Wife doesn't know who she is anymore? Twittter Alter-ego, Perscription drug use?

[secondNature]

I have been married for 10 years, 2 girls 10 and 2 and have been dealing with marital issues for about 3 years.

 

Brief rundown:

Our life 7 years ago was much different, I have been sober (gratefully so) for 6.5 years and activly attend AA and am invloved in the recovery of others.

 

When I was drinking and doing drugs life became a train wreck, I was gone for days, she had just had a baby - I was out of control. After 3 years in AA, I found the grace to remain sober one day at a time.

 

There were many things in the past that have changed dramtically, but after my wife was on bedrest for 7 months with an unplanned child who was born with minor health issues, many things changed.

 

She is angry and resentful much of the time, has a good job and does not have many friends anymore, no hobbies or things she does outside of the house. Prior to being pregnant this was an issue and she was given many chances to do things and take time, but never did for all that long, maybe a week.

 

We have been in marriage therpy for almost 3 years on and off and the last this time we started going via an altematum - she was so rageful over small issues in our relationship and the kids were around that I said either I will leave or we will go to therapy.

 

She sees a therapist as well and or marriage therapist has told us we are the worst case she has seen and said we are unwilling to change, mostly due to my wifes inability to act differently or do things suggested. In the end she ended up going to a crisis therapy workshop for a week, which helped greatly, for about 4 days.

 

Prior to going to that workshop I discovered that she has been taking long acting Aderol perscribed by our family doctor for "exhaustion" and she has been stealing my ADD medication on top of that for 2 years and lying about it to me, I almost accused my nanny and others.

 

When we went to therapy she was told she has been making her mental state even worse and "no wonder". . . She is still taking the perscribed version and lies about it and I have recently found out has an "alternate life" on twitter where she had a protected account and spent so much of her time communicating with people about how much she hated me, and claims is was just her venting, but all her followers were hateful people for the most part and just told her she was great and it would be ok.

 

I hacked her twitter account to find this out - and told her, she has stated she was waiting to get through the holidays and ask me to leave, I know what I did was horribly wrong and I get what I deserve by doing something this dishonest and untrustworthy. She spent so much time on twitter, when I was there, which is all she wanted, she wasn't mentally, she was on twitter on her phone - saying one thing to me about an arguement and then **** talking me to women she converses with. It scared me and made me feel as if I have never known her. The company she was keeping the the tone of things she said - I would not have even know it was her.

 

For years she has complained that I am never there, at meetings, at soccer with my eldest daughter, and other things I do. And she would sit at home and be unhappy and just wanted to do something. I have been the problem in our lives, me - the things I do or dont do - little things or daily things that could help which I take up and then they fall off.

 

Long story, now she is saying she doesnt know if she is in love with me and doesnt know who she is since her whole life has been about who others wanted her to be. We have been on the verge of seperating for years and she says ther is no one else and I have found nothing to define that she is. We had sex almost everyday for the 1st 6 years of our marriage and even during times of constant fights we have sex at least once a week. So sex has been the least of our problems.

 

She is so unhappy and I can not make her happy - I have wanted so long for her to do something for herself. She says the life she has is not fufilling and she needs more from life. Currently we have a raging 2 year old that needs meds 3 times a day and a little extra care and things are different, we dont do all that much and that is kinda how it is - we can do things but she seems like it is such a hassle or bother or not the best for all of us, etc. etc.

 

I dont know what to do, the "not knowing who I am" and the twitter and meds issues are troublesome - I think I just need to be out of the picture, but to manage that is going to be so very hard to do.

 

Anyone been through something like this or had any of these things happen? Advice or thoughts? I am wanting to do what is best for my kids and for her and take care of myself. If I am the problem, that would be something I am used to, but at this point I need to do something.

 

Thanks !

[Grumpybutfun]

secondNature:

The biggest issue I see here is her reluctance to change and to blame things on you. You cannot make her happy. Only she can do that, and she seems very set on finding the negative in everything. It is good that you two are in therapy, but if she doesn't listen and take the steps necessary for change, it would be best to move on. I normally say fight for a relationship but only if both parties are in it 100%.

I have been married for twenty years and I will say this...you don't have to hack your spouse's anything accounts because married people are transparent in their media outlets, phones, or e-mails. My wife and I have 100% access to each other's accounts all the time because there is nothing to hide here. She is my partner in life and if she wants to see what I am saying (even here) she can do so. Privacy is something we only need in the bathroom. We are married, and we don't need to lead separate lives. We have nothing to hide. We definitely would never "vent" to strangers about our marriage. That is so vitriolic and unhealthy, I don't even understand why you would accept that as part of marriage.

I understand that with kids it is very difficult, but living in a tense household where both your parents are unhappy is never healthy for children. I wish my parents had split very early on because my childhood was a thing of nightmares with unhappy and bickering, depressed parents trying to pretend all the time. Sometimes what is best for kids is to get them out of environments where bitterness, tension and unhappiness are universally present.

I hate to tell you this, but from what I read above, your wife checked out of your marriage a long time ago. For whatever reason, she is still going to therapy, but isn't participating in therapy. Therefore, there isn't much hope that it is doing anything but taking up both of your time.

She stole your prescription drugs, lied and is still taking drugs. That would be enough reason for me to believe that this is not a woman I would want in my life. There are worse things than divorce and accepting this farce of a marriage is one of them. If she hates you, then you have only one choice and that is to love yourself enough to get out of this mess. Take care of yourself so you can be the best father you can be. After the holidays seek out a lawyer and file for divorce asking for primary custody. Your wife shouldn't be around your children if she is abusing drugs. Her "not knowing who she is" is narcissistic because she has two children to take care so she is self-absorbed to the point where she has to take drugs to numb herself. If she truly wanted to know who she is, she would be taking therapy much more seriously and working on herself during therapy. That is not healthy for your kids to be around. People can only help themselves. You can't save her or tell her who she is and what she needs. Finding yourself is empty talk if she isn't even willing to participate in her own therapy. She says she has always been who others want her to be and that is just baloney, since she seems to internalize her needs above yours and your children.

Your children should be your focus right now. Your two year old is raging because children tend to feel what is going on around them, and your marriage is a toxic place due to your wife's general malaise and hatefulness towards you. Find a nanny who specializes in special needs children if you feel your 2 year old needs that, and end this toxic marriage.

Good luck,

Grumps

Edited December 5, 2013 by Grumpybutfun

[beach]

Since she's not mentally present - but altered - she's sick. And if she's unwilling to change that - you will have no choice but to divorce.

 

Do NOT leave your kids with her for one minute! She's not in her right mind.

 

You, of all people should know what that's like.

 

Pray for her - as she is sick.

 

Without a clear mind - it's best for you to stay safe and keep your kids with you.

 

Her anger? It's normal for her circumstances! But no need for YOU to stay and choose to live with that!

[littlejaz]

I agree with the other 2 posters. You need to get out. My STBXH is addicted to prescription meds and is angry and hateful all the time. I finally came to the conclusion that he wants to be unhappy. And just couldn't deal with it anymore. As hard as it is, life is so much better when you get the toxic out of your life.

 

Good luck and keep posting. It helps to talk to others who have been through similar situations.

[revitup]

Second nature yes I have been exactly there Alex,VA 15 yrs.

 

ADHD and STBXWW took Ritalin for no reason ( I take it but to slow down) way down.

 

AA in Alexandria Va - Serenity Club back then-open 24 hrs!

 

Also I could never do anything at all right.Believe me it doesn't matter sometimes which way you go-they will find a way to spin your best intentions.

 

You have a tough road ahead no matter what you do or don't do.

 

I say read as much as you can bear of the stories here and you will (Like AA) I think you will find a story to relate to and draw some confidence.

 

Keep posting

 

REVITUP