If you dump someone because they are cheating on you, are you the dumper or dumpee?

[headinthecloud]

I'm looking for people's thoughts on the topic because I read about it time and time again. If you dump someone because they are cheating on you, are you the dumper or dumpee?

 

 

 

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[Woggle]

You are the dumper but in this case the dumper is in the right.

[acrosstheuniverse]

You are the dumper but in this case the dumper is in the right.

 

Does this imply that in break ups where nobody has cheated, the dumper is somehow 'in the wrong'?

 

I've dumped before, and I've also been very, very painfully dumped by two guys I was in love with. But I'd never consider them or I to have been in the right or wrong, as I'd hope a partner felt able to end a relationship that wasn't working for them. Unless they went about it in a really awful way, like doing it via text or acting like a total tool towards me being purposefully nasty.

[Arabella]

Does this imply that in break ups where nobody has cheated, the dumper is somehow 'in the wrong'?

 

That seems to be the general consensus on Loveshack. If you dump someone, you're suddenly selfish, uncaring, and a horrible person... unless you've been cheated on or abused.

 

Yep, it's messed up, but that's the way things are around here.

[headinthecloud]

That seems to be the general consensus on Loveshack. If you dump someone, you're suddenly selfish, uncaring, and a horrible person... unless you've been cheated on or abused.

 

Yep, it's messed up, but that's the way things are around here.

 

See now, I would respectfully disagree. In fact, IMO if you've been cheated on then you're forced to be the dumper when in actuality they have already dumped you by pursuing someone else - they just didn't have the guts to break it off first.

 

I think if you're being abused in RS, that's another ball of wax altogether.

[Arabella]

See now, I would respectfully disagree. In fact, IMO if you've been cheated on then you're forced to be the dumper when in actuality they have already dumped you by pursuing someone else - they just didn't have the guts to break it off first.

 

I think if you're being abused in RS, that's another ball of wax altogether.

 

I've been the dumper in my last two relationships, so yeah, I agree with you! I was just explaining Woggle's comment because it matches the general perception of a lot of people in this forum. They feel that a dumper is "in the wrong" unless some horrible grievance has been committed against them.

 

Obviously, this is not always the case. Some people are just not compatible for whatever reason. The dumpee doesn't have to agree for the reason to be legitimate to the dumper. Sometimes, even if no major problems have occurred, there may be other issues at play. Immaturity, lack of trust, sexual dissatisfaction, etc... just to name a few.

[PegNosePete]

Why do you feel the need to label yourself or your ex? What does it matter who was "dumper" and who was "dumpee"? All that matter is that you did what you felt was right.

[painfullyobvious]

Whether you are the dumper or the dumpee you are smart for leaving a cheater. It is inconsequential the way I look at it. Just be glad you were not too serious with a person that cheats such as marriage or had children

[AlphaC]

Why do you feel the need to label yourself or your ex? What does it matter who was "dumper" and who was "dumpee"? All that matter is that you did what you felt was right.

 

I agree, who cares if you are the dumper or dumpee, relationships are supposed to be about love, not about labels. There are no rules to follow, there are only hearts to mend, mistakes to be learned, experiences to be had. If you leave the relationship and want to get back, work it out, regardless of who ended it, be vulnerable - life is short. Forget all these dumb labels, rules, etc etc.

[acrosstheuniverse]

That seems to be the general consensus on Loveshack. If you dump someone, you're suddenly selfish, uncaring, and a horrible person... unless you've been cheated on or abused.

 

Yep, it's messed up, but that's the way things are around here.

 

That's a shame, that probably helps to breed resentment... imagine if I held it against my ex that he left me, thought he was a dick just for breaking up... imo if someone doesn't see the relationship going anywhere or working out, the kindest thing to do for all parties is to end it.

 

Do I wish I'd never had to go through that pain? Yup. Would I rather the guys stayed with me out of pity or because they didn't feel they had a good enough 'reason' to end it? Hell no. Let me be free to meet somebody who really wants to be together with me!

[Kate9292]

See now, I would respectfully disagree. In fact, IMO if you've been cheated on then you're forced to be the dumper when in actuality they have already dumped you by pursuing someone else - they just didn't have the guts to break it off first.

 

Not always.

 

Not every person who cheats wants out of their current relationship.

[headinthecloud]

Not always.

 

Not every person who cheats wants out of their current relationship.

 

Are you implying that because some people think its ok to cheat that makes it acceptable?

[tlegend]

If you still have to find reassurance from the title of a mutual breakup to contain "dumper" or "dumpee", I think you are missing the entire point of the relationship.

[Kate9292]

Are you implying that because some people think its ok to cheat that makes it acceptable?

 

No, I'm saying that not every person who cheats, does this because they secretly want out of the relationship, but don't have the guts to break up normally.

[Woggle]

I'm not saying that cheating is the only acceptable reason for a breakup but of all the good reasons to leave somebody it's in the top three.

[PegNosePete]

Acceptable is a subjective term. Some people may think it is acceptable to cheat. Others (most) may not. There will never be any kind of overall consensus on this issue because one of the luxuries of living in the (relatively) Free World, is that we are all allowed to hold our own opinions.

 

To the question "is cheating acceptable?", the only sensible response is "acceptable to whom?".

[headinthecloud]

Thanks for the comments, everyone.

 

As for labels, from what I gather on LS posts, how you behave post breakup has everything to do with whether you're the dumper or dumpee so not sure how you can't label a breakup given that the RS is over.

 

I'm not saying that cheating is the only acceptable reason for a breakup but of all the good reasons to leave somebody it's in the top three.

 

If you find out your partner has been cheating and he/she knows is a deal breaker for you then technically the cheater has already dumped you even though you ended it. We're not talking about the validity of the reason for the BU, we're talking about how you should perceive your part in the BU so you can begin healing.

[stillafool]

I'm looking for people's thoughts on the topic because I read about it time and time again. If you dump someone because they are cheating on you, are you the dumper or dumpee?

 

 

 

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Dumper! Why? Does it make a difference now that the cheater is gone?

[headinthecloud]

Acceptable is a subjective term. Some people may think it is acceptable to cheat. Others (most) may not. There will never be any kind of overall consensus on this issue because one of the luxuries of living in the (relatively) Free World, is that we are all allowed to hold our own opinions.

 

To the question "is cheating acceptable?", the only sensible response is "acceptable to whom?".

 

IMO, people who think its ok to cheat under certain circumstances deserve a partner who feels exactly as they do.

[headinthecloud]

Dumper! Why? Does it make a difference now that the cheater is gone?

 

I think it does matter because in this situation, an exclusive/monogamous RS, the "dumper" is unfairly forced into a position to end a RS where they were deceived into thinking they were loved and respected. Then they have to carry guilt of initiating a BU because their partner wouldn't communicate how they really felt.

[ThatMan]

Acceptable is a subjective term. Some people may think it is acceptable to cheat. Others (most) may not. There will never be any kind of overall consensus on this issue because one of the luxuries of living in the (relatively) Free World, is that we are all allowed to hold our own opinions.

 

To the question "is cheating acceptable?", the only sensible response is "acceptable to whom?".

Replace the term 'acceptable' with 'healthy' and it suddenly becomes much easier to create blanketed statements. From a sociology standpoint, trustworthiness is universally the most desirable trait for anyone. The most simplistic relationships between distant acquaintances both desire some level of trust between each other. We are all allowed to create our own decisions but that does not alter dysfunction in relationships with cheating.

[tlegend]

Replace the term 'acceptable' with 'healthy' and it suddenly becomes much easier to create blanketed statements. From a sociology standpoint, trustworthiness is universally the most desirable trait for anyone. The most simplistic relationships between distances acquaintances both desire some level of trust between each other. We are all allowed to create our own decisions but that does not alter dysfunction in relationships with cheating.

 

The bolded statement is false.

 

Please re-arrange your argument.

 

Do not take my post as derogatory. It isn't. Carry on.

[Kate9292]

I think it does matter because in this situation, an exclusive/monogamous RS, the "dumper" is unfairly forced into a position to end a RS where they were deceived into thinking they were loved and respected. Then they have to carry guilt of initiating a BU because their partner wouldn't communicate how they really felt.

 

If someone didn't love or respect me, I wouldn't feel guilty in the slightest over breaking up with them. Good riddance I'd say.

 

If you find out your partner has been cheating and he/she knows is a deal breaker for you then technically the cheater has already dumped you even though you ended it. We're not talking about the validity of the reason for the BU, we're talking about how you should perceive your part in the BU so you can begin healing.

 

Cheating doesn't automatically mean dumping someone. There you go wrong.

 

If someone cheats and break up happens, that's it. It isn't always cheated on person that initiates break up, it could be a cheater too. But there is no rule. Some people who cheat come later to their partners and dump them. Some want to work it out.

Edited December 7, 2013 by Kate9292

[crederer]

Are you implying that because some people think its ok to cheat that makes it acceptable?

 

She's implying she's cheated on her partner but still wants to be with him.

[Ninjainpajamas]

If you've been cheated on then breaking up with the cheater is essentially just saving face at that point...you're not really "dumping" the cheater, your hand was forced by their actions, they essentially betrayed you and the relationship...you basically can just walk away from it at that point for your own good.

 

In a way you've already been dumped by the cheater knowing the consequences of cheating...but if you decide to to stay....well that's a whole other thread.