I'm a grown-up, but they don't know it

[Frkn]

Hello for all!

 

I'm 28 years-old and have recently moved out of my parents' house. I'm aware that it may sound like I've been there too long, and perhaps it's true. Nevertheless, it's usual for people here (I live in Brazil) to live with their parents until the age of 25 or 26, due to our culture (usually, we're extremely close to our relatives).

 

Anyway, I have a job now. I live in other town and visit my parents twice a month (and spend the weekend with them).

 

Unfortunately, I fell split in two pieces. One of them is, let's say, my "real" self: I like to hear to loud music, stay awake late in the night, drink socially, have some weird friends... To sum up, a regular life for many people, as far as I know.

 

On the other hand, when I go back to my parents's house, I have to forget about that "real" me. I can't do all those things, because they don't accept it. They really think that I am and will always be their little child. And, when I'm with them, I am that child, in a certain way.

 

I don't know how is the best way to face this situation. I'm pretty confortable with the life I have now. And I want to make clear that I'm not looking for their validation. On the other side, it would be great if they could understand that there's nothing wrong about the things I do.

 

Until now, when I'm at their house, I do whatever I need to avoid showing them that I have changed, because I'm sure they would be hurt if they noticed the changes that have come to my life.

 

I would be happy if some of you could lend me a few insights. Is it normal to feel that way? Should I worry? Should I keep things like they are? Is it convenient to talk to them? Or would it be better to just let them see that I have changed? And, after all, should I do it even when there's the risk that they get hurt?

 

Forgive any mistakes: my English is not that good. I will answer any questions.

 

And thanks in advance

Edited December 5, 2013 by Fireknight

[d0nnivain]

Under their roof, it's their rules: no loud music no questionable friends in their house. I think you can still listen to music just not at the loudest setting. Having a drink or two shouldn't be a huge issue; you are an adult.

 

 

As long as you aren't disrespectful about it as you implement changes, they should be able to see that you are an independent adult.

 

 

If it really annoys you that much & you feel that restricted even when you visit them, go home to sleep at your house.

[Survivor12]

As the parent of a 30 year old son, I can only give you my perspective....

 

If you are proud of who you are and the way you are living your life, you have nothing to hide. On the other hand, you are an adult and are not obligated to share with your parents every detail of what you do...and THEY are not obligated to agree with your choices. Parent/adult child relationships thrive on mutual respect.

 

When you visit your parents, observe their house rules. Remember, you are a guest now in their home so behave in a manner that shows you respect them.

 

There's nothing wrong with "filtering" what you choose to share. If you know that your parents are staunchly against pre-marital sex, for example, and you don't hold the same opinion, there's no reason to divulge what you do in your personal life. If, however, you are doing things that you are concerned about them knowing because YOU feel ashamed, perhaps you should reconsider your choices.

 

Part of becoming an independent adult is making--and learning from--mistakes, and part of being a parent is learning to let go enough to let their children learn from personal experience...(which isn't easy .

[Salvatore85]

Hey man, I'm 28 also and recently moved back home after a messy break up so needless to say it's been a bit of an adjustment. My parents still try to treat me like a little kid and while it drives me crazy it also makes me laugh. I mean don't get me wrong, I don't have rules and I come and go as I please but talking to me like a little kid makes me insane. The way I've chose to look at it is like this, in a few months when my lease is up with my ex I'll be back out on my own and my parents will again have an empty nest. They're great parents and they enjoy me being home so I do my best to not get angry about anything and just really enjoy the time I have with them. You don't have them forever man...

[pink_sugar]

I agree. What is it do you think you need to hide from your parents? We all act different around our parents vs. friends and others to some degree. Just be your normal, but respectful self to your parents while you're with them. You're an adult and they don't need to know every little thing you do. Every other weekend is actually a lot to spend with your parents. Why not just spend the day with them and drive home?

[Frkn]

Thanks for all the answers. They were helpful and now I have some ideas I can work with.

 

d0nnivain, you made a really good point: I have to be respectful. If I want to be considered an adult, I must act like one. Anyway, I admit that I have a issue when it comes to any kind of conflict. If I have a drink or two, they will ask if I have been drinking or something like that. And it scares me. This behavior happens everytime, not only with my parents. I avoid conflict. Maybe I should learn something from it and try to improve myself.

 

Survivor12: I am proud of who I am and I don't feel ashamed of anything I do. Yes, there are things such as pre-marital sex and, three or four times a year, some binge drinking. It does not ashame me. However, my parents think that those things are wrong, period. They were raised this way. So, I totally agree with you: I must filter what I am going to share. I don't think it's wrong, but, in some level, it makes me feel guilty. I mean: a part of me thinks that I shouldn't hide anything from the ones that did their best to raise me. I know it makes no sense. I think it's something related to rationalization vs emotion. Probably something I have to figure out.

 

Salvatore85 and pink_sugar: you gave different thoughts on the subject, but I think they are quite related. My parents are not very young and they won't be here forever. That's why I want to spend time with them as much as I can. I also help with the house, by gardening, fixing doors, windows, and stuff - in other words, things that they have a hard time doing because of their age. What's more, I like the town and it's an opportunity to see my siblings, who live near-by. So I'm pretty confortable about spending a few weekends with them. I don't intend to change it. I just want to feel confortable.

 

To sum up, I think that the main point is: I can show the changes that have come into my life, but I don't have to do it. Perhaps it may be shown gradually. And, anyway it goes, it is something that must be done in a respectful way.

 

The new doubt is: how can I know what I should filter and share? What are the boundaries of sharing in a healthy parents x son relationship? Maybe I lack some wisdom. Any ideas? What do you share with your parents?

[pink_sugar]

Thanks for all the answers. They were helpful and now I have some ideas I can work with.

 

d0nnivain, you made a really good point: I have to be respectful. If I want to be considered an adult, I must act like one. Anyway, I admit that I have a issue when it comes to any kind of conflict. If I have a drink or two, they will ask if I have been drinking or something like that. And it scares me. This behavior happens everytime, not only with my parents. I avoid conflict. Maybe I should learn something from it and try to improve myself.

 

Survivor12: I am proud of who I am and I don't feel ashamed of anything I do. Yes, there are things such as pre-marital sex and, three or four times a year, some binge drinking. It does not ashame me. However, my parents think that those things are wrong, period. They were raised this way. So, I totally agree with you: I must filter what I am going to share. I don't think it's wrong, but, in some level, it makes me feel guilty. I mean: a part of me thinks that I shouldn't hide anything from the ones that did their best to raise me. I know it makes no sense. I think it's something related to rationalization vs emotion. Probably something I have to figure out.

 

Salvatore85 and pink_sugar: you gave different thoughts on the subject, but I think they are quite related. My parents are not very young and they won't be here forever. That's why I want to spend time with them as much as I can. I also help with the house, by gardening, fixing doors, windows, and stuff - in other words, things that they have a hard time doing because of their age. What's more, I like the town and it's an opportunity to see my siblings, who live near-by. So I'm pretty confortable about spending a few weekends with them. I don't intend to change it. I just want to feel confortable.

 

To sum up, I think that the main point is: I can show the changes that have come into my life, but I don't have to do it. Perhaps it may be shown gradually. And, anyway it goes, it is something that must be done in a respectful way.

 

The new doubt is: how can I know what I should filter and share? What are the boundaries of sharing in a healthy parents x son relationship? Maybe I lack some wisdom. Any ideas? What do you share with your parents?

 

It really depends on the nature of the relationship. My parents are pretty obnoxious and we've joked about sex and positions etc. This is not the norm for most people. Basically, you only have to share what you're comfortable sharing with them. They don't need to know everything you do. If your parents are conservative, just choose neutral subjects to talk about, such as job, school, general day-to-day and things of that sort. My parents don't know everything I do and generally I don't have much to say because I am not up to much other than work and usual day-to-day stuff.

[pteromom]

The new doubt is: how can I know what I should filter and share? What are the boundaries of sharing in a healthy parents x son relationship? Maybe I lack some wisdom. Any ideas?

 

You should be willing to share core parts of who you are with your parents (and accept that they may not like it - it shouldn't be about making them understand. They are entitled to their beliefs.)

 

But drinking? Listening to loud music? Those aren't who you are - they are simply activities you enjoy. If your parents don't like those activities, respect them enough to not do those things around them. You don't have to talk about drinking and loud music with your parents. Talk about other things!

 

And if you feel that these things *are* a core part of who you are as a person, you need to spend some time evaluating yourself and figuring out who you want to be. Because while those things are fun, they are pretty shallow pursuits and don't give much meaning to one's life.

 

You should be able to be the "real" you with your parents. You help them with their house and yard - that is part of the "real" you too, right? The guy who helps out his parents and is a good son? You can be those things without being a child.

[pteromom]

(And by the way, I think your helping your parents with their home is much more being a "grown up" than the drinking/partying. The partying is just a phase you are going through on the way to who you will ultimately be. Trust me.

[John316C]

i understand your dilema and most ppl share them. however in our supposedly enlightened age we seem to think we know everything. ppl are just ppl.

our society has forgotten the knowledge that was passed down from generations since we lived in caves or tents.

 

the passage to manhood has changed much and been perverted by society through the ages.

 

it is said that boys must be cleaved from their mothers and thrown into the "wild" to return a man.

 

our modern interpretation is throwing children out of the house.

 

you dont have to do this and the passage the manhood varies with cultures.

 

you and not your parents and they are not you. we live in a fantasy society where we grow up beleiving in true love and where ppl are supposed to understand us etc. thats just fiction and not reality.

 

you and your parents are SEPERATE. you must cut your mind away from their thinking and find out yourself what a man is to you. as long as you remain close it will be harder to grow because they will impose their beleifs onto your stunting your growth.

 

its estimated 80% of families in the USA are dysfunctional in some way. and these dysfunctions compound by the generations.

 

your parents may beleive for instance that dancing with girls in short skirts with glitz and high heels is bad. as long as you remain with them you will feel bad... unless you cut your mind away from them for a period of time and develop yourself free from their influence.

 

like the old days after the boy has returned from the wild (if he survived) they would call him a man, but you must call yourself a man now - you must crown yourself. your parents cant do that u have to do it because they dont know about you the way you know about yourself.

[Trapito]

When I moved from my parents house, I still went back every weekend because I had a job in a city near my folks place. They still treated me as a child: asking where I went, at what time I got home, how many drinks I had, etc.

 

When I quit my job, I didn't went to their place for half a year. We still spoke on the phone once in a while.

 

Now I go to my folks a couple a times a year. I respect them, they respect me.

 

If you want to listen to load music, just put on some headphones.

[Lauriebell82]

It's against my husband's parent's religion to drink alcohol. So whenever we go to their house or they come to our's (we hide the alcohol) there is never mention of drinking. It's like a taboo subject. I gather they assume we probably do drink, as they saw us both drink champagne at our wedding. We just never talk about it or acknowledge it. I feel kind of silly sometimes, and that we are acting like teenagers, however it's important to my husband and I also want to respect their religion and values also.

 

 

My point is that you can do your drinking/partying/listening to loud music on your own time. You don't need to flaunt your new life in their face. They are probably already having a difficult time letting go after 28 years. You don't need to add insult to injury.