Any married couples came back stronger after infidelity?

[experiencethedevine]

Thanks for the honest answer. For nearly all betrayed men it's all about the sex and that's why reconciliation with a cheating wife is so difficult. Being haunted by those mental images of your wife doing god-knows-what with some other guy is pure hell. I'm beginning to think that a BH should never reconcile with his WW - it's just not worth all the pain. Maybe reconciliation with a cheating wife is only for wimps like me who are too weak to face life on their own.

 

 

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You are far from weak my dear. It is easier to leave than to stay and dig heels into the really hard work of recovery, but you have chosen to do so, and it is indeed an honourable gift.

 

I understand the difference between the sexes when it comes to the issue of sexual intimacy. Men are ultimately revolted by the knowledge that their wives have been sexually active with another man. It damages the ego immensely, and many are unable to live with those images.

 

Women tend to state emotional intimacy as the most destructive element of an affair.

 

 

However, those who do work toward repair take on the monumental task of doing exactly what you are attempting to do. Combat those mental images. You can do this with diligence and practice be assured. Give yourself the opportunity to overcome this so that whatever happens, you will be able to honestly say that you put all your efforts into attempting recovery, then at least if you find you can no longer continue in your marriage you will leave it gracefully and with your dignity intact.

 

A method I often use in my own professional practices is the age old 'stop' sign as a visual image when those thoughts overwhelm you. Keep it in the front of your mind until it combats those images you do not want to appear. An elastic band on the wrist is another technique. when thoughts invade, snap the band. There are many such techniques open to you to stop the invasion of horrible images.

 

Take courage, and try not to rush into decisions that need careful consideration and time. Your own healing is personal to you and nobody can dictate its course but you.

 

Allow your wife to be guided by you in your recovery and do not fear making those demands of her that you find essential to it. Lots of luck to you.

[tiredofitall2]

Tried to reconcile (about 8 months) but it failed. Primary reason was that she continued to lie. I might have been able to forgive the infidelity but I couldn't keep trying to reconcile with someone who was actively lying straight to my face.

 

Definitely seen plenty of people here successfully reconcile. From what I've seen, the consistent factors are true remorse on the part of the wayward and a forgiving heart on the part of the betrayed. I would also add that of the BSs that reconciled, few (if any) were doormats and many told the WS to go ahead and be with their OM/OW.

 

As for numbers, I have disagree with Realist on the 80% success rate after infidelity since 50% of ALL marriages end in divorce as it is. Somehow I doubt that adding infidelity improves your chances of staying married by 30%.

 

50% of marriages end in divorce in general and D is not being considered in this equation.

 

80% of marriages that have been affected by an A have been showed to recover. (I think this is with MC though)

 

To separate stats, not that As improve marriages in general.

 

But I understand the confusing as when I first saw the stats I wondered too.

[BetrayedH]

50% of marriages end in divorce in general and D is not being considered in this equation.

 

80% of marriages that have been affected by an A have been showed to recover. (I think this is with MC though)

 

To separate stats, not that As improve marriages in general.

 

But I understand the confusing as when I first saw the stats I wondered too.

 

I still don't get it. How can 80% of marriages recover from an affair if half of them ended up in divorce? I mean, what counts as "recovering?" They weren't divorced within 15 minutes? Or maybe they meant 80% literally "survived" the affair, meaning that no one was killed.

 

Stats I have seen (from Not Just Friends, if I recall correctly) were that when an affair was voluntarily confessed, 70% of the couples were still married at the two-year mark; when it was instead discovered, the number was 35%. That make sense to me, especially when put into the context of a time frame.

 

I have also seen the stats on MC. My gut says that it's not the efficacy of the therapy that caused the couple to stay together but the nature of those who are willing to undertake counseling. Just signing up for counseling after infidelity shows a predisposition to reconcile. No offense to therapists but my experience (and that of many others) was that MCs are notoriously awful at handling infidelity and can do more harm than good. IC is a different story.

Edited December 7, 2013 by BetrayedH

[anne1707]

I still don't get it. How can 80% of marriages recover from an affair if half of them ended up in divorce? I mean, what counts as "recovering?" They weren't divorced within 15 minutes? Or maybe they meant 80% literally "survived" the affair, meaning that no one was killed.

 

The stats are looking at different things.

 

For ALL marriages, 50% end in divorce

 

For those marriages where there has been infidelity (ie. not all marriages), 80% recover

 

 

So - lets say there are 1000 marriages - then 500 will end in divorce

 

And of those 1000 marriages, if infidelity occurs in 400 of those (as it will not be the full 1000), then 320 of those will survive

 

Its kind of like saying then that of the 500 that fail, 180 (500-320) will be due to infidelity and the other divorces will be for other reasons.

 

Does that make more sense?

 

 

 

Note: numbers picked such as 400 cases of infidelity are just for ease of calculation to demonstrate the difference in the stats.

Edited December 7, 2013 by anne1707

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I think none of that makes sense at all and I don't buy the stats. Our MC said that from what she had seen in the years of her practice, it was about 50% of marriages hit by infidelity did not survive it. There are some that claim (Harley for example) a very high rate of marriages surviving, but I do not believe that the Harley method addresses the underlying reasons for affairs happening. In fact, IC is discouraged because he says if takes the focus off of the marriage and distracts from the recovery. For me IC was imperative - I had to get to the bottom of it. Therefore, I believe down the road, Harley's "survival" stats will start to decrease because those underlying issues will still be there and eventually have to be dealt with even years down the road.

 

Also many times people are not really honest with the reasons why marriages fail. Sometimes the infidelity doesn't even surface as the real reason because it's embarrassing. And most likely it isn't the real reason, just the straw the eventually breaks the camels back.

 

It took my dad 10 years to leave my mom after her infidelity - 10 years! And I think he was more than willing to try to recover the marriage ( and he did try) but there were so many ghosts in the closet with regard to mom's childhood and molestations she couldn't really help herself. He just got weary of trying and wanted out and he is now remarried and very happy. Mom - well she is still trying to figure it all out.

 

This is why although we are doing okay right now, I don't know what the future holds. I may end up being a statistic as well.

[JustJoe]

I think that Anne might be onto something, here. I think that of those marriages that fail, 20% fail because of infidelity and 80% for other reasons. that makes sense. Of course, there is a huge difference between immediate survival and Long term recovery. I don't think there is any way to measure something like that. I have given it some thought, and having been in the Military , I've seen a number of divorces. Infidelity, if memory serves me, was involved in less than half of those. I remember 15 or 16 divorces that were pending or finalized, and if memory serves me, 3 or 4 involved cheating. Most were because of more basic issues like personal issues (abuse, alcoholism, ptsd and the like ) inability to adjust to the Military lifestyle, or financial , etc. BTW , these were Officers as well as enlisted persons.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I think that Anne might be onto something, here. I think that of those marriages that fail, 20% fail because of infidelity and 80% for other reasons. that makes sense. Of course, there is a huge difference between immediate survival and Long term recovery. I don't think there is any way to measure something like that. I have given it some thought, and having been in the Military , I've seen a number of divorces. Infidelity, if memory serves me, was involved in less than half of those. I remember 15 or 16 divorces that were pending or finalized, and if memory serves me, 3 or 4 involved cheating. Most were because of more basic issues like personal issues (abuse, alcoholism, ptsd and the like ) inability to adjust to the Military lifestyle, or financial , etc. BTW , these were Officers as well as enlisted persons.

 

Maybe our little "Mayberry" is different than other places, but we have a very high divorce rate in this community and the surrounding areas. I am thinking of my mothers club (just one little area and of the 18 women in it - about 11 are on second marriages - of those 11 second marriages 6 of them are for certain because of infidelity). Then there are at least three of us "long term marriages" who have been HIT by infidelity and we are still hanging in there.

 

I coach a varsity sport at the local high school. Of the girls I had on my jv and varsity team (17 of them), only 5 kids had parents that were in a first marriage, the other 12 had second marriages with a couple of parents still single after divorce - a full 10 do those all had infidelity involved - the other two - one couple was lesbian and I have no idea about that one.

 

These are situations in just two small circles in this town. I really don't believe it is unusual nor do I believe it is a higher number than the rest of the nation - and we are Midwest, in a conservative area for the most peat, with "religious" values.

 

So I don't buy the statistics report earlier based on my own town.

Edited December 8, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

[Raena]

We did reconcile when our child was a year old after he cheated on me when I was pregnant and it wasn't easy. But... the truth is, I wish I hadn't because he ended up cheating on me again nearly 5 years later. It wasn't worth it. I would have been better off alone and my son would have been better off not knowing his father. At least, that's how I feel about it right now. I might feel differently a year from now. I guess that all depends on how he treats his child from now on.

[gabgab]

Usually women are more forgiving about affairs. Stats show men divorce quickly, while women don't. Women have smaller egos and care more.

 

A lot of people that successfully weather an affair, their partner will cheat again at some point. Most of the marriages Ive seen stay together after an affair, it was never the same and the women were always wondering if their husband was lying (even years later). Just because 80% stay together doesn't mean theyre happy.

[LostMother]

as a BS trying to work it out, this is good to hear.

 

Maybe its the pain and anger talking, but to me, my marriage ended the day I found out. I took away her rings, I dont wear mine, and I told her our anniversary date means nothing anymore. I ripped up every picture we had from our wedding date and even her bridal pics the day I found out.

 

I told her if this works out and we get to a point of happiness, then we can buy new rings, renew vows, and have a new anniversary date.

 

I just feel that she destroyed everything that those old rings, the date, and the pictures represented.

 

When I read this for the first time it brought tears to my eyes. When my husband discovered my affair he reacted similar to the way you have. My husband destroyed almost everything involving your marriage. He also asked for my ring but I wouldn’t I couldn’t give it to him. I know I don’t deserve to wear it after what I did to him but I still wear it even though it means nothing since we are divorced. It’s one of the few things I have left that remained of what we used to be