Would meeting this woman be a mistake?

[Leeway Harris]

A couple of months ago, I reactivated my OKC account (I know, I know). I got a few messages, but nothing I really wanted to pursue. But one profile actually caught my eye. I decided to go ahead and write her. I also gave her a high "rating", just in case she rated me highly as well, which would trigger a "match" email... you all know how it works.

 

Well, we "matched". She actually wrote me before checking her mail, so her first message to me was written before she even knew I wrote her. So, I wrote her back, suggesting we meet for some coffee, no response. 24 hours go by, I write again, saying "Or, maybe we could chat on the phone, that would be cool too." She writes back, "How do you feel about texting?"

 

So, we start texting. And texting. And texting. Every time I begin to get near the subject of meeting in person, she kind of fades away. Now, the obvious thing to do in that situation is to give up, right? She's just not that into me. And yet, she keeps texting me?

 

Finally, I decided to give it one more shot. I flat out said to her "I'm free Saturday, would you want to meet?"

 

This is where it gets weird. She says, and I paraphrase, "Yeah, maybe. I'm shy about meeting new people though, so I make it hard for myself."

 

I respond "That's ok, me too. We can just have some coffee and chat, no pressure, no expectations."

 

She says "Why are you shy about meeting people?"

 

I say "I don't know, why are you? lol"

 

She says "Because people are judgemental, especially about looks, and I'm different-looking. I'm a big girl and that bothers some people, and they can be really mean, and reject you for it."

 

So, I text back "Ok, I'm not sure what to do with that. If you'd like to think it over before we make plans, I'll understand."

 

She says "No, I want to meet you, I'm just telling you why I'm nervous about it."

 

We say we'll talk about it later, sign off and go to bed.

 

I feel like her insecurity is a bad sign. She came off so confident in her profile, that's one of the reasons I messaged her. I have some recent experience of being in a relationship where I was held COMPLETELY responsible for the other party's self-esteem. I do not want that again.

 

I obviously already knew what she looked like when I messaged her. Why would she bring that up before we even made plans? I feel like I'm setting myself up to get sucked into somebody's inner emotional drama. I don't know whether to continue trying to set something up or let it go. What do you guys think?

[d0nnivain]

You won't know until you meet her but then you are going to feel equally bad if you don't like her once you meet her.

 

 

I "met" a guy on another dating site & he didn't have a picture. We went back & forth a while before he "trusted" me enough to send a picture. I wouldn't meet him without one. He had on a hat & it was far away. He'd already clued me in that he was very insecure about his looks so against my better instincts, I met him. he was nice enough in person but I just didn't feel that spark. I agonized over how to let him down gently without feeding into his defeatist attitude that it's all about looks which was kind of hypocritical on my part because it was about his looks. It's a no win but I couldn't date a man when I wasn't attracted to him.

[bentleychic]

Perhaps her pics are not as current and do not show what she looks like at the moment?

 

I'm super shy about meeting people, too and second guess myself constantly. I'd probably be similar if I were ever in that situation. I am extremely self conscious, shy and awkward when I meet new people.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

Finally, I decided to give it one more shot. I flat out said to her "I'm free Saturday, would you want to meet?"

 

This is where it gets weird. She says, and I paraphrase, "Yeah, maybe. I'm shy about meeting new people though, so I make it hard for myself."

 

I respond "That's ok, me too. We can just have some coffee and chat, no pressure, no expectations."

 

She says "Why are you shy about meeting people?"

 

I say "I don't know, why are you? lol"

 

She says "Because people are judgemental, especially about looks, and I'm different-looking. I'm a big girl and that bothers some people, and they can be really mean, and reject you for it."

 

So, I text back "Ok, I'm not sure what to do with that. If you'd like to think it over before we make plans, I'll understand."

 

She says "No, I want to meet you, I'm just telling you why I'm nervous about it."

 

We say we'll talk about it later, sign off and go to bed.

 

I feel like her insecurity is a bad sign. She came off so confident in her profile, that's one of the reasons I messaged her. I have some recent experience of being in a relationship where I was held COMPLETELY responsible for the other party's self-esteem. I do not want that again.

 

I obviously already knew what she looked like when I messaged her. Why would she bring that up before we even made plans? I feel like I'm setting myself up to get sucked into somebody's inner emotional drama. I don't know whether to continue trying to set something up or let it go. What do you guys think?

 

 

WOW - I think you are missing something that is glaring, and right in front of you, that you were supposed to recognize:

 

 

Indeed she is likely insecure... but nothing could be more comforting to her than to ***know*** that you are expecting exactly the woman who is going to show up and sit across the table from you.

 

And the internet is at it's very best when inspiring such people to get out and socialize and participate in the world around them!!!

 

 

If this woman evolved ideally, she can now go from the hesitant, unsure, and insecure facade that has so often been her social persona, to a rare scenario where she approaches with some confidence that might snowball for as long as either of you could need it!!

 

 

Meet her, and facilitate her comfort.

Edited December 6, 2013 by SincereOnlineGuy

[Leeway Harris]

I "met" a guy on another dating site & he didn't have a picture. We went back & forth a while before he "trusted" me enough to send a picture. I wouldn't meet him without one. He had on a hat & it was far away. He'd already clued me in that he was very insecure about his looks so against my better instincts, I met him. he was nice enough in person but I just didn't feel that spark. I agonized over how to let him down gently without feeding into his defeatist attitude that it's all about looks which was kind of hypocritical on my part because it was about his looks. It's a no win but I couldn't date a man when I wasn't attracted to him.

That sounds like a sad situation. However, like I said, I already know what this woman looks like, and I have no reason to believe her pictures aren't reasonably current. She even texted me a couple of pics that weren't on her profile.

 

WOW - I think you are missing something that is glaring, and right in front of you, that you were supposed to recognize:

 

 

Indeed she is likely insecure... but nothing could be more comforting to her than to ***know*** that you are expecting exactly the woman who is going to show up and sit across the table from you.

 

And the internet is at it's very best when inspiring such people to get out and socialize and participate in the world around them!!!

 

 

If this woman evolved ideally, she can now go from the hesitant, unsure, and insecure facade that has so often been her social persona, to a rare scenario where she approaches with some confidence that might snowball for as long as either of you could need it!!

 

 

Meet her, and facilitate her comfort.

I'm not sure I'm reading this post correctly, but I think you're saying I should meet this woman because it would help her with her emotional issues, if indeed she does have them.

 

I wrote her because I thought she was pretty, and I liked some of the stuff she said in her profile. I'm not trying to save her, or cure her, or be her knight in shining armor who rescues her from loneliness.

 

I finally feel like I'm recovering from a bad breakup I had a year ago, and I'm trying to keep things light and breezy right now. I think I'm going to try to meet her, I'll just have to be careful. And more honest than I've ever been.

[Neville107]

Leeway -

 

"Perhaps her pics are not as current and do not show what she looks like at the moment?"

 

I'm with BentleyChic on this one. I think she has put on some weight and the photos she has shown you are old and you're going to be surprised at what she really looks like. Think about it - if those photos she has posted are recent, why would she be so fearful of meeting in person?

 

She's fearful because she has something to hide. Meet with her on the off chance Bentley and I are wrong, but I don't think so. Be prepared to see a heavy weight and get some "I've put on a few pounds recently" excuse. Anyways, good luck.

[pteromom]

She's fearful because she is afraid of being rejected. She's texted with you enough to know she's interested in you, and she doesn't want to be hurt.

 

I would text her back and tell her you want to meet. That you already know what she looks like and if you weren't attracted to her, you wouldn't have messaged her.

 

If that calms her down, you are good to go.

 

I think it is too early to tell yet. Meet her!

[BOREDouttaMymind]

can you say complex?

 

I swear, if you hang with this girl, youre going to come back in a year and post, "Why the heck did I get myself involved with her?"

 

..in which I will reply, "Told ya".

 

..change the future man. don't do it.

 

control whats in your pants. shes bad news.

[Leeway Harris]

can you say complex?

 

I swear, if you hang with this girl, youre going to come back in a year and post, "Why the heck did I get myself involved with her?"

 

..in which I will reply, "Told ya".

 

..change the future man. don't do it.

 

control whats in your pants. shes bad news.

 

God, you're right. This is exactly what my instincts were telling me. If she's making it this difficult for me before we've even spoken on the phone, what could I possibly expect from a meeting, let alone a relationship? Did I mention I tried to call her? I left a message, said I'd like to know what her voice sounded like. She never called me back. She just wanted to keep texting.

 

If she has deep insecurities, I'm sympathetic to that. But for my own sake, I can't make that my business. I've made it my business in the past when I shouldn't have (probably because I was so insecure myself, and subconsciously seeking the same in someone else) and paid dearly for it. It's time to start surrounding myself with better energies. Thanks BORED, and everyone for your input, I really appreciate it.

[Iguanna]

Imagine what this poor woman has gone through in order to be that much scared of how a stranger may react... I feel so deeply sorry, and for the extra reason that she will receive your denial to meet her as she was feared: that you backed off cause she is overweight. She won't understand or believe (even if you tell her) that the reason is that you don't want an insecure person. We can't blame an insecure person for being insecure due to the treatment they have received from other people. We have to support them and try to change this feeling they have. If you are not ready to do this compromise this early on a possible relationship, then you'd better leave her alone to find someone who is not thinking only about himself. How would you feel if a woman you would meet would be so unsympathetic about YOUR insecurities? (I'm sure you have some, we all do).

[Teraskas]

Sort of on the fence about this.

Ultimately it is your call.

 

However, I can certainly relate to the topic.

Sure, I don't come off as scared as she does, but subconsciously I do always have the fear of rejection sitting in the back of my mind.

Particularly because every woman I meet seems to have these ridiculous standards and tends to reject me for the smallest, most insignificant detail, hah.