feeling very stupid right now

[Universe]

well - this is just my opinion, but...

 

why are you concerned about the disney thing? What you should be concerned about is the fact that all he has to do is call and next thing you know he's eating your food and getting a free ride on the Smile-express. Forget the Dumbo ride.

 

Now I don't think having sex with an ex who you're trying to win back is always a bad thing. In fact, I think you're in good shape. It sounds like he's all but back. But he's not back. Isn't this the third time you've had sex with him since you're trying to get him back? That's all well and good, but I think if you allow this to continue, you'll just be letting him take advantage of you.

 

When exactly is he leaving with his band? I mean - you keep mentioning it, but I've been following your story for a while and he still hasn't left yet. When is this band tour supposed to happen? Because it's starting to just sound like a BS excuse for not getting back together. Two months is nothing. (I mean - it's something, but in the grand scheme of things it's not a long time to wait for someone you love. It's not that much to sacrifice.)

 

He could just be enjoying your comfortable shag pad for the time being before he goes off for the major f*ck-fest that being a band on tour is. I'm a musician, remember. I've been on tour with my band and believe me, It can be a major f*ck-fest. I remained faithful throughout my tours. But I'm a different kind of person. I'm not saying I'm better. I'm just different. Maybe he's different too. I don't know.

 

But most girls I know wouldn't tell a guy "Yeah - you can shag me all you want now and then go on tour a single man so you can f*ck a different girl every night until your d*ck falls off. And, oh, I'll be here waiting when you get back."

 

I'm not trying to bring you down. I'm just warning you. This could be what's happening. I don't want to give you a complex. I don't even know what to tell you to do about it.

 

When is he going on tour? That's the real question. Is there realistically enough time to reconcile before-hand?

 

Don't act on what I've just said without talking to someone else. I feel llike I'm being really harsh and might just be confusing you.

 

about the disney thing. I think he was just trying to tell you that he'd rather go to disney with you than his lame-o ex. Nothing to be concerned about here. He was just saying one of the reasons he likes you better. That's all.

 

I'd worry more about whether or not to continue sleeping with him like this.

[Universe]

it's not wierd, but it's not healthy.

[smile]

Universe,

His tour is in March. I keep mentioning it because we broke up during his last tour. I just think us being back together when he is on tour would make me crazy. Altho you make a good point I hadnt thought about.. he is all but back and I may be crazier knowing he has no official ties to me while on tour.

 

I just dont want the brunt of a "lets fix everything" relationship freaking us out when he is gone. I also must mention he never said anything about not wanting to be with me because of the tour.. its what I speculate may be why he is holding back. He hasnt said anything either way.. if we could be together or not. Last night, and sometimes just randomly, he mentions plans of things we should do in the future. Refers to us as "us" quite a bit. I want him to say what he wants.. how do I get him to do that ..without him knowing I am getting him to do it?

 

You're right about the sex thing. I know. But when he sleeps here it just feels so wonderful. Each time more cuddly and lovey than the next. But yeh I know...probably not wise.

 

Altho I read in that how to get yr ex back e book that I should be ok with this non official dating for 2- 3 months before saying anything about the relationship. I guess I should be less available. Its so hard tho because I want him here.

 

The one day I did turn him down has resulted in 3 days of straight contact.... and a million random phone calls. But I know that I felt better saying no.. reminded me that I had more to do than sit around and wait for him. And showing him the same.

 

He isnt the type to cheat or sleep around on tour. That isnt what he does. He never has.. even before me.. he isnt like that. He is pretty different himself.

 

Sometimes I wonder if we broke up because of something I said. I was ok with smoking pot once in a while but I said , countless times, if he wanted to do any other kind of drug he would have to break up with me. Well he had been mentioning what a release certain drugs were to artists and stuff and I said I still thought it was wrong. He went and was offered everything under the sun. While I think he didnt do a lot because he didnt want to he was teased because he didnt do anything ..everyone said he was whipped and I made his decisions.. you know guy stuff. I think he got mad and wigged out.. maybe I changed him.. wondering if maybe he wasnt who he was. When he came home he turned into his high school self and fell into the stereotypical band guy crap that he used to make fun of. Now he is comming back around to who he is. He says that was a mistake and he hates the prentention of it all. But he has pretty low self esteem and I think it was hard for him to be himself.. he just broke down. He called me 3-4 times a day from the road.. and I never noticed it but I think he was looking for that support.. and I just kept telling him to have fun.. I think he was falling apart and, unfairly, was mad at me for not being able to fix it or save it. I dunno thats just what it seems like.. but no girls.

 

I guess first off I should get him to open up about what really happened there. Because he keeps talking about how afraid he is of being gone this long. Its so sad he is immensely talented but, like most musicians, he seems to be too fragile for this damn life. Its rough and it breaks a lot of ppl. I know that sounds dramatic but with the sex and the drugs, the loneliness and the superficial relationships you make.. it just seems so sad. Fun, but sad.

 

So what do you suggest I do? Next time he wants to come over and sleep with me? What if it doesnt start out that way but turns into it? How often is ok before it seems like he is using me? How can I tell?

 

Thanks universe...while it made me cry to read it... I appreciate the honesty.

[Universe]

geez, I never wanted to make you cry. I'm really sorry for that. I knew what I was saying was pretty hard. Things people say on here make me want to cry a lot.

I'm actually really jealous of you. You actually get to be close to him and make love. I'm alone all the time and fighting off visions of her with other guys. It's quite a fight. Today I somehow convinced myself that my ex had started sleeping with this guy long before we broke up. I was thoroughly convinced and there is only very weak evidence of the fact. Plus, it would simply contradict everything I know about her. Maybe I should start a thread about it.

 

Anyways-

 

Its so sad he is immensely talented but, like most musicians, he seems to be too fragile for this damn life.

 

my ex said almost these exact words about me. Going through this break up has hardened me and taught me just how fragile I was. But not anymore.

So I think talking to him about it would be a good idea. I don't know if talking to him about such things would be recommended by the "experts" in the books. It might scare him.

But you are equals even if he seems to have the upperhand in the "relationship" at the moment. You are equals and that means that should express your concern for him and that period of his life.

Wait - What am I saying? I just did exactly that with my ex. I broke NC and called her this past sunday to talk. I've been concerned about her since she broke down crying when we met the day after x-mas. She's having a lot of issues and really needs to change something drastic in her life. So I called her so we could meet up and talk so I could tell her what I thought she should do. It was an ok talk. She received it well. Unfortunately, I had a lot of trouble putting my thoughts into words. I can't say how she took it. And I'm not sure if I regret doing it or not. I guess I don't, but it didn't go as well as I would have liked. I'm going back to NC until she calls.

 

He's so close to you at this point. I think discussing serious issues like what you're talking about is important to address. But it may force him away from you for a little while. Maybe not. Essentially, you're bringing up the reason why you broke up in the first place. Those are dangerous waters. The books say not to dredge up negative things about the past.

But then again... Obviously you don't want to repeat the same mistakes.

 

it's a hard one to call. I'm back and forth. Now I'm thinking No. You know what? Don't talk to him about it. I sound like a schizo. But based on my own experience, as stated above, breaking up with her really changed me. It made me a lot stronger. It made me get back inside myself and realize that in the end, I'm all I've got and she can't always be there to help me through stuff (maybe never now). I suspect your ex went through something similar. You said that he sorta freaked for a few months and that now he's come back around. There's a good chance he's faced his demons and now he's ready to start over.

 

You might wait until he's asking to have you back. Then you can ask him if he's sure he's work through his issues that tore him away in the first place.

 

Just and idea. Maybe a bad one. Not sure.

 

Also - lay off on the drug thing. I mean - if he's just experimenting it's ok so long as he's not playing with the super addictive **** like heroin and cocaine. In my experience, all the psychodelic stuff and pot are ok as long as he doesn't over do it or do it all the time. Soft (musician) drugs can be really bad if they become habitual (Again, I know from experience). But an experiment here and there can be quite beneficial if he's educated himself on it before hand and understands what he's doing to his body.

 

I'm not saying he should do drugs. I'm just saying that you shouldn't think he's a bad person if he wants to. It's not a moral issue. It's just something one has to be careful of. It's part of his own individual experience as a human. You shouldn't think less of him because he curious to have that experience. But if he lets it affect the quality of his work or the quality of the relationship, then you can give him sh*t, rightly.

 

Sleeping with him:

Well - You've got about two months before he leaves. So I think it's ok as long as you don't feel like he's using you. It sounds like he's very loving when he's with you. If he makes you feel good and is doing a good job of loving you, then let him. It doesn't seem to make you feel hurt inside, so he's probably not taking advantage of you. But if it goes on for too long you'll have to deny him. Listen to your instincts on this one. When it starts to feel wrong, then it is wrong. That's when you say, "No, this doesn't feel right anymore." Then you can assure him you want to be with him, but you can't continue being friends with benefits anymore and that you need exclusive rights if sex is to continue.

 

But you don't need to pull that until your heart tells you to or until it goes on for too long. But it should happen well before he leaves. Something tells me you'll have him back by then.

 

sorry for writing another novella. I hope it helps at least a little.

Good luck with everything.

[Devildog]

Originally posted by smile

I hung out with everyone and was part of the party.. and I had fun.. he used to get mad that I just sat around at parties..

 

My personal experience and opinion here. This part right here is probably really frustrating for him. He apparently asked you to do this stuff when you were together and would have liked for that to happen. But did it? And now that you are no longer together now you decide to do something that might have made the relationship better?

 

After my wife decided she wanted to separate (so she could go out and date other men apparently) she started doing all the things I begged her to do to help our relationship. I told her how sexy I thought it was when she painted her nails, she started painting her nails on a constant basis when we separated. I asked her to let our daughter spend the night with her parents or sister so we could have some time alone and have fun as a couple. After we serarated the first couple of months Thursday and Friday nights our daughter was with her parents and sister so she could go out and party or hang out with her "friend". If she had done these things when we were together our relationship wouldn't have gotten as bad as it did. So now she takes my advice and does these things for other people? Why wasn't I good enough to do these things for?

 

Just some food for thought.

[smile]

Universe. Man where to begin? First off, dont even begin to apologize for the length of your posts... have you seen the average length of mine? I think the more details and the more specific the more personal and accurate advice once can get. Right?

 

Anyway the drug thing.. yeh I know what you mean about being too hard on him about it. I do understand, it really wasn't anything that had anything to do with me. You see my family sort of has this ridiculous high opinion of me and when I started dating a musician so seriously.. never been to college, kind of hippie and odd, they sort of felt like I could do better. Like it was a phase. And in a messed up way I was told that he wasnt good enough. And that if he did drugs he was even worse... I know that experimenting with certain psychadelics (not addction but experimneting) does not affect a humans worth. It was just I was going through so much crap and depression that acceptance was so important ... so I just made ridiculous demands I didnt believe in. Oddly enough that made it non negotiable. Isnt that dumb? But now I get it.. he isnt a bad guy.. and it seems to be the nature of the beast.. and he doesnt do (or want to do) cocaine or heroin.

 

And about addressing the issue of what happened last time on tour.. you think I shouldnt say anything? I was just thinking he mightve brought up worrying about going again in order to talk about it.. I am not sure I want to know what happened, but when he came home he seemed so upset that I didnt want to know about that time. His lost weekend so to speak. But I wasnt ready. I said I would be supportive and I understood his need for autonomy and I wouldnt judge, accepted his apology about never meaning to hurt me, but I couldnt hear about what happened, that was 5 months ago.

 

The sleeping with me thing.. I am not sure if it was what you said before or what but today I feel bad that he didnt call. He called three days in a row and then after he sleeps with me no call. Hmm maybe I am just worrying too much. I know its hard to believe but I do tend to overreact sometimes.. I have a tendency to be insecure.

 

I guess I couldve called him and told him he left his scarf. But I didnt. I dont think we need to talk everyday and by letting it go on I am learning to not NEED him so much. Its a weaning process but I am working on it.

 

It just seems like each time he gets closer and closer to me. Stays a little longer, cuddles a little more. Each time he seems more comfortable with me physically and emotionally. I dunno it feels like an unspoken way of him getting closer to me. More initmate.

 

I dont know about contacting him. Do I leave the way it is and just wait for him to contact me? I havent initiated anything. So keep that up?

 

You said something tells you I will have him back .. I sure hope thats right. I kinda feel that way too.. I just dont know how to stay on track ya know?

 

I know you didnt mean to make me cry. I think its just hard to hear (read) some things you know? You werent saying anything that was untrue.. it just burst my bubble of post coital bliss. No worries. Really.

 

Anyway sometimes when we are apart I too have those images of him with someone else. I mean there is no spoken exclusiveness. I hope its there just unspoken.. but I dont know. So I dunno we may be in the same boat there.

 

Devildog.. yeh it seemed to me that he was a bit frustrated by my having so much fun and being so free at the party. When we were together I tried to get here, but I was going through a deep depression and I just couldnt get there. I have since been to therapy and worked on me. I feel ok with me now.

 

I started therapy before he broke up with me. He knows it was because I wanted to be able to be this. I wanted to have fun at shows and not freak out everytime. I wanted to be as source of security and happiness for him at shows, not a huge source of stress.

 

He did a few things with his most recent ex that I wanted him to do with me. He basically realized everything he did wrong in our relationship and set out not to do that in that one. Funny thing is.. it didnt help that relationship.. it helped ours. He came to see that those admissions and true confessions he was telling her were things he always wanted to be able to tell me. And after a while he did.

 

I am saying I did try this before he broke up with me.. but my timing sucked. When he did what your ex is doing it killed me. But you cant ensure a new relationship will work by using it to solve the issues in your previous relationship. I would say if she is going about doing things you asked her to do.. she is thinking about how much she messed up what she had with you.. she doesnt want to repeat that mistake beacause it hurts. It isnt about them... its still about you two. I hope that makes sense.

 

Him and I have had extensive talks about my therapy. He forgives me for so much because he knew it wasnt me. I was trapped. He says he doesnt want to hear the words I am sorry because he knows it wasnt my fault. He is just proud of me and happy that I can be here.

 

I just think he was frustrated because he was used to me being clingy. He had justified leaving me because I was clingy and never had fun.. and then here I am not being clingy and having fun. After the crappy relationship he had everyone there looked and saw me having fun and it seemed like they were "so WHY did you break up with her again?" It sort of shook up his testimony.

 

Wow I wrote waaaay too much. Thank you both. Take care.

[Devildog]

I am saying I did try this before he broke up with me.. but my timing sucked. When he did what your ex is doing it killed me. But you cant ensure a new relationship will work by using it to solve the issues in your previous relationship. I would say if she is going about doing things you asked her to do.. she is thinking about how much she messed up what she had with you.. she doesnt want to repeat that mistake beacause it hurts. It isnt about them... its still about you two. I hope that makes sense.

 

If only that were true in my situation smile. My wife isn't doing these things out of regret for not doing it in our relationship. She left our marriage a long time ago and doesn't regret any of it it would seem. She also has some severe depression issues and possibly other undiagnosed psychological issues that she refuses to admit or seek counselling or treatment for. C'est la vie.

[smile]

Soooo, the big show is this weekend. I dont know should I go? He asked me to go a while ago and then asked me again recently. He asked one more time on Monday. Hmm so should I go?

 

He has the next three days off of work. I dont know that I wanted to hear that. I am sure he is just hanging out or whatever I just dont want to wonder what he is doing or who he is hanging out with. If he has an other girl on the side somewhere. I dunno I guess thats some worry I am gonna have to try and squash.

 

I just talked to him on the phone so I know he is on the comp. But I dont want to sign on to AIM in case he thinks I may be following him or whatever. Dumb huh? He would partly be right thats the dumb part.

 

Gosh I suck so bad. I just wish I could chill out and let this play itself out. I seemed to have more faith that he would come back to me before we started hanging out again. I guess now that its close to the "judgement day" so to speak, I am worrying that my fantasy may be shattered. And then what a waste all of this time was.

 

UGH.. I need to take a shower and get ready for bed. I wish I knew what to do ... I wish he would just out and tell me what he wants...but then I dont. Sometimes I think this halfway stuff is going to break me. And sometimes it makes me feel so alive and wonderful. Thats the story of , thats the glory of love.

[Universe]

Go to the concert. Unless, you've got something much better to do. I mean - CD release parties can be bang or bust. You never know. But he'll definitely ask you where you were if you don't go. The only thing you will be able to say (unless you actually do have something way cooler to do) is that you don't like the way things are and that you want him to decide already. But, as you can see, that'll be pushing him. He won't like that. It could work. But I wouldn't do it. It's too risky.

Making youself unavailable to him is one thing, but this is their big CD release party. That's a big deal if you're in a band. If you want to show him that you're less available, I'd wait till the next show. Be less available when he calls to hang out and stuff. But don't skip the show. You've known about it for so long without telling him you have other plans.

 

I know what you mean about this halfway-indecision thing wearing you thin. I wouldn't call what my ex is doing half-way-indecision. I'd say she much further than halfway at this point. It applies more in your case. Whatever - it's really the waiting. The truth of it is, we're slowly getting over them a little more every day. My ex is just letting me slip away a little faster than yours. But even though he's holding on to you a little tighter, you won't wait for him forever. No one can without some kind of commitment. Anyone who does has self-esteem issues.

But holding on to hope is a hard thing. Depending on what you're hoping for, you can only hold on for so long. There's only so much you can take.

 

Don't worry about it. If you're wearing thin, then it's time to pull back. Don't be rude about it. Just don't be available for him all the time. Make more plans to do stuff ahead of time so if by chance he does call, you can legitimately be busy. Plus you have the added benefit of doing more things and getting more done. If he doesn't call, you've wasted no time waiting for him. If he does, well then maybe you can squeeze him in some time later. Don't cut him off completely. Just start scheduling him. If he tries to drop by after band practice for a free f*ck, just say you're tired and are sleeping. Or here's one - Don't answer when he calls. Let him leave a messagae and then call him back when you're good and ready. Call him back, but when it's convenient for you and when you're not so vulnerable. Try to only hang with him when you're feeling your strongest. That's one thing I've done that I think has really been good. If I feel the slightest bit vulnerable, I'm unavailable. Only when I feel really strong do I take her calls and hang out. Unfortunately, she doesn't call. Whatever.

 

I think you get the drift.

 

Peace.

 

All the best.

[smile]

yeh today I actually started thinking about dating other people, no one in particular, just thinking. Its funny its not like instead of him.. its almost as if the more this happens the easier it is for him to disappear in my mind. I feel detatched from it.. ya know? Like he wasnt even my bf. But then there are days when it seems we are still together.

 

I dont know what I want at this point. I think thats good, it means I am growing right? But it makes me sad because deep down inside there is a part of me that truly believes we belong together. The rest of me is just tired of waiting for him to figure it out.

 

That is so sad and empowering at the same time. Jesus this is the most emotionally mixed up I have ever felt. And yet it feels so clean ... in an honest kinda way. Wow I have no idea if that makes sense but its like the memories I have of us are sort of now in dream mode. Where the emotion isnt directly connected.. it seems far off and distant, kinda fuzzy.

 

Hah I guess I just got what "misty watercolor memories" are. Thanks again.

[smile]

soo I called him to tell him his scarf was here and we chatted for a bit. He had to go eat. Then after a while I signed on here.. he shows up and for 30 minutes doesnt IM me. So I leave.

 

I am mad that he can f*&k me but cant call me. Not the next day, not even IM me. So after being pissed I txt him "just a friend (typo on purpose) reminder cell phone bill $45 due. thank you management" two hours later nothing.

 

So here I am back on AIM and he is here and hasnt said a damn thing to me since I got here. I didnt say anything either but i mean come one. Isnt that messed up?

 

I am just tired of sleeping with him and then acting like nothing happened. He is so sweet and cuddly and wonderful when he is here and then the next day I am supposed to forget it, until he wants it again. I feel used.

 

He just said hi to me. I am mad and hurt, but its 2am and whats the point of going into anything now? He has to know how I feel right? After three years together he does know me so well... how could he use me this way? Does he even see it that way? Do you think he thinks I am ok with this?

 

I want/ deserve someone who wants me. Who is certain that he wants me and won't play these games with me. I had that with him.. but its over and I cant expect it to come back. It looks like a duck and quacks like a duck but its a feakin platypus. That may be what hurts the most. The guy that was my everything, was so loyal and amazing and my best friend , he is the one doing this to me.

 

Why does he want me to hang out and be friends with everyone when he is going to screw me and then act like nothing happened? Why does he tell me what he is doing right now and who he is talking to? Its like he is saying everything so I am not worried or jealous.. but why? I feel like an idiot. That dumb girl who doesnt know when to just walk away. Stupid, always holding out hope that he will one day see everything I am to him and he will change. Man I am dumb.

[_Saffy_]

Do you think he thinks I am ok with this?

 

 

 

yes he thinks you are ok with it, he has no reason to think otherwise.

 

he calls, and you jump, in many sense of the word!!

 

he is using you hunny, and until you put a stop to it and make him see what he could have if he wanted to then hes gonna keep doing it.

 

i have no doubt that he has feelings, that seems to be obvious, but isnt it great that he can have all the good stuff without having to put out any commitment?

[Universe]

Pull back now. Don't tell him anything. Don't IM him. Don't Txt him. Don't call him. Don't write him a letter. Don't give him a reason for anything until he brings it up. Simply take yourself away from him.

 

Continue making yourself unavailable. When he brings it up, don't act mad. No matter what, don't show him your anger. Just act like everything is cool and nothing has changed. But don't let him seduce you. You need to define some limits. You still love him, but there's a limit to what he can take from you. If you continue to let him take advantage of you, then you are not loving yourself and therefore are making harder for him to love you.

 

ok.

 

Be strong!

[smile]

Sooo, dont go to the show tomorrow? Thats the last big issue. And he needs to pay me for our joint cell phone that we cant seem to split. Everytime we try something crazy happens.. we get charged too much or get threats to have our phones disconnected. Its insane.

 

We have tried about a zilion times to split it and always there is a problem. He doesnt seem to want to split it and I can only do what I can on my side.

 

I know I will be lonely. I know he will be mad but I am afraid that this will go on forever or he will be the first to leave. I cant take that again.

 

I know I need to be unavailable and just say I was busy. I had things to do or something. Like last night. I said I was sending emails.. I wasnt. But then a friend signed on and we chatted. He kept asking what I was doing.. putting in small talk and I was not a bit receptive. I wasnt rude but I wasnt chatty.

 

When he went to bed he said "i am going to try to go to sleep now . you should do the same." what business is it of his how late I stay up? I said maybe and goodnight.. he said bye and that was that.

 

This sucks because its like we are breaking up all over again. But it seems different. Sad and painful but I am not sure how much I am going to miss THIS. you know?

 

I love him so much. I hate what is happening. I dont want to resent him or anything. Thats what is happening. I dont think he is trying to hurt me but he certainly isnt being fair.

 

If it was just friends f*ckedthen he wouldnt stay the night, or roll over to cuddle with me. He wouldnt call me on the phone for hours and ask my advice about everything. I cant do this anymore. Thanks guys for being here.. help me get through this...

 

so do I go tomorrow? do i tell him i m not going?

[nycpetit]

I know it's going to be really, really tough. But you should NOT go. He's taken advantage of you in the sense that he wants you around, like interrupting in the IM's, but he's not calling you after sex? you are right to feel badly about that.

 

I think honestly, the MOST important thing in a relationship is respect. Sure, yea, you need chemistry, excitement, affection, understanding, and to be able to communicate.

 

BUT you need respect as you would give a parent (provided you are a good child, lol) and respect you'd give an employer, and friend.

 

He's not giving you that. Listen and read what you have written. If you resent, YOU resent, and you must FEEL that. We should not have to push down our feelings for the benefit of keeping a love interest. Does this make sense? What you feel is your right to feel, and your right to follow. And I don't think he's being respectful.

 

If you want to keep contact after saying you are not able to go tomorrow, that's okay. BUT, and I warn you on this because it's so hard, do NOT sleep with him now. Leave it for him to COME to you. (no pun, and incorrect spelling intended)

 

Big hugs. This stuff is so hard. Remember to LISTEN to your inner voice (and tell me to do the same, lol) because it's telling you what is right for YOU and no one else, not even him, can know what that is.

 

Our inner voice is our best advice we will ever get.

 

Now, let me go and do the same thinking about my dilemma!

[smile]

I know its the right thing to do, I know its the strong thing to do, so why does it feel like I am falling apart? I know how much it will hurt him if I dont go, but he is hurting me so much right now. Maybe he doesnt (wont/cant) see it. Who knows...

 

He called me at 3:30 this afternoon. I didnt answer. He didnt leave a msg. What was that about? Am I supposed to see the missed call and jump to call him back? Not even a freaking msg. What the heck?

 

He hasnt called back. I wonder if he is looking at his phone peroidically wondering why I havent called him back? At this point its already 10pm so I am sure he is past the caring about what I am doing stage.

 

I hate this. All of a sudden I feel I have no idea who he is. This is so heartbreaking. I miss him.

 

So many of you said you were jealous of me because I had him HERE. But that doesnt matter. In fact it may be worse. At least some of you have exs who have the courtesy to stay away if they dont want you.

 

There is a HUGE storm hitting the city this weekend. My car probably wont make it up to the show anyway. I know it means a lot to him. I am still torn on wanting to be there.

 

Damnitt why is he holding back? Like you said universe he is all but back. Why the heck is he not back. Before when he was calling me (when I found out he was still with her and having phone sex with me) I said I felt disrespected and that he was using me. He cried and said he never wanted me to feel that way and he respectes me so much. HA!

 

I also said to him then that this all makes me sad. And he says what that we broke up. And I said no it makes me sad that he wants me as a best friend and a confidant and he wants me for sex... why does he want those idependent from eachother.. if I am all of those things why cant he want me to be everything? He just cried and said it was complicated because he was still with her.

 

When he came home after his tour he said he wasnt ready for a relationship.. he couldnt give what was necessary for a bf to give. But that was bull because 2 weeks later he was HER bf. Not that he was a good one... he was constantly calling me. I made it stop when they started dating but after a bit of NC he started calling again and I had no idea they were still together. He just didnt (doesnt) want to be with me.

 

BUT HE DOES. Its like we are secret bf and gf and in front of everyone we are just friends. Why bring me in front of everyone? Why invite me to hang out? Everyone knows we slept together that night. So what the heck?

 

I dunno. I have to stay away youre right . I am NOT being respected. I deserve more and he used to think so too. It just hurts that he no longer feels that way.

 

The other day he said he was so thankful that he had me to take care of him and protect him from bad stuff. The last time he was here he just kept cuddling and holding me. God damnitt this is so freaking confusing. I want to go away ... I feel so trapped ya know?

[nan]

Smile,

 

I am sooo sorry about what is going on. I whole-heartedly and completely know how you feel right now. In fact I just got done crying to my mom about what was going on and how I hate being stuck in this "middle place." I know how bad it hurts. I know you wish that he could just feel the way he used to.

 

It's like how can he do this? He used to love you, was so in love with you. He was your best friend, he was your rock, your shoulder to cry on, your person to cry with. The person you trusted, respected, you always knew they would be there for you. Now they pull this on us. I call Bullsh*t.

 

How dare they keep us guessing while they jsut get to play their games, take their time, figure out what they want, and all the time they are ripping our hearts out of our chest. So what the hell do they want? Most of the time I feel that we already have our answer. If they really wanted to be with us, they would. And that hurts more than anything.

 

So I might sound a little pissed tonight, because I am. I'm sure I'll feel different tomarrow, maybe not. But I'm about to go right an angry message on my board, if you feel like reading. I think in our hearts we already know the answer and we either don't see it yet, or we are in denial. All I can think to do is run. But I've done that my whole life, and it feels good at the time, but everything comes back and no matter where you go, it will find you.

 

So I don't know, personally I think I should go, and I think you should too. Don't let them jack us around anymore. Bu tI don't know.

 

Nan

[smile]

Should I go to his show tonight?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by smile

Its like we are secret bf and gf and in front of everyone we are just friends. Why bring me in front of everyone? Why invite me to hang out? Everyone knows we slept together that night. So what the heck?

 

Because he likes you, he likes being with you, he likes having sex with you, he likes laying around in bed and holding you, he likes spending time with you but ...

 

 

... not enough to make a relationship out of it. Not enough to let anyone else know about it. Not enough to give you what you need from him.

 

You'll have to make a decision. Take what he is offering, or not take him at all. He isn't going to budge past where he is right now with you. It depends on how badly you need him. Need is a powerful thing: it can allow you to be happy and grateful for crumbs when you are starving.

 

The question is: how hungry are you?

 

Do you go to the show tonight? Depends on why you want to go. Do you really want to go, or are you hoping that he will see you and think about you, and pay attention to you, and feed into that need you have for him? Are you willing to go that show for crumbs even if they are tasty crumbs?

 

I'm sorry that you are in this situation. Being friends with this band that I know, I see women in these situations far more often than I want to. I see them - and the hope is raw in their makeup faces, in their carefully selected outfits, their painfully false confidence when they come backstage to see their 'boyfriend' - when I know, and he knows, and the rest of the band knows that no matter what - he just can't give them what they want, so he gives them what he can: which from our point of view isn't much, but the girl always takes that tiny bit and fools herself into thinking its more. Its really sad. These girls know what the deal is, but they keep hoping and holding on. As long as they get something, some tiny bit of emotion or sex they keep holding on - even when they are 'out of sight, out of mind'. Eventually they move on though and are replaced by someone else.

 

I hope that it works out for you in your case. I know three guys in that band who did settle down eventually, leave the band and got married - happily, I might add. They missed what they had on the road, but not enough to go back to it. So, it's not impossible, but its not easy either. I hope you can hold on until either it works out or you can begin to move on from it.

[nan]

Smile,

 

First, thank you so much for your advice, it really helped me a lot, more than you know, so thank you.

 

I was just thinking, haven't you guys only been in regular contact for about a month now? If so, then there's probably a lot of things going on in his mind. He wants to see if he changed, if you changed, how he feels about you now. (which obviously he loves you) Maybe just the anticipation of him going on tour is holding him back alot.

 

I could be wrong, but I don't think he will get back together with you before that. I think he wants to establish a relationship with you before he leaves. A lot can happen to people in 2 months. Maybe while he's gone it will be another test to your realtionship and he feels like if you act strong and you both get through it, then he can come back.

 

It's not like I'm saying he doesn't want to get back together with you before he leaves so he can be with other people when he's gone. But this, I think, will be the first time he goes on tour when you are back in regular contact. He wants to SEE the change in you, not just you telling him you changed.

 

As for him acting different with you alone, and when you are around people. I know how that goes, but I think it could also be because he doesn't want to answer to people what you two are doing. He doesn't want to try to define it to someone, or explain it. Something like this is tough to explain. He knows what it is and you know what it is, maybe that's it for now.

 

Just some thoughts.

 

Did you go/are you going to the show? I can't remember if it was last night or tonight. Hugs.

 

Nan

[smile]

Wow I think you may have a bit of the wrong idea. I dont want him to quit the band. And he isnt really like that. I was actually the first girl he ever committed to for as long as we were together. He tried to avoid relationships because he knew that it would be tough being in the band.

 

Look everyone here is begining to act so defeatist. I made my decision about taking some space. You all seem to have gone from "oh everything is going so well he is into you he will be back" ... to "he is using you he is hurting you you are too stupid to see it". That happened because he didnt call for two days?

 

I am angry and tired of this... but it doesnt change who he is. Yeh maybe we wont be together again..but I dont know that for sure yet. I know this guy and there is something there. He needs to figure it out.

 

I dont want this attitude of "its over" before its over. Everyone here says NC is done to help yourself more than anything but sometimes I think its like some saddistic way to make the ex suffer. Ex or not I dont treat people that way.

 

I have faith in love. I dont want to lose that. He loves me... he may not be ready (and may bever be ready) to be with me.. but he does love me . I am not going to throw that away forever or hate him because its not exactly what I want.

 

I dont believe these are "crumbs" that he is giving me. I dont think he knows what he wants or even imagines he has a decision to make. So I am going to just take a backseat because this is too much.

 

My family did a horrible thing to me when we were togetehr ,of stereotyping him and telling me he never gave me what I deserve. When we were together he did. He was amazing. We went through tough stuff, together. I just think we are on autopilot and we feel so comfortable we are hoping nobody says anything.

 

Maybe he thought we were kinda together and being here he didnt have to say anything. Maybe he thinks I am ok with this.. I dont seem not to be. Maybe he gets too close and it means too much and he slinks away from time to time because he is confused. i have no idea. But so quickly jumping from he is comming back to he is gone just seems so harsh.

 

All I know is here I am wondering if I should go or not and as I am switching the channels I come across the movie I gave him for xmas. It is on tv. Its not very common and happened to be his favorite movie as a kid. The main character has his name. Everyone says trust my gut, and my gut tells me there is something more.

 

I am going to be busy and make him figure out what he wants. I am not sad and pathetic if any of you think so.. have no pity on me. I have battled with depression for a while and I know that its easier to fall into sadness and just to walk away. So I am not weak, I am not a doormat. I can still take care of me but deep down inside love him forever. That last part I cant control and I would never try.

[smile]

Nan,

Thank you so much. I think you may be right. Thats how I feel. But I guess I have to balance what I need with what I can handle. I am not going to spend everyday with him, altho it is a great way to ensure he isnt with anyone else. But its ok I am just going to make the times we are together as fun as possible.

 

I am going to make him chase a bit... he has been doing that a lot anyway. I just hope he still wants to. I dont know.

 

I dont think its about being able to do who he wants when he is on tour either .I do think he is afraid of what might happen to him emotionally. I think he is going to keep me at this distance and see what happens to him this time round.

 

The show is tonight and I imagine it would mean a lot if I went. I imagine he will be sad if I dont go. I am still unsure, weather and all that. My car isnt the youngest spring chicken ya know? I HAVE NO IDEA.

 

I should go about my day and make that decision. but thanks nan. Take care.

[hugznkisses21]

Smile,

 

I have been following your story. I say he does seem like he cares, like u care, like you both care for eachother. I do agree that you have to make him come to you, you own yourself that much. I think that you can definately love someone and visa versa but not be in love with them. I think that what you should do here is take it for face value now, now that there has been a break up it will take its time if something were to happen again and I think sleeping with him may only confuse things. Take it slow, real slow, develope a close friendship agian before becomingintimate with him as hard as it can be. I think that in this case, your story it is very possible that this can develope into a realtionship again if percautions were take.

 

Another thing is maybe this is it maybe this is just so much history with the both of you that u need to see, and talk to eachother but there isnt going to be a relationship again and the both of you have not come fully to terms on this. But none the less sleeping with him is not going to help.

 

Go to the show, have a good time as if you were going with a group of frinds to see a band u didnt know. Enjoy your night, be friendly, enjoy your time with him but nothing more. Kepp you head up, hold your ground. IF he wants more he with make the effort to do the things he need to make it work. BUT it isnt going to happen tonight or tomorrow. Keep it casual and let it take its course. Dont read into EVERY little detail. My bf call all teh time and enevr leaves messages, I hate leaving messages for anyone so dont read too much into that. If i am around people while I am on the phone I wont leave a message cause i feel retarded...lol....Anyways AS women we read into everything.....and for men they dont have a clue half the time why they do things. SO dont get yourself all wondering its not fun!

 

I say if he calls phone him back, most people have caller ID so its polite to return a call. But again keep it simple, "hey, hows it going, you called?" So that way you a returning his call after a while to see what he wanted not because you need to talk to him. If my bf calls say at 3 and I see he called he wont call again by 10 cause he knows that I have seen he called and when i get a chance I will call him back. Most people dont like to keep calling people cause they know the person knows they called and will call them back if they waant to.

 

I dont at all think you are stupid. I dont think either of you are treating eachother like crap I just think that the priorities in this relationship have shifted for him since the break-up. Maybe he is trying to play cool like you.

[smile]

So hugznkisses I took your advice, I did call him back. He was acting like he forgot why he called. Then was like ok yeh I wanted to get my scarf and pay you for the phone. He actually forgot that he called me. He said when did I call? and I was like at 3 and he said 3am or 3pm. Come on now ... thats dumb.

 

Anyway he said he would be home tomorrow. Then after a bit said "um are you going tonight?" when I said "I dont know" he asked if I was ok. I said yeh was he ok and he said yes.

 

He said he would talk to me tomorrow unless I came to the show tonight then he would see me there. Its almost like he suddenly doesnt care if I go or not. Does he really not care? He has been asking me since before xmas....

 

Why did he act like he didnt remember he called. Why didnt he leave a msg if he just wanted his scarf or whatever. ackkkk

 

I know you said not to overanalyze but I mean arrghh.

 

Oh wait. If you said something like we both dont realize that it may never be a relationship anymore or whatever then doesnt that mean that we both kind of want it? I mean that means neither of us have really accepted the end. I dunno it just seems that way to me.

[Universe]

It's a tough call to make for someone who only knows your story through the internet. But I know you're probably leaning on going. So I will take the Don't Go stance. The sex thing is too much for me. You definitely seem to feel used. And from an outsider's perspective, it would certainly look that way. I wouldn't bother calling him back unless you've definitely decided to go. I'm sure the only reason he called was to make sure you'd go. But don't take it personal. When my band is having a show, I call everyone I know to ask them to go. Don't think he wants you in particular to go. Then again, given that he's still into you, he probably wants you to go and will definitely miss you if you're not there.

 

I don't know. I really want to say don't go. It doesn't look good. But I'm afraid it might come off as childish game playing if you don't.

 

If you do go, definitely do not let him come home with you tonight. NO MORE SEX with him until he gives you a definite commitment.

 

I know it's confusing because we've all been like, "Yeah - you're so close." and then did and about face. But the about face (I only speak for myself, mind you) is in reaction to you feeling used. This in between stuff is draggin on a bit too long. He's getting too much out of you and putting too little in. This was ok for a little while for you to re-establish a certain bond. But I think you're past that and enough is enough.

 

I worry that if you go, you'll be vulnerable because you're angry and confused. That's not a good state to see your ex in. Don't go unless you are absolutely certain that you can remain calm and indifferent to his actions no matter what they are.

 

If you go, I would just hang with your friends, watch the show, and then leave. I wouldn't try to hang out with him beforehand or afterwards. Say hi to him. Make your presence known. Then when the show's over, leave. If he asks you to stay. Say you're tired and want to go to sleep. There's a good chance he's counting on you tonight for some more free lovin'. When you take that option away, it'll make him think. You're not playing a game. You're just setting limits which is necessary in any loving relationship.

 

Like I said before. If you don't go, you'll need a good excuse unless you want a confrontation about how you're feeling used and all that. Confrontations between exes usually push you further apart.

 

And what's this nonsense about him being "afraid" of his emotions while away on tour. What kind of wuss is this guy? He can't go two months away from home without having an emotional breakdown? C'mon. Grow the f*ck up already.

 

And forget your what your family says about him. That has nothing to do with anything.

 

So if you feel like going, go as a favor. Nothing more. After that, you have to make him come to you and then you decide how close he can get. But NO SEX or taking advantage of your in between status until he's made some kind of agreement with you and your situation.

 

Sorry I can't give you a simple yes or no.

 

Remain calm and let your instincts guide you.

 

I hope this helps, somehow.