feeling very stupid right now

[debs]

Smile,

 

My last hurrah with my exH was our divorce day. I wore a nice black pant suit, carefully applied my makeup and took time to do my long hair and as I was walking out with a classy style I turned around to him looked him dead in the eye and said "HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW! He broke down in tears and I walked away! I called over my shoulder this is what you wanted your freedom so why the drama now?

 

I would go see the show tonight, dress well and give his eyes a hell of a show!

[smile]

One of my closest friends , whom I havent talked to in a while bc of this bs, and i chatted today. I asked her to go to the show and she cant bc she just had an MRI. Wow I didnt even know anything was wrong.

 

If I dont go to the show I said I would hang out and take care of her. She said she would like that. Thats a good reason not to go right?

 

He really seemed pretty neutral as to if I went or not. Which is so odd because before he was all begging me to go places.. hang out with his friends.. remember 5 calls in 4 hours. But I dont know.

 

Maybe he can tell that something is up. I am sure he can I am so bad at hididng my emotions and he can read me like a book. I think he suspects there is something wrong.

 

I HATE playing these games.. I do. I hate that here I am 6 months later and I am crying about him again. Say what you want but sometimes I feel like such a fool.

 

How can he love me but not .. want me but not. Falling apart now. Probably not going to the show.

[Universe]

Why did he act like he didnt remember he called. Why didnt he leave a msg if he just wanted his scarf or whatever.

OK - he's being childish. He knows darn well when he called and why.

 

I mean - I know he's confused and all that. But seriously, How old is he? You guys need to improve rapport.

 

I almost wanna tell you to just forget this loser and find an adult to have a relationship with.

 

Whatever you do, do not go to the show alone. Find someone to go with. So hi. Then don't pay him anymore mind. You're going as a favor and nothing more.

 

Or don't go. He's given you an out. If he asks why you didn't go later on, you can say that when you talked to him it didn't sound you he really wanted you to go.

 

So let's analyze this call for second:

He asked if you were alright. So he's already wondering if he overstepped his bounds. You didn't call him right back and suggested you may not go tongiht. So he's already shaking in his boots a little bit. At this point it almost doesn't seem to matter whether you go or not. He knows he might be losing you and that is scaring him.

 

You do what you want. It's your life, not his. If he's going to act indifferent about whether or not you go, well then he better be able to back that up. I don't think he will.

 

 

 

oh - I just scrolled down and saw debs remarks. Right on. Do that!

[debs]

Yes Smle helping a friend through a rough time is a very legitimate excuse!

Take care....

[Universe]

Ok - then fall apart.

 

But pick up the pieces and move forward. If you're not going to look your best tonight like debs suggested, then go hang with your MRI friend. One thing I've learned after breaking up with someone I was with for 5 years is that no matter what happens to you in love and relationships, if you good friends, they are there before, during, and after. You often neglect them when you have a lover. Don't neglect them when your lover is neglecting you. Keep your priorities in line.

 

I'm starting to feel like my advice is so inconsistent that there's no way I can be helping you. I think your situation is just confusing me beyone logic.

 

Whatever you do, Good Luck. We'll be on here tomorrow to see what happened or didn't happen.

 

All the best.

[smile]

If he's going to act indifferent about whether or not you go, well then he better be able to back that up. I don't think he will.

 

 

I am sorry I dont get what that means? Yeh I think I am going to hang out with her. She seemed more into seeing me tonight than he did.

 

He is 26 and yes very imature. His brother, and most everyone he knows, is convinced he is crazy. I think he has issues.

 

He wont miss me tonight. So many friends of his will be there. I need to be with my friend right now.

 

I am not so sure he is scared about losing me. If it really is as indifferent as he is acting like it is then maybe he is ok with it. Just like.. ok thats over moving on.

 

You have no idea how much I love this guy. Just lately the more I am with him the more hurt I am because I dont know what is overstepping my bounds. It kills me when he acts like he doesnt care.

 

I wish he was shaking in his boots. I wish he could see that I am moving away. But he probably wont get it or just think I am being dumb. Who knows he may even get angry at me.. for who knows what.

[debs]

ahhhhhhh but Smile to be a fly on the wall when he is there looking to see IF you did indeed come to see him...PRICELESS!

[Universe]

If he's going to act indifferent about whether or not you go, well then he better be able to back that up. I don't think he will.

 

I mean - He obviously wants you to go. He's been asking for weeks. He just knows that something is up because you didn't call him back right away and you suggested that you may not go. So as a defense mechanism he acted indifferent to whether or not you went. So what I was saying was: If he wants to play indifferent, call his bluff. I think he is bluffing. I think he's realizing that he's push you too far and now he's about to lose you. He's busy getting ready for his show, so it probably hasn't quite sunk in yet. But he'll be thinking about it long and hard tonight. And if he isn't, then he never really cared in the first place and you're lucky to be rid of him. But you were honest with him. You said you didn't know if your were going. And you honestly didn't know. But he wasn't honest with you. He acted indifferent when the only reason he called was to see if you were going. If he were really indifferent, he wouldn't have called. Forget the scarf and the phone bill. That's nonsense. There's nothing you can do about the freakin' scarf and phone bill until he comes by to take care of them. He doesn't need to call you about those. So he was only calling to see if you were coming.

 

But I think it will make him think and when the shows over and you were never there. WHen he thinks about it, he'll start shaking in his boots. Again, If he doesn't, then he never really cared in the first place and you're lucky to be rid of him.

If and when he confronts you about why you didn't go, stay calm and cool and say you thought your other friend needed you more and he didn't seem to care one way or the other if you went when he called. Don't mention a word about how you've been agonizing over this decision.

 

Go comfort your friend. She may end up comforting you more.

[smile]

I guess what scares me is when he came home before and we messed around... I asked for more and he freaked. Then he found someone else. Even tho he spent the whole time he was with her comparing her to me. He kept calling me and wanting me. I was his emotional rock.. so to speak.. I was who he came to when he had issues or needed advice.. he called (calls) me everytime ANYTHING happens. Good or bad like a kid and his mommy ya know?

 

Anyway I mean I am just afraid he is going to do that again. Just move on. Is there less chance of that because he already tried and it didnt work? Is there less chance of that because the bad stuff from before is too far away and after being without me for so long the good stuff seems twice as good as before?

 

Or is it going to be easier because I am not his gf. And it has been so long since then.

 

He said he wanted to be alone for a while.. after they broke up. He said that after we broke up. He isnt good at being alone. But he isnt really alone he is kinda with me. But he kinda isnt.

 

I am afraid this may make him think I am not interested in anything other than friends and stuff. Maybe he does just need to focus on band stuff. Isnt this just me being more trouble?

 

No I know its not but what if thats how he sees it. I know he loves me. He just seems so mixed up now. But when he is with me alone he isnt mixed up at all. I have always had a calming effect on him. Maybe that makes him resent me? I have no idea...

 

Thanks everyone for today. I am seriously having trouble today. Means a lot that you were here to listen and comment. I appreciate it .

[Universe]

I have been there for my ex. I have created pleasant moments. I have been loving her 100%. I have showed her all the respect in the world. I have given her space. I've done everything I can. She's confused and unstable. I've been there for her. But it's going on for to long. There's a breaking point and I'm hitting it. I'm experiencing rage like never before. Uncontrollable rage. My blood boils and I actually feel like I hate her! I unbelievable. But I'm so F*CKING tired of being there for her when no one but you fine people are here for me. She has so many friends. She has so much support. She said I'm the only one she really feels comfortable talking to about things. She has so many other people helping her and yet she says I'm the only one who really does. But where is she when I need support? Where is she when I'm confused? She's off balling somone else!

I'm getting over her and she will be the loser!

 

So from that perspective I look at your situation and I say: You're there for him. You're his support system. You're his protective mommy who loves him unconditionally and his ever-stable home where he can go for comfort in time of need. But what is he to you? Nothing but a drain and a source of the greatest heartache you've ever known.

 

So, yeah - I know I'm biased and probably not thinking so clearly because I'm angry with my own situation. So take my advice for what it is. I know my situation is far different than yours (in fact, almost opposite), but my patience is spent with both of our exes.

 

You can only give so much before you break. Maybe you can still give. But I'm broken. My heart is broken. My love is broken. And that's all I'm willing to let her break. I won't let her break my spririt, my soul, my self respect. Don't you let him break yours.

 

Peace.

[smile]

Its so great to be here and so hard at the same time. I mean while you want to give unbiased advice so often it is based upon where you are with your ex at the moment. Not just you but everyone myself included. But the great thing is that you understand that. So thank you for everything because just like you I am fluctuating with what I can take myself.

 

Our situations may be similar or opposite but it doesnt matter because we are here to listen and help eachother. I wish I could fix what needs fixing for you but as you can see even on the other side the grass isnt so green. I am fed up with so many exes that I read about here, some dumpers and some dumpees.

 

He is emotionally draining but do you want to know how much more messed up this gets? When I need someone to talk to (about anything BUT him of course) he is there for me. In fact he tells me I can call him more often and that if I need anything he will be here. When my aunt was in the hospital he could tell something was wrong. He asked what it was and when I told him he was so there for me. Went on and on about how he knew that I get worked up over things like this because of my dad but that she would be ok. Even when we were breaking up before he came home.. my uncle had a heart attack and he took time out of his breakdown to be there for me.

 

Thats what this is all mixed up about. Emotionally yes he is here, physically yes he is here (sometimes), but there is something else.. rarrrrr

 

Anyway I did want to just say thank you. Everyone here is going through so much on their own and the fact that you would take time to comment on this means so much. I know at times like these some ppl would rather read about something that isnt working.. and has no hope.... but you dont force me to think that. You are honest and tell me to listen to my heart. You tell me where your answers and judgements are comming from.

 

I am sorry she doesnt realize what she has in you. Someone who can obvioiusly push aside his own feelings to be there for her. The anger is understandable because you could do everything she wants but right now it wont matter. How frustrating. I think its becasue she doesnt know what she wants and its just tests to see if you pass. And when you (we) do it freaks them out even more. They cant find that justification to be away so they just go away.

 

Do they want us to leave them alone? No. Do they want us to stay? No. They want to either have a huge epiphany one day or they want to move away from a confusing situation.

 

I am sorry but I am here for ya. If you need anything... reassurance, venting, whatever. Honest. Take care of yourself.

[smile]

I am sure you will all think its a bad idea but I kinda want to txt him and let him know I am not comming and why. I know that seems dumb but at the same time it seems kinda mean for me to just not show up. I said I didnt know but should I tell him?

 

Or just wait until tomorrow? I guess I am just anxious bc my friend is still in a vicodin induced coma so I may not hang out with her tonight. Bleh.

[lost_in_chgo]

I think it's not a bad idea. You don't have to be apologetic, just say "just letting you know I'm not going to make it." Don't explain it, don't make excuses. And don't follow up. But I agree, being mean or cruel is not good.

 

If he calls, then talk to him. Don't let him use you or string you along either. Make it clear that there are things you don't like about what is going on and leave it at that. Make him meet you half way.