pickflicker Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Well, not exactly needed her, but needed a GF. She was an excellent fit to a missing piece of my life. It's the same thing. I think people have talked about the 6th sense both women and men have when someone needs them. We resist it. That's the battle you're going to have to face if you want to be successful in a relationship. 'Needing' someone will set you back every time. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ThaWholigan Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 It's the same thing. I think people have talked about the 6th sense both women and men have when someone needs them. We resist it. That's the battle you're going to have to face if you want to be successful in a relationship. 'Needing' someone will set you back every time. I've been saying this to him for nearly 2 years. It's not the first time he's had this advice. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author somedude81 Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 I've been saying this to him for nearly 2 years. It's not the first time he's had this advice. But it's the first time I've been in a relationship. Give me a chance to figure things out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 But it's the first time I've been in a relationship. Give me a chance to figure things out. Somedude, you mentioned that there were no well-wishes on NYE. Why do you not have a group of friends? You need good friends to fill some of the emotional void in your life and take the pressure off the person that you're dating. What about family? Link to post Share on other sites
Author somedude81 Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 Communication. Talking and dreaming about a future together. Not marriage! Just plans for next summer, plans for after graduation, etc. Concrete things to show you are considering each other in your plans, because you are serious about the relationship. Also that fun pillow talk where you fantasize about your lives together: what house you'll buy, where you'll live, where you'll travel, etc. It's just for fun, but it's bonding and shows that you hope for a future together. Saying "I love you", for sure! When she was giving me the break up talk, she said that she freaked out when I told her that I wanted to drive to my parents with her and have her see my family. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 But it's the first time I've been in a relationship. Give me a chance to figure things out. It's a stepping stone relationship. You did better than in the past (when you didn't get past friends). You'll do better in the future. But you've got to take the risks to reap the rewards. You took risks to get this girlfriend. You'll need to take the next step to keep a girlfriend, and fall in love. You've got to let the fear go so that you can take the risks. You could open up and she could say, "no, thanks." But you'll survive! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ThaWholigan Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 But it's the first time I've been in a relationship. Give me a chance to figure things out. Yes, and the first thing you should have figured out is that it's a stupid idea to rely on a GF for your overall happiness . I agree with all xxoo said. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Badsingularity Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 In the past i've told you that when a guy is full of fear, like fear that his woman will leave him for example, women can sense it in the way he acts, looks, and moves and it causes them to loose attraction or never have it in the first place. They can also feel neediness even if you are trying not to show it. You know you can get a GF. So no more fear about that. When you're with a woman try to tell yourself that if she is not happy in the relationship and she wants to leave then that's ok. Try to put yourself in her shoes. If you realy care about her would you want her to be unhappy and stay in a relationship just to make you happy? If she leaves you can meet someone else. You can learn more about women. You can work on getting rid of your fears and realize that you are a man that is worth something and that plenty of women should be happy to be with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Teknoe Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Hey Teknoe, haven't seen you around much. Ha yeah it's been a while. My relationship never started to crumble. It was always good, then I come back from a trip and she dumps me. We never had any problems communicating and I was always trying to understand her.. To you it felt like it was never crumbling and it was good. But obviously, she had a different perspective. If she was happy, then she wouldn't have left you. She left because it was no longer good TO HER. It sucks, but it happens to all of us who have ever been dumped. How long did you have an idea it was coming? Oh I saw the writing on the wall like a month prior. She was actually meeting up with her ex a few times. One time she kicked me out because he was coming up the stairs to visit her. And as I was being kicked out, I saw her take down all the crap I had given her over the past couple months... she wanted her ex to think she was single. That's when I knew, and a small part of me died inside. I just accepted it and left per her request. I didn't own her and couldn't tell her what to do. It really sucked, but it is what it is and you move on. life finally had a meaning. I believe life for anyone ALWAYS has meaning, continously, especially when you have your health. It's simply whether we choose to see the meaning or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author somedude81 Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 In the past i've told you that when a guy is full of fear, like fear that his woman will leave him for example, women can sense it in the way he acts, looks, and moves and it causes them to loose attraction or never have it in the first place. They can also feel neediness even if you are trying not to show it. The fear I have is that all women I like and care about will leave me and cut me out of their lives. How do I get over that fear when it has happened over and over again? While she is the first girl that I actually had a relationship to kick me out of her life, it's happened with about ten other women that I've really liked. You know you can get a GF. So no more fear about that. Yes I can get a GF again, but I have no idea when or why she'll leave. All I "know" is that she will leave, and I'll be devastated again. When you're with a woman try to tell yourself that if she is not happy in the relationship and she wants to leave then that's ok. Try to put yourself in her shoes. If you realy care about her would you want her to be unhappy and stay in a relationship just to make you happy? If she leaves you can meet someone else. You can learn more about women. You can work on getting rid of your fears and realize that you are a man that is worth something and that plenty of women should be happy to be with you. Never did I have the impression that my ex was not happy in the relationship. If I had known, I would have done everything in my power to make her happy. I tried to be a good boyfriend, to bond, to communicate, to take her places, meet her physical needs and make her feel special. And this sh*t is what happened. There wasn't any reason for her to be unhappy. The only thing that I can really tell myself to accept what happened is that she would not have been happy with anybody. This break-up was all about her. Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Yes I can get a GF again, but I have no idea when or why she'll leave. All I "know" is that she will leave, and I'll be devastated again. . If you enter the next relationship with this mindset, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 There wasn't any reason for her to be unhappy. The only thing that I can really tell myself to accept what happened is that she would not have been happy with anybody. This break-up was all about her. Incompatibility is usually not anyone's fault in particular, and a leading cause for breakups, especially those that happen around the time the honeymoon phase starts to fade. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author somedude81 Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 If you enter the next relationship with this mindset, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. How can I change that mindset. Incompatibility is usually not anyone's fault in particular, and a leading cause for breakups, especially those that happen around the time the honeymoon phase starts to fade. How would you know if you are incompatible? What things are important? I want to say that we were extremely compatible, but I may be placing value in the wrong areas. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 How can I change that mindset. How would you know if you are incompatible? What things are important? I want to say that we were extremely compatible, but I may be placing value in the wrong areas. It's a huge area, and different people prioritize different aspects. Mental, emotional, sexual, values, mindset, what they need from relationships... I don't think anyone can tell you what your ex found lacking, and when you get your next gf, she may be completely different. And you may also be different and want different things, after some experience. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
reddragon588 Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 It's especially hard because I've wanted a GF for so long, then I finally got one and life finally had a meaning. This is an alarming statement. Your life should have meaning for YOURSELF, not for anyone else. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 How can I change that mindset.. Go make some new friends and fill your life with some new pursuits. Sitting on your arse playing video games all the time is not a constructuve way to fill your time. I ask again, you said there were no well-wishers on NYE. Why not? Why do you not have a group of close, supportive friends? Accept that relationships are risk. Either you accept the risk, or you don't date. How would you know if you are incompatible? What things are important? I want to say that we were extremely compatible, but I may be placing value in the wrong areas. I'll use myself specifically as an example: Good communicator, not judgmental (open-minded), compassionate, good values (family etc), likes to engage in life (travel, concerts, being social, meeting new people), intelligent, confident, independent, self-assured, self-aware, supportive, law-abiding. They're my measures of compatibility. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 How can I change that mindset. How would you know if you are incompatible? What things are important? I want to say that we were extremely compatible, but I may be placing value in the wrong areas. You are asking for concrete, logical answers on something that is inexact and illogical. What's "important" varies from person to person. To be honest, it was likely just a feeling inside her that grew that she couldn't control once it got going. I'm sure she wanted to like you enough to stay with you at one point (or she never would have been your girlfriend in the first place) but for whatever reason, that feeling faded. It's more of something internal with her than with you. I know that's not what you want to hear, but trying to find logic in the illogical is just going to drive you nuts. As for the first part, find something within yourself that you can be proud of that has nothing to do with having a girlfriend. If you can be confident with yourself, that confidence will exude off you without you thinking about it. You want to get to a place where you feel it's a woman's loss for not being with you, not that it's your loss for not having a woman. This will be tough for you, because you've spent your entire life putting the p*ssy on a pedestal, for lack of a better term. But if you actually do it, it will make your entire life goal easier to achieve and a lot more fun to pursue. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Badsingularity Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 The fear I have is that all women I like and care about will leave me and cut me out of their lives. Take the anger you have and turn it against the fear you have inside yourself. Get angry and decide that you are not going to be scared anymore. All I "know" is that she will leave, and I'll be devastated again. You don't know the future and the only thing causing you to feel devistation is your own mind. Your brain is a lot more powerful than you think. All those fears, that devastation, all those negative thoughts you have are all literally inside your skull. Nowhere else. Think about that. You can change and control what goes on in there. If I had known, I would have done everything in my power to make her happy. I tried to be a good boyfriend, to bond, to communicate, to take her places, meet her physical needs and make her feel special. And this sh*t is what happened. You could have done all of that and it probably would not have mattered if she did not FEEL right. Women feel right when there man is confident and not afraid along with all the other stuff. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author somedude81 Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 (edited) You are asking for concrete, logical answers on something that is inexact and illogical. What's "important" varies from person to person. To be honest, it was likely just a feeling inside her that grew that she couldn't control once it got going. I'm sure she wanted to like you enough to stay with you at one point (or she never would have been your girlfriend in the first place) but for whatever reason, that feeling faded. It's more of something internal with her than with you. I know that's not what you want to hear, but trying to find logic in the illogical is just going to drive you nuts. That's the conclsion that I'm starting to accept. That it wasn't about me at all. Of course I know that I'm not completely blameless, but I realize that I had a much smaller part in her leaving me than I initially believed. As for the first part, find something within yourself that you can be proud of that has nothing to do with having a girlfriend. If you can be confident with yourself, that confidence will exude off you without you thinking about it. Frankly, my life has been a complete drag and a huge disappointment. There is nothing that I'm proud of and everyday pretty much sucks. I feel like I have to be happy because horrible things don't happen to me. Right now I'm trying so hard to get out of college but things keep going wrong. I'm actually facing dismissal from the school when I have one class left because of a technicality. I may have to fight for readmission and then there is big chance they will want to throw four more classes at me that I don't need just to improve my GPA, thus pushing my graduation to December at the earliest. So my life is a huge pain but at least I had a bright ball of sunshine to make it all worth it. For a brief period in my life I was actually looking forward to the future. Honestly, I feel that my biggest accomplishment was getting her to be my GF and actually making last a while. Of course I have to not let the fact that it ended against my wishes destroy my confidence. You want to get to a place where you feel it's a woman's loss for not being with you, not that it's your loss for not having a woman. This will be tough for you, because you've spent your entire life putting the p*ssy on a pedestal, for lack of a better term. But if you actually do it, it will make your entire life goal easier to achieve and a lot more fun to pursue.Yeah, that's a perfect way to put it. Though I am getting better. If I had dated this girl 5 years ago, assuming she was still 21, she most likely would have left me after a month. Eventually I'll come to a place where I'm fully comfortable with myself and women would be there as a nice compliment to my life, not my reason for living. Edited January 6, 2014 by somedude81 Link to post Share on other sites
ThaWholigan Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Please try and find something you are passionate about that you can do, that energizes you. Something you haven't tried. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author somedude81 Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 Please try and find something you are passionate about that you can do, that energizes you. Something you haven't tried. Well I recently bought the game Rocksmith 2014 and am trying to learn how to play guitar. It's hard as hell and more often than not I stop playing because I'm frustrated at myself for not being as good as I think I should be, but hey, it's something new. Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Well I recently bought the game Rocksmith 2014 and am trying to learn how to play guitar. It's hard as hell and more often than not I stop playing because I'm frustrated at myself for not being as good as I think I should be, but hey, it's something new. The guitar is like chess. It's pretty easy to get the basics out of it, it takes a lifetime to master. 20 mins a day, somedude. Just 20 mins a day, every day, and it'll get better. What kind of guitar did you get? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ThaWholigan Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Well I recently bought the game Rocksmith 2014 and am trying to learn how to play guitar. It's hard as hell and more often than not I stop playing because I'm frustrated at myself for not being as good as I think I should be, but hey, it's something new. That's a good one. I'm a pianist, and currently I'm taking lessons to get graded. It's hard f*cking work and I always mess up, even though I've been playing piano since I was a baby. But that's how you get better. Just keep persevering through it man. Learn easy stuff first, and get used to the blisters on your hands - they will make your skin stronger and smoother. Those callouses on your fingers are just like the ones you build over yourself when life f*cks you over. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
organizedchaos Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Somedude, Im going to strongly recommend you read this book. The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire: David Deida: 0600835090681: Amazon.com: Books 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ThaWholigan Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Somedude, Im going to strongly recommend you read this book. The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire: David Deida: 0600835090681: Amazon.com: Books I also think this is a great read. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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