What ever happened to privacy?

[kjohn]

I agree that privacy and general respect are important to any individual person, whether they are in a relationship/marriage or not.

 

That being said, I can also say from personal experience that when one partner in a relationship is overly concerned with privacy it raises concern and red flags for the other partner, but be careful how you respond to that because you just might wind up regretting your decision.

 

I have been with my BF for several years. We are very committed to each other and plan to spend the rest of our lives together. Whether or not we will ever get married remains to be seen (bad marriages for both of us), but the commitment is definitely there.

 

He is very protective of his privacy, to the point that it has often made me wonder.

 

Recently, I had the opportunity to look through his email without his knowledge or permission. My insecurities and curiosity got the better of me. I looked and I didn't like what I found….sexy pictures of women he knows & obviously finds attractive, downloaded from their FB pics (kinda creepy) and naked pictures of his ex-girlfriend….a woman who tried to destroy our relationship when we first started dating…a woman who my BF knows I do not care for as a human being based on how she treated him when they were together and what she did to us in the early stages or our relationship.

 

The frustrating part for me is that I cannot bring this hurt to his attention because I had no business being in his email in the first place and I am ashamed of my actions which was a total invasion of his privacy. But now I can't unknow what I know.

 

Ironically, this topic recently came up in conversation between us and I told him that I would be very hurt & feel disrespected if he saved nudey pics of women….especially if it was someone he knew and most especially if it was someone he had previously slept with. He claimed that he did not have any such pics.

 

So now, not only do I know about the pics, which hurts me….now he just lied to me telling me that he doesn't have pics that I know darn well he has.

 

Just as much as I am ashamed of my actions looking at his email, he is probably ashamed that he has these pics….guilty pleasure.

 

So I have been thinking and praying on this for a couple of weeks now. Does having those pics mean that he loves me any less? No. Does it mean that he has been unfaithful to me? No…and his actions confirm his faithfulness. Had I never known about the existence of those pics would I be happier right at this moment? Yes, because ignorance truly is bliss.

 

So now I feel like the punishment for my crime of privacy invasion is the hard work of having to push it out of my mind and chalk it up as "boys will be boys." I mean what guy doesn't look at nude pics, right? I would prefer that the pics be of strangers/models rather than women he knows and his ex, but I can't change that.

 

The moral of the story is I regret having invaded his privacy because now my mind is in a tizzy and it's not a good feeling.

[rumbleseat]

I agree that privacy and general respect are important to any individual person, whether they are in a relationship/marriage or not.

 

That being said, I can also say from personal experience that when one partner in a relationship is overly concerned with privacy it raises concern and red flags for the other partner, but be careful how you respond to that because you just might wind up regretting your decision.

 

I have been with my BF for several years. We are very committed to each other and plan to spend the rest of our lives together. Whether or not we will ever get married remains to be seen (bad marriages for both of us), but the commitment is definitely there.

 

He is very protective of his privacy, to the point that it has often made me wonder.

 

Recently, I had the opportunity to look through his email without his knowledge or permission. My insecurities and curiosity got the better of me. I looked and I didn't like what I found….sexy pictures of women he knows & obviously finds attractive, downloaded from their FB pics (kinda creepy) and naked pictures of his ex-girlfriend….a woman who tried to destroy our relationship when we first started dating…a woman who my BF knows I do not care for as a human being based on how she treated him when they were together and what she did to us in the early stages or our relationship.

 

The frustrating part for me is that I cannot bring this hurt to his attention because I had no business being in his email in the first place and I am ashamed of my actions which was a total invasion of his privacy. But now I can't unknow what I know.

 

Ironically, this topic recently came up in conversation between us and I told him that I would be very hurt & feel disrespected if he saved nudey pics of women….especially if it was someone he knew and most especially if it was someone he had previously slept with. He claimed that he did not have any such pics.

 

So now, not only do I know about the pics, which hurts me….now he just lied to me telling me that he doesn't have pics that I know darn well he has.

 

Just as much as I am ashamed of my actions looking at his email, he is probably ashamed that he has these pics….guilty pleasure.

 

So I have been thinking and praying on this for a couple of weeks now. Does having those pics mean that he loves me any less? No. Does it mean that he has been unfaithful to me? No…and his actions confirm his faithfulness. Had I never known about the existence of those pics would I be happier right at this moment? Yes, because ignorance truly is bliss.

 

So now I feel like the punishment for my crime of privacy invasion is the hard work of having to push it out of my mind and chalk it up as "boys will be boys." I mean what guy doesn't look at nude pics, right? I would prefer that the pics be of strangers/models rather than women he knows and his ex, but I can't change that.

 

The moral of the story is I regret having invaded his privacy because now my mind is in a tizzy and it's not a good feeling.

 

Actually, what you have learned is that he lies, both by omission and to cover his rear end. What else does he lie about?

[John-Dough]

But - I do get the feeling there's more to your simple complaints 20 years later. Something triggered your need for more privacy now.

 

Something you're not telling...?

 

Actually, Beach - there is no privacy concern. As my wife has never snooped, except that one time. That's why I had to go back 20 plus years. I was just making an observation and tied it into my own life.

 

You are right about everything else. And I am thinking there are issues with me regarding conflict avoidance and I have been told I worry too much about hurting other people's feelings (not about this, but over much more trivial matters).

 

Bear with me Beach, I am trying to figure this out. I do appreciate your input. Thanks!

Edited December 9, 2013 by John-Dough

[underwater2010]

My wife respects my privacy and I respect hers. But, maybe that's a thing of past generations. Some look at marriage differently. I see it as partnership between two distinct individuals, not as a blending of two individuals into one. JMO

 

 

I don't consider that privacy but respect and trust for the person you are married to. I TRUSTED that his emails, facebook, mail etc was used as intended benign communication with family and friends. Not to have sexual chats or plan met ups with another woman.

 

FYI I understand that your wife did NOT nor did you do this. It is just my take on "privacy".

 

And I agree that we are two distinct individuals that have become partners.

 

At the time we weren't married - and if it was me, I would rather let my potential partner make their own decisions, instead of me making that decision for them. But, that's because I would want them to be sure before they got married, not wonder later about it.

 

 

I have never made a decision for my husband. We talk about and decided together, after all this is a partnership.

 

 

But obviously you have a much different take. I know you probably didn't mean it that way, but it almost sounded like ownership.

 

 

 

To be clear....I don't feel that I own him. In fact I have told him he is free to leave if he is unhappy. Maybe you missed the part that I never even checked up on him until I found out about the EA.

 

And I guess we don't know for sure what I would have done as far as revealing the contents of the letter. I assume I would have told her, but neither one of us know now.

 

 

Personally I would have told my partner and would expect he would tell me too. That being said, I would have just handed it over to him signed, sealed and delivered.

 

Again, that whole deal is long ago, past history and doesn't matter. As I said, I merely used an example from my life to make a point. I now realize that was a big mistake in this thread. It confuses the post. I need to remember Keep It Simple Stupid.

 

 

I think you did just fine. It was an example of what you and others consider privacy.

 

 

 

 

see bolded.

[underwater2010]

Well you clearly have no respect for your spouses boundaries or privacy so... case in point.

 

 

I think you missed the part were I said I never checked on him prior to the EA. In fact, he had all the "privacy" in the world because I trusted him 100%. Funny you should mention his boundaries....he had an affair...so I guess they were very poor indeed.

 

 

Its not your business to ask about, or even EXPECT to hear about. If he willingly shares, awesome. But your entitled to know attitude says a lot.

 

 

Funny that your version of entitled to me is just being honest with your partner. I don't want to be in a relationship with a person that thinks they have to hide things. Hell, I don't even hide things from my partner.

 

 

Also, I don't know where you got this " only if something is wrong " feeling but most of the time the only things wrong is the disrespecters lack of self esteem or just their own insecurities.

 

 

That feeling didn't come until he left his facebook account open. Hardly snooping. And FYI....he had an affair. That had nothing to do with me disrespecting him, my self esteem or any insecurity on my part. In fact I never would have thought he would go there.

 

Privacy is a right in a relationship. Just because some one likes / demands/ expects privacy does not mean they are doing something wrong.

 

 

I did not say that. What you call privacy, I call respect and trust. Something that is a given until broken. Then it has be rebuilt from the ground up. And I never said it was wrong, just gave my take on the OP's and your version of "privacy".

 

And by the way... who cares if its " out of line " for her to send it. Its not your business.

 

 

Never said it was, just commented on what was posted. To bad if you don't like it.

 

 

 

 

see bolded.

[gabgab]

 

So I have been thinking and praying on this for a couple of weeks now. Does having those pics mean that he loves me any less? No. Does it mean that he has been unfaithful to me? No…and his actions confirm his faithfulness. Had I never known about the existence of those pics would I be happier right at this moment? Yes, because ignorance truly is bliss.

So now I feel like the punishment for my crime of privacy invasion is the hard work of having to push it out of my mind and chalk it up as "boys will be boys." I mean what guy doesn't look at nude pics, right? I would prefer that the pics be of strangers/models rather than women he knows and his ex, but I can't change that.

 

The moral of the story is I regret having invaded his privacy because now my mind is in a tizzy and it's not a good feeling.

 

That line is something guys say to get off the hook. Ever notice how women never have any phrases to use to get off the hook like this?

 

Id dump this guy honestly. Yes, he prob jerks off to his naked ex on a regular basis. Yes, its a definite red flag along with the lying about it. You just aren't strong enough to do what you need to do. This guy is PLAYING you. I wouldnt trust him either. He would prob flip a **** if the situation was reversed. However, men have bigger egos and women are emotionally and logically weaker.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I'd be furious if a partner read my texts, my e-mails, my facebook messages, or my mail. I've never cheated and when in a relationship I always act in a way that I'd be happy for a partner to be around (even if a male friend has called me a flirty name while I've had a boyfriend I'll politely tell them not to call me by anything other than my name because it makes me feel uncomfortable). But I have my own friendships that existed before any partner comes along, and every right to have private conversations with those friends, as I'd expect of a partner and his friends!

 

What if one of my female best friends needs to talk about something really personal that they want keeping between us? What if that friend is male? What if it's a male I slept with once upon a time but nothing's happened since? Where does one draw the line?

 

I don't need or want to know what's going on between my partner and their friends, male or female. If they genuinely did feel suspicious for whatever reason and wanted to read a particular message thread I'd gladly hand it over as I'd have nothing to hide, but if they started asking often I'd be concerned. And if they did it behind my back, it'd be grounds for considering breaking a relationship off for me. I ENJOY the fact that I leave my unlocked phone in the same room as a boyfriend while I go off and do something else because I love the feeling of being able to trust them.

 

Trusting them not to snoop on me is as important an expression of love for me as being trusted enough by them that they feel they don't need to.

Edited December 10, 2013 by acrosstheuniverse

[Shepp]

It would massively annoy me if my gift grew away a letter because she should trust me more that that! I'd be mad!

 

As for privacy in general...

My girlfriend opens my mail, with the exception of exciting stuff like cards of packages.

I'm always out at the time the postman comes so she opens it and puts the proper stuff on the table for me to see and the rest in our junk-mail-for-when-you-next-feel-like-visiting-the-recycling-box pile.

I never really mastered the opening of envelop thing so when I open them I get bits of paper everywhere and then i have to take it all to the bin - what a palaver! So I end up leaving it on the table to 'open in a later' if she doesn't do it

I always thought It was nice of her to do that!

 

It's not like I often get interesting mail - nothing that's 'private' bar if I was ordering a present for her.