Question for Cheaters..

[totellornot]

I am curious as to what factors actually led for you to cheat? Was there a catalyst event or point in the beginning stages-- the decision making process before cheating that you knew there was no going back? At what point did you realize.. "wow, yep, I am cheating"?

 

How did you stop or are you still doing it? Would you date someone that has done what you've done?

 

PLEASE ONLY THOSE WHO HAVE CHEATED. I do not want people in here flaming me or those who do respond.

[lookingglass88]

Nothing justifies cheating. But I'd say I can definitely see what led to my experience. I was in a long distance relationship and feeling controlled and under-appreciated by my partner-who was always jealous for no good reason. So I started confiding in someone else. Soon this new friendship clearly was becoming more-I was talking to this guy a lot and my partner less. Took a break from my partner because I thought I needed space-but wasn't trying to cheat. Got drunk one night, cheated, felt awful about it the next day. I broke up with him, because I thought if I had cheated it meant I didn't love him. After the incident didn't hook up with anyone, though. Months later...definitely not true. I regret all my decisions and wish I had tried to work things out back then. I'm still trying to work them out now, but he doesn't seem to want me back/think things will ever work because of trust issues and long-distance, etc.

 

I wish I had confided more in my partner.

 

I would definitely date someone who had done what I did. How could I not? I don't want to be defined by my mistake for the rest of my life. I don't think anyone else should be either.

[MasonJarTeaDrinker]

It's hard to explain, I think all people cheat for different reasons. I for example currently have a GF didn't even get close to cheating for three years. Last year though at some seasonal job I met a girl super pretty that also had a BF and we both knew that we were taken so we were able to get comfortable with each other without things getting awkward since we knew we were off limits.

 

Well a month past and we would go eat together and the last day of the job I couldn't help It because she was just too damn hot and cool and I would kill myself later if I didn't go for it.

 

Well fast forward a year from that point we have sex at least once a week, both of us still keeping it from our partners.

 

Honestly I did it because I didn't want to miss out on such a hot chick, and now I keep doing it because well the sex is better and honestly I'm too much of a coward to dump my current GF. Plus now I have feelings for this girl but I feel bad and don't want to hurt my GF's feelings but I also get guilt trips over it so I'm kinda stuck.

 

Also I wouldn't want to date someone who has done what I have done because, honestly I would probably do it again now that I cheated once already.

[AlphaC]

I cheated on a girl one time, this woman was still not over her ex and her ex's would text and email her. She never told these men she was taken, instead she would say she was too busy with work. I treated this girl like a queen and felt she didn't appreciate me. We had sex often, but I felt her heart was not into me, I felt like I was her rebound. Prior to this gf, I had been sleeping with another woman. This other woman was just a FWB. This FWB was in love with me and pursued me like a passion. I told her I had a GF and never tried to hide it. However I started to have doubts about my GF and the FWB one day asked to talk because she wanted closure, she left me with a happy ending, literally. After that first fling I felt really guilty, I felt like i was living a double life. The FWB knew how much I cared for my GF but she wanted to break us up. She threatened to tell my GF if I didn't continue to sleep with her and after the 3rd rendezvous I cut her off. Soon thereafter she exposed me and told my GF. My gf was hurt and I went to counseling, admitted my feelings and the reason for my indiscretions. I didn't want to leave my gf, a part of me was just scared that she would leave me and go back to her ex. I must add that I never sought this other woman, i had absolutely no feelings for the FWB.

 

Would I date someone like myself, absolutely, i am smart, tall dark and handsome and I have a big heart, I am human, we all make mistakes. I would rather deal with cheating while I am dating someone than when I'm married and have kids. People who say once a cheater always a cheater are morons in my book. How many people do you know who were drug addicts or smokers and later quit? How many criminals do you know that went on to live a good life, free of crime? (just look at the US Congress, lol). These people made a conscious decision to change and did just that, it was a desire to change for the better.

 

Do people change, absolutely, people change all the time if they want to. I don't think I will ever cheat again after that episode, I learned to open up to my partner, communication is key. For those that were cheated on, ask yourself this question, is this a person that I value as a friend, does this person bring more to the table than that minor indiscretion, can i work with him or her and have a better life? Would this person make a good companion or should I let my ego, my pride keep me away from the human being that I love and care for? If you realize this person does not fit in your life's plan, the cheating did you both a favor. The cheating helped you both realize that you were not compatible. One partner was a caring human while the other sought perfection.

 

To everyone that has made a mistake in life and in a relationship, consider your acts human. And to all the cheaters out there, it's an eye opening experience, you must cheat once in your life to experience it. The man or woman who loves you will not leave you if it's just an isolated incident, trust me on that.

Edited December 6, 2013 by AlphaC

[Got it]

I am curious as to what factors actually led for you to cheat? Was there a catalyst event or point in the beginning stages-- the decision making process before cheating that you knew there was no going back? At what point did you realize.. "wow, yep, I am cheating"?

 

How did you stop or are you still doing it? Would you date someone that has done what you've done?

 

PLEASE ONLY THOSE WHO HAVE CHEATED. I do not want people in here flaming me or those who do respond.

 

I think there is a long road of slippery slope to get to the point of cheating. So I can look back now and see it decades old that led to me cheating on my (then) husband. There were also unhealthy habits in our marriage that gave room to it. But on a larger scale, very disconnected, living pretty separate lives ( I had friends who had never met him as he didn't like to go out), refusing to go to therapy to work on our marriage, almost no sex life, and ultimately my career taking off and internal processing that I was done with my marriage and going to need to divorce.

 

I cheated on him and I left a few weeks later. To have sex with another man (as my husband was the only person I had ever slept with) meant I was done with the marriage and there was no going back nor did I have any interest in maintaining the two. So we divorced.

 

I can see coping mechanisms and dysfunction on both of our parents going back to our childhood, I see a lot of room for improvement that we could have done, I actually see the many flags on my end that we actually should have never gotten back together in college, never married, etc. and how we lost a great friendship because we continued to push the romantic relationship.

 

Ultimately I see a lot of selfishness and lack of honesty on my part with him and with myself throughout our relationship.

[Kate9292]

I cheated on my first bf because he was my first sexual partner and I wanted to see what it's like with another guy.

 

I did not repeat it for obvious reasons.

 

I'd have no problem dating a former cheater. Though maybe I'd rather have open relationship with them anyway. Can't cheat when it's agreed upon it isn't cheating.

[Katiee01]

I just posted today about a cheating issue I am having.

 

 

Personally for me my boyfriend is absent and I'm really lonely. I made a mistake and made out with a guy friend. We had been fighting for a really long time but I think the problem is neither of us wants to break up but neither of us are happy in the relationship. We had a big fight because I feel like he doesn't love me then two days later boom I kissed someone else.

[Fireknight]

I was very happy with my girlfriend, but she started being selfish and demanding. She was always complaining about everything I did. One day, to make things worse, I found out that she had other dates while we were starting to see each other (we were not really envolved or attached at that time, but finding it out hurt me anyway). Everything led to a point in which I decided that I could see other women by her back. I did it a few times, flirting with one or two girls and, after all, I started hanging out with some friends and had sex with hookers a few times. I know many people may find it disgusting, but I'm being honest here. If anyone asks me, I think cheating is wrong.

 

Anyway, answering "totellornot", in my case, there was a point in which I clearly decided to cheat.

[OhGeesh]

^When I was a philanderer it was solely for variety new woman, new experience, the little difference is what did it for me. Then 4-8 weeks later I would look for another one.

 

It was never to find someone better just the icing on the cake.

 

It was very hard to stop!!

[Fireknight]

^When I was a philanderer it was solely for variety new woman, new experience, the little difference is what did it for me. Then 4-8 weeks later I would look for another one.

 

It was never to find someone better just the icing on the cake.

 

It was very hard to stop!!

 

 

And did you stop?

 

Once in a while I still feel the urge for variety.

[gabgab]

Pretty much all men will cheat at some point. Women cheat due to their boyfriends becoming bad in bed or them becoming emotionally neglectful/inattentive. Men cheat because they cannot pass up a hot new woman who is different than their current gf which sucks for us women because one of us will NEVER be enough for a man. Behind every hot wife is a man tired of screwing her. I mean look at all these men that have responded supporting this statement.

 

Men are biologically wired to cheat and will always become bored of their gf/wife even if she stays in shape and is a great gf/wife. That is how men are wired and women are dumb to ever trust one. Their biology makes them untrustworthy. Women are not wired for sexual variety, they cheat more when something is missing.

[splitscreen]

What a question huh? Why? For me, it was a sense of salvation. I've been married 23 years to an abusive man. Emotionally, verbally, physically, etc. And I just go on and on. One day after a particularly ugly night, a "friend of the family" came over to bring some stuff we needed. My husband was not home. I have known this other man for more than 20 years. He is also been married about the same (20 years). My husband was always careful not to leave any marks on my face and I am a modest person so my body is always covered. So business as usual, I can put on my smile. But for some reason, I just lost it. He came in and I just hugged him. He just stood there hugging me, asking if I was ok. Well we started kissing and then I frantically pushed him out the door. I was mortified. So, long story short we have been seeing each other for the last three years. We talk daily and sex weekly depending on what is going on. I must say it is killing me, it is truly living a double life. He claims he loves me and I love him but he isn't going to leave is wife, I know. He says he doesn't love her but she will destroy his business and everything else he has worked hard for. So I don't know. I have never cheated before and he claims he hasn't either so I don't know. So life goes on...at some point we will be found out so what happens from there who knows.

[CrystalCastles]

Pretty much all men will cheat at some point. Women cheat due to their boyfriends becoming bad in bed or them becoming emotionally neglectful/inattentive. Men cheat because they cannot pass up a hot new woman who is different than their current gf which sucks for us women because one of us will NEVER be enough for a man. Behind every hot wife is a man tired of screwing her. I mean look at all these men that have responded supporting this statement.

 

Men are biologically wired to cheat and will always become bored of their gf/wife even if she stays in shape and is a great gf/wife. That is how men are wired and women are dumb to ever trust one. Their biology makes them untrustworthy. Women are not wired for sexual variety, they cheat more when something is missing.

 

This makes no sense whatsoever. All men will cheat at some point? Huh? Is that a stat from somewhere? Can you show me where you got this "fact"? Or did you pull it out of your a$$?

 

All these "men" are cake-eating cowards. They do not represent all men. My dad has never even dreamed of cheating on my mom. They've been together for 25 years, and you can still see how madly in love with each other they are. My best friend, a guy, has been dating his current gf for 5 years and has never cheated (believe me, he'd tell me if he had). If women are to believe your "facts", what would be the point in dating?

 

If a man is a cheating, unstrustworthy POS, that's on him. It doesn't define the whole male population. I know there are trustworthy, quality men out there because I know them. You sound bitter, frankly.

[Dan.90]

Pretty much all men will cheat at some point. Women cheat due to their boyfriends becoming bad in bed or them becoming emotionally neglectful/inattentive. Men cheat because they cannot pass up a hot new woman who is different than their current gf which sucks for us women because one of us will NEVER be enough for a man. Behind every hot wife is a man tired of screwing her. I mean look at all these men that have responded supporting this statement.

 

Men are biologically wired to cheat and will always become bored of their gf/wife even if she stays in shape and is a great gf/wife. That is how men are wired and women are dumb to ever trust one. Their biology makes them untrustworthy. Women are not wired for sexual variety, they cheat more when something is missing.

Sorry to hear you had bad experiences with men because those are the statements a misandrist would make. I really hope you find a man that loves and respects you. Don't lose hope. He can find him when you least expect it.

 

I've been cheated on not so long ago and still not over it. And yes I've happily rejected an attractive girl that took off her shirt at a party, was walking towards me and still didn't cheat. My then gf on the other hand, couldn't resist taking off her pants for my childhood friend. Surprisingly some women don't have self-control either. Cheaters are selfish people who put their needs ahead of the other person's feelings. BTW there was nothing missing in the relationship and we would communicate on a constantly basis. She still cheated either way. I would have rather have her dump me than cheat. I didn't ask for that and certainly did nothing to deserve going through all this. As bad as I'm feeling, I still want to date when I'm ready and settle down in the near future.

Edited December 9, 2013 by Dan.90

[painfullyobvious]

Pretty much all men will cheat at some point. Women cheat due to their boyfriends becoming bad in bed or them becoming emotionally neglectful/inattentive. Men cheat because they cannot pass up a hot new woman who is different than their current gf which sucks for us women because one of us will NEVER be enough for a man. Behind every hot wife is a man tired of screwing her. I mean look at all these men that have responded supporting this statement.

 

Men are biologically wired to cheat and will always become bored of their gf/wife even if she stays in shape and is a great gf/wife. That is how men are wired and women are dumb to ever trust one. Their biology makes them untrustworthy. Women are not wired for sexual variety, they cheat more when something is missing.

 

 

 

Holy stereotyping... My ex was a bottomless pit of emotional needs and no matter what I did she was never happy. Before you tell me I must have sucked in bed or been neglectful let me say that after I quit reconciling with her, several of her friends pursued me after I started dating again because they liked how I treated my ex even when she treated me like dirt. I ended up marrying one of her friends; well ex-friends. Lesson, even if your current partner treats you like dirt there may be a person out there lurking waiting for you knowing how special you are.

[gabgab]

Holy stereotyping... My ex was a bottomless pit of emotional needs and no matter what I did she was never happy. Before you tell me I must have sucked in bed or been neglectful let me say that after I quit reconciling with her, several of her friends pursued me after I started dating again because they liked how I treated my ex even when she treated me like dirt. I ended up marrying one of her friends; well ex-friends. Lesson, even if your current partner treats you like dirt there may be a person out there lurking waiting for you knowing how special you are.

 

There is no man on this planet who would say no to sex presented to him by a hot woman when he is in a relationship (if he knew he'd never get caught) Those men dont exist.

[KathyM]

There is no man on this planet who would say no to sex presented to him by a hot woman when he is in a relationship (if he knew he'd never get caught) Those men dont exist.

Bull****. There are men who actually love their wives or SO, and would not want to hurt or betray them. There are men who also have standards of behavior for themselves and would not stoop so low. Some men actually aspire to something more than just a walking dick that is guided by impulse.

[MrMeh]

At a girl Kathy. Get'em!

[liloldlady]

There is no man on this planet who would say no to sex presented to him by a hot woman when he is in a relationship (if he knew he'd never get caught)

 

I guess there's one night cheating stands, and long term fully carrying on another relationship cheating. From what I hear, one is infinitely worse than the other.

[liloldlady]

Some men actually aspire to something more than just a walking dick that is guided by impulse.

 

Some aspire toward it, and I've heard one say he wants to do it sooner rather than later. Maybe it's like an addiction.

[gabgab]

I sense a bitter, irrational, and most likely rotund feminist

 

calling me fat? I'm 5'4 117 lbs thank you very much.

 

All the men here calling me bitter would cheat if presented the right opportunity, so I don't care. A lot of men who cheat say they would never do it.

[taylei]

For one.... Don't talk about being a feminist like it's a negative until you actually know what being a feminist actually means. It's not about hating on men. Take a class and get educated.

 

And.. I wish I could make sense as to why I cheated. I think I had been neglected for so long that when someone finally gave me certain attention that made me feel wanted and sexy, it kind of overtook me. It's hard to explain. I've never been able to make chemistry with a person if it wasn't there and it sure wasn't to begin with but it kinda found me after being called beautiful on a daily.. That's something I was always missing... Being romanced and when I got it and felt like someone just wanted me and that I was as sexy as sexy got I don't know what came over me. Doesn't justify anything but I felt neglected and nothing I said when I communicated got me anywhere so I decided to not communicate anymore and get what I wasn't receiving elsewhere but couldn't bring myself to end my relationship because I wasn't sure if that's what I wanted either.

[Shocksock]

There is no man on this planet who would say no to sex presented to him by a hot woman when he is in a relationship (if he knew he'd never get caught) Those men dont exist.

 

Women in relationships have never done this...