Are all ex's selfish, crazy and have ESP?

[bigacesteve]

I've been seperate from my ex for over 3 months now. It was her decision to end it between us; we'd been seeing each other for just under a year. During the time we were seeing each other she was living with her father, older sister, niece and younger brother. She hated living there so she was constantly around my house from day one. Because she is a student nurse, she was working all the time and being paid peanuts; she ended up doing extra shifts at the weekends. Anyway to cut a long story short, she was always working and was tired all the time. In the end it was all to much for her and she binned me and has had nothing to do with me for the last 3 months and she moved out of her dads and is living with her female friend.

 

Anyway...

 

I've been getting on with my life and I've just got a new job as a policeman which starts 31st Jan 2005. I cannot wait, so excited. I went out on Xmas Eve and met a girl I fancied years ago, we were kissing and getting friendly. We were supposed to have gone out sometime this week but she has been flued up. I've been receiving text messages from her (Vicki) saying she can't wait till she's better and we'll go out. Last night was New Years Eve and I bumped into a girl (Felicity) I used to date years ago. She was a Triathelete then and when I saw her she was running; fitness mad. I saw her a few weeks ago and she told me to stop her if I saw her out running so I stopped my car and gave her a shout. She shouted STOP, ran across the road and got into my car. We were chatting for ages and she said she'd been thinking about me. I sent her a Xmas card and put my number in it. She told me that she has been really down lately because her mother had died and she'd wanted to ring me but felt to down and out to do anything. She told me that she would ring me in the new year because she really wanted to sit with me and talk. So New Years Eve it was looking alright on the girl front for 2005.

 

We all went out for New Year and it was brilliant. I sent a text message to my ex saying that I understood why we couldn't be together and that I wish her all the best for the new year. I got a phone call at around 1am from her. She said that she missed me a great deal and she wanted to see me, so I told her to come around (fool). We had a really good night, she met all my mates again and they treated her very well, considering what had happened between us. We slept together but no funny business because she was ON. This morning we were all over each other and I could tell that something wasn't quite right. I took her to her dads because that's where she was supposed to have stayed last night; she said we'd go out in the week and sort things out between us, I never mentioned getting back together.

Got home, watched some football on telly, next thing I get a text saying

 

"Hi Steve, I'm sorry about last nite. I was drunk and sick of being single then I got your text and that's why I came around. I'm sorry Steve but I don't want to get involved again. If you'd left me alone it wouldn't have happened. I'm sorry to do this to u again. U deserve more than I can give u"

 

Tried ringing her, doesn't answer.

 

What is it with ex's re-appearing just as you start to move on, they get you all excited and then kick your legs from under you. I sent her a text saying that I was expecting this and that I can't remember saying anything about getting back together anyway, just thought we were having some fun.

 

Nevermind eh, end of this month and I'll be starting my new life, you never know it might go well with Vicki, Fliss or some sexy policewoman?

 

Are most of your ex's like this? Is this there common behaviour?

[_Saffy_]

you text her, and invited her round.....you set yaself up for it.

 

sorry but thats all there is too it.

 

she dumped you, leave her to get on with it.

[Weird]

Steve,

 

dude, I am convinced many female exes (cant speak for male exes) are like this. They are wishy washy and don't always think things through until after stuff happens.

 

I dont buy her using the drunk/sick of being single excuse she gave you. I think she acted with her heart last night and that is why things happened the way they did...now she is thinking with the piece of her brain that says you two can't be together and is giving you these lame excuses.

 

All I know is you should stop messaging her because all she will keep doing is fug with your emotions.

[bigacesteve]

Weird, totally agree with you about not contacting her again. Wish I'd not done it last night but got drunk and I didn't expect her to call me or even reply with a text message. Just told her that I had enjoyed this year with her and I hoped she'd have a good new year. That was all. She was crying her eyes out when she first came around last night and was saying just how badly she missed me and how lonely she was without me. The last time I saw her she wouldn't give me a hug when I went; she was sobbing about that. I know what you're saying Saffy but I've had no answers about the split for over 3 months now and she said she wanted to talk last night so I thought I'd get my answers. We talked and she said she wanted to try again but take it slowly. She seemed all up for it last night but now she has changed her mind.

 

I don't know what she was thinking with last night Weird, I hope it was her heart. I don't buy this drunk thing myself because when she was talking about us, she sounded like she'd had a really good think about things and wanted to sort something out.

 

As usual the love goggles go on and I get hurt again. Love does make you do stupid things.

 

But even though it all went t1ts up in the end, it was really nice spending New Year with her. Just wish she'd sort her flippin head out. Miss you, want to be with you... No I don't want to see you, nothing. *****ing bizarre!!!

 

Come on January fly by so I can start my new life.

 

Cheers

[quankanne]

I think Weird pretty much hit the nail on the head the first time through; at least from what my husband tells me, this is SOP for me:

 

they are wishy washy and don't always think things through until after stuff happens ... acted with her heart last night ... now she is thinking with the piece of her brain that says (otherwise)

 

I will say this, I don't think your ex is "being lame" for having second thoughts, Steve, just honestly telling you where she stands. I'm sorry that you've had to go through that because it's a bxtch not knowing where you stand – am I in? am I out? WHAT?????!!!!! – but sometimes you just hit your finger instead of the nail during the process of things, and you learn from the pain. Otherwise, you keep repeating the same actions and get the same results.

 

my suggestion is to be polite but not get involved; i.e., don't pursue her because in her mind, your relationship isn't going anywhere, but by all means say hello or wave if you catch her in public. At least I don't think either of y'all would regret staying on civil terms after the split ...

[reservoirdog1]

Exes do that all the time, and it's annoying as hell. Within the first two months of splitting from my ex-wife (a split that she wanted after seven years of her serial adultery), she asked me on three separate occasions if we could try again. And yet, when I made a couple of my own attempts during those periods, she declined.

 

Every time she tried, I got dragged back emotionally into her orbit. PISSED me off. Even after all discussions about reconciliation stopped, she still found excuses to start emotional fights between us. I think she just missed the drama.

 

But more importantly, she (like most exes who are the dumpers) just didn't like to see me move on and get over her. Seriously, if you're not curled up in a little ball crying your eyes out over them, they can't resist f*cking with you. It's a compulsion.

[bigacesteve]

Thanks quankanne, I sent a reply to her text earlier. I just said that I had guessed that nothing was going to come from last night and that I really enjoyed her company anyway and that she's always welcome to talk if she gets lonely again. I really do want to move on and find someone new but loves a b4stard and it digs it's claws in makes us do stupid things.

 

The 2 hardest days are over and gone now, Xmas dones and dusted and New Year I spent with my ex anyway. That's why I couldn't say no to her, flippin New Year. I'll be ok in a day or 2, back on track to healing.

[bigacesteve]

reservoirdog1,

your picture is ace. Dee Jesus. The Big Lebowski, one of the best films I've ever seen.

 

You are right about them not letting you move on. With every ex I've had, everytime I meet someone new I get a call or bump into the ex and they want me back. 3-5 dates with the ex and I'm binned again and left trying to get my head out of my arse. Should learn my lesson but I'm so bloody optimistic.

 

I think if my ex saw me with someone else she'd be gutted, I can tell by how she was last night. I think she's had enough of working all the time, she doesn't get on with her housemate anymore and she's tired of going out and getting p1ssed. Said she was with her friends and could only think of me.

 

*****ing fruitcakes the lot of them!!!

[Weird]

I will say this, I don't think your ex is "being lame" for having second thoughts, Steve, just honestly telling you where she stands.

 

She is being lame by (IMO) making up an excuse that she was acting the way she did because she was drunk. I think most people use the "I was drunk" excuse for when they say stuff they maybe shouldn't and in many cases it is a lame excuse. What I usually see with people who are drunk is that they say what they really mean/feel since their common sense isn't holding them back from speaking their minds. 99% certain his ex still wants to be with him and he saw it last night...and then this morn she went into damage control mode.

 

All I know is Steve is a good guy and this woman needs to pick a frickin side already because she has done this crap to him a few times since they broke up. Either she empties her heart to him and makes the effort to ahve things work or she doesn't keep trying to lead him on with saying one thing then the next day contradicting herself and making up excuses as to why she said the stuff in the first place.

 

 

 

Hey Steveo,

 

isn't it great dealing with the crazy exes and the contradicting stuff they say? I know all about it son....

[GreenCap]

Sometimes I wonder if exes just come back for some self-esteem validation (just to know that they are still desired) then once they get it, out with you. Rant as much as we want why the exes are flaming crazy but we are the ones who provide the outlet for them and feel stupid when they leave yet again.

 

Love is blind, isn't it.

[bigacesteve]

Cheers for that Rob, means a lot to me your last post. You summed it up quite well.

 

When I've had a few beers I find I can't tell fibs and the truth just comes out. I saw her last night and she was in bits because of what happened between us. I wish I could have recorded her and played it back today. I think one day she will realise what she has done and regret it. She knows what she is doing is wrong but she just seems to think she doesn't deserve to be happy. It frustrates me so much. She really seemed to have figured it all out last night and then she wrecked it all again.

 

My housemate Steve warned me not to have her come around last night. He told me that I was a happier person without her and she would just hurt me. He was right but I feel as though I finally saw a true side of her last night and I saw that there might be a chance in the future but she ain't ready yet.

[bigacesteve]

You're right GreenCap about ex's using us to get their self-esteem back. My ex ex used to do it all the time; I'd hear nothing from her but when she'd been dumped by the next guy I'd get the call. We'd go out a few times, I'd tell her that I miss her and would like to try again and next thing she's *****ed me off and she's out with some other bloke.

 

New job soon and I need a new woman in my life; no more *****ing nutters!!!

[Urban Rubble01]

Hey Steve, just dropping in with a word of solidarity, I know what you're going through.

 

You know, I think one thing that's important to look at is what this person is doing to avoid hurting you. Alot of people tell me that my ex is treating my badly by not calling unless I call first. Well, the thing is, I know that all she's trying to do is make it easier on me by not giving mixed signals. I think that when our ex's come around again or call or whatever like yours did, they do it for selfish reasons. She should know that calling back and saying she misses you will fuq with your head, but she did it anyway. That shows she's still putting herself before you. Leave it alone man, she isn't thinking about it in terms of how to make it easier on you, so don't let it eat you anymore than is absolutely necessary.

 

Now, I'm not saying she's a bad person or that she's actively trying to hurt you. If you truly think she's a good person then don't let it bother you too much, being a little selfish IS only a mistake after all, she does seem to really love you.

[bigacesteve]

Good to hear from you UR01.

I think for the first time since we split I got a little bit of honesty last night. She was really upset and everything poured out. I can tell that she still really wants me but then something stops her. You are right UR01 she is quite selfish, once she'd got it all off her chest she wanted me to act like we'd never split up, never really asked what I thought. She was saying how much she had missed me and wanted to sort us out and start seeing each other again but not to go too fast. I never said whether I wanted her back again or not, she just said yes we'll do this that and the other and eveything will be fine. I just kept thinking 3 months of hurt, is the best she can do? We were at my house and we were having a mad party. She wanted me to re-introduce her to all my friends, who to honest didn't want her around me. As usual though my friends were great and treated her very well.

 

I have so many different feelings after last night; I feel gutted, optimistic, stupid, lucky, gulible. Feeling very tired, which isn't helping. Oh well at least I can spread out in bed tonight.

 

Why when they still have these feelings for us do they try their hardest to bury them and pretend they will go away??? She was telling me how miserable her life is without me and how alone she is. How she always wants to ring me but keeps stopping herself. What's that all about?? I hope you're right Urban about her loving me; what I saw last night makes me think that but her actions this afternoon make me wonder WTF is wrong with her? Proper Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde; she's bonkers!

[Sukotto]

Thanks Steve,

 

You've given me reason to avoid contacting the ex. I've not spoken to her since last Sunday which was my birthday. She tried to talk to me on MSN tonight but I just ignored her completely, I'm still undecided about dropping a card off at her house for her birthday which is on Tuesday, I want to but I dont want to bump into her. I've decided that I dont plan to talk to her and I won't be trying the whole lets get back together thing again.

 

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

 

I wont be the fool again with my ex.

 

I hope your new job as a policeman goes well, what force you going for again? I can't seem to remember.

[TranslucentThoughts]

I slept with my ex on New Years. It wasn't my intention to do that... I saw him at the party sitting alone and went to talk to him... Next thing I knew we were hugging and then he starts kissing me and being really touchy.. and I was too. At that moment it just felt so right.. Like nothing had changed. Before we even slept together he said that he really didn't think a relationship would work out between us... but by that point I just wanted him too badly to care and to really think it through. Too caught up in the heat of the moment I suppose.

 

After it was done he went back to being all closed off. Which made me feel stupid and used even though it was mostly my fault. I just didn't think he'd act so cold afterwards. ... I didn't expect him to want me back just because we slept together. I don't really know what I expected. I don't even know what to do now. He told me he missed me before things happened...and I guess because he was really into wanting to sleep with me it made me feel like we'd become closer after. (not lovey closer) but friendly closer...Because we haven't even really persued a friendship since our breakup.

 

I don't know... maybe he's able to sleep with me and forget about it... But I don't think that I can. I still really care about him... and I can't just ignore what happened.

[bigacesteve]

Sukotto,

I took a Xmas card around to my ex's mothers, I was just going to post it and walk away. I got there and the ex was there. Her mother was really nice to me and invited me in. It was horrible I sat opposite my ex and I thought to myself what am I doing here. I wasn't going to bother posting them that day but I'd spent the money on the cards for her and her mother and I'd already written them out. Her mother got me a coffee and I burned my mouth trying to drink it quickly so I could get out of there. It really hurt seeing her again just before Xmas; it did soften the blow when she came around on New Years Eve though.

 

I'm going to be stationed in Crewe, Cheshire. It's only about 15 miles from Stoke-on-Trent, which means I don't have to move out of the area and I'll still have my mates. Still got to move out of this ace house though because my mate (landlord) has had a few run ins with the filth.

 

 

TranslucentThoughts,

I know exactly what you're going through. It's New Years Eve, the ex has come to see me on this special night it must mean something good is going on between us... No, they're lonely and saw us as an easy target. My ex was telling me how much she'd missed me, how she wanted to see me again, this is what hurt me the most, it's just plain and simple lying. We didn't have sex because the 'painters were in' but she was well up for it. Your ex bloke did the same as my ex; made everything seem like we had never been apart, took what she wanted and then ignored me. I know there is the old 'Shame on you, shame on me' saying but when you're with the ex after being apart for so long, all rational thinking goes out the window and recalling a wise old saying ain't going to be happening when sex is on the cards.

 

 

Key thing is to keep away from the ex at all costs. I'm sure my brain turns into a ZX81 Spectrum when I see my ex. Maybe it's because my hairy brains take over from the one in my head... damn you human nature!!! Imagine what we could all become if we didn't spend most of our lives thinking or chasing after the opposite sex (or same sex, whatever floats your boat). If I see her again I'm going to walk the other way whilst singing nursery rhymes to myself, try and trick my brain(s) into thinking she was just a mirage or something.

 

TranslucentThoughts, we both need to move on from these selfish people because as we've learnt, they don't have our best intentions at heart.

 

Still feel like s*** but this place has helped me yet again; thank you LS

[Sukotto]

I decided to drop a card off to her, but learning from Steve's mistakes I went and done it at 1am last night, no run in with her parents or her! woo

 

I've not even heard a thank you from her which is kinda going to be the decider if I make an effort about contacting her in the future, if she does then I might drop her an email in a few weeks time and if I get nothing then I guess its time to get rid of the idea of any sort of future contact.