feeling very stupid right now

[smile]

So wow. Tonight was not the best night of my life. In fact it was quite weird. why did i go? I dont belong there anymore.

 

I went to a show my exbfs band played. And if you have been reading my posts you would know that we are in a weird situation right now. I have no idea whats going on.

 

Tonight he hung out with me a lot. Called me on my phone when we were in the same place... just to be silly. I totally hung out with other ppl because he used to complain that at shows I was too clingy. But sometimes it seemed like I was ditching him.. that was bad.

 

Then I met her. Man she is beautiful.. his exgf. She is tall and blonde and everything I am not. He gave her the cold shoulder... didnt talk to her. She came to see him and he just said hey and ignored her. He seemed bummed after that and so I helped him carry stuff out and asked if he was ok. He said yeh he did what he had to do you know? But he was like I shoudnt talk to you about it.. its werid. Because well you know.

 

So I was convinced to go to an after party. All of his friends were there. They were happy to see me and we hung out.. we had fun. But he was weird. And when midnight came he gave me a hug. Later inside we were with two of our friends and he hugged both of them (girls) the same way he hugged me. Then he said.. did I say happy new years to you? And I said yes I was there and he said let me say it again and he hugged me and kissed me on the head.

 

He can sleep with me and I can read him a bedtime story but he cant kiss me in front of everyone? Then he was being weird and asked if my friend would go home with him. So he didnt have to go alone.. long drive, foggy, and cops everywhere. He is very good friends with her bf. Nothing going on there. She said yes on the spot but didnt really want to go. He was busy being silly and I was going and she said.. can I just go with you?

 

So she came.. we didnt tell him because he was doing his own thing ya know? He called me three times and then called her. He said it was lame that I did that. He was mad.

 

I called him back and apologized. He said it was rude and he had to go. He didnt want to talk about it. Then I called back again and said I didnt want to start off the year mad and he said... then dont be rude. He still didnt want to talk about it. He had to go again. So I got home and he was on the comp. I said happy new year and I am glad you got home ok. He said yeh. and i didnt asnwer for a while i was talking to a friend... and he said.. ok. goodnight. so i said goodnight and he signed off.

 

It was fun but weird. Yesterday I felt so great and like we were getting somewhere.. today I feel such a setback. Like I should just walk away. But a part of me feels like I should stay. And an other thinks he should be with her. She is so beautiful.

 

I guess I just feel dumb. It was so akward everyone there was so nice to me.. his friends and stuff.. I just dont even know.

[nan]

Hey,

 

It seems like we are the only two on here, so I'll tell you what I think. I think that you should probably give him some space. It seems like all the things you write, he'll ask you to do something, and you do. Sometimes you should try to be busy. Not everytime, but sometimes.

 

Last time I hung out with my ex (which was last week) it was weird, and he called me on Christmas day and it was weird, so instead of feeling bad that he's treating me weird right now, I just don't talk to him. Maybe you should try not to talk to him for a little while. Leave him guessing why you haven't talked.

 

My ex called me this week, and I didn't call back. I feel like I'm not ready to be treated weirdly, so I don't talk. I know that he wants to talk, and I know how he feels about me, but it's just letting him know that he needs to treat me one way consistantly. Don't let him decide how to treat you, you decide how he should treat you, and if that's not the way he's treating you, then don't talk for a little while.

 

Let some things be on your terms.

 

Nan

[_Saffy_]

yeah, im still agreeing with the give him more space thing.......be less available.

 

also can i just say that it doesnt matter what his ex looks like......hes contacting and hanging with you, and didnt seem to give her much attention last night at all.

 

give him space today, he will be back later, guaranteed.

[smile]

Yes I guess the space thing is all I can do. He seems to go away for a day or two, emotionally, and then come on even stronger. I dont know.. I guess I worry that he is going to find someone else while he is without me. But I guess thats a chance you take with any new relationship right?

 

So, I seem to be getting a lot of reassuring posts on here. Not too many of you seem to think he is just using me or doing this out of habit. Sometimes I wonder.. because last night felt like a total time warp.

 

It just felt like I was his gf again.. seeing those same ppl I havent seen since we were together. The greatest part was I thought so many of them were my friend because I was his gf... but last night I had so many hugs and people happy to see me. Sometimes I would get a hug and then that persons eyes would dart back at him like.. she is here? But not in a jerky way...

 

It seems like everyone around can see or thinks he wants to be with me. Even a friend we have who used to hate him and told me I was better off without him saw it. After his ex came around I was feeling dumb for being there and she said to me "you have no reason to feel dumb. you are here because he wants you here. I saw him hang out with you.. he is happy to see you."

 

But after being so dumb yesterday...with the car thing, I just feel like a jerk. I wanted her to go home with me she is my friend and we needed to talk. I took his friend for goodness sake and offered an other a ride home. I hung out with everyone and was part of the party.. and I had fun.. he used to get mad that I just sat around at parties.. this time he was sitting around, being kind of a party pooper.

 

I dunno it seems ridiculous that he got so mad. Like I did everything he wanted and maybe it wasnt what he wanted. Maybe he wasnt too happy seeing me have so much fun without clinging to him. I think he secretly used to like it. Sometimes I think he just fishes for a reason to be mad at me ... I dont know

 

But yeh space.. definitely. Thank you.

[smile]

Oh yeh an other weird thing is.. he was hemming and hawing about going home.. but he was like "but I have to go home alone. I am here and tired but if I go home I will be all alone" so after his being weird about the midnight kiss thing and weird in general I said "so just hang out" and he is like "nah I dont know"

 

So I walked away and mingled for a bit. I found him a half an hour later just sitting somewhere. He asked if I was going and I said nah not yet in a bit tho. So then he started telling everyone he was going to go in a bit. Said his goodbyes or whatever. I found some ppl to talk to so it was an other 20 minutes before I left. People kept asking why he was still there he said he was gonna go in a bit.

 

I finally got ready to go and said goodbye and he said, "yeh I am going to go too",started saying his goodbyes again. I took my friend with me while he was busy being silly... one last hurrah before he goes.. he always did that. Leave em laughing ya know?

 

So when he called it seemed he left about 10 minutes after me. Why did he leave the same time as me? It seemed like he wanted to go when I went.. but he was hardly hanging out with me.... and why make a big deal about being alone if he was going to go home anyway. You think if I hadnt made him mad something would have happened? I dont know...

[smile]

Ok ok. So I am hearing (reading) two very different things here. One bunch of you guys(actually I think these are the girls) is saying stay away for a while give him space and the other (seem to be male) is sayng if he is calling then call back.

 

I had not called him myself much in the last month. Generally he has initiated the conversations. He didnt call Tuesday or Wednesday and when he called on Thursday I waited an hour to call him back. When I did he asked if we were still friends. He does tend to call about 5 to 6 times when he does call.

 

Also when , if ever, do I approach the question of what is this? I mean I can think all I want that this is a second chance but what if its just killing time? I know you guys think I am overreacting but its kinda what happened when he got home. Granted he is in a better place in his head right now.. but for all I know he could be thinking I am ok with this being friends and stuff.....

 

If I am busy will it push his hand? If I pursue too much will it push his hand? And in both cases is it gonna push him away or push him to wanna commit?

[_Saffy_]

smile, how can he possibly have time to know what he wants.......when he calls you answer, when he wants to come round you let him, when he wants sex you give it, when he just wants to be with you then you let him.

 

i dont know him so i dont know whats going on in his head, but it seems to me that he has all that he wants/needs already.

 

he has the greatness of having you, with none of the commitment/relationship stuff that goes with it.

 

while he can come and go as he pleases, you are battling with yourself all the time, does he want me? doesnt he want me?

 

 

 

why would he want to talk relationships/getting back/feelings when he already has in his hands everything a guy could possibly want without having to say a word?

[Guest]

Did he want your friend to go home with him because he's attracted to her?

[smile]

Saffy I know I know. I mean I feel all of that and I guess thats why all the "he will come around" , "things are going great", "dont push it" posts are making me worry. Because deep down inside I guess I am afraid that I am not even a thought... just a consolation prize.

 

Sometimes it feels akward. Like he gets close and pulls away. I have no idea why. Its like he is trying to fight his impulse to be in love with me. We have so much fun together and then he goes away. Isnt that time to think about it? I know it gives me time.

 

He said something odd about saying "I will talk to you tomorrow... um later" ok so we had an issue of being together too much when we were together. It seems like he is making sure to call every other day or no more than four days a week. But the days he does call he overdoes it like mad.

 

Why call and pursue if he doesnt know what he wants? Isnt this how a relationship starts? After being with me and knowing whats comming doesnt he already know if he wants it? BAH. I am so glad I go back to work tomorrow. This vacation has worn me out.

 

I have taken to parking in the parking lot because he lives a couple of blocks away and can (and does) drive by to see if my car is here... also that discourages the 1am knocks on my window to sleep with me (altho I love those knocks.. it just seems in this in between time that should lay off a bit yeah? )

 

I am not talking to him or calling or txting or even getting on aol.... but neither is he. Its just that my family and friends are so judgemental and I have no desire to get eye rolling or anything from them.. so this has been my secret. I have here and you guys to talk to about it.. so I am sorry if I seem needy..

 

Why did he call me when he was with that gorgeous blonde if he didnt know what he wanted? He pursued quite a bit after the two months of NC .... wasnt that time to decide what he wanted? Or is it he wants me just doesnt have any reason to work or try at all? But why is he a different person now than when we were together? Is he even thinking about how I am feeling? Or is he thinking it feels good to him so it must feel good for me too? Or is he just happy in the moment?

 

How often or long should I give him? How many times can you say no to an invite before you stop getting invited? I dont want to ruin this.. but I dont want to be stuck here in limbo either. Help.

[smile]

Did he want the friend to go home with him because he was attracted to her? Hmm thats funny you ask that because I was wondering the same thing.. heres the deal tho

 

She is dating someone he used to work with. A few months ago she was having trouble with her bf and saw my ex at a party. They sat and talked and he helped her work things out. She was so greatful she called and thanked him later. Her and her bf are now happier than ever.

 

When he told me about it he made sure I knew it was nothing. He said its nothing weird or anything but she called me and thanked me for helping her. I said thats cool because she is my bud and I know is an advocate for him and I getting back together.

 

She bought him a xmas gift in order to thank him.. she saw something at salvation army and just had to get it. So he called to tell me he got her something too. Told me what it was... I used to be jealous and after we broke up I said it waspartly because he was never forthright about things.. so it seemed he was making sure I knew what was up.

 

Well that night she came with me and he knew she was there. He hung out with us a lot.. he started hanging out with me before she got there..and then we all hung out together. When we got our new years hugs he did kiss me on the head in front of her.

 

I didnt want to act crazy or jealous but I wondered the same thing. He was mad that she didnt go with him.. but he isnt like that anyway. Never was before. I dont think he would do that to me. He has issues falling asleep when he drives and he was worried. I partly think he wanted to talk to her about me.. but who knows.

 

BTW she is 18 and he is 26. She thanked me for taking her home anyway. She said that it would have been kinda weird having him take her home. So I dont think so.

 

Oh yeh I forgot one thing. There was this guy I used to go to school with, met him about the same time I met my ex.. He had a huge crush on me and my ex knew it. So that guy was at the party. We talked and he led my hand for what seemed like forever. He said all flirty I will see ya around. He is cute and everything.. right after that he asked if someone could go home with him. I had two girls to take home and he said either. I said ok sure who.. he says I dont care and then I said me either and then he picked the friend he picked instead of the other girl. I shoulda suggested the other girl and avoided this fiasco.

[strange love]

Reading your posts are like reading a soap opera ie "smiles creek" "the days of our smiles" " The young and the smiley"

 

Sometimes too my head hurts from reading your posts.

Sometimes I feel your pain..sometimes its frustrating.. sometimes its confusing ..sometimes its right there if you just read between the lines..

 

I guess its like this. If you find him so confusing how about a time out for a week.

 

If you really want to know are you guys back together, I dunno figure out some way to tell him that like "hey you seem to really care about me these days and what would make me happy.. well it would make me really happy if I could call you my boyfriend" or.. ??

 

Maybe you should tell him that it drives you up the wall, the way things are right now. I dunno.. Sometimes I think you blow things way way way out..but I guess sometimes things seem way too suspicious

 

Honestly I dont really know what to say or suggest. I kind of sounds like my last relationship.. I would do something and she would go ask someone else about it..She would do something ..im ripping my hair out and bitching to my friends.

When really I should have been bitching to her... see where im going with this

everybody says

NC NC NC NC

But at some point. and in fact Gene simmons(KISS rocks) suggests this there has to be honesty, and look at him and shannon tweed they been..hanging together for over 20 yrs

 

so thats it thats my post

toodles

[_Saffy_]

i get frustrated here.......not with Smile......but FOR her.

 

all the signs are great, its just not enough.

 

and we all wanna slap this guy around the head and say "jeeeeeez man would you see what you got here" but we cant.

 

 

grrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!

[Universe]

Right on, Saffy!

 

Male opinion here...as I said in your other thread...Start making yourself less available. He's not sweating enough. Don't give his ex another thought. Don't think of her as competition. Don't think of her at all. Just be cool.

 

Make him a sweat a little.

[nan]

Honestly, I'm glad for you that you are going back to work. I really think you need it. Right now you have too much time to worry and stress out. You're thinking that this is the only thing right now you need to deal with. I know that it's hard right now, but you just have to think of this thing as "something happening" not "everything happening." If that makes sense.

 

It seems like you have a good thing going but I agree that you should make him work harder. There's always that ultimate question of whether or not this is your second chance, I'm going through the same thing right now. Is it or isn't it. It sounds like you are driving yourself just as much crazy as I am right now. I guess I can take my own advice by saying to just stop thinking so much and over anylzing his every move.

 

As for the whole contacting thing, I'm not really sure because I'm going through the same thing right now. When I push too hard he backs off, if I don't push enough he calls me, but maybe he would call more if I seemed more interested in talking. So I don't know what you should do. I wish someone could give me the same answer. Maybe a happy medium? Whatever that may be.

 

That's why we are here to talk to, to help and to occupy some of your time. Keep me posted!

 

Nan

[_Saffy_]

yeah right on nan.

 

 

gotta get yaself busy smiley hun, let him do a bit more work, he clearly wants to.

 

 

and i also agree with the ex thing......he dont want her, forget about it.

[smile]

Wow so I went out today to occupy myself and felt so alone.. its weird when your heart is screaming about something you cant say to anyone. With that secret keeping you miles away from everyone. I went to the movies and laughed really hard for about 3 hours. My family was great today and we just hung out.. once in a while I got sad but my nieces and nephews were great therapy.

 

Then I come home and read everyone's comments here. And I started to cry. I mean seriously you have no idea what a relaease it was to read everything. To have so many of you listen and understand. It was so wonderful and I really do appreciate it.. so thank you.

 

There are a few people I know who want to smack him around as well. But you cant force someone to see. It means a lot that you guys think I mean more to him than he cares to admit, or act like he admits. I dunno if that makes sense... but like you seem to think he is ignoring how great I am

 

I am going to be busy. Not only does work start up tomorrow but so does the studio where I teach dance classes. So I think this week may be filled with a lot of sweaty nights... working out my stress. I am also going to start running again. Thinking about starting a book club with some friends who live far away. A way for us to all stay connected. Have a weekly web meeting or updates comments whatever. Get my mind on things other than him. But I am sure he will seep in when he can....

 

If he calls this week what do I say? Do I talk to him or not answer right away? He is having a record release party/show this weekend. Its kind of a big deal and I already said I would go.. do I just stay busy until then? It would seem kinda jerky if I didnt go dontchya think?

 

Again thank you guys so much... yes strangelove sometimes it feels like a soap opera. I think the reason I am so insecure is because I am afraid of letting myself go, letting myself really believe this is more than it is... in case it isnt. Altho I am comming to realize that you cant control something like that.. sometimes your heart believes all on its own.

 

Ranier Maria Rilke said something about life being about questions. Living the questions and letting the answers come when they come. That the answers have a way of comming as long as you learn to embrace the question. Something like because when you accept the questions you are ready to hear the answer. Not even close to a quote but I like the idea.

[smile]

He called me tonight and apologized for being so mad the other night. I started to say "no its ok" and he said that he was just really tired and having a rough night. So I let him apologize and I said thank you for saying he was sorry. Whereas before I wouldve acted like it didnt bother me. But suddenly I felt it was good for the both of us for him to apologize for that. It was cool that he realized he was acting like a jerk.

 

He asked me to go out to dinner with him and some friends. Again inviting me out with friends, this time two of his best friends from high school. He has dinner with them once a year and only last year (after being together for 2 yrs) was I actually invited. I said no thanks because I was doing my laundry and I had already eaten anyway. He offered to buy my dinner, but I still declined. He said ok and asked if I wanted him to call me later. I said sure ok.

 

Then he calls from his house and says they are all watching a movie. He invites me over. I say I cant because I am still doing my laundry and I need to finish tonight. I had no clean pants for work tomorrow. He kept telling me I could do it later. Dry them when I got home. Do the laundry at his house. So I ask what movie are they going to watch and he says "The Iron Giant". Ok so you need to know that is one of my favorite movies of all time. Last valentines day he bought it for me and it kinda became like special .. I mean I thought of it that way I know he knew that.

 

But in all reality I had just gotten out of the shower, I had to finish my laundry, and I was watching the tv movie about Dynasty.... Anyway so he said ok and I said goodnight and he said goodnight.

 

It was kinda nice that he did that. Apologized and then was relentless about me going over. I didnt say no to be jerky I really was busy. Part of me wished I woulda gone but I enjoyed myself here. It feels good not to be clingy.

 

Strangelove I dont want my life to be a soap opera. That was kind of an eye opener.. reading that. I dont want all that drama.. it takes so much attention and energy. I think going back to work is gonna help tho. And you guys have helped so much. Thanks again.

[_Saffy_]

i think when strange love said it was a soap opera, its probably because we never really know whats going to happen next, not because it has a high amount of drama.......it doesnt.

 

you did great last night, am proud of ya.

 

if ever you feel like talking but dont wanna post, feel free to pm me. and about ya book club.......i have an online reading group and that may be of use to you if you wanna join.

 

anyway, great job again, and it made you feel good to take control a little bit, so thats a huge bonus.

 

 

<hugz>

[smile]

Ok so after that little unavailable thing yesterday he calls me today. His windshield wipers are broken and his break lights are out.. he has to drive out of town to band practice and its kinda rainy. So we talk about dumb stuff.. laughing and everything.. he starts making cartoon character voices to make me laugh. He calls while he is still at work.. stays on the phone with me while driving, into the store and while he applies some rain repellent to his windshield. All the while being goofy and trying to get me to laugh.

 

He had to go because he was going to drive on the freeway. He said he would call me later. Well apparently later meant after band practice because he called as soon as he was done. We talked the whole ride home. He said he was scared because it was so foggy so he called me to keep him safe while he drove.

 

So we talked again for about 30 minutes and just had fun. I was half asleep but it was nice. Then he got home. He said he had to go.. but he would call me tomorrow. Not later, not in a bit, not see ya but I will call you tomorrow... and then he said "is that ok?". I said yeh sure.

 

When we were talking he was talking about his insecurities and such.. he said something that I kinda took as sweet. He said yeh I have been feeling a lot better these past couple of weeks... just like before. I dunno it seemed he meant he was feeling better since we had been hanging out.. maybe I read too much into that.

 

But whatever anyway we talked about his brother and even his mom, which he never used to talk about so freely. He used to avoid any suggestion that he has some sort of void left when she died.. but tonight he even talked about how he doesnt have a lot of memories of her and the things he does rememeber he wants to have with him... like certain things that give him memories of her. He wants to have some connection to his past.

 

I used to say that he needed that and he would tell me he needed to just let things in the past be over. She was dead it was over and she didnt exist in objects. We used to fight over that so much.. and now he seems to feel such a strong desire for that connection. That makes me happy.

 

He has also started talking about when he has kids... he never used to say that. I would all the time.. talk about when I have my kids this and that and he would say "why populate this world with more ppl" he would just go on and on about how wanting kids was selfish.. a way to achieve a sense of imortality. Family was always so important to me. We never really fought about it.. it was just something that used to make me sad. But now he talks about it just like I used to.

 

I think he has really done some growing in the last few months. Growth that couldnt have happened when we were together. He had to have those feelings on his own.. decide what he needs and what he wants, instead of me manipulating him or it being my idea.

 

I wish he wouldve come over here to sleep. But I know its good he didnt. He called me twice tonight.. what more do I want? I dont want to be jumping the gun here and say "yaye" but then tomorrow come on and cry about how he is confusing me....but this seems like a step in the right direction... dontchya think ?

[nan]

I'm glad for you. It really sounds like things are going in the right direction. He is pursuing you, talking, you hang out often. I'm really glad you declined him once, that kinda showed him that you have your own stuff to deal with and do sometimes.

 

Gosh, I wish my ex was pursuing me this much right now. I haven't talked with him since Christmas. I have a sense that he may be spending a lot of time at his dad's house the last week. They never talked when he was growing up, and they just started to talk like in the last 6 months. For some reason when he's over there he gets amnesia and forgets what the hell a phone is or something.....anyways...sorry.

 

I guess I'm just writing to say that things are looking up for you. Just hope they keep moving forward. It always seems like when things are going this good, they throw a stick in your bike spokes so you trip and fall on your face. To keep you still at a certain distance or something.

 

Just wondering, as a side note, how long you guys have been broken up. I think a while, but I forget. For me it's been two months, and I'm just wondering if there's still hope, or if I'm hanging onto something that's not there. Thought I should ask you, since our situations are very much the same.

 

I'm glad you are on here, you probably have the closest situation to me and keeps me in check, and also lets me know that I'm not crazy. Talk to you soon. Take care.

 

Nan

[smile]

Well we have been broken up since mid july so thats about 6 months now. Man after two months he and I had made so many mistakes dealing with the breakup that we werent even talking. We didnt want to be without eachother but we didnt want to be WITH eachother either.

 

I know it sucks to read but time is a great healer. In fact it is absolutely necessary. This was such a great opportunity for me to realize how much of a life there is out there WITHOUT having/ needing a man. It was so incredible because he was my life. We were joined at the hip.

 

We might as well have been married. Seriously.. he called or came over everyday and we were together ALL the time. Shopped together , cooked together, it was insane. Now I see how that was too much. Now I see how I can have my space and my friends and he can have his.. sure we can hang out.. but I dont have to be a part of everything.. because I dont need him to be a part of everything.

 

There is showing interest and there is intrusion. We had invaded eachothers lives. And now we are knowing and supporting but not intervening. It feels healthy.

 

I surely do hope this is headed where I want it to. I hope its what he wants but I know he us going to be on tour for 2 months soon and I am not sure if, after what happened last time, he wants to put that kind of pressure on either of us. Ya know?

 

Anyway thank you so much. I do appreciate your comments. I am glad youre here too.. the situations are similar so its nice to hear your stuff and your opinion. Take care and listen to your heart.

[smile]

Oh yeh and Saffy thanks for the kinds words and the encouragement. I would be very interested in hearing about your book club thingy. If you wanna PM me and let me know about it that would be nice.

 

Everyone here is so sweet and supportive. I am truly a lucky gal.. thanks

[Universe]

I know it sucks to read but time is a great healer. In fact it is absolutely necessary. This was such a great opportunity for me to realize how much of a life there is out there WITHOUT having/ needing a man. It was so incredible because he was my life. We were joined at the hip.

 

True. So true.

[smile]

ok so last night around 9pm I was watching a movie. I was just hanging out with me when he calls. He said it sounded like I was sleeping so he should go. I said nah he had already woken me up whats up ? He is on his was home from band stuff and he wanted to call and say hi.

 

We talked for a bit and he asked if I had food at my place. I said yeh and he asked if he could eat it.. so I said yes.. so he came over. We watched tv and he ate.

 

He laid down on the couch so I sat on the chair next to him. He asked why I was so far away. I said cause he took the couch and he said no there is room here for you come on it will be fun. So we laid there and watched tv.. one thing led to an other and yeh we did it.

 

So anyway when we were done he kept saying how great it was. Like it was so amazing or whatever. Umm it seemed pretty average as far as we go.. but it was like blowing his mind.. I thought it was funny... but I just smiled and agreed.

 

Anyway enough of that.. he said he wanted to go to sleep. Before he never wanted to sleep with me if he had to work in the morning and this time we both had to.He only lives 4 blocks away... So he crawled into bed with me and we slept. He hugged me all night long. When I woke up to go to thr bathroom he just rolled over and when I came back he pulled me close to him. He touched my face, like he was trying to feel it.. then he smiled and cuddled closer and said goodnight.

 

There was so much cuddling and kissing. Like really nice slow, lost in the moment kissing. I did not want to get up to work this morning. He said his bed is always so cold and my bed is always so warm.. he likes sleeping here.. thats what he said.

 

But he also said something weird.. of course... we were talking about disneyland and how much we like to go and made silly pretend plans about going and he said "I remember when I took (most recent ex) there she was no fun at all. She was so worried about looking cool and being tough she had no fun" When we go I turn into a 5 year old..dragging him around.. we are seriously the silly adults that ride Dumbo and watch the parades.

 

It sucked that he said that. I dont want to hear that he took her there. It sorta felt like our place and now I think of THEM there.. ick.. but he said he told me that so I could understand how lame she is. So I can know how much more fun I am than she is. Why do I need to know that ? Anybody?

 

Other than that last night was great. I dont want to push anything.. I dont want to be his gf or anything yet.. we need to work on stuff..Plus he has tour for 2 months comming up and thats tough. I just want to know he isnt looking for anyone else. But seeing as how he invites me everywhere I have a feeling he isnt looking. Is that the wrong feeling?

 

I like this.. I just wish I knew he wasnt going to the next girl or gearing someone up in the wings. I guess I want to hear it but I am too afraid of the answer. I wish I could act like this was a new relationship.. I see the newness and whats great about that.. I just cant forget the feelings (good ones) we shared.. neither does he, he brings up stuff all the time.

 

Bottom line.. why did he mention her at disneyland? and umm do you think he wants just me?

[smile]

forgot to add that he left his scarf. Isn't there something about ppl leaving things because they want to come back? He took his jacket which was right next to the scarf. But oddly the scarf stayed here. Am I weird for wearing it as I sit here typing? It smells like him.