Giving space in LDR?

[LLQ1986]

My bf and I have been in a LDR for 2yrs+, although we have 8hours of time zone difference, we will text each other (Whatsapp) everyday, the moment he wakes up and gets ready for work (about 5pm my time) till my bed time (12am my time). We usually just Skype once a week (30-40mins) or just once every 2 weeks because we both prefer texting and sending each other pictures/videos/voice notes.

 

Just recently the bf is suffering from tremendous stress at work (organization reform and his pay might get cut), taking an exam for his ACCA qualification (it's his 3rd attempt of re-sitting the same exam) and his grandpa has just passed away a few days ago.

 

During his study period in preparation for the exam, we will text very little because he doesn't want to be distracted.

 

But this time around, with so many things happening at the same time, he got very depressed, to the extent he doesn't bother to text me, reply my messages. In my messages, I kept trying to cheer him up, encourage him and constantly telling him that I'll be there for him and I'll love him no matter what. And he would thank me and tell me that he loves me too.

 

I told him that the fact that he's read my msges and didn't bother to reply hurts me like hell. Because I was very worried about his mental health (his emotions) and if he's eating and sleeping alright. He kept apologizing to me, saying he's shutting down on everyone who cares about him because he's so sad that he doesn't want to talk to anyone. I asked him if just sending me one msg in the morning to assure me that he's okay is too much, he said it isn't at all. At last, I told him I will give him space so he will go do whatever he has to and come back to me once his exam's finished (Dec 10).

 

I know I might sound silly but I haven't heard from him for 1.5 days now; I know he's been checking his msges on whatsapp (from his last seen online time) but he just didn't send me any texts.

 

I'm visiting him with my dad next Feb and I really hope that he's gonna be fine and he will eventually come back and talk to me if I stop talking and pressing him to talk.

 

Should I be worried at all?

[HeavenOrHell]

1.5 days isn't long and he does have a lot on his plate, I would take a step back and give him space, don't contact him.

 

You've been together 2 years but not met yet? That's a long time, you might not even click IRL.

 

My bf and I have been in a LDR for 2yrs+, although we have 8hours of time zone difference, we will text each other (Whatsapp) everyday, the moment he wakes up and gets ready for work (about 5pm my time) till my bed time (12am my time). We usually just Skype once a week (30-40mins) or just once every 2 weeks because we both prefer texting and sending each other pictures/videos/voice notes.

 

Just recently the bf is suffering from tremendous stress at work (organization reform and his pay might get cut), taking an exam for his ACCA qualification (it's his 3rd attempt of re-sitting the same exam) and his grandpa has just passed away a few days ago.

 

During his study period in preparation for the exam, we will text very little because he doesn't want to be distracted.

 

But this time around, with so many things happening at the same time, he got very depressed, to the extent he doesn't bother to text me, reply my messages. In my messages, I kept trying to cheer him up, encourage him and constantly telling him that I'll be there for him and I'll love him no matter what. And he would thank me and tell me that he loves me too.

 

I told him that the fact that he's read my msges and didn't bother to reply hurts me like hell. Because I was very worried about his mental health (his emotions) and if he's eating and sleeping alright. He kept apologizing to me, saying he's shutting down on everyone who cares about him because he's so sad that he doesn't want to talk to anyone. I asked him if just sending me one msg in the morning to assure me that he's okay is too much, he said it isn't at all. At last, I told him I will give him space so he will go do whatever he has to and come back to me once his exam's finished (Dec 10).

 

I know I might sound silly but I haven't heard from him for 1.5 days now; I know he's been checking his msges on whatsapp (from his last seen online time) but he just didn't send me any texts.

 

I'm visiting him with my dad next Feb and I really hope that he's gonna be fine and he will eventually come back and talk to me if I stop talking and pressing him to talk.

 

Should I be worried at all?

[HeavenOrHell]

In LDR's we have a lot of physical space from each other, but sometimes you need space from them full stop, ie head space, LDR's can be very intense, or fraught with problems and sometimes you need a break from it mentally.

 

 

 

 

hahahhahahah sounds funny. sounds like separate in a break up.

 

giving space in a ldr????

[justwhoiam]

Should I be worried at all?

Anyone caring about someone else will worry now and then. So, it's just normal, with the distance and the stressful time he's going through. But you shouldn't worry now if you don't hear from him, because you told him you were OK with him not getting in touch with you until Dec. 10. That was YOUR idea, so don't blame it on anyone. Be patient until Dec. 11.

 

giving space in a ldr????

Yes, that might be necessary. With a time gap of 8 hours, two people might have to communicate at odd times, or inappropriate times, and it might be difficult to keep up with the very same pace/frequency long-term. People need to get things done and keep a balance between communication with their distance soulmate and RL.

 

You've been together 2 years but not met yet? That's a long time, you might not even click IRL.

Right, I agree with that. So, haven't you met him yet? Or are you just talking about your next visit?

[Solcita2]

Give him space... wait a little longer before sending another message... Dec. 10th is not that far away... I wouldn't send him any messages until that day just to wish him good luck and then on Dec. 11st I'd try to talk... give him space, it's not a sin to want to be on your own when everything's just too much...

[LLQ1986]

Anyone caring about someone else will worry now and then. So, it's just normal, with the distance and the stressful time he's going through. But you shouldn't worry now if you don't hear from him, because you told him you were OK with him not getting in touch with you until Dec. 10. That was YOUR idea, so don't blame it on anyone. Be patient until Dec. 11.

 

Yes, that might be necessary. With a time gap of 8 hours, two people might have to communicate at odd times, or inappropriate times, and it might be difficult to keep up with the very same pace/frequency long-term. People need to get things done and keep a balance between communication with their distance soulmate and RL.

 

Right, I agree with that. So, haven't you met him yet? Or are you just talking about your next visit?

 

 

I know It was my idea I felt like I was pressuring him into responding to me so I told him I would stop. I'm just slightly concern that he might not talk to me till then

 

We have met 3 times. Basically we met online and he got on the plane and flew 13hours to see me 6 months after we started dating online. We have both met each other's families and friends. We only managed to meet once this year (late Jan) because of our work schedule and money of course.

 

We have talked about our future before and we see each other as the one we will going to spend the rest of our lives with. However, about 2 weeks ago, he told me he's had doubts in us; that we might not work. He was facing issues at work and he told me he was sad because he can't have me when he needed me the most...and that breaks my heart. So I told him i'll fly to him next year just to spend a couple of months with him. That idea cheered him up for bit...but it wasn't long until he's completely stressed out with his revision and his grandpa died.

[LLQ1986]

Give him space... wait a little longer before sending another message... Dec. 10th is not that far away... I wouldn't send him any messages until that day just to wish him good luck and then on Dec. 11st I'd try to talk... give him space, it's not a sin to want to be on your own when everything's just too much...

 

Appreciate your piece of advice Yeah I plan to send him a good luck msg the day before his exam. I don't mind to give him space at all but I'm just worried that he might not come back

[LLQ1986]

1.5 days isn't long and he does have a lot on his plate, I would take a step back and give him space, don't contact him.

 

You've been together 2 years but not met yet? That's a long time, you might not even click IRL.

 

Okay I will try not to though i'm very tempted to check on him, if he's doing okay because he has high blood pressure and he told me he's got serious migraine and been vomiting due to stress And so besides his mental health, I'm very concern about his health in general.

 

We have met 3 times. Basically we met online and he got on the plane and flew 13hours to see me 6 months after we started dating online. We have both met each other's families and friends. We only managed to meet once this year (late Jan) because of our work schedule and money of course.

[d0nnivain]

The stress of having to take this exam for the 3rd time on the heels of his grandfather's death is enormous.

 

 

Anything you do to pressure him to pay attention to you right now is almost mean.

 

 

Yes, there is a lot of distance in an LDR. But right now, he can't handle one more to do.

 

 

When I was in college around exam time the school would enable parents or whoever to send us "exam survival kits." They usually contained a combination of caffeine (soda, coffee, no-doze, chocolate etc.) ; inspirational messages; & something soothing like tea or an eye shade plus pencils & highlighters. Send him something like that you make yourself, no strings attached, just to wish him well on the exam.

 

 

He'll probably call you on the 11th . . . after he gets some sleep but don't expect too much responsiveness before then. You can keep sending messages but stop telling him you're hurt when he doesn't respond. However miffed you may feel pales in comparison to the grief he's dealing with in the aftermath of a family death. Be supportive, not soul sucking.

[TMichaels]

LLQ1986,

 

When men are overwhelmed they often "go into their cave" to recover and regain their sense of self.

 

Worst thing you can do is bother him while he's trying to deal with his issues. When he's ready and done licking his wounds he'll come back out.

 

Have you ever read any of John Gray's books? He talks a lot about how men and women handle stress and emotional upheaval differently. Often how men retreat when they're under stress is referred to "the rubber band theory."

 

Google it or have a look here to get a better idea of what's going on. Then, sit tight, keep yourself busy, and trust that he'll be back once he's had the time and space to have worked through his stuff.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[WhoreyBull]

I say let him have his time until he messages you.

However I will also say that my ex ltr "broke up" with me by just stopping talking to me.

However, he hasn't canceled the trip, so it looks like he is just feeling overwhelmed.

[FitChick]

How soon will he get exam results. It's possible you might not hear from him until he knows if he passed. If he passes, he will be more positive about your future and life in general.

 

I agree with the others. No pressure or you'll create the thing you fear. Go do something interesting, exciting, learn some new skill. So when you do speak you will be more interesting.

[LLQ1986]

LLQ1986,

 

When men are overwhelmed they often "go into their cave" to recover and regain their sense of self.

 

Worst thing you can do is bother him while he's trying to deal with his issues. When he's ready and done licking his wounds he'll come back out.

 

Have you ever read any of John Gray's books? He talks a lot about how men and women handle stress and emotional upheaval differently. Often how men retreat when they're under stress is referred to "the rubber band theory."

 

Google it or have a look here to get a better idea of what's going on. Then, sit tight, keep yourself busy, and trust that he'll be back once he's had the time and space to have worked through his stuff.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

 

Thanks TMichaels! Your reply and the link are very insightful I always thought that people, esp the girls love to talk about and share their problems when they are emotional. Because I believe not talking it out actually makes things worst.

 

I will stay positive and hopefully he'll come back to me once he's out of his cave!

[LLQ1986]

I say let him have his time until he messages you.

However I will also say that my ex ltr "broke up" with me by just stopping talking to me.

However, he hasn't canceled the trip, so it looks like he is just feeling overwhelmed.

 

Dang! I hope this doesn't happen to me Anyhow it's unlikely that he'll cancel the trip as I will be the one who's doing the traveling. Yeap, I might just send him an encouragement msg on his exam day

[LLQ1986]

How soon will he get exam results. It's possible you might not hear from him until he knows if he passed. If he passes, he will be more positive about your future and life in general.

 

I agree with the others. No pressure or you'll create the thing you fear. Go do something interesting, exciting, learn some new skill. So when you do speak you will be more interesting.

 

He will only be getting his result say 3-4 months later. I'll be visiting him in less than 2 months I certainly hope he will come back to me right after his exam!