Girlfriend honest about ex-friend with benefits?

[Nickyg]

SO I have dated this girl for 6 months now. Everything has been going smoothly. A few arguments here and there, but we always work through it and she lets me know she thinks Im a great guy, she cares about me a lot, calls me babe and baby often, and goes out of her way to come see me despite living farther away. She tells me no one deserves to be cheated on and it's not fair to defy soeone's trust like that. Early on, her old friend with benefits tried contacting her. She told him "no sex, we're just friends. okay? My bf has never hurt me and doesnt deserve me doing that to him." Over time she's learned my distaste for this guy and even goes so far as to show me that she doesn't even contact him at all anymore even ignoring his messages even when he flirts even though I never told her that I don't want her to text him... She took it upon her self it seems. She says she feels that the best way is to ignore it... A few weeks ago, he showed up to her house drunk, but she was with me and he kept texting her saying how much he missed her and stuff. She told me about it and said, as I said before, it's best not to give him what he wants, which is her to contact him. We had a great night that night and everytime he texted her, she let me know so I wouldn't feel mad. This past weekend, she told me he called her. I was kind of alarmed, and asked her why he won't leave her alone and what not. She says he's lonely because hes getting a divorce and she feels bad. SHe's aware that he just wants to get in her pants. We talked and I asked if she responded and she didnt say anything about it. The next day I called her and asked what the deal was. She told me she didn't answer and does so just because she knows it'll make me more comfortable if she didn't. She says it's hard not talking to someone who's been her friend since high school who's going through rough times such as a divorce, but she still insists that she cuts off contact with him just for me and hopes that I would do the same if she felt that uncomfortable about another girl. I just want to know what some third party thoughts are on this situation? Should I trust it? I don't mind her having guy friends at all, but this guy hasn't rubbed me the right way. She's told me he's a loser that bailed on college and a "dog" and that he's still caught in the days of high school when he thought he could sweep any girl off his feet. FWIW, she tells me he's not as important to her as he used to be and realizes she likes me because I'm going into medical school in the next year and I treat her with respect and love.

[Nickyg]

P.s She tells me she only had sex with this guy in the past to alleviate the pain of her douchey ex boyfriend that treated her like absolute garbage. She seems very open with me and has asked me to just trust her because that's all she wants. It's hard, though, knowing that this guy is making passes at her. Ya know? Given their history.

[Arabella]

What is there to be worried about? She's doing and saying ALL the right things in order to gain your trust, so until she does something shady, you should trust her.

 

-A

[Nickyg]

It's mainly distrust cause I know that early on in the relationship, she lightly flirted with him and talked with him about issues in our relationship. Since then she's grown to be more affectionate and more caring. It's just that when I originally asked her if she talked to him, she completely ignored that question. ANd then when I called her, she seemed offended that I thought she did talk to him and told me she didn't answer his call and felt like I wasn't appreciating that she completely cuts contact just for me. Another rather weird thing is she doesn't delete his texts or anything despite ignoring him. It's just a mix signal but I could be wrong. Maybe he's that irrelevant that she didn't feel the need to go into details? or she wanted to see if I actually trusted her? Idk, I might just be paranoid from an all-nighter i'm pulling for an exam lol

[Arabella]

It's mainly distrust cause I know that early on in the relationship, she lightly flirted with him and talked with him about issues in our relationship. Since then she's grown to be more affectionate and more caring. It's just that when I originally asked her if she talked to him, she completely ignored that question. ANd then when I called her, she seemed offended that I thought she did talk to him and told me she didn't answer his call and felt like I wasn't appreciating that she completely cuts contact just for me. Another rather weird thing is she doesn't delete his texts or anything despite ignoring him. It's just a mix signal but I could be wrong. Maybe he's that irrelevant that she didn't feel the need to go into details? or she wanted to see if I actually trusted her? Idk, I might just be paranoid from an all-nighter i'm pulling for an exam lol

 

I think you're looking into it too much.

 

Honestly, I think she just doesn't really care about him that much. That's why she doesn't delete the texts. People around here would generally tell you that her deleting the texts IS a red flag.

 

Remember, those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing!

 

She's trying to be open and honest, and you're still mistrusting her. I would be a little annoyed too, honestly.

[AlphaC]

hey man, very simple, have her change her number, i had my girl do that. This fwb knows her better than you, she wouldn't be telling you about him if it wasn't on her mind, think about it. One day you and her will get into a fight and she will answer his text and you know what will happen next. Tell her to change her number, if she gives you some BS then next her, word!!

[PegNosePete]

^ That's horrible advice. I agree with Arabella, you are mistrusting her for no reason here. If I were her, and you asked me to change my number, I would tell you where to get off.

[AlphaC]

^ That's horrible advice. I agree with Arabella, you are mistrusting her for no reason here. If I were her, and you asked me to change my number, I would tell you where to get off.

 

You are kidding right, his GF knows the guy is after sex, she is telling the OP that the FWB is lonely and is going through a divorce, obviously this girl still has feelings for him, OP, don't be fooled my man, a woman that is into you would have either blocked all her ex's out of her life, facebook, telephone, etc, etc. just keeping it real

[Nickyg]

You are kidding right, his GF knows the guy is after sex, she is telling the OP that the FWB is lonely and is going through a divorce, obviously this girl still has feelings for him, OP, don't be fooled my man, a woman that is into you would have either blocked all her ex's out of her life, facebook, telephone, etc, etc. just keeping it real

 

You see, that's what she's trying to say she's doing. At first they communicated, but as time went on, she left him high and dry, at least from what I can tell. She and I have had arguments in the past and she hasn't contacted him while **** was going down. She's very family oriented and asks them for advice. I feel like everyone else is right, I just gotta give her credit. She's told me she has no desire todo anything with him and is actually annoyed with his antics. She doesn't have fb, tells me it's pointless drama, a distraction, and a medium through which people can gain acceptance over the internet. That alone is a green flagleading me to believe she's not an attention whore. She feels bad for him because he helped her in relationship troubles, but she avoids his. She realizes his happiness isn't reliant on her. I guess y'all are right, I just gotta give her a chance.

[Nickyg]

And yes, she's aware he just wants sex. She's also aware that sex is the motive for most guys in general. She said she wouldn't be able to have any guy friends if they didn't want sex from her at some point. She's been in 3-5 year long relationships so I see her having some conviction. She's asked me to trust her to handle it properly, meaning she wants to prove to me she can.

[Chi townD]

Well, you need to work the issues. As I read it, she been COMPLETELY open and honest with you. She is an open book with you. Therefore, I don't think you have any reason not to trust her.

 

Talk to her about getting her phone number changed.

[Arabella]

Changing her phone number is a HUGE inconvenience if she's had it for a number of years. Asking her to do this will make her feel like he doesn't trust her, and she has done nothing to deserve that.

 

OP, you're on the right track after your last post. Leave it well enough alone or you might very well end up pushing her away with your mistrust.

 

-A

[Darren Steez]

You are kidding right, his GF knows the guy is after sex, she is telling the OP that the FWB is lonely and is going through a divorce, obviously this girl still has feelings for him, OP, don't be fooled my man, a woman that is into you would have either blocked all her ex's out of her life, facebook, telephone, etc, etc. just keeping it real

 

ermm no. A very simplistic way to look at it, and as with life everything is not black and white but can have various shades of grey. She might actually feel bad because of what he is going through (on some level) but she knows he's trying to bang her and she tells her guy when he calls or texts. But what is more important is that there is dialogue and the conversation is open and honest.

 

OP, you read up and down the infidelity forums you'll see wives/girlfriends texting in secret or making calls without telling their partners and most of all lying or leaving out stuff by omission.

Your girl talks to you and tells you when this guy calls her and for the most part has cut off communication with him.

You feel that strongly maybe you need to have a talk with the guy..I don't mean beat him up but just not to step onto your "territory" maybe he'll get the hint then

[Nickyg]

I understand. The thing that bothers me most about this guy is that early on, she was talking to him telling him she doesn't know if I'm right saying she just didn't want to hurt me. He asked why she's with me, she said "idk, I made the mistake of taking him back after breaking up with him," which she did and said she just didn't want to be hurt. But that was over 5 months ago, so idk if things change like that, but that's what rubs me the wrong way.

[twosadthings]

Was she sleeping with him when he was married?

 

Twosadthings

[lilpandabear8675309]

I think as long as she is remaining open and honest with you then you have nothing to worry about. If she was hiding something she would hide it.

 

As far as changing her number goes, that would be a good idea but SHE WILL HAVE TO COME TO THAT REALIZATION ON HER OWN. What his is doing is boring on harassment if she has asked him to leave her be. Changing her number will stop that a bit - but he still knows where she lives. I agree that if you suggest that she change her number this would just show that you are insecure about the relationship. I personally think if she stays open with you and continues to ignore him time will sort things out and he eventually will get the message through his thick skull. If he doesn't and she is feeling equally or more bothered by his advances, then she may have a valid case for harassment and can get an order of protection if it escalates to a point where she cannot function (doesn't sound like that but just saying as that happened to me).

 

Good luck!

[Nickyg]

Was she sleeping with him when he was married?

 

Twosadthings

 

Yes, that's another thing that concerns me. But she claims she slept with him while he was arrived because she knew he would be no strings attached sex. She knew he wouldn't eventually have feelings. Plus, he was married for 2 years before his divorce. She had been seeing him before the couple even got together and before they got engaged back in high school. He cheated on his wife many times with several different girls and my gf recognizes that.

[Nickyg]

Another rather random thing is this movie date idea that fell through. She said her friend invited us to go on a double date to see a movie. She said that she didn't know if she was ready for me to meet one of her friends that she used to talk to like that. She eventually told me that her friend and this guy are on a break so she's seeing the movie with just her. Afterwards, she told me that the guy showed up to her friends house and they were okay. So this whole group went together plus more people. She ended up coming over later that night anyway but I didn't know if that's a bad thing too. Lmao

[Darren Steez]

Dude your beef is with the dude not your girl. If it's really bothering you that much, man up and talk to him.

 

I'd invite him out somewhere just the two of you and hang out, unless I was some kind of sociopath the last thing I'd want to do is hang out with the boyfriend of the woman I'm trying to bang.

 

Deal with him or else trust your girl.

Edited December 7, 2013 by Darren Steez

[AlphaC]

Dude your beef is with the dude not your girl. If it's really bothering you that much, man up and talk to him.

 

I'd invite him out somewhere just the two of you and hang out, unless I was some kind of sociopath the last thing I'd want to do is hang out with the boyfriend of the woman I'm trying to bang.

 

Deal with him or else trust your girl.

 

Uhm - NO- Let me get this straight, this FWB is disrespecting you, trying to hook up with your girl who he's had his way with for while, she knows this cat is a player, he doesn't respect the women he dates, the men who date the women he sleeps with, and according to Darren Steez you should meet this guy and share some cold drinks? Did I get that right Mr. Steez?

 

That's makes NO sense, OP, you should do NO such thing, you already know where this girl of your's is heading, in a couple of weeks you will be posting in the "break up " section - FACT. Besides, what are you going to say to this FWB, tell him to wear condoms?? Come on man, you need to Man UP, tell your girl you don't want her talking to this cat, he wants her pie, that's all he is after and he is disrespecting you and your girl is allowing it, she is justifying his behavior, using her female emotions to get you to believe her. Look bro, if that cat is lonely and going through a divorce he can call his friends (maybe he has none , but that's further proof that this guy is no good, and if your girl hooked up with him, you just figured something else about your girl). If this cat is lonely or depressed tell him to go and get counseling, is your gf a counselor???

 

This is really dumb, my man you are getting played and all these females on here are steering you wrong. You get an idea where this is heading don't you? Let me ask you a question, ... if the rule you followed lead you to this, what use was the rule???

Edited December 7, 2013 by AlphaC

[Darren Steez]

Uhm - NO- Let me get this straight, this FWB is disrespecting you, trying to hook up with your girl who he's had his way with for while, she knows this cat is a player, he doesn't respect the women he dates, the men who date the women he sleeps with, and according to Darren Steez you should meet this guy and share some cold drinks? Did I get that right Mr. Steez?

 

That's makes NO sense, OP, you should do NO such thing, you already know where this girl of your's is heading, in a couple of weeks you will be posting in the "break up " section - FACT. Besides, what are you going to say to this FWB, tell him to wear condoms?? Come on man, you need to Man UP, tell your girl you don't want her talking to this cat, he wants her pie, that's all he is after and he is disrespecting both you and your girl is allowing it, she is justifying his behavior, using her female emotions to get you to believe her. Look bro, if that cat is lonely and going through a divorce he can call his friends (maybe he has none , but that's further proof that this guy is no good, and if your girl hooked up with him, you just figured something else about your girl). If this cat is lonely or depressed tell him to go and get counseling, is your gf a counselor???

 

This is really dumb, my man you are getting played and all these females on here are steering you wrong. You get an idea where this is heading don't you? Let me ask you a question, ... if the rule you followed lead you to this, what use was the rule???

 

Cold drinks? Don't be silly, I was thinking they could catch a play together.

 

Look, the point is which ever way you look at it, the FWB is not threatened enough by OP to stop what he's doing. You can substitute threatened with respect or normal consideration when a woman has a man.

The point of the meeting up is not for it to be a jolly where everyone has a laugh, I doubt the FWB if asked would even go out with OP but it's the message implied. It says "You trying to bang my girl, let's meet up man to man and see what's up"

 

The meeting in itself was only a suggestion, any type of communication be it a phone call or whatever will suffice. The whole point is to blow whatever this dude is doing out the water. Let's be straight, for most men if a dude is continually trying to hit on his girl then that guy is in a whole world of trouble physically. And seeing the lady is being open and honest, and OP is a non confrontational type, this suggestion seemed best.

 

But thank you for trying to point out the errors of my ways. Duly noted.

[crederer]

Well....she knows he only wants sex. It'd be inappropriate for them to meet under any circumstances at this point. I mean, when you have a FWB situation, you kind of lose that entire relationship once you get into a real relationship, IMO. Especially when one partner clearly still wants the sex.

 

I think she needs to tell him in no uncertain terms, "hey bud, I can't keep talking to you. This whole scenario is making me uncomfortable. I wish you the best. Please respect that I don't want to continue these interactions".

 

I think that's a fair and respectable way to handle it.

[AlphaC]

Cold drinks? Don't be silly, I was thinking they could catch a play together.

 

Look, the point is which ever way you look at it, the FWB is not threatened enough by OP to stop what he's doing. You can substitute threatened with respect or normal consideration when a woman has a man.

The point of the meeting up is not for it to be a jolly where everyone has a laugh, I doubt the FWB if asked would even go out with OP but it's the message implied. It says "You trying to bang my girl, let's meet up man to man and see what's up"

 

The meeting in itself was only a suggestion, any type of communication be it a phone call or whatever will suffice. The whole point is to blow whatever this dude is doing out the water. Let's be straight, for most men if a dude is continually trying to hit on his girl then that guy is in a whole world of trouble physically. And seeing the lady is being open and honest, and OP is a non confrontational type, this suggestion seemed best.

 

But thank you for trying to point out the errors of my ways. Duly noted.

 

Alright brother, one thing is clear, the FWB wants one thing. The OP doesn't need to get in trouble for his GF, it's her responsibility as his woman to tell this FWB to get lost, do whatever he needs to do and not contact her. All these red flags about this FWB cheating on his wife, etc and the OP's girlfriend continues to communicate with him. This guy will continue to contact the OP's gf because SHE IS ALLOWING IT. Steez have you ever had an old girl try to hit you up when you moved on, how will you handle that brother? I'm sure you would do what I would do, I would let her know that I have a woman (she can take a number and wait until i'm single if she likes) and if she tries to contact me again I would block her number. That's what a person who cares does. The OP's GF is giving him excuse after excuse, now that cat is showing up at her friend's house... I would have kicked this girl to the curb a long time ago. I reckon the FWB got dumped by his wife, he is running out of options except for the OP's gf who will always be available to him - seems pretty clear to me.

[crederer]

I agree with Alpha. You can't go around punching all your problems away.

 

It's on his girl to get this guy off her back. She is allowing it to happen. Not saying she's allowing it to happen for bad reasons on her end. I'm sure she doesn't want to rock the boat and be mean towards someone she's known a while.

 

But sometimes that's what you gotta do.

[Darren Steez]

Alright brother, one thing is clear, the FWB wants one thing. The OP doesn't need to get in trouble for his GF, it's her responsibility as his woman to tell this FWB to get lost, do whatever he needs to do and not contact her. All these red flags about this FWB cheating on his wife, etc and the OP's girlfriend continues to communicate with him. This guy will continue to contact the OP's gf because SHE IS ALLOWING IT. Steez have you ever had an old girl try to hit you up when you moved on, how will you handle that brother? I'm sure you would do what I would do, I would let her know that I have a woman (she can take a number and wait until i'm single if she likes) and if she tries to contact me again I would block her number. That's what a person who cares does. The OP's GF is giving him excuse after excuse, now that cat is showing up at her friend's house... I would have kicked this girl to the curb a long time ago. I reckon the FWB got dumped by his wife, he is running out of options except for the OP's gf who will always be available to him - seems pretty clear to me.

 

Point is this is an advice forum, everyone has an opinion and will give specific advice. The dude is clearly not going to break up with his girl and right now he's just spinning his wheels letting this stuff get to him. Obviously the lady is maintaining contact, best course of action is to tell her to stop it and she's not doing it, and clearly the OP can't/won't do anything about it.

 

What you and I would do has no bearing. We can tell him to man up, grow some balls but it's all writing. Two are taking part in this game. He's talked to one, now he should go talk to the other.