlfriend into a stranger overnight when I didn't do anything at all whatsoever to deserve that treatment.

 

That being said, if she ever wants to get back to me, she has to apologize for how she treated me.

[somedude81]

Wow my anger is absolutely out of control.

 

It gets set off so much easier now and I no longer have a fuse at all.

 

Just a few minutes ago I was playing on my 3DS XL and then something happened in a game that I didn't like and before I knew what I was doing, I had thrown it against a wall. Then when I saw that it wouldn't turn on anymore, I ripped the top screen off.

 

So trying to do something to get my mind off her, I end up destroying that very thing. It was $150 and I've only had for a month.

 

What is going on with me?

[ponchsox]

Wow my anger is absolutely out of control.

 

It gets set off so much easier now and I no longer have a fuse at all.

 

Just a few minutes ago I was playing on my 3DS XL and then something happened in a game that I didn't like and before I knew what I was doing, I had thrown it against a wall. Then when I saw that it wouldn't turn on anymore, I ripped the top screen off.

 

So trying to do something to get my mind off her, I end up destroying that very thing. It was $150 and I've only had for a month.

 

What is going on with me?

 

Go lift weights until you are physically exhausted. That's why I did after my breakup. Not only did it help channel my anger, but I got ripped in the process.

[Els]

Are you able to get professional help for your anger, SD?

 

The degree to which you are experiencing it and responding to it sounds worrisome. If it escalates any further, you might do something that you truly regret, that costs you much more than a $150 gaming console.

 

I'm not sure that you can handle this alone. You need help, IMO, and pronto.

[Mrlonelyone]

SD. It could be that like many men in relationships you got used to not having to.. uh you know.. relive the pressures of the day. Exercise, playing video games, and you know relieving the pressures are good ways to deal with this. In additon to talking here and with friends and a professional about the matter.

Edited December 24, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Badsingularity]

Sorry you got dumped man.

 

Would you say you are open minded?

[Robert]

Let's keep the posts helpful and ON topic please, thanks

[somedude81]

Go lift weights until you are physically exhausted. That's why I did after my breakup. Not only did it help channel my anger, but I got ripped in the process.

For some reason I always feel exhausted. I haven't been to the gym in almost a month. I just don't have any motivation. I'm also barely eating.

 

Are you able to get professional help for your anger, SD?

 

The degree to which you are experiencing it and responding to it sounds worrisome. If it escalates any further, you might do something that you truly regret, that costs you much more than a $150 gaming console.

 

I'm not sure that you can handle this alone. You need help, IMO, and pronto.

I don't know of any sources to get help. For now I just think that my emotions are all out of whack and I'm still in a great deal of pain. Over time I should be back to normal. What I'm doing until then is realizing when I'm starting to get annoyed by a game and then taking a break right then. I just wish I thought of this before I destroyed my 3DS.

 

As for truly regretting something, I just imagined what her reaction would be if she was there when I did what I did, and it made me feel so bad.

 

SD. It could be that like many men in relationships you got used to not having to.. uh you know.. relive the pressures of the day. Exercise, playing video games, and you know relieving the pressures are good ways to deal with this. In additon to talking here and with friends and a professional about the matter.

Hah, relieve the pressures? Two to three times a day, which is more than what I was doing when I was in a relationship. It helps some, but just doesn't compare to the real thing.

[somedude81]

Start with your GP.

I'm sorry, what is a GP?

[legion113]

primary care physician? General practitioner?

[somedude81]

primary care physician? General practitioner?

Oh.

 

I don't have medical insurance nor have I seen a doctor in years.

 

Not sure how a doctor can even help with anger issues.

[Els]

 

I don't know of any sources to get help. For now I just think that my emotions are all out of whack and I'm still in a great deal of pain. Over time I should be back to normal. What I'm doing until then is realizing when I'm starting to get annoyed by a game and then taking a break right then. I just wish I thought of this before I destroyed my 3DS.

 

As for truly regretting something, I just imagined what her reaction would be if she was there when I did what I did, and it made me feel so bad.

 

AFAIK, you have had these anger issues prior even to the relationship, yes? I recall a few threads about them. A relationship can't be the miracle panacea that cures you of all your problems - even if yours had survived, eventually it would have come to a point where the source of your anger is the woman who lives with you or who is sleeping beside you, because all healthy couples have argued at least once in their lives. What happens then? Are you certain you would be capable of controlling yourself?

 

Your university should have free or greatly-subsidized healthcare or counselling/therapy services. Go now while you are still a student and entitled to the subsidies. Enquire at student affairs or something.

[somedude81]

AFAIK, you have had these anger issues prior even to the relationship, yes? I recall a few threads about them.

Yup. I was angry about being single.

 

Being with her didn't completely remove my anger issues but I snapped far less often. I was getting better. The same thing about my depression as well. My mental and emotional wounds were finally starting to heal on their own.

 

A relationship can't be the miracle panacea that cures you of all your problems - even if yours had survived, eventually it would have come to a point where the source of your anger is the woman who lives with you or who is sleeping beside you, because all healthy couples have argued at least once in their lives. What happens then? Are you certain you would be capable of controlling yourself?

It took me a while to really think about this question and after giving it a lot of thought, I can honestly say yes I can control myself.

 

There is only one person in my entire life that I can remember having an actual heated arguments/fights with, and that is my brother. For a good several years we hated each other. Fights were common but they had stopped getting physical when I was around 19.

 

So in other words, if I had learned to control my temper and not punch out my brother that I despised, I can stay calm around a woman I care about.

 

Also, there is a history of abuse towards women in my family that I absolutely will not continue.

 

Your university should have free or greatly-subsidized healthcare or counselling/therapy services. Go now while you are still a student and entitled to the subsidies. Enquire at student affairs or something.

I've long since used up my allotted therapy services. They can refer me to an outside source (which I've gone to before) but it will be at my expense.

 

Right now I'm going through a very stressful time in my life. Not only was I suddenly dumped which I was completely unprepared for, I'm also facing academic dismissal from my school, when I only have one class left to complete. I'd be stressed out even about my school even if I was still with her and I would at least have her support. But now everything is a stinking pile of crap and it's the holidays which I've always hated. I really thought I would finally get to enjoy them this year.

 

Video games are the one thing I have in my life to take my mind off my problems and when they get me angry, it almost feels like I've been betrayed. If I could, I'd prefer to just stay in bed all day.

[Els]

 

So in other words, if I had learned to control my temper and not punch out my brother that I despised, I can stay calm around a woman I care about.

 

Also, there is a history of abuse towards women in my family that I absolutely will not continue.

 

That is good.

 

I've long since used up my allotted therapy services. They can refer me to an outside source (which I've gone to before) but it will be at my expense.

 

Right now I'm going through a very stressful time in my life. Not only was I suddenly dumped which I was completely unprepared for, I'm also facing academic dismissal from my school, when I only have one class left to complete. I'd be stressed out even about my school even if I was still with her and I would at least have her support. But now everything is a stinking pile of crap and it's the holidays which I've always hated. I really thought I would finally get to enjoy them this year.

 

In my current university, undergrads have the option of talking to a counselor about their problems and perhaps getting a sympathy exemption for academic failure - for instance, if you are grieving or depressed, you could take the rest of the semester off and are allowed to come back next semester to retake the course. That's also part of the function of your university therapist, to help recommend you for the exemption. It would be worth enquiring about.

 

Are you currently on your last class, or is that next semester?

 

Video games are the one thing I have in my life to take my mind off my problems and when they get me angry, it almost feels like I've been betrayed. If I could, I'd prefer to just stay in bed all day.

 

Normal symptoms of a breakup, IMO. It does get easier with time, though, if you hold tight and force yourself to focus on getting better.