HollyGolightlly Posted December 6, 2013 Share Posted December 6, 2013 Background to this post: I'm pregnant with MM's baby- he ran back to his wife with his tail between his legs. Surprise surprise. I haven't really said anything to him or asked him anything. The last thing I said a week ago was that I was keeping the baby. He hasn't contacted me to ask about custody/child support/ or any of the logistics. Nothing... I don't know what he's doing- is he going to ignore the fact that he has a child for the rest of his life? Prance around with his wife like a loving amazing husband after having a 7 month long physical and deeply romantic relationship with me? It's so strange to me It's not like I want him back- I'm literally looking at him like an alien right now. Pretty much like- huh? What's wrong with you? Do you think he will ever come around? Last time I saw him in person he looked like death. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 6, 2013 Share Posted December 6, 2013 What do you want from him? Are you hoping he'll leave his wife and be with your and the baby? Are you looking for him to be a real father? Or just some support (both money and being there for you? If he pays child support, he may want shared custody, even if he and his wife stay together once she finds out the truth.. Anything can happen... 7 month affair isn't that long, so it is possible he can just shut off what he felt. Anyway, once you decide what it is you want, you tell him - whether it be child support or for him to never see his child, not be a part of his/her life once born. I take it his wife doesn't know but when she does, be prepared for a paternity test. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HollyGolightlly Posted December 6, 2013 Author Share Posted December 6, 2013 What do you want from him? Are you hoping he'll leave his wife and be with your and the baby? Are you looking for him to be a real father? Or just some support (both money and being there for you? If he pays child support, he may want shared custody, even if he and his wife stay together once she finds out the truth.. Anything can happen... 7 month affair isn't that long, so it is possible he can just shut off what he felt. Anyway, once you decide what it is you want, you tell him - whether it be child support or for him to never see his child, not be a part of his/her life once born. I take it his wife doesn't know but when she does, be prepared for a paternity test. Oh no- I'm done with the days where I was hoping he'd leave her for me. Trust me- if there's anywhere where I would admit that, it would be this forum. I think he's weird and it's almost laughable how his wife wears the pants. THE ONLY thing I want is a clear answer on what he is going to do- Is he going to give me a war in the courts? Is he going to just try to run from child support? Is he going to just say he never had a child? She knows about the baby and I would actually be glad if they did a paternity test- it would just be a slap in the face for him. You can't blame me for wanting to know what will happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted December 6, 2013 Share Posted December 6, 2013 Until there is a live birth / there's little to do. Not much exists to battle over in court. It's difficult to "run" fr child support. Why would he bother? It's generally not a large sum. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HollyGolightlly Posted December 6, 2013 Author Share Posted December 6, 2013 Until there is a live birth / there's little to do. Not much exists to battle over in court. It's difficult to "run" fr child support. Why would he bother? It's generally not a large sum. I guess. I'm not even sure if I'm going to file because he's just such a loser I would rather just handle it on my own. I can't help but to wonder where his mind is at or what he's thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted December 6, 2013 Share Posted December 6, 2013 You mean in the se way you ponder about the tooth fairy? How many weeks along are you? Link to post Share on other sites
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted December 6, 2013 Share Posted December 6, 2013 Hasn't he gone NC with you? That might be why he isn't saying anything. Does he have proof that you are pregnant, or just your word? There are lots of things he could be thinking here. He may have to follow his wife's wishes if he is in true reconciliation. but more than likely, He's probably just sticking his head in the sand and hoping it all goes away. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 6, 2013 Share Posted December 6, 2013 Then forget him for now. Focus on your pregnancy, eliminate the stress of wondering the why's and how's of what is doing or thinking. Really, who flipping cares right now! Whatever is gonna happen will happen. If he comes around, great, if not, screw him and make him pay child support. Again focus on you and your pregnancy by staying well and healthy, both physically and mentally. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HollyGolightlly Posted December 6, 2013 Author Share Posted December 6, 2013 You mean in the se way you ponder about the tooth fairy? How many weeks along are you? Huh? ..I'm guessing 5 or 6 now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HollyGolightlly Posted December 6, 2013 Author Share Posted December 6, 2013 Hasn't he gone NC with you? That might be why he isn't saying anything. Does he have proof that you are pregnant, or just your word? There are lots of things he could be thinking here. He may have to follow his wife's wishes if he is in true reconciliation. but more than likely, He's probably just sticking his head in the sand and hoping it all goes away. Yeah he has- And yes I suppose that's what he's doing but I guess being that I'm emotionally done I'm just here thinking about the logistics of it all. Kind of like "yeah yeah, affair, whatever...so what are you going to do now that you're going to have another child in the world?" I did show him the papers from the doctors. I'm honestly hoping him not believing me would be the problem and he would change in some way (like, having some compassion?) I guess he will be in for a rude awakening in a few months. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted December 6, 2013 Share Posted December 6, 2013 Basically 6 weeks is just finding out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
threelaurels Posted December 6, 2013 Share Posted December 6, 2013 It's still very early in the pregnancy, but I wouldn't hold out hope for him to come around. If you want him to be a parent, you're going to have to take him to court to establish paternity and get a court order for child support. The reality is that, in situations where the BS chooses to R and an OC is in the picture, sometimes one of the conditions of R is that the MM cannot be in the OC's life because it would require contact with the OW. It's not fair to the innocent child, but it happens because the MM has chosen the marriage over being in his child's life. Some MM do remain in the OC's life, but only through occasional supervised visitations where the OW cannot be present. While the MM and his W can request joint custody, which would lower his child support payments, I've only ever heard of one situation where that happened, and it was because the OW developed a terminal illness that made having sole physical custody impractical. What route he and his W will choose (assuming she doesn't D him, which removes her from the picture), I have no idea. You know him better than we do, and I'm sure his current behavior is making you question who you thought he was during the A. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HollyGolightlly Posted December 6, 2013 Author Share Posted December 6, 2013 It's still very early in the pregnancy, but I wouldn't hold out hope for him to come around. If you want him to be a parent, you're going to have to take him to court to establish paternity and get a court order for child support. The reality is that, in situations where the BS chooses to R and an OC is in the picture, sometimes one of the conditions of R is that the MM cannot be in the OC's life because it would require contact with the OW. It's not fair to the innocent child, but it happens because the MM has chosen the marriage over being in his child's life. Some MM do remain in the OC's life, but only through occasional supervised visitations where the OW cannot be present. While the MM and his W can request joint custody, which would lower his child support payments, I've only ever heard of one situation where that happened, and it was because the OW developed a terminal illness that made having sole physical custody impractical. What route he and his W will choose (assuming she doesn't D him, which removes her from the picture), I have no idea. You know him better than we do, and I'm sure his current behavior is making you question who you thought he was during the A. Oh absolutely...I don't know who he is. I know deep back in my memory we were in love and had something very special. It's hard being on my side of the fence because everyone looks at me like I'm the bad one. I'm sure he chose NC to prove to his wife he won't talk to me at all to save the marriage...whatever, that's cool and all but he's still responsible for this child in one way or another, right? That's all I really care about right now. That's what I want to know- joint custody, none, escaping the country ? What? I'm just staring at myself and wondering how the ...hell..did I end up pregnant with such a loser. 16 year old boys handle unplanned pregnancies better than this 36 year old one. Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted December 6, 2013 Share Posted December 6, 2013 As others have said, there really isn't much he can do right now. If he is in fact with his wife and trying to R with her, he probably isn't going to contact you regarding your pregnancy. He most likely is doing what you think he's doing... ignoring and hoping this will all go away. You won't know all the answers right away of how this will play out... whether he will be supportive, want to see the child, want to talk to you... any of it. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to just relax, take your pre-natal vitamins, eat healthy, take care of YOU! You sound like you are in a decent place with all of this, which is good. When she finds out it will be a huge hit to her, so just be prepared for that. I've been where she is and I know how I felt about it. If you want more info on what her perspective might be, feel free to pm me. Don't worry, I'm not judging you just because I've been on the opposite side of the fence on this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted December 6, 2013 Share Posted December 6, 2013 Leave the country? Is he a foreign national? Living on a trust fund? If he's leaving the country I'd expect his wife to accompany him. Does he work for a a company with International offices? Link to post Share on other sites
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted December 6, 2013 Share Posted December 6, 2013 Not to diminish his responsibility ion this, but you did tell him you were infertile and couldnt get pregnant. He trusted you with that. He's probably pretty pi$$ed as well 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Fluttershy Posted December 6, 2013 Share Posted December 6, 2013 Basically 6 weeks is just finding out. If someone is very in tune with their body and regular, pregnancy can be discovered pre-missed period which is around 2 week post conception. I found out four days before my period was due. That means 6 weeks post conception I already knew I was pregnant for a month, not just finding out. But here is where it gets tricky. Pregnancy is generally followed by the date of your last period, before you were actually pregnant. Some people will say the medical and actual age of the baby. Others will go by the accepted mode of dating. So, I foun oit two weeks after conception but I was considered four weeks pregnant. sorry for the totally silly t/j OP, I agree with the advice to focus on a good and helthy pregnancy. When the baby is born then you can persue child support (or not). Come what may. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladydrib Posted December 6, 2013 Share Posted December 6, 2013 Background to this post: I'm pregnant with MM's baby- he ran back to his wife with his tail between his legs. Surprise surprise. I haven't really said anything to him or asked him anything. The last thing I said a week ago was that I was keeping the baby. He hasn't contacted me to ask about custody/child support/ or any of the logistics. Nothing... I don't know what he's doing- is he going to ignore the fact that he has a child for the rest of his life? Prance around with his wife like a loving amazing husband after having a 7 month long physical and deeply romantic relationship with me? It's so strange to me It's not like I want him back- I'm literally looking at him like an alien right now. Pretty much like- huh? What's wrong with you? Do you think he will ever come around? Last time I saw him in person he looked like death. He's selfish and only worried about himself. He's in damage control mode with his wife in preparation. He is probably also hoping by giving you a cold shoulder that you'll decide to not keep it. He's panicking hoping he will get off the hook. He's way too busy to even consider how difficult this is for you. It's sickening. Whatever decision you make now, make sure you make it independent of him. Expect nothing from him. But with someone who could do that, would it really be in your best interest if he were available for you to get more deeply involved with someone who is so lacking? Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted December 6, 2013 Share Posted December 6, 2013 (edited) I think it's more important to be firm and have a game plan about what YOU'RE gonna do. Who knows what he will do? Many men have kids and prance around like they don't, worse MM in affairs, so it would not be unheard of for him to do this. I highly doubt he is looking to fight you in court. Since he has said absolutely nothing, chances are he is burying his head in the sand and is hoping this will go away. I doubt he is thrilled about the baby and wants to take the baby and raise it. It's important for you to decide what you need and want and pretty much consider yourself the advocate for you and your baby and get your ducks in order and know all your rights instead of pondering what he will do. As others have said, I would make all decisions independent of him and with the idea that he plans not to be involved in the child's life or yours. If things change later on, great, but for now, I'd proceed as though he has disappeared never to be heard from again. Edited December 6, 2013 by MissBee 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted December 6, 2013 Share Posted December 6, 2013 you need to either make him responsible for his child, or have him sign over parental rights. then you can move on and have this baby, with or without his support. you need to protect yourself and this baby. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HollyGolightlly Posted December 6, 2013 Author Share Posted December 6, 2013 Not to diminish his responsibility ion this, but you did tell him you were infertile and couldnt get pregnant. He trusted you with that. He's probably pretty pi$$ed as well I still can't even understand how it happened to be honest with you. I even pulled out my old medical records when moving and I just was shaking my head. Worst timing ever, too. At the same time I did tell him it was a possibility, He even gave me the plan B pill a few months ago and I took it. He knew that I probably couldn't get pregnant, we had sex often and always unprotected and he never pulled out- for months and months and nothing happened. (only used plan b once but that was just me being afraid) He's also 36 years old...come on. Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted December 6, 2013 Share Posted December 6, 2013 ^i'm sure you are old enough to know pregnancy was a real possibility, as well. you can't be pointing fingers here. both of you are responsible for this. .....c'mon. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HollyGolightlly Posted December 6, 2013 Author Share Posted December 6, 2013 He's selfish and only worried about himself. He's in damage control mode with his wife in preparation. He is probably also hoping by giving you a cold shoulder that you'll decide to not keep it. He's panicking hoping he will get off the hook. He's way too busy to even consider how difficult this is for you. It's sickening. Whatever decision you make now, make sure you make it independent of him. Expect nothing from him. But with someone who could do that, would it really be in your best interest if he were available for you to get more deeply involved with someone who is so lacking? Thank you for all of that Link to post Share on other sites
Author HollyGolightlly Posted December 6, 2013 Author Share Posted December 6, 2013 ^i'm sure you are old enough to know pregnancy was a real possibility, as well. you can't be pointing fingers here. both of you are responsible for this. .....c'mon. Yes, I was. But the reason why this forum exists is for us girls- who at one point- were living in a pipe dream. And during that time pregnancy would have been a blessing. Story of my youth- trouble of my life. And so it is... Link to post Share on other sites
Author HollyGolightlly Posted December 6, 2013 Author Share Posted December 6, 2013 He ended up writing me tonight: _________________________________________ After your email on Monday, I wanted to take some time to reflect and to give you some time to reflect as well. I've considered things from many angles (including yours) and I still believe that you're making a short-term decision which will be end up being a bad decision in the future for everyone involved. I don't know what plans you have put in place with your family, but keeping the baby necessarily means that you won't be able to spend as much time with and attention to (my daughters names) They may not understand it now, but I worry that they will resent you in the future. Also, I feel that you're trying to convince yourself that you're in love with the unborn child based on the fact that you brought up the possibility of giving it up for adoption multiple times. From everything that I know about you, I find it hard to believe that you love the unborn child more than your girls. Having the baby will not be a substitute for them. I'm not trying to manipulate you or use your girls against you in any way. And, I'm not trying to attack you. I have always clearly stated that I do not want the child for reasons you and I have already discussed. I simply feel that even independent of my personal reasons, you're choosing to satisfy your emotions, feelings and desires over those of ( my daughters) Please take some time and consider what I've written before you respond. Again, I'm not trying to attack you. I just fear for the negative impact this will have on everyone. __________________ What he doesn't understand is that I'm not deciding to become pregnant...what does he not get? He acts like he's stopping me from going to the store to get something I don't have. This can't be taken back I had the appointment for the abortion. I couldn't go actually because of work- but I didn't want to go anyway. I just can't get myself to be okay with the idea..and I REALLY TRIED- I think about my kids, men, vacations, fun, things I can't do with a baby, my body...etc..nothing works. It's hard for me to stomach hearing that I'm being selfish by having it- it's not that I'm GOING To go get IVF...I'm already pregnant! Am I crazy? I'm too tired to reply- him and his abortion Emails have become an annoyance. And yes, obviously those Emails are censored by the Wife. what a mess Link to post Share on other sites
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