What ever happened to privacy?

[MidwestUSA]

One thing I learned from this thread - don't try to tie in an example from your own life to make a point. It's too confusing for the readers.

 

KISS

 

Point taken!

 

I think, and I'm not a regular to the infidelity forum, but these 'invasions' of privacy - VARs, emails, phones, polygraphs - are occurring in the wake of an affair. What is your stance on snooping if you believe there is really dirt to be found but you don't want to tip your hand just yet? And continuing to snoop to monitor the activity of the wayward?

[unicorn farts]

My husband has access to all of my accounts/phone/etc. I don't think he snoops on me but I really don't care if he does. I don't do anything very interesting. If snooping on me once in a while would him feel secure then snoop away I say.

[John-Dough]

I think, and I'm not a regular to the infidelity forum, but these 'invasions' of privacy - VARs, emails, phones, polygraphs - are occurring in the wake of an affair. What is your stance on snooping if you believe there is really dirt to be found but you don't want to tip your hand just yet? And continuing to snoop to monitor the activity of the wayward?

 

In my younger days, I was cheated on by a live-in girlfriend. I never resorted to any spying tactics. My feeling is you either get over it and attempt to trust the person (which can take work on your own part - and may not be possible in the end) or you get out. In the case I mentioned, I was able to trust the person and move on. We later broke up for unrelated reasons. For one, the timing wasn't right for either one of us and secondly, I started noticing things in her personality that turned me off. The clincher was she did something else that I could never accept. It had nothing to do with cheating or the like - he had to do with our pet dog.

[MidwestUSA]

In my younger days, I was cheated on by a live-in girlfriend. I never resorted to any spying tactics. My feeling is you either get over it and attempt to trust the person (which can take work on your own part - and may not be possible in the end) or you get out. In the case I mentioned, I was able to trust the person and move on. We later broke up for unrelated reasons. For one, the timing wasn't right for either one of us and secondly, I started noticing things in her personality that turned me off. The clincher was she did something else that I could never accept. It had nothing to do with cheating or the like - he had to do with our pet dog.

 

 

 

Say no more, nobody messes with my furbabies!! I hope you got custody?

[John-Dough]

Say no more, nobody messes with my furbabies!! I hope you got custody?

 

Of course.

[beach]

If you don't have kids - why isn't your W working?

 

Or did I read that incorrectly?

[John-Dough]

If you don't have kids - why isn't your W working?

 

Or did I read that incorrectly?

 

Good question. She doesn't drive either. She used to do both, but not anymore. I think she has anxiety issues.

[Snowflower]

Have you talked to your wife about this issue with that letter? I would certainly hope so after 20 years.

 

It seems you have a lot of issues in your marriage. What do you want to do?

 

ETA: a lot of the snooping of emails, text messages, FB, etc. seems to happen in the wake of an affair. Different couples have differing requirements for privacy in a marriage.

Edited December 6, 2013 by Snowflower

[John-Dough]

Have you talked to your wife about this issue with that letter? I would certainly hope so after 20 years.

 

It seems you have a lot of issues in your marriage. What do you want to do?

 

ETA: a lot of the snooping of emails, text messages, FB, etc. seems to happen in the wake of an affair. Different couples have differing requirements for privacy in a marriage.

 

Yes we talked about it a little bit at some point, years ago. That is really not an issue any more, I was just using it as an example of what I consider an invasion of privacy.

 

Yes we do have a lot of issues. And I am not sure what to do about them. I am trying to think that through. The thing is we aren't real good at discussing those type of issues. In the past, whenever I brought anything like that up - she gets very defensive and attacks me verbally. Maybe I don't bring it up right, but I try to do the best I can. Anyway, I know what I will have to deal with when I do broach the issue. And it could develop into an all out war. Because I really don't feel like taking anymore of that kind of .... I mean I actually know exactly what she would say and it has no validity IMO.

 

The best way would be counseling of some form - but I know she will never do that. She will have all kinds of reasons/excuses. So, I really need to figure this out on my own.

 

As for the prying/snooping - I really don't have that issue with my marriage at all. Not in the slightest. I am glad of that, because I could never live that way. Even though a person is married, for me, they are still an individual and still have a right to a certain amount of privacy. Just the way I see it.

[Snowflower]

Yes we do have a lot of issues. And I am not sure what to do about them. I am trying to think that through. The thing is we aren't real good at discussing those type of issues. In the past, whenever I brought anything like that up - she gets very defensive and attacks me verbally. Maybe I don't bring it up right, but I try to do the best I can. Anyway, I know what I will have to deal with when I do broach the issue. And it could develop into an all out war. Because I really don't feel like taking anymore of that kind of .... I mean I actually know exactly what she would say and it has no validity IMO.

 

The best way would be counseling of some form - but I know she will never do that. She will have all kinds of reasons/excuses. So, I really need to figure this out on my own.

 

 

Whatever you do, do not have an affair. Sometimes when people get into the situation similar to what you describe, they are vulnerable to a new person who suddenly seems to show them what life could be like.

 

Don't fall into that trap.

 

I know it is difficult to decide whether to end a marriage but please honor and respect yourself, your wife and even your marriage and all those years together by not tainting it with an affair.

 

Decide the fate of your marriage on its own merits. (hope that all make sense)

[John-Dough]

Whatever you do, do not have an affair. Sometimes when people get into the situation similar to what you describe, they are vulnerable to a new person who suddenly seems to show them what life could be like.

 

Don't fall into that trap.

 

I know it is difficult to decide whether to end a marriage but please honor and respect yourself, your wife and even your marriage and all those years together by not tainting it with an affair.

 

Decide the fate of your marriage on its own merits. (hope that all make sense)

 

Okay, not sure why that came up, but okay. I thought you were going to give me some magic answer on what you thought I should do - not what I shouldn't do. JK - I know, no magic answer for my situation. I guess I will think of something at some point.

[Snowflower]

Okay, not sure why that came up, but okay. I thought you were going to give me some magic answer on what you thought I should do - not what I shouldn't do. JK - I know, no magic answer for my situation. I guess I will think of something at some point.

 

Sorry, I shouldn't I have jumped to that conclusion.

 

My cynicism is showing.

 

It just seems that when someone is increasingly unhappy in their marriage, an affair sometimes appears to be a possible solution for some people. However, I think I misunderstood you and you aren't that type of person.

 

I wish I had some magic words for you. Could you suggest counseling again? Perhaps let your wife select the counselor this time. Some counselors are better than others and who knows, maybe your wife rightly felt that she was wrong side. Maybe that really was happening.

 

If you can convince her to go to counseling, tell her the two of you can keep looking for a counselor with whom you are both comfortable. That last therapist was likely a bad fit--that seems to happen a lot.

 

I apologize again for jumping to conclusions.

[underwater2010]

Privacy is something you do in the bathroom.

 

 

When you are married....majority of the time your spouse starts checking on you means that they know something is off and will usually figure out what it is.

 

 

I never checked up on my husband until he gave me a reason to.

 

 

And by the way...I would have handed you the letter, but I also would have expected that you would tell me what was included in it.

 

 

Also.....the letter was out of line. There is no reason someone is planning their wedding needs to met up with ex to find closure.

[John-Dough]

I wish I had some magic words for you. Could you suggest counseling again? Perhaps let your wife select the counselor this time. Some counselors are better than others and who knows, maybe your wife rightly felt that she was wrong side. Maybe that really was happening.

 

If you can convince her to go to counseling, tell her the two of you can keep looking for a counselor with whom you are both comfortable. That last therapist was likely a bad fit--that seems to happen a lot.

 

I apologize again for jumping to conclusions.

 

I don't think that will work for reasons that predate me even knowing her. But, I appreciate the idea. For right now, I feel I am stuck. Which isn't a good feeling because I'm not getting any younger. I certainly haven't given up, I have hope that at some point I will know how to proceed. I have been doing a lot of reading lately, but no answers as of yet. I do believe the answer is out there, I just need to find it.

 

And no need to apologize, after all we are on LoveShack. But, this IS the Marriage & Life Partnerships forum, not the Infidelity one.

[Snowflower]

 

 

And no need to apologize, after all we are on LoveShack. But, this IS the Marriage & Life Partnerships forum, not the Infidelity one.

 

Yep, and infidelity rears its head here in this forum as well. Frequently.

 

So, how can posters here help you? Do you wish to talk about privacy in a marriage or would you like to discuss issues within your marriage and how to possibly handle them?

[redtail]

I do believe the answer is out there, I just need to find it.

 

I hope you do! In my opinion, that was a huge invasion of privacy. I had a red flag before my first marriage too, one I won't go into, but being young I ignored it and that marriage did not turn out well. Not saying the same will be true for you.

 

Privacy is something that people deserve in any relationship and marriage is no different. Often there are times when that person may choose to concede their privacy, such as saying it's okay to open their mail, or walk into the bathroom, but I beleive it is up to them to concede it, not for the other person to ignore one's privacy. If a partner abuses the privacy by keeping something secret that shouldn't be, well then, all bets are off.

[John-Dough]

Privacy is something you do in the bathroom.

 

When you are married....majority of the time your spouse starts checking on you means that they know something is off and will usually figure out what it is.

 

I never checked up on my husband until he gave me a reason to.

 

And by the way...I would have handed you the letter, but I also would have expected that you would tell me what was included in it.

 

Also.....the letter was out of line. There is no reason someone is planning their wedding needs to met up with ex to find closure.

 

My wife respects my privacy and I respect hers. But, maybe that's a thing of past generations. Some look at marriage differently. I see it as partnership between two distinct individuals, not as a blending of two individuals into one. JMO

 

At the time we weren't married - and if it was me, I would rather let my potential partner make their own decisions, instead of me making that decision for them. But, that's because I would want them to be sure before they got married, not wonder later about it. But obviously you have a much different take. I know you probably didn't mean it that way, but it almost sounded like ownership.

 

And I guess we don't know for sure what I would have done as far as revealing the contents of the letter. I assume I would have told her, but neither one of us know now.

 

Again, that whole deal is long ago, past history and doesn't matter. As I said, I merely used an example from my life to make a point. I now realize that was a big mistake in this thread. It confuses the post. I need to remember Keep It Simple Stupid.

[John-Dough]

So, how can posters here help you? Do you wish to talk about privacy in a marriage or would you like to discuss issues within your marriage and how to possibly handle them?

 

First, privacy is not an issue in my marriage. I had just been reading through some of the stuff here and was surprised at how there seems to be no privacy in a lot of these relationships. I was merely stating, I could not live that way. If a problem occurs, either work through it or move on. If you have to watch their every move - what's the point.

 

As far as helping me - if anybody has any great ways to bring up issues regarding some problems they feel the other person has that they don't want to discuss and don't want to deal with that would be helpful. Keep in mind this person will not go to any kind of therapy and will feel like they are being attacked and will get defensive and lash out.

 

The car deal is a big one for me, because it means I have to run all the errands. And it's not like she goes with me, she doesn't like to leave the house. She won't even go out to dinner.

[Keenly]

Privacy is something you do in the bathroom.

 

 

When you are married....majority of the time your spouse starts checking on you means that they know something is off and will usually figure out what it is.

 

 

I never checked up on my husband until he gave me a reason to.

 

 

And by the way...I would have handed you the letter, but I also would have expected that you would tell me what was included in it.

 

 

Also.....the letter was out of line. There is no reason someone is planning their wedding needs to met up with ex to find closure.

 

Well you clearly have no respect for your spouses boundaries or privacy so... case in point. Its not your business to ask about, or even EXPECT to hear about. If he willingly shares, awesome. But your entitled to know attitude says a lot. Also, I don't know where you got this " only if something is wrong " feeling but most of the time the only things wrong is the disrespecters lack of self esteem or just their own insecurities.

 

Privacy is a right in a relationship. Just because some one likes / demands/ expects privacy does not mean they are doing something wrong.

 

 

And by the way... who cares if its " out of line " for her to send it. Its not your business.

[ChooseTruth]

Back in the day, before I got married, I was living with my fiancee. One day I came home and she was very upset. I had no idea what it was about. Finally, she confessed that I had received a letter (snail mail) from an old girlfriend, an old girlfriend that I had been engaged to at one time. My current fiancee had destroyed the letter and tossed it in the dumpster. Many years later I found out that the letter was basically an apology for how she had broke things off as she was trying to find her way in life. She was wondering how I was, and told me how much I had meant to her as she was growing up and becoming a woman. She too had become engaged and wanted to see me before she tied the knot. She wanted to be sure she was making the right choice.

 

Anyway, my fiancee stealing that letter and destroying it bothered me at the time, but over the years it bothered me more and more. It still bothers me to this day, obviously. I couldn't understand why she thought she had the right to open a personal letter to me and then to destroy it without letting me see it, not allowing me to make my own decisions.

 

The reason I posted this here is as I read through these various posts, I am surprised at how people go through their significant other's emails, phones, etc. and use keyloggers and polygraphs. I couldn't live like that, no privacy what so ever. It's just not worth it.

 

Your ex was right to be angry, though she shouldn't have thrown the letter away.

 

The part I bolded makes it clear your ex's intentions were pretty bad.

 

I'm not a believer in keeping secrets from your spouse. If the way you wished it to play out was that you had

a) opened the letter by yourself

b) not told your wife about it.

then I'm really glad she found that letter and opened it.

 

That kind of letter destroys relationships all the time and if you think you have a right to keep it a secret then i fear for the future of your marriage if another such "opportunity" comes your way.

[ChooseTruth]

One thing I learned from this thread - don't try to tie in an example from your own life to make a point. It's too confusing for the readers.

 

KISS

Remove the example, the answer remains the same. Secrets in marriage have no place. Privacy when you take a crap, ok I'm all for that ^^

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Back in the day, before I got married, I was living with my fiancee. One day I came home and she was very upset. I had no idea what it was about. Finally, she confessed that I had received a letter (snail mail) from an old girlfriend, an old girlfriend that I had been engaged to at one time. My current fiancee had destroyed the letter and tossed it in the dumpster. Many years later I found out that the letter was basically an apology for how she had broke things off as she was trying to find her way in life. She was wondering how I was, and told me how much I had meant to her as she was growing up and becoming a woman. She too had become engaged and wanted to see me before she tied the knot. She wanted to be sure she was making the right choice.

 

Anyway, my fiancee stealing that letter and destroying it bothered me at the time, but over the years it bothered me more and more. It still bothers me to this day, obviously. I couldn't understand why she thought she had the right to open a personal letter to me and then to destroy it without letting me see it, not allowing me to make my own decisions.

 

The reason I posted this here is as I read through these various posts, I am surprised at how people go through their significant other's emails, phones, etc. and use keyloggers and polygraphs. I couldn't live like that, no privacy what so ever. It's just not worth it.

 

I don't go through my husbands stuff. He doesn't go through mine. The only letters of his I open are the credit card bills because I pay them. BUT, we know each other's passwords and don't exhibit any 'red flags'. Sure, I could access all that stuff if I wanted, but I give him the respect and privacy he is entitled to. The day I start becoming suspicious, I'm certain all bets will be off though.

 

Sometimes knowing that you CAN go through them any time you want is all the security you need in a mature and stable relationship. I don't need to check up on him and vice versa.

[MidwestUSA]

Hmmm, doesn't drive, doesn't leave the house. Does your wife have agoraphobia? Anxiety?

[John-Dough]

Your ex was right to be angry, though she shouldn't have thrown the letter away.

 

The part I bolded makes it clear your ex's intentions were pretty bad.

 

I'm not a believer in keeping secrets from your spouse. If the way you wished it to play out was that you had

a) opened the letter by yourself

b) not told your wife about it.

then I'm really glad she found that letter and opened it.

 

That kind of letter destroys relationships all the time and if you think you have a right to keep it a secret then i fear for the future of your marriage if another such "opportunity" comes your way.

 

Where do I start.

 

First, she is not my EX. She is my W.

 

Second, I have no wish as to how it played out. I have no idea as to what I would have done. I can speculate, but I wasn't given the opportunity to make that decision on my own. The decision was made for me before I knew the letter even existed.

 

And - I am not sure if we were even engaged at the time, we may have just been living together. Regardless, it was a letter addressed to me. But again, I got over this a long time ago and merely brought it up as an example. I now know that citing an example can be a bad idea.

 

I definitely was not married. And even if I were married, I am my own person, I am no ones property. And I treat my significant other the same way.

[John-Dough]

Remove the example, the answer remains the same. Secrets in marriage have no place. Privacy when you take a crap, ok I'm all for that ^^

 

I really doubt anyone shares everything about themselves to their significant other.

 

Everyone is entitled to their privacy. As others have said - if they wish to forgo their privacy - that is their choice. But, it is totally up to them.