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Any married couples came back stronger after infidelity?

LostMother

By LostMother
in General Relationship Discussion

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LostMother Member

LostMother

Posted
Posted

I was wondering how many married couples weathered the storm and put their marriages back together after the betrayal. There’s lot of people on this sight, who are quick to jump to divorce after an affair. It leaves me to wonder who actually sticks it through and go on to have a happy marriage.

 

I would also like to know for those who have reconciled. What was your main reason it trying to reconcile with your WS. What did he/she do to make it easier for you?

 

For those who were not able to successfully able to reconcile.What was the main reason you weren’t able to reconcile and if you could have done anything different to stop it.

 

Lastly, For BS and WS was it worth it.

Owl Established Member

Owl

Posted
Posted

We were able to reconcile after my wife's emotional affair.

 

I chose to reconcile with her because prior to her affair we had 17 years of wonderful marriage...which is a strong foundation to rebuild from.

 

We're stronger now not so much because of her EA, but in spite of it. She learned a lot about how she needs to invest in the marriage, about boundaries, and about love. I learned a good bit too.

 

For me, and for her, reconciliation was very difficult but well worth it.

 

With that said...not every marriage can be reconciled. Not every marriage should be reconciled. And there's no fault with either outcome...divorce or reconciliation.

  • Like 1
NotCamelot Established Member

NotCamelot

Posted
Posted

We, too, had 20 years behind us at that time. And she was extremely hurt, hurt, and ashamed at/by what she had done......and, most important, how she hurt me.

 

But, mainly and most imortant of all, I love her more than she hurt me.

 

A few nights ago she had her head on my shoulder in bed and said, "I wish everyone could be as happy as we are."

 

We both feel as though nothing can ever hurt us again.

underwater2010 Established Member

underwater2010

Posted
Posted
I was wondering how many married couples weathered the storm and put their marriages back together after the betrayal.

 

 

You can count me in. We are about 1 1/2 yr out from dday.

 

 

There’s lot of people on this sight, who are quick to jump to divorce after an affair. It leaves me to wonder who actually sticks it through and go on to have a happy marriage.

 

 

I actually gave him the option to leave and he wanted to stick it out too.

 

I would also like to know for those who have reconciled. What was your main reason it trying to reconcile with your WS. What did he/she do to make it easier for you?

 

 

My main reason was three kids. He is a great father and I could not see separating them from him or me. Also, the affair was over before I found out and he wanted to stay married. He is an open book to me and I to him. We talk frequently and honestly, that also mean listening with a close ear.

 

It is not easy nor is divorcing easy.

 

For those who were not able to successfully able to reconcile.What was the main reason you weren’t able to reconcile and if you could have done anything different to stop it.

 

Lastly, For BS and WS was it worth it.

 

 

BS here....it has been hard but worth it so far. Keeping our kids in a HAPPY home is beyond worth it to me. Not to mention that I know he loves me and hey....15 yrs the 19th of this month is worth it!!!!

 

 

 

see bolded

  • Like 1
Realist3 Established Member

Realist3

Posted
Posted

I'm sure many do. This board is not a representative sample of what the studies on the matter show. While those studies do not indicate whether the marriages are better after an A, they do show that 80% of marriages survive infidelity, which here it seems like about 15-20% survive.

 

Just on the surface it would stand to reason that the affair serves as an impetus for a better marriage. People examine themselves, the relationship, their goals, etc. The affair in a large way forces them to action if they want to save the marriage. If those issues between the two can be resolved, that were probably never talked about and or ignored, then how would that not make for a better marriage?

  • Like 1
dichotomy Established Member

dichotomy

Posted
Posted (edited)
I was wondering how many married couples weathered the storm and put their marriages back together after the betrayal. There’s lot of people on this sight, who are quick to jump to divorce after an affair. It leaves me to wonder who actually sticks it through and go on to have a happy marriage.

 

I would also like to know for those who have reconciled. What was your main reason it trying to reconcile with your WS. What did he/she do to make it easier for you?

 

For those who were not able to successfully able to reconcile.What was the main reason you weren’t able to reconcile and if you could have done anything different to stop it.

 

Lastly, For BS and WS was it worth it.

 

The choices are not always divorce or reconcile and happy marriage. But then how many marriages are fully happy without affairs?

 

I did not divorce, but I would not call it full reconilation and full happiness either - but it could be someday and I keep at it.

 

I stay(ed) for a number of reasons ...some very altruisitic ....and some very selfish. So far its been worth it -when adding up the balance of the two choices.

Edited by dichotomy
  • Like 2
ChooseTruth Established Member

ChooseTruth

Posted
Posted
I was wondering how many married couples weathered the storm and put their marriages back together after the betrayal. There’s lot of people on this sight, who are quick to jump to divorce after an affair. It leaves me to wonder who actually sticks it through and go on to have a happy marriage.

 

I understand it can seem that way at first, but know that a lot of us really tried with everything to R before finally divorcing as a last resort.

 

I would also like to know for those who have reconciled. What was your main reason it trying to reconcile with your WS. What did he/she do to make it easier for you?

For those who were not able to successfully able to reconcile.What was the main reason you weren’t able to reconcile and if you could have done anything different to stop it.

 

Lastly, For BS and WS was it worth it.

She wouldn't go NC with her OM. I couldn't handle it any longer. Maybe more patience on my part would have finally changed her, but it really seemed like I was just enabling. I could have controlled my temper a little better, but I actually think I did pretty well in some crazy situations. It was after we decided to divorce that I really let her have it, saying some pretty mean things. Maybe if I hadn't have done that she would have turned around just from the sheer pressure of divorce, I don't know. Now, I think it was for the best. I don't think living with someone who is capable of lying the way she did is good for me. I caught her in so many big lies it makes me sick to think about it.

 

Our failed R lasted for 6 months.

 

I think factors the affect whether R succeeds or not are:

 

WS:

 

  • is transparent
  • is truthful
  • goes NC with Ap
  • Figures out what within themselves made them cheat and takes steps to fix
  • shows love and remorse
  • goes to counseling

 

BS:

 

  • controls anger
  • goes to counseling
  • if NC doesn't happen the BS separates and starts divorce. This minimizes crazy manipulative behavior and simply sets a boundary where you aren't fighting over controlling each other anymore. It lets the WS know how serious this is and ends cake eating. Many reconciled couples here on LS started with the BS kicking the WS out. It blows my mind...but it's definitely a pattern.
  • BS has incredible capacity for forgiveness once WS shows they are really trying.

  • Like 6
Snowflower Established Member

Snowflower

Posted
Posted

There are a lot of misconceptions and assumptions about saving your marriage after infidelity:

 

1. You are spineless if you stay with someone who cheated on you.

2. You are too scared to leave.

3. You are staying for the lifestyle, the house, or because you don't want to be alone.

 

-or-there are assumptions that if you divorce...

 

1. You will have a perfect life.

2. Your ex-spouse will end up living with eternal regret about you leaving them.

3. You will find someone who will never cheat on you.

 

Obviously, these things may or may not be the result. Ignore the naysayers and the ones who believe in all the common misconceptions about what happens after an affair.

 

I agree with the above posters in what they say about reconciling. My H and I are 5 years out and are still together. Are we perfectly happy? No, but there is no marriage that is perfectly happy. We love each other and have a rich, full life together. We have a lot of shared history, children and experiences that would be lost in a sense if we decided to divorce.

 

It is definitely possible to have a successful reconciliation if both spouses want it.

  • Like 7
Ap22 Established Member

Ap22

Posted
Posted

as a BS trying to work it out, this is good to hear.

 

Maybe its the pain and anger talking, but to me, my marriage ended the day I found out. I took away her rings, I dont wear mine, and I told her our anniversary date means nothing anymore. I ripped up every picture we had from our wedding date and even her bridal pics the day I found out.

 

I told her if this works out and we get to a point of happiness, then we can buy new rings, renew vows, and have a new anniversary date.

 

I just feel that she destroyed everything that those old rings, the date, and the pictures represented.

  • Like 2
underwater2010 Established Member

underwater2010

Posted
Posted
as a BS trying to work it out, this is good to hear.

 

Maybe its the pain and anger talking, but to me, my marriage ended the day I found out. I took away her rings, I dont wear mine, and I told her our anniversary date means nothing anymore. I ripped up every picture we had from our wedding date and even her bridal pics the day I found out.

 

I told her if this works out and we get to a point of happiness, then we can buy new rings, renew vows, and have a new anniversary date.

 

I just feel that she destroyed everything that those old rings, the date, and the pictures represented.

Totally normal!!! I just put my ring back on not to long ago.

 

 

I didn't destroy everything....there where good memories for all those years. I wouldn't let him or her take that from me.

anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

Posted
Posted

I told her if this works out and we get to a point of happiness, then we can buy new rings, renew vows, and have a new anniversary date.

 

fWS here who has successfully reconciled

 

Ap - what you are saying here has been expressed by many other BS's too. And it makes sense in so many ways too.

 

For the marriage to reconcile successfully, it is not about getting the marriage back to where it was before the affair. It has to be something different - both of you will have changed and will hopefully have learned better ways of communicating and expressing your needs, concerns etc.

  • Like 1
Fluttershy Established Member

Fluttershy

Posted
Posted
as a BS trying to work it out, this is good to hear.

 

Maybe its the pain and anger talking, but to me, my marriage ended the day I found out. I took away her rings, I dont wear mine, and I told her our anniversary date means nothing anymore. I ripped up every picture we had from our wedding date and even her bridal pics the day I found out.

 

I told her if this works out and we get to a point of happiness, then we can buy new rings, renew vows, and have a new anniversary date.

 

I just feel that she destroyed everything that those old rings, the date, and the pictures represented.

Sorry for the t/j but if symbolism is important to you, maybe you should pay the legal fee to divorce and then actually remarry so your marriage certificate gives you a new date. Some people do this.

harrybrown Established Member

harrybrown

Posted
Posted

This marriage is not stronger after her infidelity.

 

The last 3 years make the entire marriage a fake.

 

She will not admit to anything. It was not her in the picture sent to me of her with another in our bed. She was photoshopped and it is not her in the picture.

 

The marriage is dead. She killed any love I ever had for her.

 

Just waiting 2 more years until the last one is on their own.

 

Then total darkness on this sham.

lilmisscantbewrong Established Member

lilmisscantbewrong

Posted
Posted
This marriage is not stronger after her infidelity.

 

The last 3 years make the entire marriage a fake.

 

She will not admit to anything. It was not her in the picture sent to me of her with another in our bed. She was photoshopped and it is not her in the picture.

 

The marriage is dead. She killed any love I ever had for her.

 

Just waiting 2 more years until the last one is on their own.

 

Then total darkness on this sham.

 

Harry - does she know this? Does she know that you have a time frame? And, I really just choked on my peanut butter pie - she said she was photoshopped into a picture? Who did that?

  • Like 3
Fluttershy Established Member

Fluttershy

Posted
Posted
And, I really just choked on my peanut butter pie

Peanut butter pie... I am intrigued and repulsed at the same time...

  • Like 3
BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

Posted
Posted

Tried to reconcile (about 8 months) but it failed. Primary reason was that she continued to lie. I might have been able to forgive the infidelity but I couldn't keep trying to reconcile with someone who was actively lying straight to my face.

 

Definitely seen plenty of people here successfully reconcile. From what I've seen, the consistent factors are true remorse on the part of the wayward and a forgiving heart on the part of the betrayed. I would also add that of the BSs that reconciled, few (if any) were doormats and many told the WS to go ahead and be with their OM/OW.

 

As for numbers, I have disagree with Realist on the 80% success rate after infidelity since 50% of ALL marriages end in divorce as it is. Somehow I doubt that adding infidelity improves your chances of staying married by 30%.

  • Like 3
experiencethedevine Established Member

experiencethedevine

Posted
Posted

My husband had a four year affair many moons ago. When I discovered it I simply gave him the choice. His concubine or his wife. He chose his wife.

 

He is the love of my life and always has been, and despite his errant behaviour I took his hand in mine as we travelled the most arduous journey through the hell of his infidelity to a much better place together.

 

Nearly 16 years later we are dedicated and devoted to each other, content with our lives and happy in our marriage. We are also wiser individuals.

  • Like 7
drifter777 Established Member

drifter777

Posted
Posted
My husband had a four year affair many moons ago. When I discovered it I simply gave him the choice. His concubine or his wife. He chose his wife.

 

He is the love of my life and always has been, and despite his errant behaviour I took his hand in mine as we travelled the most arduous journey through the hell of his infidelity to a much better place together.

 

Nearly 16 years later we are dedicated and devoted to each other, content with our lives and happy in our marriage. We are also wiser individuals.

How do you deal with the mental images of him and the other woman having sex?

JustJoe Established Member

JustJoe

Posted
Posted
I'm sure many do. This board is not a representative sample of what the studies on the matter show. While those studies do not indicate whether the marriages are better after an A, they do show that 80% of marriages survive infidelity, which here it seems like about 15-20% survive.

 

Just on the surface it would stand to reason that the affair serves as an impetus for a better marriage. People examine themselves, the relationship, their goals, etc. The affair in a large way forces them to action if they want to save the marriage. If those issues between the two can be resolved, that were probably never talked about and or ignored, then how would that not make for a better marriage?

By this logic, if you are having problems in your marriage, you should go out and have an affair, as a good method of marriage restructuring? Preposterous. Also, your statistics are flawed. Yes, 80% of marriages survive infidelity, initially, but studies show that LONG-TERM survival is far less certain. Because few persons truly address the issues (marital or personal) that caused the affair.
  • Like 3
JustJoe Established Member

JustJoe

Posted
Posted
as a BS trying to work it out, this is good to hear.

 

Maybe its the pain and anger talking, but to me, my marriage ended the day I found out. I took away her rings, I dont wear mine, and I told her our anniversary date means nothing anymore. I ripped up every picture we had from our wedding date and even her bridal pics the day I found out.

 

I told her if this works out and we get to a point of happiness, then we can buy new rings, renew vows, and have a new anniversary date.

 

I just feel that she destroyed everything that those old rings, the date, and the pictures represented.

This is perfectly normal . You will get past the anger stage, as long as she doesn't continue the affair.
  • Like 1
krazikat Established Member

krazikat

Posted
Posted
My husband had a four year affair many moons ago. When I discovered it I simply gave him the choice. His concubine or his wife. He chose his wife.

 

He is the love of my life and always has been, and despite his errant behaviour I took his hand in mine as we travelled the most arduous journey through the hell of his infidelity to a much better place together.

 

Nearly 16 years later we are dedicated and devoted to each other, content with our lives and happy in our marriage. We are also wiser individuals.

 

Mine had an lta also...and though initially I moved towards divorce, I ended up staying with him, and he has proven to me every day since that I made the right choice. We are a year out and I can say our marriage is better than ever. We have moved past old resentments and are living healthier.

  • Like 4
Realist3 Established Member

Realist3

Posted
Posted
By this logic, if you are having problems in your marriage, you should go out and have an affair, as a good method of marriage restructuring? Preposterous. Also, your statistics are flawed. Yes, 80% of marriages survive infidelity, initially, but studies show that LONG-TERM survival is far less certain. Because few persons truly address the issues (marital or personal) that caused the affair.

 

I don't think I said that at all.

JustJoe Established Member

JustJoe

Posted
Posted
I don't think I said that at all.
Dude, you said what you said. If you didn't mean that, Okay, but just paraphrasing.
experiencethedevine Established Member

experiencethedevine

Posted
Posted
How do you deal with the mental images of him and the other woman having sex?

 

In all honesty the sex thing was never really the issue. I knew, without shadow of doubt that she was nothing like me in any way. We have always shared a very good sexual life and that didn't change during his affair at all. By nature we have explored many avenue's regarding our sexual life leaving little to the imagination, and right or wrong, I knew I was by far her superior (I know, it sounds really bombastic doesn't it?) The proof of that came along as the story unfolded.

 

What crushed me implicitly was intimacy, not sexual intimacy, he had removed from our marriage to share with her and the bare faced lying.

drifter777 Established Member

drifter777

Posted
Posted
In all honesty the sex thing was never really the issue. I knew, without shadow of doubt that she was nothing like me in any way. We have always shared a very good sexual life and that didn't change during his affair at all. By nature we have explored many avenue's regarding our sexual life leaving little to the imagination, and right or wrong, I knew I was by far her superior (I know, it sounds really bombastic doesn't it?) The proof of that came along as the story unfolded.

 

What crushed me implicitly was intimacy, not sexual intimacy, he had removed from our marriage to share with her and the bare faced lying.

Thanks for the honest answer. For nearly all betrayed men it's all about the sex and that's why reconciliation with a cheating wife is so difficult. Being haunted by those mental images of your wife doing god-knows-what with some other guy is pure hell. I'm beginning to think that a BH should never reconcile with his WW - it's just not worth all the pain. Maybe reconciliation with a cheating wife is only for wimps like me who are too weak to face life on their own.

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