clia Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 I think that this: And as I said many times, she believed that I liked her more than she liked me. From what I understand, she freaked out because she believed that I was more "all in" than she was. May have a lot to do with this: It's especially hard because I've wanted a GF for so long, then I finally got one and life finally had a meaning. Now that I know what it's like to be in a relationship I know that I cannot be happy by myself. Being with a woman is just so fantastic and living without one just feels numb. Honestly, I feel that my biggest accomplishment was getting her to be my GF and actually making last a while. It's unfair for you to put the burden of your happiness on another person, and you will meet very few women who want to bear that burden or deal with a relationship that is so lopsided. It's not that you simply liked her more than she liked you -- it's that for you, she was everything. That borders on creepy. It's uncomfortable. Healthy people look for a partner to enhance and add to their life -- not to be the sole purpose for meaning in their life. People have been trying to tell you this for years -- you absolutely have to find some happiness within yourself -- via your job, friends, hobbies, etc. If you don't, you will keep running into this scenario. You have to consider what you have to offer another person -- aside from worshiping the ground they walk on. Virtually the whole time we were dating, I was paranoid that she would leave me. I was afraid that if I told her that I'd love her, it would chase her away. And guess what, even if I didn't say I love you, she still left saying that I liked her too much. Do you feel like you held back the real you because you were so afraid that she might leave? That if you, for example, said how you really felt about something, or acted how you really wanted to act, that she might leave as a result? Did you find yourself going along with what she wanted to do even if it wasn't necessarily what you wanted to do because you didn't want to rock the boat? Did you rely on her to make decisions because you were afraid to make a decision she might disagree with? Yes I did expect it to eventually end, somewhere around the two year mark. I had imagined the end being when she is finished with nursing school and moves to the East Coast of the US to work with her aunt or something like that. I still think it is really strange that you were anticipating the end of the relationship and basically planning for it. There wasn't any reason for her to be unhappy. The only thing that I can really tell myself to accept what happened is that she would not have been happy with anybody. This break-up was all about her. She gave you several reasons why she was unhappy. If you want to ignore those reasons, then have at it -- but don't act like she was perfectly happy and dumped you for no reason. She had reasons -- a large one being that she questioned your character. I suspect there were other reasons as well that she didn't share with you. But ultimately it doesn't matter why. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author somedude81 Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 I think that this: May have a lot to do with this: It's unfair for you to put the burden of your happiness on another person, and you will meet very few women who want to bear that burden or deal with a relationship that is so lopsided. It's not that you simply liked her more than she liked you -- it's that for you, she was everything. That borders on creepy. It's uncomfortable. Healthy people look for a partner to enhance and add to their life -- not to be the sole purpose for meaning in their life. People have been trying to tell you this for years -- you absolutely have to find some happiness within yourself -- via your job, friends, hobbies, etc. If you don't, you will keep running into this scenario. You have to consider what you have to offer another person -- aside from worshiping the ground they walk on. I've never told her how important she was to me, anything about my depression, or that I got happiness from being with her, nor did I come anywhere close to worshiping the ground she walks on. I was always careful to give her plenty of space and not come across as needy. I know I am responsible for my own happiness and should not get happiness from being with a woman. Though as I said before, my life is pretty much crap and being with her made me happy. She was support when I truly needed it. There were many things that I offered her. Do you feel like you held back the real you because you were so afraid that she might leave? That if you, for example, said how you really felt about something, or acted how you really wanted to act, that she might leave as a result? The only thing I held back was completely verbalizing how I feel about her, but even then I gave her lots of compliments and often told her how happy I am. Hell, I remember calling her on Thanksgiving telling her that I'm really thankful that she's in my life. I also didn't buy her anything expensive because I thought it would be too much Did you find yourself going along with what she wanted to do even if it wasn't necessarily what you wanted to do because you didn't want to rock the boat? Did you rely on her to make decisions because you were afraid to make a decision she might disagree with? No to all of that. I still think it is really strange that you were anticipating the end of the relationship and basically planning for it. What was I supposed to have done? Believed that it would last forever and that we would get married and have kids? She gave you several reasons why she was unhappy. If you want to ignore those reasons, then have at it -- but don't act like she was perfectly happy and dumped you for no reason. She had reasons -- a large one being that she questioned your character. I suspect there were other reasons as well that she didn't share with you. But ultimately it doesn't matter why. The only reason that makes some amount of sense to me is the character issue and being upset that I could consider cheating to graduate. That issue alone is a poor reason to end a relationship, especially since I have never cheated in school. In her head she warped the possibility of me cheating in school into the possibility of me cheating on her. The two are completely unrelated and I think it's downright stupid that she even made that connection. So that's one reason why she wasn't happy, and that was only one conversation back in September. It was never discussed again. Link to post Share on other sites
pharmmage Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 What are the chances she reads your threads? 00 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 What was I supposed to have done? Believed that it would last forever and that we would get married and have kids? To be fair, I think that most people would expect a 32-yo guy to at least be considering the possibility of such, yes (although obviously not a guarantee). That aside, I think it's time to stop analyzing the outcome of this R? What's done is done. Focus on graduating ASAP, IMO. There's a whole new world waiting for you out there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 Somedude, Im going to strongly recommend you read this book. The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire: David Deida: 0600835090681: Amazon.com: Books Looks interesting. Might read it myself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author somedude81 Posted January 7, 2014 Author Share Posted January 7, 2014 Focus on graduating ASAP, IMO. There's a whole new world waiting for you out there. School doesn't resume until the 21st. So I've got a lot of time until then To be fair, I think that most people would expect a 32-yo guy to at least be considering the possibility of such, yes (although obviously not a guarantee). Of course it's a possibility, or it was. I probably would have given a different answer if I was still with her. I do want to get married down the line, but I don't really give a damn about kids. Having kids is something I always believed I'd do for my wife. That aside, I think it's time to stop analyzing the outcome of this R? What's done is done. Isn't it said that people generally need half the relationship length to heal after it ends? I was with her for six months. Plus I haven't exactly been going on dates since she dumped me. Though I think it all comes down to me not being ready to accept that it's over. I have been waiting far too long to get my first girlfriend. And then being with her turns out to be amazing. Then before I know it, I'm back to being single again. I've been on this forum for almost six years. Virtually the entire time I've been here, I was unhappily single. I hated being single so much that suicide actually became a daily thought. After massive amounts of pain and mental anguish I finally got what I wanted after so long. Then that happiness was taken away from me. I absolutely do not want to be single anymore. Frankly, I don't think I'll ever stop analyzing the outcome until I get another GF. And even then, this girl will probably be in my mind for long past that. Hell, I still think of the girl I used to like that I posted so much about on this forum and I haven't even seen her in two or three years. This breakup has absolutely crushed me and I'm just now starting to pick up the pieces. At least it hasn't negatively affected my schooling. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 This breakup has absolutely crushed me and I'm just now starting to pick up the pieces. At least it hasn't negatively affected my schooling. It's great that it hasn't affected your schooling. And that could be seen as an improvement, right? In the past, probably it would have. I think you need to start focusing on the positives. You had a girlfriend! You did better than before, and next time you'll do better still. You're down, but surviving, and the break up isn't affecting school. That's improvement! You are developing and maturing. Your future will be brighter than your past. When you finally accept that women may come and go (but they will come again), maybe you will be able to be more content with your single periods of time. And then you will be able to function with less fear and more success in a relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author somedude81 Posted January 7, 2014 Author Share Posted January 7, 2014 It's great that it hasn't affected your schooling. And that could be seen as an improvement, right? In the past, probably it would have. I think you need to start focusing on the positives. You had a girlfriend! You did better than before, and next time you'll do better still. You're down, but surviving, and the break up isn't affecting school. That's improvement! You are developing and maturing. Your future will be brighter than your past. When you finally accept that women may come and go (but they will come again), maybe you will be able to be more content with your single periods of time. And then you will be able to function with less fear and more success in a relationship. While I greatly appreciate your encouragement and support. It hasn't affected my schooling because I'm on winter break. If she had dumped me in the middle of the semester, I would have been in big trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
Fufu Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 somedude81: All I can say is "be with someone who truly wants to be with you." Whatever the reason was the break up, it really doesn't matter. You are still you, don't let a hiccup in your life gets you down for too long. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author somedude81 Posted January 7, 2014 Author Share Posted January 7, 2014 Wow, while cleaning my bedroom I found one of her hair ties. It wasn't long till the tears came. I haven't found anything of hers since I tossed out the few things she left behind a day after she dumped me. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 School doesn't resume until the 21st. So I've got a lot of time until then Ack. Hope the guitar training is going well, then! Isn't it said that people generally need half the relationship length to heal after it ends? I was with her for six months. I would hope not! Otherwise the folks who have had decade-long relationships/marriages dissolve would be rather screwed if that happens. Frankly I think you could speed the process along by going out and meeting people. That would be especially helpful since you're on vacation now. It's not healthy for your only personal interaction to be via a computer screen. This breakup has absolutely crushed me and I'm just now starting to pick up the pieces. At least it hasn't negatively affected my schooling. That's certainly a silver lining. Chin up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author somedude81 Posted February 17, 2014 Author Share Posted February 17, 2014 We just had which will most likely be the last communication between us. I hadn't heard anything back from her in a month, so I sent her an email from my secondary but still obviously me email address asking her if she blocked me. Then I went into more detail saying that we both knew I never did anything mean to her and that she was being unreasonably cold to me. She actually got back to me --------------------------------------------------- Don't you understand that not giving it any space from the time I broke up with you, destroyed any possibility of being friends. You kept asking me why, why, why, over and over and over again. And kept wanting to continue to talk about it. And I told you over and over again that I cannot be the person you talk to about this, then after that one night you went off on me. I was done. So yes I blocked you. I was sick of seeing stuff from you show up in my email and text regardless of the content because in the back of my mind it was just felt like it was going to be another rant. In your letter you said you would leave me be and I would really appreciate if you did so. I honestly have nothing left to say to you. I tried to explain it before but you didn't listen. This is the last thing I'm sending to you, please understand where I'm coming from. ------------------------------ Wow. So I got a very good lesson about why it's important to go No Contact after a breakup. By continuing to pester her, I ruined any chance of a reconciliation no matter how small that chance would have been. That night one night I "went off on her" was a month after she dumped me. She said something that got me really mad and against my better judgement I didn't stop texting her and I accused her of lying to me and generally was far too pushy with her. As the thread title says, she was my first girlfriend, and my first breakup. I made many mistakes, especially after she dumped me. In the end, it's always something I saw that makes women want to kick me out of their life. I need to know when to stop texting. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Sucks man. But at least you now have tangible evidence as to why continuing to badger an ex with contact is a negative and destructive thing and can use the knowledge to move forward and learn. As much as we all tried to warn you about doing this, I would guess that all of us have done similar things at one point. I know I did. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 I need to know when to stop texting. When the first text/email/phone call goes unanswered. That's when. That's the guideline I have always used. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author somedude81 Posted February 18, 2014 Author Share Posted February 18, 2014 (edited) Sucks man. But at least you now have tangible evidence as to why continuing to badger an ex with contact is a negative and destructive thing and can use the knowledge to move forward and learn. As much as we all tried to warn you about doing this, I would guess that all of us have done similar things at one point. I know I did. I think it's just one of those things in life that people have to experience for themselves. You can tell a kid over and over again to not touch the hot pot. But they are going to do it anyways. They need to find out for themselves why not to touch the pot. Also I was unable to accept any reason she gave me as to why she broke up with me. I should have known that and to stop trying to get the magic answer from her. I'm still unable to understand why she dumped me and can't get over the fact that's she's gone. Ugh, life sucks Edited February 18, 2014 by somedude81 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 I hate to say this, but we all kept trying to tell you to stop already. Hopefully this really will be the last time you attempt to contact her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 I think it's just one of those things in life that people have to experience for themselves. You can tell a kid over and over again to not touch the hot pot. But they are going to do it anyways. They need to find out for themselves why not to touch the pot. Also I was unable to accept any reason she gave me as to why she broke up with me. I should have known that and to stop trying to get the magic answer from her. I'm still unable to understand why she dumped me and can't get over the fact that's she's gone. Ugh, life sucks I don't think it's a necessary to try that out (I wish someone would have shook the sh*t out of the 18-year-old me before I learned the hard way), but it is what it is. Time to move forward. And you won't get the reason and, quite frankly, the reason doesn't matter. If you ever do get the reason somehow, odds are you won't even care enough about it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author somedude81 Posted February 18, 2014 Author Share Posted February 18, 2014 I don't think it's a necessary to try that out (I wish someone would have shook the sh*t out of the 18-year-old me before I learned the hard way), but it is what it is. Time to move forward. And you won't get the reason and, quite frankly, the reason doesn't matter. If you ever do get the reason somehow, odds are you won't even care enough about it. The 18-year old you.... Yeah, this is all stuff I should have dealt with and learned 14 years ago. As for the reason, she was kind enough to try to explain it to me, but I wasn't able to fully understand and accept. Now I realize that there isn't any point in trying to find out what her reason is. I should just be polite and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Under The Radar Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 The 18-year old you.... Yeah, this is all stuff I should have dealt with and learned 14 years ago. As for the reason, she was kind enough to try to explain it to me, but I wasn't able to fully understand and accept. Now I realize that there isn't any point in trying to find out what her reason is. I should just be polite and move on. Don't be so hard on yourself; most of us have to learn the hard way. Remember, experience will always be your best source of education. I've learned many important lessons in my 30's that most people knew in their 20's. Better late than never :laugh: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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