Just been dumped by my very first girlfriend.

[somedude81]

So it's been one week since she ended it. I haven't seen her or heard her voice since last Wednesday.

 

This has been the absolute worst week of my life. Thankfully the insomnia is starting to go away but my energy levels, motivation to do anything, and my appetite are still gone. I've pretty much had a constant headache the entire time. Waking up sucks and if I could I'd stay in bed all day.

 

I wish there was something I could do to get her back. I feel so powerless.

 

Why does she refuse to talk when she isn't mad at me and I haven't done anything to her at all? I know she saw her ex a few times after she ended it with him to sort things out, yet she won't do that with me?

[Under The Radar]

So it's been one week since she ended it. I haven't seen her or heard her voice since last Wednesday.

 

This has been the absolute worst week of my life. Thankfully the insomnia is starting to go away but my energy levels, motivation to do anything, and my appetite are still gone. I've pretty much had a constant headache the entire time. Waking up sucks and if I could I'd stay in bed all day.

 

I wish there was something I could do to get her back. I feel so powerless.

 

Why does she refuse to talk when she isn't mad at me and I haven't done anything to her at all? I know she saw her ex a few times after she ended it with him to sort things out, yet she won't do that with me?

 

 

Sorry again, SD

 

Why is she not contacting you? Well, because the relationship (for her) is over. She doesn't want to hurt you anymore than you already are. She doesn't want to give you any false hope that you two might reconcile. Furthermore, she is trying to heal and move on herself.

[Els]

I didn't answer your last post because I don't want to make you feel worse, but given that there seem to be a dearth of replies on your thread as of late, I'll go ahead and be honest...

 

Why does she refuse to talk when she isn't mad at me and I haven't done anything to her at all? I know she saw her ex a few times after she ended it with him to sort things out, yet she won't do that with me?

 

My guesswork answers, based on a memory of a similar breakup with my ex when I was about her age:

 

1) She did that for her ex because she was with him for a couple of years(?) IIRC, so she might have felt more invested and it was harder for her to cut ties

2) Girls in their late teens tend to not be great at explicitly communicating what they have a problem with and why, and try to avoid doing so

3) This, along with her insinuation that you 'can't take a hint', suggests to me that she feels any conversation about her problems would be pointless, because you wouldn't 'get it' and she doesn't want to lay it all out in a manner that you would.

4) This has probably been going on for much longer than you think it has been, you just perhaps did not notice. It feels sudden to you because of that, but for her, she had probably already started checking out a while before. That's why it's so easy for her to cut contact now.

 

It would be best for you to stop trying with her, IMO, and start working on healing and picking yourself up.

 

Good luck. You can do it.

[somedude81]

Sorry again, SD

 

Why is she not contacting you? Well, because the relationship (for her) is over. She doesn't want to hurt you anymore than you already are. She doesn't want to give you any false hope that you two might reconcile. Furthermore, she is trying to heal and move on herself.

What's hurting me the most is not understanding why it ended or what her reasons are.

 

I was completely blindsided. I know life isn't fair but it completely sucks how things happened.

 

Lastly, why does she need to heal? This is her f-ing fault. If she's in pain then she just has to get back together with me and we'll work it out!!!

[Simon Phoenix]

What's hurting me the most is not understanding why it ended or what her reasons are.

 

I was completely blindsided. I know life isn't fair but it completely sucks how things happened.

 

Lastly, why does she need to heal? This is her f-ing fault. If she's in pain then she just has to get back together with me and we'll work it out!!!

 

The reasons don't matter. The result does. The result is that she doesn't want to be with you. It's not like knowing the reasons will give you any clarity -- they'll just make you ask more questions, more questions that she does not want to answer.

 

And most dumpers feel bad about dumping. No one likes to dump anyone and I doubt she came to this conclusion lightly. I'm pretty sure she didn't want to hurt you, but she had to do what she felt she had to do. And as bad as she might feel now, getting back together with you would make her feel worse right now. You need to leave her alone and you need to find closure from within.

 

She doesn't want to work it out. You have to respect that. You can't manipulate her or "sell" her into being with you and even if you could, would you really want to?

Edited December 13, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[somedude81]

The reasons don't matter. The result does. The result is that she doesn't want to be with you. It's not like knowing the reasons will give you any clarity -- they'll just make you ask more questions, more questions that she does not want to answer.

The reasons matter very much so to me. I want to know how and why things went from great to broken up just by me going away for a week. I'm really hoping that there is something I did or didn't do so I can fix it. Of course I want to try and fix the things I did wrong so I can get back together with her, but there's also the bonus of not making the same mistakes with the next woman.

 

I have the kind of mind that really wants to know why. I've been single for the vast majority of my life and I need to know what the hell I'm doing wrong. For all I can tell, I lucked into a relationship with her and just fell out of it.

 

And most dumpers feel bad about dumping. No one likes to dump anyone and I doubt she came to this conclusion lightly. I'm pretty sure she didn't want to hurt you, but she had to do what she felt she had to do.

The fact that she never even gave me any hints or talked to me at all about the relationship really makes it seem like this was a quick and dirty decision. I leave for a short trip, come back and she breaks up with me. That's BS. I would never do that to somebody, and she didn't seem like the person to do it either, until that crap happened to me.

 

And as bad as she might feel now, getting back together with you would make her feel worse right now.

Why would it make her feel worse? That doesn't make any sense. Things would be good again and we can work on whatever issues we seemed to have had.

 

You need to leave her alone and you need to find closure from within.

I am leaving her alone, but I can't find closure when I have so many questions. Nothing that happened makes any sense. The only conclusion that I come to is that I shouldn't have left to visit my parents and that thought makes me so angry.

 

She doesn't want to work it out. You have to respect that.

At this point, I can't. I'm not going to contact her or stalk her, but I have every right to be absolutely pissed at her for what she did and is doing now.

[Simon Phoenix]

The reasons matter very much so to me. I want to know how and why things went from great to broken up just by me going away for a week. I'm really hoping that there is something I did or didn't do so I can fix it. Of course I want to try and fix the things I did wrong so I can get back together with her, but there's also the bonus of not making the same mistakes with the next woman.

 

You can't "fix" it though. Feelings are not logical and can not be fixed. Feelings don't come from a specific occurrence, they are just there. You can't fix anything and if you try, you'll come off as a disrespectful, manipulative turd.

 

I have the kind of mind that really wants to know why. I've been single for the vast majority of my life and I need to know what the hell I'm doing wrong. For all I can tell, I lucked into a relationship with her and just fell out of it.

 

What you are doing wrong is that you are putting way too much emphasis on being in a relationship vs. being single. You aren't confident on your own, you are needy, and you look for another person to make yourself whole. Women pick up on this and it's a deterrent. You trying to pursue these "answers" is part of the problem -- you don't have the confidence or self-sufficiency to just be you -- you are looking for others to point you in a certain direction. That is not attractive.

 

 

The fact that she never even gave me any hints or talked to me at all about the relationship really makes it seem like this was a quick and dirty decision. I leave for a short trip, come back and she breaks up with me. That's BS. I would never do that to somebody, and she didn't seem like the person to do it either, until that crap happened to me.

 

Well, you are almost certainly wrong. She probably did give some hints, ones you don't recognize because you are all emotional right now but you might recognize with clarity either. And the bolded is BS. So she should have stayed in a situation that she didn't want to stay in just for your benefit? That's selfish as f*ck dude.

 

Why would it make her feel worse? That doesn't make any sense. Things would be good again and we can work on whatever issues we seemed to have had.

 

SHE DOESN'T WANT TO WORK ON IT!! You need two people that want to work on things for you to actually work on them. For whatever reason, she didn't want to. It doesn't make her a bad person, it just means she feels that you aren't right for her. That's not a crime.

 

I am leaving her alone, but I can't find closure when I have so many questions. Nothing that happened makes any sense. The only conclusion that I come to is that I shouldn't have left to visit my parents and that thought makes me so angry.

 

Right now you can't see the forest for the trees, which is probably another reason she doesn't want to talk to you. No matter what she could have said, the odds of you understanding and processing it at this point are slim to none. I mean, you want to try to browbeat her into liking you again.

 

At this point, I can't. I'm not going to contact her or stalk her, but I have every right to be absolutely pissed at her for what she did and is doing now.

 

Sure, be pissed, but ultimately, you'll realize that her not talking to you and not trying to give you false hope is her being as compassionate as possible. Let's face it, if she sneezed in your direction and used your sleeve to wipe her nose right now you'd see it as an invitation to try to "work" on your relationship. It sucks, but you have to move forward man.

 

Ultimately, your problem is that you are approaching love as you would approach putting together an MP3 player -- as a logical process with directions that you can put together. Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. The more you try to find logic in this whole thing, the more it will drive you insane. You are trying to divide by zero right now.

[Andy_K]

I think you're all being a bit harsh on Somedude.

 

The reason you get dumped matters. It gives you closure and understanding. It gives you something you can work on before you embark on your next relationship. It allows you to grow as a person and a partner.

 

Not getting a reason simply breeds frustration and resentment, and may well lead to heartbreak in future when the same pattern is repeated.

 

Sometimes things are outside your control. Sometimes they are not. It's nice to know which is which.

[somedude81]

Sorry for dropping out of the thread last night. I was starting to get emotional and I had do something else.

I think you're all being a bit harsh on Somedude.

 

The reason you get dumped matters. It gives you closure and understanding. It gives you something you can work on before you embark on your next relationship. It allows you to grow as a person and a partner.

 

Not getting a reason simply breeds frustration and resentment, and may well lead to heartbreak in future when the same pattern is repeated.

 

Sometimes things are outside your control. Sometimes they are not. It's nice to know which is which.

Thank you!

 

That is exactly what is going on. Frankly as time goes on without answers I can feel myself getting more and more angry at her. This isn't something I can just let go. I'm tried of waking up at 4am wondering why I was suddenly dumped. I need to start healing but I can't do it with these questions always on my mind. I have to know what happened.

 

If she still doesn't want to meet up then I'm going to see if she'll at least talk over Skype or on the phone.

[somedude81]

The reasons don't matter. The result does. The result is that she doesn't want to be with you. It's not like knowing the reasons will give you any clarity -- they'll just make you ask more questions, more questions that she does not want to answer.

 

But no reason will make you feel better. Think about it. If she said:

 

a). I'm not attracted to you as I once was

b). I met someone else

c). I'm going back to my ex

d). I'm a lesbian

e). I want to be single for a while

 

or whatever else, none of those reasons are going to make you feel better. Ultimately, she weighed being with you vs being without you, and without came out on top.

Knowing the reasons will make me feel better.

 

If she told me that she is no longer as attracted to me as before I could ask her if it's because I started gaining weight, if it was something else physical or was it because of something I wasn't doing anymore or started doing. Maybe she got bored of the weekly routine, maybe she misses the excitement we used to have, maybe she's just overstressed from working. It could be a lot of things.

 

If it's another guy or her ex then I'd call her a bunch of dirty names and be done with it. This reason would actually help me heal the fastest as it would immediately kill all my feelings for her.

 

She actually said she wants to be single for a while, but this is the one that doesn't make any sense to me. From what I could tell, she was very happy with me and sex was great. It doesn't make sense to give that up just to be single. Being single is horrible, why would anybody want it? Especially this time of year.

[Mrlonelyone]

Given her age and how much people change between 18 and 25, it's most likely that her taste just changed.

 

 

Let me elaborate.

 

 

SD I too am going to say that it would be very nice if she could give you a logical reason for dumping you. Even if you then went on to the next one and left her alone, you could be sure to work on it. It would provide a logical framework for what happened.

 

 

I know how you feel. You want the world to make some sense and right now her dumping hurts not only as rejection but because it seems a bit random. Trust us it isn't.

 

 

 

 

However, she's not able to give you such a reason. Not because there isn't a reason, but because at her stage of development she does not yet know why she makes the romantic choices she does. She's 22 and young adults fall in and out of love all the time.

 

 

While over 18 is an adult, 18-25 is still a young adult. Someone who is in many ways more like a teenager or a child yet fully grown up. That is not just an opinion, it is a scientific fact that the pre-frontal cortex, the part of the brain that creates good judgement does not finish growing until around 25. If she were a bit older she would have the wisdom to be able to just tell you a good reason why.

 

 

When you decide to get mixed up with someone that age you take the risk that their taste will change radically and quickly. They are figuring out what their type is. What do they really like. She had her ex, odds are she's outgrown him. She had you and liked having an older man, odds are she's simply outgrown you. Next she'll be onto some other kind of guy, and she'll outgrow him.

 

 

Could anything ever bring her back?

 

 

Along with the above comes the fact that young adults are fickle. They change and then sometimes they change back. However, there is nothing you can do to make that change happen. Go NC, move on, find someone else. If before you do she comes back and contacts you and wants to try again by all means reach out to her if you even still want a flaky fickle woman.

[Mrlonelyone]

She actually said she wants to be single for a while, but this is the one that doesn't make any sense to me. From what I could tell, she was very happy with me and sex was great. It doesn't make sense to give that up just to be single. Being single is horrible, why would anybody want it? Especially this time of year.

 

 

 

Which almost always means that she's already with a totally new guy and will be engaged to, married to, or at least pregnant by him by next Valentines day. J/K But that does seem to be what happens when people say they want to be single.

[KathyM]

She already gave you the reason she broke it off (because she wasn't developing feelings like she thought should be there at this point). People can't always put a reason on why those feelings did not develop. I know you want closure of some kind, but it sounds like she would not be able to explain why her feelings were not there for you. She may not know why they were not, only that they were not. Or if she does know, she doesn't want to hurt your feelings about it anymore than has already been done, or wants to avoid the drama of talking about it. Either way, pressuring her for answers is not going to be helpful. She likely doesn't know why herself, only than she just wasn't feeling it. I'm sorry, but sometimes there is no answer other than that.

[Ruby Slippers]

The reasons are here, and these are plenty:

 

Then she starts talking about how she feels that her feelings have plateaued (and started to drop) and that she's not in love with me like she feels like she should be after being together six months. I think she mentioned feeling this way for a bit, and me being gone for the week gave her time to think and talk about me to her friends.

 

I kind of understand what she means by having her feelings plateau. A common thought of mine was that I love her, when she's with me. (Though I would certainly not break up because of this) She told me that she thinks my feelings for her are much stronger than her feelings for me. She also believes that she may not have been single long enough after breaking up with her ex of 3 years. And that she now wants to stay single for a long time.

I broke up with my ex 2 months ago, and I'm still replaying things and wondering why we couldn't make it work. I think about him most days when I'm falling asleep, and first thing when I wake up. The Christmas tree in my living room reminds me of decorating it with him last year. I see dozens of reminders of him every day, and I think about him and miss him.

 

But this is an emotional exercise, part of letting go. Rationally, I know what was wrong.

 

It's healthy to let yourself feel all these emotions and vent them. If you try to suppress them, they'll just end up plaguing you and coming out in strange ways for years. But not to her - to people in your life and LS. If nothing else, go sit at a bar, get a drink, and vent to the bartender. They've heard all these broken-hearted stories and usually have good things to say.

 

Break-ups absolutely suck. There's just no way around that.

 

For what it's worth, I've also been having those "never going to find anyone again" / "never going to find real love" feelings, BIG TIME. I'm almost depressed about it. It really sucks to break up right before the holidays.

[pteromom]

Hey, SD. I am really sorry this happened.

 

I am proud of you though. You've grown a lot, and it will help you in your next relationship.

[Simon Phoenix]

I think you're all being a bit harsh on Somedude.

 

The reason you get dumped matters. It gives you closure and understanding. It gives you something you can work on before you embark on your next relationship. It allows you to grow as a person and a partner.

 

Not getting a reason simply breeds frustration and resentment, and may well lead to heartbreak in future when the same pattern is repeated.

 

Sometimes things are outside your control. Sometimes they are not. It's nice to know which is which.

 

Completely disagree on all accounts. And the odds of her being honest and forthright about this are slim and none. He'd be better off going to Vegas and trying to hit some parlays.

[Simon Phoenix]

Knowing the reasons will make me feel better.

 

If she told me that she is no longer as attracted to me as before I could ask her if it's because I started gaining weight, if it was something else physical or was it because of something I wasn't doing anymore or started doing. Maybe she got bored of the weekly routine, maybe she misses the excitement we used to have, maybe she's just overstressed from working. It could be a lot of things.

 

If it's another guy or her ex then I'd call her a bunch of dirty names and be done with it. This reason would actually help me heal the fastest as it would immediately kill all my feelings for her.

 

She actually said she wants to be single for a while, but this is the one that doesn't make any sense to me. From what I could tell, she was very happy with me and sex was great. It doesn't make sense to give that up just to be single. Being single is horrible, why would anybody want it? Especially this time of year.

 

STOP TRYING TO FIND LOGIC IN THE ILLOGICAL! I mean, this is a whole bunch of herpderp. You want to know so you can bargain to be with her. That's weak, unattractive behavior. And some people actually enjoy being single. I would much rather be single than be in a relationship I wasn't feeling. I doubt I'm the only person on this planet that feels that. You are projecting your values on to others that don't necessarily share those values. Stop.

[somedude81]

Thank you everybody for trying to help me.

 

I know I'm being very stubborn.

 

I'm hurting a lot, trying to find reasons when there might not be any, and desperately want things to go back to the way they were.

 

Somehow I have to be able to let go. Let her go

 

Being with her was so great. For the first time, I truly felt happy.

 

Hopefully I'll be able to take comfort in that because I finally manged to have a relationship, it means that it's something that I can actually do, and that it should be able to happen again.

 

Being happy on my own is a difficult concept and not one I know how to even start.

[Simon Phoenix]

Thank you everybody for trying to help me.

 

I know I'm being very stubborn.

 

I'm hurting a lot, trying to find reasons when there might not be any, and desperately want things to go back to the way they were.

 

Somehow I have to be able to let go. Let her go

 

Being with her was so great. For the first time, I truly felt happy.

 

Hopefully I'll be able to take comfort in that because I finally manged to have a relationship, it means that it's something that I can actually do, and that it should be able to happen again.

 

Being happy on my own is a difficult concept and not one I know how to even start.

 

Honestly, I'm in my 30s and have spent most of my life single. I'm a little different from you in that I don't mind it, and I in fact took it as a bit of a point of pride that I can do whatever I want whenever I want without having another person to account for, but I was hit by the lightning bolt in the failed relationship that brought me here. For the first time in my life I found a woman (even though the relationship was short, shorter than yours) that I could actually envision being a long-term and even (gasp) a marriage option, which had never happened. It freaked me out and caused me to withdraw from her in a drunken stupor, which caused her to break up with me, but although we are different in that respect, I understand where you are coming from.

 

I'm harsh on you a bit because you are doing a lot of the things I was doing in the aftermath as far as overanalyzing and the "if I can just convince her of this, it'll go back to the way it was" line of thinking, just driving myself crazy with it. But I learned that fixing a broken relationship isn't like an algebra problem -- 2x + 15 does not equal true love. If the other person doesn't feel it, then all the mental gymnastics we do are for naught -- we just miss the bar and end up faceplanting.

 

Luckily you haven't been badgering her too much. Keep it up, go NC and work on you. Know that, like you said, you are capable of having a relationship. Know that this failure isn't necessarily because of something you did, just something she felt that you have no control over. Know that you'll find someone who will accept you as you are and that you won't have to try to find some magic formula or easy button to her heart.

 

It sucks right now and will suck for a while longer, but this whole situation will turn out as a net positive for you in the long run. The silver lining in my situation is that I discovered that I'm not a complete robot, that I have the capacity for letting another person in and that it's nothing to be afraid of. I think that's a good thing for me. You'll find a good thing for you out of this and you'll be in great shape for the next relationship that comes down the pike.

[KathyM]

Thank you everybody for trying to help me.

 

I know I'm being very stubborn.

 

I'm hurting a lot, trying to find reasons when there might not be any, and desperately want things to go back to the way they were.

 

Somehow I have to be able to let go. Let her go

 

Being with her was so great. For the first time, I truly felt happy.

 

Hopefully I'll be able to take comfort in that because I finally manged to have a relationship, it means that it's something that I can actually do, and that it should be able to happen again.

 

Being happy on my own is a difficult concept and not one I know how to even start.

You start by finding other things that make you happy, so that when a relationship fails, it won't feel like you've lost everything. People need to have a well-rounded, well integrated life, where they are deriving their happiness and joy from a variety of things (their passions, their hobbies, their career, their connections with others apart from a romantic relationship, etc.). There are many things that provide happiness and meaning in life. When you make a romantic relationship the "be all, end all" in your life, you set yourself up for a lot of disappointment and despair. Relationships will come and go. You may eventually find one that will last forever. But you need to derive your happiness from a variety of things and not make it all about the romantic relationship, because most romantic relationships do fail until the right match is found. That often takes time and effort to find the right match. This girl was not for whatever reason. But this was a good experience for you. I think it gave you more confidence in yourself, and may give you more confidence to put yourself out there and take a chance and risk rejection, because eventually a relationship will come out of your efforts. This experience should motivate you, and give you more confidence, but as I said, you should take the time to develop these others areas of your life that will also bring meaning and happiness, and which will also make you a more attractive relationship partner to others.

[Ruby Slippers]

I've had 5 serious relationships in my life - and with each new relationship, I've gotten closer to a long-term match, someone I could see myself marrying and having kids with.

 

I think that as you get more and more comfortable with who you are, and get clearer about what you're looking for in a romantic relationship, you naturally attract better-suited partners.

 

So that's something to look forward to as well.

[somedude81]

Today was the final of the last class that I needed to take at my current university.

 

After the class I had to send her a text,

 

"Just finished my final and I think I did OK. So I'm finally done with this school. No matter what happens to us from now on, I'm glad I got be with you before I left here. Having you in my life made it all worthwhile. Thank you for the good memories."

 

I was at this school from Fall 2008 to Winter 2013. I've had lots of female friends, not counting her I've gotten very close to four three girls, been hurt really badly by two of them. And finally on my last year, I had my first relationship. Though it really sucks that it ended while I was still at school. BTW, she was the second girl I've ever kissed. First one was 10 years ago, back when I was 22. That was a short thing that lasted two weeks.

 

With my last message I'm done with this girl unless there is the very slim chance she contacts me again. Frankly, if I didn't have this relationship with her, I probably would have killed myself out of misery. I would have been extremely depressed if I left college without being in a relationship. That's no longer an issue.

 

Now I'm just sitting at my desk crying as I look through the pictures I have of her and us together.

Edited December 17, 2013 by somedude81

[somedude81]

Yeah... that wasn't a good idea. You should have remained incommunicado. If they reject you, maintain radio silence...

I have no hope of us getting back together, and I thought it was obvious from the content of my post that she was very important to me.

 

She also knows that she was my first girlfriend, and that I've been at this school a long time.

 

Frankly, I have nothing left to lose.

[somedude81]

Perhaps, but it has now upset you. That's what I mean. I'm sure she was important to you, but it's better to just be upset by the memories instead of reaching out to her.

Oh no, I'm not upset by her. I don't expect her to reply at all. I just hope she reads it.

 

What's getting me is the flood of emotions as I'm going through a big life change and I had somebody in my life that made me feel I was wasting my life.

 

It's more complicated than it seems.

[blombox]

He man! Life sucks sometimes. Just remember, there is still hope!