I am such a naive idiot!

[AnyaNova]

Yeah, you are working yourself into a lather for no real reason. I don't even know how to give a soulful look and don't even know what that is. I'm guessing he wasn't doing that at all. He thought you were cute, maybe looked over in your direction, who knows. Either way, you are taking this way too seriously and might be getting a little carried away here. Either way, he's married, nothing happened, no big whoop, move forward. You have devoted way too much thought to this.

 

It's not like you hooked up with the guy. It's not like you guys did anything borderline inappropriate. A "look" doesn't mean a single thing. Sometimes you have to turn that brain off. It's taking you to places that you don't need to go.

 

First of all, I know that everything I went through with my ex is causing me to overreact to this. I know this. That knowledge, though, isn't helping me stop feeling sad.

 

Second of all, I have spent a good deal of time studying Ekman's work. And practicing learning to read faces and facial expressions more deeply.

 

The look at the door was definitely one of sadness. There is no doubt about it. Now, just because you know what someone is feeling as given away by their face, does not, of course, mean that you know why they are feeling it. The only thing, though, that I can surmise, since he was looking at me while having this expression, is that it somehow related to me. I don't think that is an unfair conclusion.

 

And thirdly, I do need to devote some amount of thought to this, so I can prevent a similar thing in the future.

 

My brain really doesn't have an off switch. Though believe me, there have been times that I have really wanted one.

 

I know I am overreacting.

 

I know that most people don't attach as much meaning to those sorts of things that I do. I also know that the person I would want to be with, would attach meaning to those sorts of things, so if he didn't, than obviously he is not actually a guy that I would want to be with.

 

I know.

 

Unfortunately, said knowledge does not do much to change how I feel.

[AnyaNova]

I dont think its an over reaction. Over reaction would be like telling, why didnt you tell me you were married ahole??

 

More than likely he will be coming back for more though. Several types of guys out there. The really charming ones are the ones that always approach, I lost my ex to one of these, and he is married. Thinking of it makes my blood boil.

 

I suspect that that he won't, actually. I suspect that that night he realized a boundary had been crossed that shouldn't have, somehow, hence the sad look. I think he made his choice. I don't think he will anymore.

 

But I do not intend on giving him enough attention even to find that out.

 

I am sorry you lost your ex to a jerkly married man!

 

The thing is, is that I'm pretty sure this guy isn't a jerk. The one thing I don't do, is fall for jerks in any way, shape, or form.

[AnyaNova]

Use this to adjust your model of how you think people should react to things.

 

If someone is not so competent in handling these situations, and they don't behave the way you imagine someone should act, you have to be forgiving. Flirting is a gray area for many people. Not everyone has clearly defined rules as to what is considered "too far".

 

It's one of those situations where both people have to feel it out. Seriously, if you flirted with me without knowing if I was married, I would need more information before I started drawing lines in the sand. I want to be sure that you aren't just being nice. Having insecurity issues, I might even worry about how an admission of being married would sound to someone whose intentions may be harmless or even innocent. Would they laugh at me because I read too much into their flirty style?

 

Like if a woman tells me I'm cute, my response would not be "My wife thinks so too!". If she wanted my number, wanted to go out for coffee, made inappropriate physical contact, contacted me on FB, or we discuss our personal lives, then I'd know absolutely that something needs to be said.

 

People make mistakes, people get confused, and people usually see more when looking back. Some people see flirting as "greasing the wheels", helping them accomplish goals while making interaction fun. He may not have known exactly how to judge you. If he's shy like you say, he may have trouble being forthcoming with personal details. He may not have seen a necessity.

 

I think, on the whole, it is just really bad timing, for me, and where I was at emotionally with the whole ex deal.

 

I think part of it too, is that I know that I want a really shy, deeply introverted man. The thing is, there aren't that many of them around to begin with, and there are even fewer single at my age or older.

 

But see, it really does sound like you would find a way to slip in, in a way that wouldn't cause the woman in question to lose face, that you were married.

 

It is just starting to feel like I should never ever hope for anything at all anymore, because anytime I do, they get dashed and I get hurt.

 

I don't know why I am reacting to this so strongly. I can make some conjectures, but I really fundamentally do not know. And trying to just tell myself I'm giving him too much real estate isn't helping.

 

And I know now, to not assume that anything means anything at all, ever.

 

I think my trust right now is at an all time low, and that is really saying something.

[AnyaNova]

Update: Stupid day confusion.

 

For some reason, I am so tired, that for a good portion of this morning I have been thinking its Wednesday. Meaning that I would be still close enough in to my B vitamin shots that it couldn't possibly be the B vitamins (even though my eyes started to get a little yellowish again last night, haven't checked them again this morning).

 

But it is Friday (obviously).

 

I don't know if my overreaction to this is B vitamin related or not, but I am about to take a b complex and find out!

 

If it is, I will have a very good laugh, if not mostly for the fact that I have been saying that I've been getting sick of the crashes taking me back to my ex.

 

Well. It seems like I'll have a new crash subject, which on the one hand, given how little a little eye-flirting and some talking means in the grand scale of things is more than slightly embarrassing, but on the other hand, I was getting tired of the former, so it'll have a new flavor I suppose.

 

I will post again when I know.

[AnyaNova]

Is there possibly one single thing in my life that bothers me, that I overreact to. That doesn't turn out to be a smokescreen.dor low b vitiamins????

 

Just once in my life could it be the psychosocial and not just the freakung bio in the biopsychosocial model????

 

My eyes were more yellow, my mood symptoms were getting a lot more severe.

I have gotten b vitamin shots again.

 

I tend to suspect that as he evening progresses, I won't find myself getting sadder and sadder. Rather the opposite.

 

This is exhausting.

[Simon Phoenix]

First of all, I know that everything I went through with my ex is causing me to overreact to this. I know this. That knowledge, though, isn't helping me stop feeling sad.

 

Second of all, I have spent a good deal of time studying Ekman's work. And practicing learning to read faces and facial expressions more deeply.

 

The look at the door was definitely one of sadness. There is no doubt about it. Now, just because you know what someone is feeling as given away by their face, does not, of course, mean that you know why they are feeling it. The only thing, though, that I can surmise, since he was looking at me while having this expression, is that it somehow related to me. I don't think that is an unfair conclusion.

 

And thirdly, I do need to devote some amount of thought to this, so I can prevent a similar thing in the future.

 

My brain really doesn't have an off switch. Though believe me, there have been times that I have really wanted one.

 

I know I am overreacting.

 

I know that most people don't attach as much meaning to those sorts of things that I do. I also know that the person I would want to be with, would attach meaning to those sorts of things, so if he didn't, than obviously he is not actually a guy that I would want to be with.

 

I know.

 

Unfortunately, said knowledge does not do much to change how I feel.

 

He could have been sad about something else and looked in your direction but was looking past you. I've done that before. Either way, just way, way, way too much overanalyzation here. Paralysis through analysis.

 

I'm really not sure what you are trying to prevent here -- are you trying to prevent yourself from flirting with men? Or just married men? If it's the former, I don't see why -- big deal, it didn't work out, there will be more. If it's the latter, just look for the wedding ring on the left hand. Easy peasy. I mean, I'm a thinker too, but sometimes you have to block out the white noise, focus on the meat of the matter and move forward. You exchange glances, a few words, he's married, game over. Nothing to analyze, you didn't do anything wrong, if he was wearing his wedding ring he wasn't exactly openly deceiving you either. But yeah, it's a speed bump and not everything has this epic backstory or results in a huge epiphany. A lot of times the simplest solution (he looked at you because you were pretty and was flattered by your attention) is all that's needed. I think this is one of those cases.

[AnyaNova]

He could have been sad about something else and looked in your direction but was looking past you. I've done that before. Either way, just way, way, way too much overanalyzation here. Paralysis through analysis.

 

I'm really not sure what you are trying to prevent here -- are you trying to prevent yourself from flirting with men? Or just married men? If it's the former, I don't see why -- big deal, it didn't work out, there will be more. If it's the latter, just look for the wedding ring on the left hand. Easy peasy. I mean, I'm a thinker too, but sometimes you have to block out the white noise, focus on the meat of the matter and move forward. You exchange glances, a few words, he's married, game over. Nothing to analyze, you didn't do anything wrong, if he was wearing his wedding ring he wasn't exactly openly deceiving you either. But yeah, it's a speed bump and not everything has this epic backstory or results in a huge epiphany. A lot of times the simplest solution (he looked at you because you were pretty and was flattered by your attention) is all that's needed. I think this is one of those cases.

 

I really actually can tell when somebody is looking past me or actually making eye contact with me.

 

But basically what I am looking for, is to prevent flirting again with a married man. And as a friend of mine pointed out, just looking at the finger isn't always enough. Many men, depending on their jobs or passionate hobbies, choose not to wear them.

 

Also, I will point out that he sought my attention to begin with. but essentially the bullet points are there.

[JoelBarish]

My dear Anya,

 

I can relate to your experience. So often I've looked across a crowded room and fantasized about a pretty girl. I imagined all the wonderful qualities she might have had but if I had simply talked to her I may well have been repulsed by her personality. I guess the moral of the story is conversation isn't just a way to form a connection, it's also a tool to find out if your fantasy crush actually meets your criteria.

[AnyaNova]

My dear Anya,

 

I can relate to your experience. So often I've looked across a crowded room and fantasized about a pretty girl. I imagined all the wonderful qualities she might have had but if I had simply talked to her I may well have been repulsed by her personality. I guess the moral of the story is conversation isn't just a way to form a connection, it's also a tool to find out if your fantasy crush actually meets your criteria.

 

O I C.

 

You're saying that he arranged that conversation, and was repulsed, then by my less than stellar personality?

[GeneralJennyJenn]

Hey AnyaNova (By the way I love how you use Nova in your name, I used to use SuperNova-but spelled a little differently for my SN but didn't want the ex able to find me so I switched to the one I am using now).

 

Anyways I live in NYC and the men here are very forward. But sad to say most of them just want sex so I am very leery of any guy in the beginning of the 'I like you, you like me...' because for the past 2 years that's mostly what happens. I think oh this guy likes me, maybe its the beginning of something but it is usually all about how I look and can they bang me? I am not trying to sound egoistical and oddly for most of my life men paid me no attention as I was one of the 'guys.' Then suddenly since my breakup I get men telling me all the time how pretty I am and blah blah blah. They can be difficult to trust. I also don't think all men are bad but its been kind of hard to find men with substance beyond the physical aspects.

 

My point in all of this is, whenever meeting anyone new, take your time and let them prove to you they're worth your time. If a guy really likes you, he will let you know. But then its up to you to make sure its for the right reasons. Not to build up their egos (like JoelBarish wrote above about their fantasy) or to give them a little something extra on the side. You should be the center of their universe and with both of my long term exes it was clear from the git go they wanted me for me (the whole package).

 

I would take this experience and look at it as a stepping stone to better men and yeah maybe check the ring finger in the future

Edited December 7, 2013 by GeneralJennyJenn

[JoelBarish]

O I C.

 

You're saying that he arranged that conversation, and was repulsed, then by my less than stellar personality?

 

Yes that's exactly what I am saying

 

You know darn well what I meant...you would have found out and been repulsed by him being married if you had more than one conversation with him instead of having a fantasy relationship with him in your head.

 

Brat

[AnyaNova]

Yes that's exactly what I am saying

 

You know darn well what I meant...you would have found out and been repulsed by him being married if you had more than one conversation with him instead of having a fantasy relationship with him in your head.

 

Brat

 

But, see, fantasy relationships in your head are ever so much safer.

 

And you are right. I would have been repulsed by his being married, and if I'd talked to him more than the one time, I am sure I would have found out.

 

Brat? Moi ?

[AnyaNova]

]

Hey AnyaNova (By the way I love how you use Nova in your name, I used to use SuperNova-but spelled a little differently for my SN but didn't want the ex able to find me so I switched to the one I am using now).

 

Anyways I live in NYC and the men here are very forward. But sad to say most of them just want sex so I am very leery of any guy in the beginning of the 'I like you, you like me...' because for the past 2 years that's mostly what happens. I think oh this guy likes me, maybe its the beginning of something but it is usually all about how I look and can they bang me? I am not trying to sound egoistical and oddly for most of my life men paid me no attention as I was one of the 'guys.' Then suddenly since my breakup I get men telling me all the time how pretty I am and blah blah blah. They can be difficult to trust. I also don't think all men are bad but its been kind of hard to find men with substance beyond the physical aspects.

 

My point in all of this is, whenever meeting anyone new, take your time and let them prove to you they're worth your time. If a guy really likes you, he will let you know. But then its up to you to make sure its for the right reasons. Not to build up their egos (like JoelBarish wrote above about their fantasy) or to give them a little something extra on the side. You should be the center of their universe and with both of my long term exes it was clear from the git go they wanted me for me (the whole package).

 

I would take this experience and look at it as a stepping stone to better men and yeah maybe check the ring finger in the future

 

The irony of my screen name, and the reason I'm sure that I had Nova on the brain, is because at the time we were learning about Anovas ( a kind of statistical test). What really drives me nuts is my subconscious sense of humor.

 

Even though I didn't realize it at the time, Anya being a screen name I've used before, if you take the Anya and the nova like a first and last name, you get A. Nova. Hyuck hyuck hyuck. I hate my subconscious sometimes!

 

But the bolded portion! This. I really need to do this, before I even allow one little tiny hope in!

[GeneralJennyJenn]

It sure is easier to dish out my advice then to take it. I re-read it twice and realize I ought to print the bit in bold and look at it everyday while I am brushing my teeth (so at least 2xs a day!) it till I get that drilled into my brain. Sometimes it takes a physical effort, after my 2nd breakup I did all those cheesy things. I put up about 10-15 post it notes around my apartment with quotes that I felt would help me move on. I would purposely look at them daily, when I wash the dishes, when I left my apartment and as I mastered one of them. I slowly took them down. It was a way of re-programming my inner thoughts. That was 2 years ago but I still keep two up today. Ironically tho I haven't really read them in a while so I should re-locate them somewhere where I am forced to read them again. It looks corny but it works.

 

My love for the name Nova came from my affection for Astronomy and from the classic Planet of the Apes movies starring Charles Heston who I adore as an actor but not as a politician. His girlfriend who can't speak, he names her Nova . Yeah its a typical misogynistic movies from the 60s but I liked it anyways

Edited December 9, 2013 by GeneralJennyJenn

[AnyaNova]

It sure is easier to dish out my advice then to take it. I re-read it twice and realize I ought to print the bit in bold and look at it everyday while I am brushing my teeth (so at least 2xs a day!) it till I get that drilled into my brain. Sometimes it takes a physical effort, after my 2nd breakup I did all those cheesy things. I put up about 10-15 post it notes around my apartment with quotes that I felt would help me move on. I would purposely look at them daily, when I wash the dishes, when I left my apartment and as I mastered one of them. I slowly took them down. It was a way of re-programming my inner thoughts. That was 2 years ago but I still keep two up today. Ironically tho I haven't really read them in a while so I should re-locate them somewhere where I am forced to read them again. It looks corny but it works.

 

My love for the name Nova came from my affection for Astronomy and from the classic Planet of the Apes movies starring Charles Heston who I adore as an actor but not as a politician. His girlfriend who can't speak, he names her Nova . Yeah its a typical misogynistic movies from the 60s but I liked it anyways

 

Are you kidding? I love Planet of the Apes. I have only seen it a couple of times, and once in a marathon when I was home visiting from college during my undergrad. We didn't make it through all of them, though, because by the time they were worshiping at the altar of the nuclear warhead, mom came in and declared a planet of the apes marathon moratorium. :-)

 

But back to the subject. It actually probably was a good learning experience and one that was very mild in comparison to what it could have been! At least the guy wasn't a jerk. I mean, if he had been, he could have started something with me (again presuming I read correctly, which perhaps I didn't) and not told me and yeah. It is good to get an idea of what is out there so that I know to be sure. :-)